Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Relationship ended and I have to move into an awful house

71 replies

Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 20:38

My relationship ended this week after it dawned on me that my "DP" of almost 8 years has been emotionally abusing me the whole time. I'd been in a DV relationship when I was in my early 20's so was certain I'd recognise the signs. I've been so stupid. This is our 2nd house together and I'm not on the mortgage. I had an issue on my credit file so couldn't get the mortgage with me on it so we decided to go ahead in his name only and add me later once the issue was sorted. We never got around to putting my name on the deeds but I trusted him not to screw me over so just said we'd do it when it was time to remortgage. I was so, so wrong. I should have heeded the warnings in the many posts I've read on MN. There's no going back for us, I know that much but we have 2DC, DS is 4 and DD is nearly 2 and they've both seen nasty incidents now. I just need to get the hell out of here. I made an application for universal credit and called my old landlord for a reference. He actually has a house available right away in the area I need to be in. I went to see it today and it's not very nice inside. It's clean and functional with new but very basic carpets throughout, freshly painted magnolia. The downsides are that every room has awful chipboard, dark brown panelled walls or anaglypta paper which has been painted over many times. The kitchen and bathroom are very old and worn, the toilet cistern is white plastic that has turned really yellow with age, the bathroom fittings must be 30 years old or more. I can't even redecorate for 6mo. It's really depressing considering I'm leaving my dream home. DD currently has a big, lovely bedroom and she's going to go into a tiny box room that won't take anything other than a single bed it's that small. I have this opportunity to leave, he's begging me to stay in "his" house with the DC and he'll stay at his parents. I want to wait for a better place but I have this opportunity to go now before he worms his way back in. I should look to the future right?

OP posts:

BritInAus · 07/02/2021 22:17

All the good advice has already been said about the house - just wanted to add well done for being strong enough to leave, and all the best for a better life. xx

Original poster

Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 22:24

@caringcarer he's not begging me to stay with him, just to stay in the house longer while I find somewhere better. There's no chance of giving it another go on my part at least.

OP posts:

Hopdathelf · 07/02/2021 22:24

Rent with the landlord for six months to get some recent rental history then move? You need stability at the moment and this landlord seems able to provide it. Definitely worth looking at chipboard for that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

Original poster

Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 22:26

@bitheby I thought that too. It is the first house but there's nothing else available where I need to be. He always wanted to share a car, in his name of course, so I have no car. This house is close to my sons school and my job.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 07/02/2021 22:35

Take the rental
Claim cms chikd mainrenance

Will cost you thuousands to make claim to the property and no guarantee

Dc yes he has to provide for

saleboat · 07/02/2021 22:40

The house may look a bit rubbish empty but it will soon be home once you have your and your children's things in.

The most important thing for them is to live in a happy house. Please don't underestimate the value of that. A big bedroom doesn't come close.

I was once in a similar position. I will always remember the first morning, waking up in my new house with no bad atmosphere, safe with my child. Don't let a tired decor stop you making a good decision.

ginandwineandbaileys · 07/02/2021 22:44

I would leave and move into the house you don't like. At least temporarily. It'll give you space to think, and help you to recover away from your abuser. If you stay 8n his house, he will eventually walk back in and move in again, he'll do anything to encroach upon your life, you'll never have space from him

ginandwineandbaileys · 07/02/2021 22:45

After a while you won't even notice the chip board.

PHOE8E · 07/02/2021 22:45

This is excellent advice.

ginandwineandbaileys · 07/02/2021 22:47

He went to your mum so he could control you via her
Please take the rental

Original poster

Phoenix99 · 07/02/2021 23:16

@ginandwineandbaileys he knows my mum is a soft touch. I'm in my late 30's and he knows damn well that I've lived independently from my parents since I was a teenager.

Thanks for all the positive views being shared. It spurs me on to do what I need to do.

