Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

My friend is a catch - why is she still single?

66 replies

merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 13:48

I have a gorgeous friend - both inside and out. She is naturally very attractive and always had a queue of admiring men. She's a lovely person - smart, kind, funny etc. She is the overall package. Yet she's my only friend who isn't married. It's been one doomed relationship after the other - usually with commitment phobic men. I just don't get what's going on. She's desperate to meet someone, settle down and have a family. I don't have any male friends or relatives to set her up with, otherwise I would! I can't figure it out. Is it just luck? Surely, someone like her would be snapped up pretty quickly. Maybe she has better boundaries. Any thoughts? Do you know anyone like my friend?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 05/02/2021 15:11

Desperation is a deeply unattractive trait.

I don’t see how it is misogynistic to say that, or any of the other comments on this thread.

Just because you think she’s a catch, doesn’t mean that other people do. After all, you’re not looking to date/marry her are you? So your expectations and opinions are different.

angelaEhen · 05/02/2021 15:13

I have two friends like this one of them I can't figure out while she can't find anyone she trys really hard. One of my friends that lived with her said she's to sarcastic and scares them off.

The other has way to many rule about how they look what they do, must not have kids or want them. In truth I think she doesn't really want anyone.

Dozer · 05/02/2021 15:14

Not ‘internalised misogyny’ to suggest that your friend’s actions/choices have contributed to her situation.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 05/02/2021 15:16

Also I think there's something about the way she meets men online....she's stunning and seems to attract model type men, the type that pose in their photos with their top off in the mirror (barf), normal men don't seem to message her as much. I think there's also a sense that she goes for men as equally attractive as her, but in my experience very good looking trendy men aren't always very nice. Vain, full of themselves, and looking for a trophy for their arm that seems to mean also going for much younger women and my friend is late thirties. The very good looking but nice men aren't often single in their thirties.

Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 15:16

@HollyGoLoudly1

I have a friend like this. I put it down to a combination of having terrible taste in men and also, whilst a lovely friend, being a bit of a nightmare as a girlfriend.
I have a friend like this. She has lived alone for a long time and says she finds it difficult to compromise with someone sharing her space. She’s also said that she quite high maintenance looks-wide, as the “naturally attractive” appearance requires a lot more time, effort and money than when she was in her 20s.
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:17

I think you have it spot on LaLoose

OP posts:
Dazedandconfused10 · 05/02/2021 15:18

**She can only go with the men who approach/ask her out,
Well, I mean, she can approach men...

costco · 05/02/2021 15:18

This is interesting. I'm single, 43, and a lot of my friends have told me throughout the years that they don't know why i'm not married. Obviously I do'nt know for sure, but part of it that i'm often told i'm "intimidating" to men. I don't give the impression that I need them, i've travelled a lot (!), and since my last long-term relationship ended 10 years ago, i have noticed that on dates it's hard for someone to impress me - not in my eyes, but in theirs.They'll say, so I have this dream about going to NEw Zealand and going bungy jumping. "oh yeah, that was cool". Or, "i'd love to learn scuba diving and catch my own scallops"... yeah, that was fun. "everest base camp", vallee blanche, jungle trek, three peaks, big city marathons, mountain biking in the Himalayas, helicopter ride, Christmas shopping in New York....

ok, now I just sound really big-headed, and that's exactly what I mean. Obviously I would never ever spend a date banging on about all the things I've done. But the only people who ask me on dates are quite confident/arrogant and quite literally think that I am a trophy. Most recent relationship was actually more successful, in that sense, as he didn't know very much about me and I was so keen on him that we talked about plans and life, and his impending trip, most of the time.

Since 2011, I haven't had a relationship that lasted longer than six months, so I guess i've been through six boyfriends and ended five of those.
But apart from the above-mentioned trophy problem, the other thing is that i have become more and more picky. I also probalby have a bit of prickly pear exterior because I don't want to get hurt. Plus I like to do what I want when I want, and I don't want to be told what to do or where to put my stuff, when to go to bed, what to eat, what to wear or what i'm thinking (yes that happens).
So maybe I'm an entitled show-offy princess!! That's actually quite possible.

merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:20

Interesting, thanks for sharing your experience allcostco hope you meet someone who suits you well! Are you dating now? How do you generally meet men?

OP posts:
lightand · 05/02/2021 15:24

"She didnt want to settle down in her 20s".
Sadly, sounds like she somewhat missed the boat.

merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:26

lightand Fri 05-Feb-21 15:24:28
"She didnt want to settle down in her 20s".
I don't think it's that. Among our professional circles in a big city, it's the norm to settle down in 30s. I settled in my mid 30s and didn't miss the boat.

