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Original poster

This ‘friend’ is not my friend is she?

64 replies

Frenchdressing · 06/02/2021 08:21

This sounds trivial but is bothering me.

We finally finished decorating our back room and it looks nice and really transformed. A couple of things need sorting but will have to wait until shops open. Sent photo to friend (she asked) who said...’looks OK but that door needs sorting’. Well yes she knows we need to replace knackered old door. But ‘OK’? Bit of a shit thing to say? Felt unkind.

Anyway got me thinking that she never ever gives a compliment. I get a haircut and she says ‘liked it better long’ for example. Never mentions anything new I get. I would always say ‘new coat? Looks lovely’ even if it didn’t! Never mentions anything. She’s quick to tell me negative stuff though such as ‘you’ve put on weight’ etc.

Worst thing...DH is a photographer and pre COVID had an exhibition in a small gallery in our city. I invited friend to the opening but she declined. Fair enough. I asked her a few times if she’s been to see it (she is a actually an amateur photographer herself) and she hadn’t. Then she happened to say she had seen another exhibition at a gallery in town. She would have had to walk past DHs gallery to get there! Why could she not just pop in? For politeness even? She’s supposed to be a friend. She’s supposedly interested in photography.

DH says she jealous. Of what I do not know, I’m starting to think she’s not a real friend.

OP posts:
2typesofjungle · 06/02/2021 08:23

What good things do you get from the friendship, can you think of any? She doesn't sound like much fun to communicate with.

andshopsandtrees · 06/02/2021 08:23

Jealous

crankysaurus · 06/02/2021 08:27

How is she about other people? Equally negative or does she compliment others or say nice things about them?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2021 08:29

She sounds like someone who resents anything good happening to anyone else. You don’t need that in your life.

Original poster
Frenchdressing · 06/02/2021 08:29

Thanks for replies.

Not sure about others tbh? She’s a bit critical I think. Has an opinion on everything.

Yes...not sure what I get from this friendship really.

OP posts:
TramaDollface · 06/02/2021 08:29

It really doesn’t matter about the exhibition, Shea doesn’t HAVE to attend these things

However she sounds like my MIL ... damning with faint praise allll the way.... dump her!

pictish · 06/02/2021 08:30

Hmm...yes but no. She might be jealous but by the same token she might simply attach less importance to compliments than you do.
You say “ I would always say ‘new coat? Looks lovely’, even if it didn’t!”
Maybe she’s not the sort of person to give out fake compliments just to be nice?
It’s hard to tell.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/02/2021 08:31

I’d just stop contacting her. She doesn’t sound like a nice person.

I’ve done this with people when I realised I was putting in all the effort or they weren’t adding anything positive to my life. Didn’t fall out with them. Just stopped contacting them. I don’t feel worse off for it.

pictish · 06/02/2021 08:32

And yeah, she doesn’t HAVE to go to the exhibition does she? And she IS allowed to be interested in a different one. I’m going to assume she is familiar with your dh’s work already.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2021 08:33

Telling someone they’ve got fat if they didn’t ask, or that you prefer their hair pre new hair cut isn’t damning with faint praise, or refusing to give fake compliments. It’s rude. It’s deliberately hurtful. She knows what she’s doing and it doesn’t sound like she adds much good to your life so ditch her. She’ll find someone else to pick on.

Original poster
Frenchdressing · 06/02/2021 08:33

Yes the exhibition doesn’t matter I guess. Just seems odd that DH is in a photography exhibition and she’s interested in photography, walks past it to see another exhibition!

I don’t see giving compliments as fake really. I think it’s nice to notice if people have new stuff etc.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 06/02/2021 08:34

She’s jealous. You don’t t need this negativity in your life, cut her out.

pictish · 06/02/2021 08:34

Tbh I think it’s down to you and how you feel. If the friendship is troubling you then it might be time to let this one slide. As we get older I think we become more selective about who we set aside time for...and that is just fine.

Jobsharenightmare · 06/02/2021 08:35

I would always say ‘new coat? Looks lovely’ even if it didn’t!

To me there is nothing genuine or kind about this friendship and you'll both be better off letting it fade.

Original poster
Frenchdressing · 06/02/2021 08:35

I guess life is too short to bother about people who are negative.

OP posts:
LawnFever · 06/02/2021 08:36

Sounds like my MIL, always has to drop in a negative no matter what, I wouldn’t put up with that in a so called friend, I’d distance myself, it’s draining having the positivity diluted out of everything (not as easy with a MIL!)

Threeleaper · 06/02/2021 08:36

You seem very invested in her opinion, though, OP, despite knowing what she’s like. Are you desperately hoping one day she will burst forth with stored-up compliments on your haircut, renovation, DH’s photography?

She sounds like a drain, and I’d be rethinking your relationship, but, being Devil’s advocate for a moment, I would have found it irritating for a friend to ask me multiple times if I’d gone to her husband’s photography exhibition.

It’s perfectly possible from what you say of her habitually critical personality, and the fact that she attended another exhibition nearby, that she doesn’t rate his work and didn’t want to lie about liking it.

ZenNudist · 06/02/2021 08:37

Yanbu drop her

Original poster
Frenchdressing · 06/02/2021 08:41

I didn’t ask her multiple times. I asked her a couple of times.

If it was the reverse, I would make the effort to see it, to be a supportive friend and show interest.(she is nominally friends with DH too and had actually had a formal invitation to the preview).

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/02/2021 08:43

@Frenchdressing

Yes the exhibition doesn’t matter I guess. Just seems odd that DH is in a photography exhibition and she’s interested in photography, walks past it to see another exhibition!

I don’t see giving compliments as fake really. I think it’s nice to notice if people have new stuff etc.

Not all photography is the same though. If your DH takes endless photos of trains for example, I wouldn’t be interested in seeing that. If he took wildlife photos or something, I might go and see it.

As a PP said, I’d find it annoying to be endlessly asked if I’d been to see an exhibition. I’d probably have gone for the opening to be polite and support a friend though.

Original poster
Frenchdressing · 06/02/2021 08:43

And no I am not invested in her opinion. I just felt disappointed in her negative response and it got me thinking that she is never supportive, never says anything nice. Other friends do. I do. It was just a bit of an eye opening moment.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 06/02/2021 08:47

If you're not sure what you get from the friendship and she's making you get bad enough to come on here, just dump her.

NotSorry · 06/02/2021 08:48

My mother was like this OP (now deceased). Didn’t matter what it was she could never be nice about something. I thought about it and I think she was a very insecure woman and so by being negative to me it dragged me back to her level so she could feel better about herself. Obviously it doesn’t work so the cycle continues. Eventually I stopped telling her anything that was going on in my life and we were very low contact.

HundredMilesAnHour · 06/02/2021 08:58

To be honest, you sound a bit fake OP. And that you want your friends to be fake also. What you call being nice is what some people would call lying. Your friend is at the opposite end of the scale to you and tells the truth even when it might be hurtful. Whereas you lie to be 'nice'. I don't think you're compatible ass friends unless you can find a way to meet in the middle.

BaggoMcoys · 06/02/2021 09:00

I am not very observant and often don't notice things like new hair cuts, new clothes, home decorating etc unless it's pointed out to me! But I do give a compliment rather than criticism if I notice or something is pointed out. Your friend sounds a bit too negative or mean. I used to have a friend like that actually. If I had good news or had done some home improvement etc, she would find problems with it or ignore it. The focus always had to be on her and on her life. I told myself she was either jealous or insecure for a long time and let it slide, but I got sick eventually and phased her out of my life. I don't regret it.