Relationship ended and I have to move into an awful house

[Phoenix99]

My relationship ended this week after it dawned on me that my "DP" of almost 8 years has been emotionally abusing me the whole time. I'd been in a DV relationship when I was in my early 20's so was certain I'd recognise the signs. I've been so stupid. This is our 2nd house together and I'm not on the mortgage. I had an issue on my credit file so couldn't get the mortgage with me on it so we decided to go ahead in his name only and add me later once the issue was sorted. We never got around to putting my name on the deeds but I trusted him not to screw me over so just said we'd do it when it was time to remortgage. I was so, so wrong. I should have heeded the warnings in the many posts I've read on MN. There's no going back for us, I know that much but we have 2DC, DS is 4 and DD is nearly 2 and they've both seen nasty incidents now. I just need to get the hell out of here. I made an application for universal credit and called my old landlord for a reference. He actually has a house available right away in the area I need to be in. I went to see it today and it's not very nice inside. It's clean and functional with new but very basic carpets throughout, freshly painted magnolia. The downsides are that every room has awful chipboard, dark brown panelled walls or anaglypta paper which has been painted over many times. The kitchen and bathroom are very old and worn, the toilet cistern is white plastic that has turned really yellow with age, the bathroom fittings must be 30 years old or more. I can't even redecorate for 6mo. It's really depressing considering I'm leaving my dream home. DD currently has a big, lovely bedroom and she's going to go into a tiny box room that won't take anything other than a single bed it's that small. I have this opportunity to leave, he's begging me to stay in "his" house with the DC and he'll stay at his parents. I want to wait for a better place but I have this opportunity to go now before he worms his way back in. I should look to the future right?

@Jimdandy yes it's not worth fighting over in my eyes. £10k will go along way to getting me started without the headache of all that. If I wanted half of the equity then it'd only be right to take half of the debt, it's about even so I'm the winner here but maybe only just.

I don't think he expected me to take the offer anyway. He actually took my phone charger earlier. I don't know why I did it but since we split I've been hiding my charger whenever he came to see the DC or whatever. I left it plugged in today after telling myself I was being paranoid, he came to spend time with the DC while I went to work. Came home at 9pm and it was gone. I spent an hour looking for it thinking I must've put it away again but got a text saying sorry, he'd took both chargers by accident. He took his pissing charger days ago. And he rang my mum again today because I was "being unreasonable about the kids again". My crime? Telling him I'm not putting up with his abuse anymore. God, sorry for the rant but I really needed to get that off my chest.

Honestly OP I think you should take the house. 6 months isn’t that long before you can decorate and it can take that long to get to know a house and decide what you want. It also gives you time to decide if you want to stay.

A good landlord who will take you with UC, that you are hoping to claim and aren’t even approved for yet, in the exact area you need when you’re very limited in where you can live due to no car? Take it. It almost sounds like the stars have aligned to help you get out.

Does the landlord want a deposit? If so £10k will cover that, plus the cost of furniture, decorating and buying you some time to get a job if you need one. All assuming your ex does actually stick to his word.

I can’t believe he stole your phone charger. What a cock. Stupid too, as he’s trying to convince you to stay but at the same time is stealing things from you just to make your life difficult. Is this one of his abusive moves?

Go and get some advice and don't tell him you have done so. He sounds like a right pig.

@Sorka I thought the same about the stars aligning for me. Rental properties are few and far between in my local area at the minute, decent ones are a rarity. After his little trick with the charger I know I just need to get us out of here. He claims it was an accident but I just knew he was going to do it.

£10k would be a huge amount to get us on our feet and get me a little car but I'm not holding my breath. It seems that he really didn't expect me to take him up on his offer. I'm quite stubborn and proud so taking money from him after everything he's said, is not something anyone thought I'd do, myself included.

Please just go the sanctuary of your own home where he can never cross the threshold.

He is letting you stay in the house because he has the right to come and go and control you. He may well have set up spy cams etc.

Are you documenting everything? Honestly keep a hidden diary of everything he does (no matter how minor) and seek professional advice.

Just because you aren't married doesn't mean you aren't entitled to anything.

You have a responsibility to your children so please do seek advice.

@RandomMess it did cross my mind that he'd do that. I'm currently going through the house to pack our belongings and haven't come across anything dodgy yet. I don't trust him or his motives, I know in my heart I have to go as soon as I can.

I managed to find a sofa yesterday and family are helping out with other bits. A lovely lady at the council is helping me put in a request for white goods and help with the deposit. As soon as I've got a cooker and washing machine sorted I can move in.