OP posts:

Definitelynotlazy · 07/02/2021 23:24

I've had to move into a not so nice house and really, you can very quickly make it nice! Make it into an adventure. As long as the kids have you and you are smiley and upbeat, they will settle in.
A fresh coat of paint (generic magnolia is great), a big clean so it smells nice, some cheap and cheerful side lights to give a cosier glow, rugs (gumtree, freecyle, ebay etc), cushions, cheap picture frames and homemade art, or pics out of magazines, fairy lights, a bit of baking for a nice smell, Aldi diffusers (pomegranate is lovely), a bowl of fruit and a bowl of sweets, a vase of greenery and buds, cheap shelves piled with books and nick-nacks, familiar cuddly toys, a big cheery teapot and biscuit tin...honestly, it's the little things and it very swiftly becomes gorgeous. Mention to everyone that you're looking for stuff to cheer the place up..it's surprising what people will give you. Good luck xx

Definitelynotlazy · 07/02/2021 23:25

Just seen you can't redecorate...in that case go big on the art, fairy lights, rugs, throws and cleaning etc. Will be fine!

RandomMess · 07/02/2021 23:30

The rental is in the right area and he's a good LLI would take it tbh.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 08/02/2021 01:00

OP I can't imagine how hard it is. I've had to leave an abusive place with nothing (not with a child but I was very young) and the sense of relief the next day was huge (being in a place much worse than you describe - terrible landlord, damp, no heating etc!). Being able to close the door and know I was safe. With children similar ages to you now, I can imagine how scary and daunting this is but also the freedom to know you are safe and can protect them, it is worth some shabby furnishing. Small children don't care about stuff, they care about love and security. You sound very strong and I'm sure you can make a go of this and be in a much happier way soon, once you're free.

AmberItsACertainty · 08/02/2021 01:09

If it's clean and functional already, doesn't have a damp problem and the landlord isn't a total arse, then you're already a lot better off than many others who are renting.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 08/02/2021 02:14

@AmberItsACertainty

If it's clean and functional already, doesn't have a damp problem and the landlord isn't a total arse, then you're already a lot better off than many others who are renting.

It's not the misery olympics.

Original poster

Phoenix99 · 08/02/2021 13:06

@AmberItsACertainty I agree with that.

OP posts:

SummerBlondey · 08/02/2021 16:02

I have this opportunity to leave, he's begging me to stay in "his" house with the DC and he'll stay at his parents

Do this until you know where you stand financially. Once you have left, you'll never get back in.

HadEnoughOfGoingForWalks · 08/02/2021 16:07

I’d go now, you’ve done well to line up a safe place for you and your DC to live in. You can make it cosy.

Embracelife · 08/02/2021 21:04

". Once you have left, you'll never get back in."

Op has no right to be in the house
The dc do
She does not

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 08/02/2021 21:50

Do you have enough money to buy some nice bedding and curtains or cushions? If you do I would make it a positive thing ‘come on children let’s go to Matalan and all buy 3 new things for your bedrooms - I am sooo excited, where shall we keep the Lego?’
They won’t care about how many layers of paint there are or how old the kitchen is then. You will be happier and so will they if your lives are free of abuse.

OurChristmasMiracle · 08/02/2021 22:07

Yes it may feel weird for the kids for a while but staying could cause life long issues for them you and their father are modelling what a “normal”
Relationship is. Would you want your children in a relationship similar to your current one?

Then leave. You’ve already said you are strong enough. It’s material things. It’s safe, and habitable. It shows them sometimes for your own mental and emotional well-being and that of those most important you need to make a sacrifice.

You can do this and the house will soon become home.

Jimdandy · 08/02/2021 23:13

I would see if you can get any money out of it - if not I’d leave it if you are saying it’s only £10k’s worth anyway. Making a TOLATA claim is expense of you do it properly. That £10k would soon be eaten up with legal fees.

Other MN’s just heed the example of either get married before you have the kids or don’t put any money in

Original poster

Phoenix99 · 08/02/2021 23:32

Do this until you know where you stand financially. Once you have left, you'll never get back in.

I don't want to get back in. He's ruined that house for me now.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3