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Original poster

My friend is a catch - why is she still single?

66 replies

merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 13:48

I have a gorgeous friend - both inside and out. She is naturally very attractive and always had a queue of admiring men. She's a lovely person - smart, kind, funny etc. She is the overall package. Yet she's my only friend who isn't married. It's been one doomed relationship after the other - usually with commitment phobic men. I just don't get what's going on. She's desperate to meet someone, settle down and have a family. I don't have any male friends or relatives to set her up with, otherwise I would! I can't figure it out. Is it just luck? Surely, someone like her would be snapped up pretty quickly. Maybe she has better boundaries. Any thoughts? Do you know anyone like my friend?

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/02/2021 13:54

Maybe she is abusive.

Maybe she has a weird sexual fetish.

Maybe she just hasn't met someone she is compatible with.

Maybe she doesn't place as much worth on her relationship status as her friends do.

🤷‍♀️ who knows.

hangaround · 05/02/2021 14:01

Who people are as friends and who they are in relationships can be very different. As a young adult I had some incredible friends, but they'd have been undesirable romantic partners for varying reasons (at the time and to me at least, many have grown up/dealt with their issues since)

That's not to say that there's anything wrong with your friend but we can all be different people with different people if that makes sense.

Sometimes it's just wrong place, wrong time, wrong circumstances. Some people meet their life partner as a teen, some don't until their later years. Some never do and many settle along the way to facilitate other dreams, like having a family, getting married etc.

It's unfortunately one of those things that are a bit out of our control, but I hope your friend finds what she's looking for.

Original poster
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 14:11

Honestly I don't think it's her. She didn't want to settle down in her 20s, as she wanted to focus on her career, getting her own place, she's even lived and worked abroad. But now she's in her 30s, perhaps the pool is too small to find a decent enough man?

I've spent a lot of time with her and her partners. I don't think any of the men have been good enough for her tbh. Good men aren't in abundance, let's be honest.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 05/02/2021 14:15

Sometimes it's not meeting the right people.
Sometimes it's fear of commitment
Sometimes it's unrealistic expectations

I'll clarify the last one. I am not saying that you should settle for "just anyone" or with something that is going to always niggle, or ignore red flags.
I can remember dm commented about a friend of hers that if they "weren't swept off their feet on the first date she wasn't interested". She was really lovely and any man would have been lucky to have her, but she had taken in the Disney movie love at first sight idea and pulled back from any date very quickly.

Afonavon · 05/02/2021 14:15

I wonder if being beautiful externally attracts the wrong people. I am glad that I am not physically attractive as DH would never have had the confidence to consider me as a prospective partner.

Cam2020 · 05/02/2021 14:18

Bad taste in men?

justanotherneighinparadise · 05/02/2021 14:27

What was her upbringing like? It sounds to me like she is picking unsuitable men which can often happen as a result of following patterns of behaviour modelled to her during childhood by her parents.

KarensChoppyBob · 05/02/2021 14:29

She's desperate to meet someone, settle down and have a family.

There it is.

People/prospective partners can sense desperation and it's very off-putting. No one wants to be settled 'for'.

visitorfromtheplanetzog · 05/02/2021 14:32

Perhaps her ex-boyfriends weren't commitment-phobes until they found out about her sheer desperation. She may have unwittingly driven them away.

73kittycat73 · 05/02/2021 14:36

Is she sure she's not gay? Not a flippant remark, happened to me!

EmmanuelleMakro · 05/02/2021 14:37

Agree with all of these!
Her desperation giving off desperation pheromones.
Wrong men attracted - over confident types brave enough to approach a gorgeous woman while better men don’t think she would look at them.
The best me (at committing) already ‘taken’

SignsofSpring · 05/02/2021 14:51

It's really just a numbers game. If you don't have a job where you meet lots of men, and you are now in lockdown, options are limited and it's quite hard to sort the wheat from the chaff online dating.

She might be a bit desperate to settle down, she might be beautiful, all these things are true but they don't stop desperate or beautiful people getting married- they just have to find someone equally willing to plough on, or into beauties. It's not that.

She has to go where there are likely to be dates or go on lots of dates. She also has to have a good filtering system, so getting rid of the unlikely to commit/not very nice men, because they waste time you need for finding nice people- friends can help with this, I have more than once given advice to friends about this (in a tactful kind way I hope) who really don't have time to mess about.

Dozer · 05/02/2021 14:54

‘ It's been one doomed relationship after the other - usually with commitment phobic men’

Sounds like for whatever reasons (eg to do with her past, role models, self esteem etc) she’s made some poor decisions about relationships.

And is now disadvantaged because of her age/sex because she wants DC and men of a similar age often discriminate.

Dozer · 05/02/2021 14:56

Eg as the PP says, she should end things much sooner with men who don’t treat her well / whose actions show they don’t want what she wants.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2021 15:00

I think it's her desperation that's doing her in. She'll latch onto any guy who's interested, all the while ignoring red flags. I've seen this happen time and time again.

DaphneBridgerton · 05/02/2021 15:01

In a word... "desperate"
Guys can smell it a mile off
And also, good guys ARE in abundance if you ask me

Original poster
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:01

KarensChoppyBob Fri 05-Feb-21 14:29:05
She's desperate to meet someone, settle down and have a family.

There it is.

Perhaps desperate is an exaggeration. She is keen for it to happen, but hasn't seriously talked about it with any of these men, as none were up to scratch.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:02

DaphneBridgerton

And also, good guys ARE in abundance if you ask me

I have a great DH, I am lucky, but we can respectfully disagree that good guys are in abundance I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:03

Great advice SignsofSpring I'll rely this back to her, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:04

Thanks all for posting, just a little sad to see a lot of internalised misogyny on this thread.

OP posts:
HollyGoLoudly1 · 05/02/2021 15:06

I have a friend like this. I put it down to a combination of having terrible taste in men and also, whilst a lovely friend, being a bit of a nightmare as a girlfriend.

Original poster
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:06

EmmanuelleMakro
Wrong men attracted - over confident types brave enough to approach a gorgeous woman while better men don’t think she would look at them.

She's dated all sorts - very good looking, less attractive, rich, and average guys. They all loved having a beautiful woman on their arms clearly, and none are married even now. She can only go with the men who approach/ask her out, so not sure how else she can attract more normal blokes looking for a meaningful relationship? As someone else said, it's all about meeting as many people as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:07

HollyGoLoudly1
My friend is deffos not a nightmare girlfriend, if anything, she is rather relaxed, and very non demanding and fun. Think it's the men attracted to her that's the problem.

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 05/02/2021 15:10

I have a friend who is similar. But I definitely see a pattern of the men she dates being vain, self obsessed knobheads that dick her about or being lovely, kind and her deciding she doesn't like them because they're too nice and letting them go. I feel like shaking her sometimes but what can you do. It's her life!

LaLoose · 05/02/2021 15:10

I wouldn't disregard what a PP said about it being the fault of the looks.

My most beautiful friend has had exactly the same thing. She's been among my best friends for more than 20 years and has had a procession of shits, time-wasters and nut-jobs. Witnessing her and her relationships over that time, I have come to the conclusion that most nice men are a) scared b) think she's taken or too good for them. With them out of the equation, the arrogant narcissists have a clear playing field.