This ‘friend’ is not my friend is she?

[Frenchdressing]

This sounds trivial but is bothering me.

We finally finished decorating our back room and it looks nice and really transformed. A couple of things need sorting but will have to wait until shops open. Sent photo to friend (she asked) who said...’looks OK but that door needs sorting’. Well yes she knows we need to replace knackered old door. But ‘OK’? Bit of a shit thing to say? Felt unkind.

Anyway got me thinking that she never ever gives a compliment. I get a haircut and she says ‘liked it better long’ for example. Never mentions anything new I get. I would always say ‘new coat? Looks lovely’ even if it didn’t! Never mentions anything. She’s quick to tell me negative stuff though such as ‘you’ve put on weight’ etc.

Worst thing...DH is a photographer and pre COVID had an exhibition in a small gallery in our city. I invited friend to the opening but she declined. Fair enough. I asked her a few times if she’s been to see it (she is a actually an amateur photographer herself) and she hadn’t. Then she happened to say she had seen another exhibition at a gallery in town. She would have had to walk past DHs gallery to get there! Why could she not just pop in? For politeness even? She’s supposed to be a friend. She’s supposedly interested in photography.

DH says she jealous. Of what I do not know, I’m starting to think she’s not a real friend.

You said you’d asked her ‘a few times’ in your OP, so that was what I was responding to.

You’re obviously the best judge of her behaviour towards you, but I don’t see the photography exhibition in the same way. I’m a novelist, and people I know have often asked me to read anything from their multi-volume self-published space opera to their teenager’s spoken word poetry to their husband’s legal thriller. I have a blanket policy of not reading friends’ or friends’ and relatives’ of friends work. Mostly it would eat my own writing time, but also, it’s mostly pretty bad, and these people don’t want constructive criticism (which takes a lot of time and care) they want admiration, and an agent introduction.

I’m not suggesting your husband’s exhibition was bad, but if she’s not someone who does fake compliments easily — and from what you say she definitely isn’t — I would assume she doesn’t much like his work and has decided to avoid it rather than pay insincere compliments.

Oh I’m fake? Lovely. Thanks.

Saying someone looks nice when they’ve just had a haircut is just kind? Or are we supposed to be brutally critical of our friends?

Well the exhibition is probably a red herring then. I dunno. I try and be supportive to friends and I think I might have made an effort knowing it was important to them.

I had a friend like this...excitedly showed her my new kitchen and she said ‘oh it’s rather plain isn’t it’. The funny thing with her was she went out of her way to be an excellent friend when I was having a shit time, but if I was feeling good/happy/proud she always had to piss on my chips.
I think she was very insecure and liked to be the rescuer, if I didn’t need rescuing it made her feel anxious.
We drifted apart.

compatible ass friends

Weird responses on here. This thread could have gone v differently at another time.
Your friend is obviously jealous, never looking for an opportunity to encourage, and actually makes a negative comment when given the opportunity to be kind.

Of course she should have gone to the exhibition! We do what we can to support and encourage friends - go out when we’d rather stay in, answer a call when we’d rather be on MN and watch a film that we’re not that interested it. It’s life with other people. She can’t bring herself to be encouraging towards you and is actively negative. Get rid.

Yeah she sounds critical and probably a bit insecure.
Is she happy in her own life?
Is she a good friend?
How do you feel after spending time with her/talking to her?

Pissing on your chips....,yep that sums it up.

If a friend sent me a photo of a new room they’d been working on and she was pleased and excited for me to see it..,...my first response wouldn’t be to look for the one negative thing.

Thanks for your opinions everyone. Felt helpful to share it as been bothering me.

What a cow.
It sounds like she is jealous of you.

How long have you been friends with her for?

I have a very similar friend. Everything good that happens to me she has to shit on. She was a friend from 3 years old, and now she makes shitty comments about my house and how it could do with an extension (even though it is twice the size of hers). It stems from insecurities. Have you said anything to her?

Take this time to distance yourself from her. Don't ask for opinions as you won't get it. Ask someone else who will be a bit kinder

She most definitely isn't your friend....I have had someone like this in my life, and one day I realised, after a particularly back-handed compliment, that I just didn't need or want her toxicity in my life any more.

She is either jealous or disinterested. It wouldn't hurt her to just say the room looked nice.

Some people think their opinion is so important and have to say something. A neighbour of mine years ago after I had cut my long hair into a bob (I do this, grow then cut) asked "why?".

