This ‘friend’ is not my friend is she?

[Frenchdressing]

This sounds trivial but is bothering me.

We finally finished decorating our back room and it looks nice and really transformed. A couple of things need sorting but will have to wait until shops open. Sent photo to friend (she asked) who said...’looks OK but that door needs sorting’. Well yes she knows we need to replace knackered old door. But ‘OK’? Bit of a shit thing to say? Felt unkind.

Anyway got me thinking that she never ever gives a compliment. I get a haircut and she says ‘liked it better long’ for example. Never mentions anything new I get. I would always say ‘new coat? Looks lovely’ even if it didn’t! Never mentions anything. She’s quick to tell me negative stuff though such as ‘you’ve put on weight’ etc.

Worst thing...DH is a photographer and pre COVID had an exhibition in a small gallery in our city. I invited friend to the opening but she declined. Fair enough. I asked her a few times if she’s been to see it (she is a actually an amateur photographer herself) and she hadn’t. Then she happened to say she had seen another exhibition at a gallery in town. She would have had to walk past DHs gallery to get there! Why could she not just pop in? For politeness even? She’s supposed to be a friend. She’s supposedly interested in photography.

DH says she jealous. Of what I do not know, I’m starting to think she’s not a real friend.

I want people like you as a friend!. In the past, being a bit of a people pleaser I attracted friends who used me to plamás their egos. All of this was unconscious. Just, I stepped in to the role of making them feel better (than me) and they lapped that up. Then after a decade of ''growth'' :-p I suppose I wasn't fulfilling that role as well as I once had and and there were frictions. I have let a friend or two go over the last decade because those friendships were formed when my self-esteem wasn't as healthy as it is now.

There are people who aren't trying to place you just one rung beneath them on a hierarchy that exists in their head.

There are people out there who just let every body 'be'. I also need to build up a friendship network of people who are just happy to let others 'be'.

The friends I've held on to are lovely and Im lucky they've been so lovely over whatsapp and facebook this last year but it'd be lovely to make more friends (closer ones) locally. I do know a few lovely people but I'm never in their closest circle!

I had a friend like this. She was absolutely great if I had a crisis.

Wasn't so great when things were good for me.

Took her not coming to something that was really important and nice for me for me to realise she LOVED when things for me were a bit shit. Made her feel superior and better about herself.

I know this says much more about her than me. I just stop calling. She eventually stopped calling! Haven't seen her now for years and am happy about that.

This friend of yours sounds similar. Stop calling her. You don't need people in your life dragging you down.

@Frenchdressing

Thank you. I hope I’m not fake. I try to be a supportive friend.

I didn’t mean to imply you are fake...you sound lovely.

I was thinking of myself really...I find it really hard to offer a compliment when I know it’s not genuine. It makes me feel dishonest. However, I am very good at offering enthusiastic compliments when they’re authentic.

If she never says anything affirmative or encouraging she’s probably a cow. 😉

Yes, one woman I was childhood friends with was great when I was dumped just before my 30th birthday. I was very low then so I forgive her a decade of sniping at me. I was strong enough to take it. And that was the point I guess. She preferred it when I wasn't strong.

We are friends on fb now. No communication beyond writing happy birthday on a feed once a year.

You have every right to drop her if you would like to. Like you said, who needs that kind of negativity in their lives? I wouldn’t consider her a friend either.

Mumsnet very often tells people they’re being unreasonable, even when it’s perfectly reasonable in my experience. I don’t post a lot for that reason.

There’s nothing ‘fake’ about not wanting to hurt a friend’s feelings, ffs. It would be fake to gush about how fantastic something is when you truly don’t think so, but just a casual ‘nice top’ comment when prompted? Seriously nothing wrong with that at all.

I have family members who demand the truth from me on tops they’ve bought ME and who then sulk terribly when I say ‘It’s lovely, but it doesn’t look good on me. I’m so sorry and thanks for thinking of me’.
People like that are so tiring.

Shes an energy vampire. Sucks the life out of people. Spend time with supportive friends, life is too short to waste on this persons agenda

Yeah I suspect, from what you've told us, she doesn't like it when good things happen to other people.

Interesting that you can be called fake when all you’re doing is being kind isn’t it? If a mate said’ had my haircut. Hate it. Honest opinion?’ And I thought it was bad, I wouldn’t lie but I’d be as positive as possible. However, if said friend said ‘had my hair cut and really like it’, there is nothing to be gained by saying it looks bad other than to make her feel like shit.

I feel people use the ‘I refuse to be fake’ argument as a way to be unkind. There’s a place for honesty but you have to consider the impact and what purpose the honesty serves.

Interesting reading the replies. I would pick up on something I actually genuinely believed to compliment someone one. I would never, unprompted, offer a statement I don't think is true. I think that's odd and fake.

Very different to someone asking you for an opinion and/or fishing for a compliment, where some emotional intelligence is required.

@Frenchdressing

Oh I’m fake? Lovely. Thanks.

Saying someone looks nice when they’ve just had a haircut is just kind? Or are we supposed to be brutally critical of our friends?

OP you sound like a lovely friend. I think it's important to praise people and make them feel good about themselves. There's so much negativity around, why not cheer someone up by saying their hair looks nice or you love what they've done with their garden.

Keeping being you OP, and ignore the negative posts.

In response to your friend, I would back away if she's not adding to your life.

Thanks @aModernClassic

I had a 'friend' like this but I was pretty sure she must have hated me to always put me down so I ditched her in the end.

@Frenchdressing

Interesting that you can be called fake when all you’re doing is being kind isn’t it? If a mate said’ had my haircut. Hate it. Honest opinion?’ And I thought it was bad, I wouldn’t lie but I’d be as positive as possible. However, if said friend said ‘had my hair cut and really like it’, there is nothing to be gained by saying it looks bad other than to make her feel like shit.

I feel people use the ‘I refuse to be fake’ argument as a way to be unkind. There’s a place for honesty but you have to consider the impact and what purpose the honesty serves.

I am the same as you OP, if a friend buys a new coat but is not to my taste I will find something to be complimentary about it, the colour, or looks good on her, or looks warm etc,

There is enough crap and shittyness in this world without our so called friends adding to as as the don’t want to appear “fake”

If people think it's fake to always find something positive to say, isn't it just as fake to somehow always find something negative to say? The only difference being that negative people make their friends feel shit instead of making them feel good.

In any case, I don't think it's 'fake' to find something nice to say about friends' successes and joys, even if they aren't what you'd want for yourself. It's normal!