OP posts:
lightand · 05/02/2021 15:29

How old is she now?

dottiedodah · 05/02/2021 15:29

Lightand "She didnt want to settle down in her 20s" Sounds like she missed the boat! FFS we are in 2021 here not the 50s! Young women have lots of opportunities to travel ,build a career and so on usually in their 20s! Sure many young women may be settled down and in LT RL but many arent .Didnt realise there was still a "shelf" to be left on TBH!

ElectraBlue · 05/02/2021 15:29

If she is using online dating, I am not surprised. It is a playground for men who are looking for casual sex and seem unable to commit to a relationship.

Also the king of men who go for a beautiful woman to get an ego stroke and to show off. They won't be really interested in her as a person, just as something decorative...

Maybe she should join an a dating app where women ask men out rather than passively wait for guys to approach her or start asking guys out in real life so she will be able to pick someone who is not just interested in a pretty face.

lightand · 05/02/2021 15:31

It does make the pool smaller though @dottiedodah.

lightand · 05/02/2021 15:32

op has said the exact same thing.

Splann · 05/02/2021 15:34

My friend was in a similar position about 10 years ago. She is lovely, gorgeous looking and fun to be around. But her boyfriends were pretty awful to say the least. She wanted to have children and she said she could feel the desperation creep in. She realised that her current dating methods and choices of men were not working. So she started to date men that weren’t her usual type. She also stopped meeting people in bars and dating sites and joined things like an amateur dramatics group, a choir and a running group. She met her much quieter, gentler husband that way. She says she wouldn’t have dated him back in the day because he was too kind!

Good luck to your friend.

StressedTired · 05/02/2021 15:34

Women don't exist to be "snapped up pretty quickly", she's not a product. Perhaps she (or you?) should worry less about it and concentrate on herself and her own life, then a relationship might happen more naturally.

Lovelydiscusfish · 05/02/2021 15:35

Maybe she is too “together” for a lot of men’s tastes? In my honest experience, in the times of my life when I have been most sorted and successful, offers have been thin on the ground. Conversely, whenever I have had any form of crisis, I have had to fight the men off with a stick! I think a lot of men love a damsel in some form of distress. (And I am not saluting this, or suggesting your friend should stage some kind of collapse just to get a bloke. This is just my own, often bitter, experience.....)

merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:37

Fab advice Splann glad it worked for you!

OP posts:
merrygolucky · 05/02/2021 15:37

Interesting perspective Lovelydiscusfish men apparently like to feel needed...

OP posts:
Maria53 · 05/02/2021 15:45

@dottiedodah I am reading some of these replies wondering what my friends must think about me as a single woman!

I'm late 20s and spent much of my 20s living in 2 fantastic countries, had relationships but hard to stick to when you're on the move. Most men ive dated have been nice apart from one ex who cheated. A couple of exes have said I'm too good for them in looks and intelligence. It is heart breaking to hear someone you love say that. Most men I date are average/quite nice looking and they think I outshine them. I dated one who could've been a model but he resented my success and tried to bring me down.

My recent ex told me I dont need a man over a coffee. He is a major commitment phone but a very nice guy. I am trying to show my vulnerability more as men seem to get the impression I dont need them - but that doesnt mean I dont want them!

The guy I like now is lovely. I think he's gorgeous but objectively speaking he is probably average. He is fairly quiet. Will he ask me out? No. I have droppex hints but he doesnt seem to bite although my gut tells me he likes me.

The desperation bit is hard. I know I have time but i did have a panic moment. Now I'm more relaxed. I think que sera sera. I'll meet someone or I wont. I have little time for drama. Overall OP, I think the pool of good men is quite small past a certain age. What are your friends hobbies, much opportunity to meet men through them?

KarensChoppyBob · 05/02/2021 15:52

Internalised misogyny my arse.

Desperation is equally as much of a turn-off in both sexes ime.

Weirdnessabounds · 05/02/2021 15:53

I have a lovely friend who was in the same sort of position, albeit not stunningly attractive but attractive to a normal level lovely figure gorgeous hair. Own flat, job she enjoyed, active, artistic, busy with hobbies some mixed sex ones and a genuinely nice person. So the sort of person who would like a partner but didn’t need one, she had male friends through her hobbies. She tried OLD meet a few odd men, decided it wasn’t for her, tried meeting men through work, interests etc no luck. She was single for about 10 years then a new guy joined one of her hobby groups they hit it off and now are totally besotted with each other, in the nicest way. He had dated before but just hadn’t met anyone he wanted to settle down with. We joke that they were just waiting to meet each other.

SpringIsComingAlways · 05/02/2021 16:12

Desperation doesn't help.

Maybe what you consider a 'catch' men don't? Maybe she acts different to the men than she does to you?

Maybe she has 'issues' that you are not aware of. I know that I am interested and then due to my own insecurities I question and overthink everything and then push away to test (a really bad thing to do and not attractive at all). Eventually a man/woman might just not bother anymore.

Lots of reasons. We all value different things. What you consider to be a most appealing woman with everything going men might consider unappealing with little to offer - who knows