I would start to distance myself from this person OP. If the relationship is making you unhappy enough to question it this much, then it's not serving you.

I've found that some people compete with you even when you're not competitive. I have a cousin who is like this. Lovely to everybody else (in an OTT love bomb kind of way, but very very cold to me) she seems to hate me for no reason I can fathom. She has made me the lightening rod for her own inner conflicts. She has everything you could possibly value and yet I threaten her somehow. Literally all I've got is that I'm genuine, but she doesn't even have the awareness to understand that she has a mask. So I don't know why she is so competitive with me.

She's not my friend, she's a relative, but I think some long friendships fall in to these patterns, where one or both is somehow without meaning to holding up a mirror to the other and making them face something about themselves that they don't like, in a way that a much newer acquaintance or friendship doesn't seem to do

You don't need to justify yourself, if seeing someone or being in contact with them leaves you feeling unhappy, that's a good time to cut contact. She drains your energy.

There’s nothing ‘fake’ about being nice, when being negative or critical is only going to upset the other person and achieve nothing.

IMO people who justify it by calling it ‘lying’ if they don’t speak their mind on every possible occasion just enjoy putting other people down. I should know - I have an aunt who prides herself on ‘speaking her mind’ - and as a result many of the family have as little to do with her as possible.

If I were you I’d distance yourself from this ‘friend’, OP.

ps, I agree, what I actually thought wouldn't come in to it, if my friend sent me a photo of a room she was proud of, I'd say ''it must be so lovely to sit and relax on your sofa looking around you, x''.

it doesn't actually matter if you wouldn't have paired salmon with mint. ykwim. Gawd.

Thanks.

I don't think you sound even slightly fake and I do think it's weird to walk past a photography exhibition put on by a friend's husband to go to a different exhibition. It would have been supportive of her friend to go. I'd have absolutely made the effort to go even if it was about trains and I wasn't interested in trains.

You're not 'fake' op and others are right, she is jealous. Don't bother with her any more.

You don’t sound fake to me at all. You sound kind and like someone that would be a good person to have as a friend. It’s time to let this friendship fizzle out and you will wonder why you ever bothered with her.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I agree with you completely but it's an issue that often confuses insecure/discontented people.

A lot of people think that if they don't verbalise every negative thought they have they're being ''fake''

They don't get that they're advertising their resentments and their insecurities and their dissatisfaction.

If you walk around feeling content with your lot, you realise instantly that the point is your friend is happy TOO and so you don't even need to engage your brain before you speak, you'll just be happy for your friend's happiness so whatever comes out will be genuine. The actual nuts and bolts of what she did with the room aren't the point.

Thank you. I hope I’m not fake. I try to be a supportive friend.

I recently called my best and oldest friend on something. For the last 30 years she messes me around. When I phone she always has to walk the dogs, do marking etc and never has time to chat always says she will ring me back and doesn’t. Then she has other things that piss me off. She will invite herself to stay for a week and then say she is arriving Friday and leaving Friday, I’ll check with her (as she often disappears mid stay) and I’ll say I had planned to go to Pete Wednesday - Friday though and she says - no I’m coming for the whole week can you cancel him I want to see you. Then she arrives on Thursday and not Friday and says ‘that’s ok isn’t it’ when she is already arrived and then tells me on Tuesday evening that she is leaving Wednesday am and says now you can go and stay with Pete - except Pete Is now busy and I’ve cancelled everything. Got food in for her etc - does my head in. Last week I phoned in tears as I was really low (doesn’t often happen) she was popping out and would ring me the next day. She didn’t. So I sent a text telling it like it is - ie when you ring and are low - if I am busy, you insist I drop everything as you need to talk. Likewise if you ring and I don’t answer, you ring and ring and ring demanding I ring you back ASAP etc but I rang you once and I was low and just wanted a chat and guess what you promised to ring yesterday and you didn’t - but it’s not a fair or balanced relationship. She rang me back within 10 seconds and apologised. She is a dithery thing I get that but also the situation isn’t fair. 30 plus years of friendship might soon explode 🤯 but I don’t invite her to stay anymore and I won’t cancel plans etc in your case call her out on it

You don't have to be fake to give a compliment. You just look for something that you do like. "new coat? That's a lovely colour on you/I bet that's cosy/that would be great with some brown boots/I saw a lovely scarf that would go with that"