My friend is a catch - why is she still single?

[merrygolucky]

I have a gorgeous friend - both inside and out. She is naturally very attractive and always had a queue of admiring men. She's a lovely person - smart, kind, funny etc. She is the overall package. Yet she's my only friend who isn't married. It's been one doomed relationship after the other - usually with commitment phobic men. I just don't get what's going on. She's desperate to meet someone, settle down and have a family. I don't have any male friends or relatives to set her up with, otherwise I would! I can't figure it out. Is it just luck? Surely, someone like her would be snapped up pretty quickly. Maybe she has better boundaries. Any thoughts? Do you know anyone like my friend?

So a desperate woman goes for commitment phobia men - what could possible go wrong

She’s a secret commitment phob too. That’s why she chooses those men. Then she doesn’t have to face the fact that it’s her that’s scared of the future/ children/ marriage etc.

Say hi to her from this secret commitment phob too 👋

I think there's definitely something in it with PP are saying her beauty is attracting the wrong type of man. If she's going to do OLD maybe she should join bumble or similar where the women make the first move or just start sending messages first on her usual app. I also think she should try dating men outside of her usual "type".

My rule for OLD was that as long as I didn't find someone outright ugly and their bio was okay I would swipe for them. Just because I think you can't tell how attractive a person is just through photos because mannerisms and the way they walk and talk can make someone very attractive. Before my first date with my DP I wasn't mega excited because in his photos he looked quite plain but as soon as I saw him in real life I was blown away and thought he was so gorgeous. I also think guys who have loads of amazing photos of themselves, selfies etc must be quite vain. Whereas most nice, normal men I've met don't spend ages posing in the mirror to get the perfect shot.

I was like this. I wasn't a commitment-phobe at all, but was less confident than my 'put-together' exterior suggested so didn't like to approach guys.

I think it's definitely down to intimidation... I had so many guys say to me something along the lines of "you must get hit on/asked out all the time" and I would always tell the truth - no, hardly ever! Then the guys that did approach me were often the over-confident / narcissistic type (I have only figured this out years later!) so I would often be treated badly by them or cheated on etc.

Married one of them who kept the cheating until after the marriage, so am now a single Mum. Honestly, OP, my advice would be to figure out what she wants and do it herself. My life would be easier without my ex in it, I kind of wish I had gone with a sperm donor!

In my experience there are many available men that want to settle down too but they are unattractive in some way. Many times women seem to choose the bad option whilst ignoring the good. They might not be as confident, good looking or prosperous but they would be safe.

Safe is boring.

I think sometimes women need to reassess what they are looking for and why things went wrong. People get set in their ways. Trying new things or a complete change in environment can help reset old established patterns.

There’s just so few decent men out there. Many married women settle out of desperation to get a ring on their finger or have a baby.
There’s cheaters, commitment-phobes, boring ones, abusive ones, sleazy ones, and of course the ones who ‘can’t’ cook or clean.
She probably just has high standards!

Agree, you don't need to join a specific dating app to make the first move.

Last time I was on POF I only set dates up with men whose profiles I liked the look of, who I messaged, and who replied. I ignored incoming messages. I chose POF specifically for the numbers. Maybe other platforms have more traffic now as it was a few years ago.

That's how I met my DP.

It's about taking control of your dating life and stop seeing yourself as someone to be "chosen". OK you can still make mistakes, maybe she could shortlist a few profiles and run them past you OP for some input before she messages them.

TwilightSkies
She probably just has high standards!

Yep, there's definitely some truth in this. She gives a man a chance, but she's the one to end most of the relationships. I wish some of our mutual friends adopted her approach too - so many in awful marriages, just go to the relationship board on this website to see countless examples!

PandemicAtTheDisco

I think sometimes women need to reassess what they are looking for and why things went wrong. People get set in their ways. Trying new things or a complete change in environment can help reset old established patterns.

Another great piece of advice I'll relay back to my mate! Thanks!

MonaChopsis Fri 05-Feb-21 16:26:37

I think it's definitely down to intimidation... I had so many guys say to me something along the lines of "you must get hit on/asked out all the time" and I would always tell the truth - no, hardly ever! Then the guys that did approach me were often the over-confident / narcissistic type (I have only figured this out years later!) so I would often be treated badly by them or cheated on etc.

I noticed that when I was in my 20s, and much slimmer, I would get attention from the wrong type of man. Whenever I put on a bit of weight, they'd disappear

Married one of them who kept the cheating until after the marriage, so am now a single Mum. Honestly, OP, my advice would be to figure out what she wants and do it herself. My life would be easier without my ex in it, I kind of wish I had gone with a sperm donor!

So sorry to hear this, but at least you are shot of the low life! Are you dating/trying to meet men moving forward?

dazzlinghaze
I think there's definitely something in it with PP are saying her beauty is attracting the wrong type of man.

Oh yes, I noticed that when I was in my 20s, and much slimmer, I would get attention from the wrong type of man. Whenever I put on a bit of weight, they'd disappear lol!

Don’t want to sound rude but people can be different in relationships than in friendships. She might be clingy in a relationship but doesn’t tell you that, want to love things too fast or they want one. There’s how ever many billion people in the world if she finds THE ONE she will

SIL is a bit like this - beautiful, talented, incredibly high achieving, one of those people who just walks into exciting opportunities (and is really lovely and unpretentious too). But we're not aware of any long term relationships - she lived abroad for a bit last year and apparently had a thing with a slightly older divorcee but she didn't think it could go anywhere.

Thing is, I think she'd like a quiet, unassuming guy, but guys like that probably assume she's way out of their league, and maybe that's the problem. She gets approached by confident, smooth charmers, but she's not interested in that - she wants intellectual stimulation and depth, I think.

Echobelly I wonder if we're talking about the same person!

Definitely agree about the ‘too together’ v ‘ ‘damsel in distress’
I am splitting from a STBXH. His EA ‘needed’ him while I ‘didn’t’. Talking to friends, seems like a common theme often seen when a couple look adter à recently widowed friend and the H and widowed friend get together ‘she needed me, you didn’t’