@Bumblebee1980a I have spoken to a solicitor now. He agreed that given the amount of equity against the debt, £10k is a fair offer to walk away with a clean slate. The debt is greater than the equity in the house. I could fight for the house and leave the debt to him but I don't think that's fair and I really don't have the energy to fight.

I started writing down all of the incidents that I believe to be abusive. I'm on A4 page number 5. It started as soon as we got together, him telling me how beautiful I was without makeup and praising me when I didn't wear it. A classic red flag that I completely dismissed. For years I felt like I was going crazy, he told me I was so difficult to live with and I was the cause of his depression that I became so paranoid. He loved me even though I was so difficult, I thought I was lucky! Putting it on paper 100% helped me see that I couldn't make excuses for him anymore.

Sadly I think you won't see the £10l as soon as you move out he will back track or find some other reason to justify his actions.

As the money isn't legally protected anything you get is an unexpected bonus. Take the DC furniture with you and tell him he can deduct £x from the £10k to cover replacing it.

Fab re documentation. Also, elaborate on the praising you (as that is a subjective statement -
so write what he actually said etc).

If it's his debt than yes I would fight for half the house. Why think of him after all he has done. Your kids come first never mind him. He made his bed.

I can't see you getting £10km from him so you might want to think of your options then.

Which debt are you talkkng sbout?
If you mean the house mortgage then has nothing to do with you as you dont joint own house
Leave him to it

Get out
Maje your rental cozy
Claim cms
Live your best life

You woukd spend thoussnds to try to claim some of house.sinelce you were all but a lodger there
Waste of time and money
If he said 10k in writing you might chase that but ask lawyer

(Unless of course equity is huge amount say 300k and therrfore spending 20k on court case is worthwhile)

Op you are awesome. You have the measure of this man and are the one in control now.

Take the rental, it sounds great, new carpets however cheap will be wonderful and anywhere without that man will soon feel like home.

He will never give you any money. If he is really in debt, then getting hold of 10k will be nigh on impossible. If his debt equals the equity in the house then it is likely he will loose it soon enough. You could see if he will transfer the car to you, but otherwise I would take this opportunity to fly and be free!

Well after today's events I absolutely know I'm doing the right thing by leaving. I won't get the £10k as I said. He offered me £4k now and the rest as and when he could get it but I'd seen that his stepfather had put £5k into our joint account earlier today. Things got a bit heated and he insisted on recording the conversation, I agreed. I want to not try to show him how he's abusive because I know I'll never be able to but I couldn't help it. Things went downhill from there. I asked him to leave after he called me a cunt and that I'll not get a penny from him, see you in court, etc. He also wants extended periods of time with the DC knowing full well that DD is very attached to me. She hates being away from me and is very selective of who she'll go to. She does love her dad but he knows she couldn't be away from me for 5 days at a time. I do see the measure of him and he knows it.

Let him take you to court to establish contact. You want have to do mediation as he's abusive and it isn't in DC best interests to spend time with someone that is abusive their primary carer.

Yes he'll get contact but 50:50 unlikely. Please engage with. women's aid have it recorded that he is abusive.

Don't give him your new address.

@Definitelynotlazy I missed your post last night. Your description really gives me hope. I was thinking eariler of just embracing the 70's vibe of the place and reading your post really gave me some warm feelings towards it. Thank you for that.

Just to say that perhaps get advice from another solicitor or two before you make up your mind re the house. It’s possible (only possible) that you could make a Schedule 1 claim for your children - worth looking into if nothing more.

@RandomMess I can't got to Women's Aid, at least not my local one. His mum works there. I know I have to seek help for my own behaviour too. I haven't exactly covered myself in glory, I reacted really badly to his most recent outburst. I was so upset that he'd done it again, I was just so angry that I couldn't calm down. I was trying to get away from him but he just kept following me, telling me how shit I was and that his family knew I wasn't good enough for him (he denied this tonight). I'm ashamed of myself for how I reacted to that. Nobody is to blame for how we react except ourselves. I'll get help but it won't be with WA.

Sounds like you need to be away from him ASAP and then do not engage with him anymore. You know there is no point discussing anything with him.

I absolutely do need to go and soon. I've had to delay signing the tenancy until Saturday but that gives me a few more days to get things sorted. My one friend and my family are really pulling through for me, finding free or buying me things I need, giving me lifts in the snow. My brother has sorted me a sofa and is buying me a washing machine. I'm so lucky compared to some people in my position. I don't want to waste this chance.