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Original poster

If a male colleague (above you) said this

71 replies

Anotherdates · 31/01/2021 15:18

What would you think?

After a meeting once, a senior male colleague said to me that I needed to stop playing with my hair in meetings as it was disrespectful to him and to clients, giving the impression I wasn’t interested.

At the time I was a bit taken aback - I never have and wouldn’t sit actually playing with my hair, though I may touch it, or move it regularly in a meeting. I may have also held a strand while writing etc.

Anyway it just came to my mind this morning and I feel furious about it! How dare he have said that!!! I no longer work with him but wish I had stood up to him. Am I being unfair here/did he have a point do you think?

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 31/01/2021 15:52

Impossible to tell from what youve written. You could be underestimating how much you touch your hair. it could be a bugbear of his so he overreacted.

Are you furious because of his reasoning or because you felt accused of something you didnt do?

multiporpose · 31/01/2021 15:57

Would it have made a difference if a female superior had said it?I've seem female managers speak down to males and be condescending if that's what you think he was being.

It is hard to say but yes I can see his point if you were constantly futtering with it, I find women constantly tying up hair in meetings etc somewhat distracting and unprofessional and I remember it annoying teachers at school. Do it in the bathroom before hand.

purpleme12 · 31/01/2021 15:59

He's being ridiculous
I'd say that whether it was a woman or a man who said it

RosieCockle · 31/01/2021 16:09

Impossible for anyone to say without seeing it. I have a colleague who constantly plays with her hair, and kind of drags it between her lips. I very much doubt she's aware that she's doing it or that she does it so much. But it's really quite revolting.

KatyClaire · 31/01/2021 16:10

I do think that playing with hair in a meeting is unprofessional, so I suppose it depends on how much you were actually doing it. If it was just occasionally moving it then he was being ridiculous, but if it was something you did a lot (possibly without being aware of it) I can see why he would raise it.

Whendogsrulestheworld · 31/01/2021 16:11

Actually I sort of agree with him. It looks like you’re bored - and is therefore can look disrespectful - even if you’re doing it unintentionally.

Original poster
Anotherdates · 31/01/2021 16:14

This particular meeting was me and him in a room on a conference to a client who was the other end of the phone.

Maybe he had a point then! I think I feel cross about it as why should he tell me whether I can or should be touching my own hair

OP posts:
multiporpose · 31/01/2021 16:16

''Maybe he had a point then! I think I feel cross about it as why should he tell me whether I can or should be touching my own hair''

but why did you feel the need to say it was a man? It seems that was more the issue than his instruction.

davidsSchitt · 31/01/2021 16:18

God. I hate this. I've got a colleague who never stops. If I was on a call I'd find it very distracting.

The same with swinging on chairs. Hate it. If we gave them a chair with two legs they'd be screaming about their rights.

Sit still and stop fiddling!!!!

Whendogsrulestheworld · 31/01/2021 16:18

There are plenty of equivalent scenarios to this - someone fiddling and chewing on a pen, someone messing around with their tie, etc.

I don’t think this is a male/female thing at all.

davidsSchitt · 31/01/2021 16:19

Don't know why the fact he's a man is relevant though

sofiaaaaaa · 31/01/2021 16:19

Well he’s definitely exerting his authority

It’s hard to comment whether his remarks were valid or not as we weren’t there. Although you don’t set out to “play” with your hair, you probably don’t realise how much you subconsciously touch your hair. It might be more than you realise

Lots of youtubers get comments that they fuss with their hair a lot, and they reply back stating that they didn’t even notice they were doing it

lockeddownandcrazy · 31/01/2021 16:22

Maybe it turns him on and he can't stay focussed.....
I'd just ignore him personally, not like you are picking your nose or something grim.

jarofsticks · 31/01/2021 16:24

Take this as a one off and assume if you'd been picking your nails/looking at your watch/picking fluff off your top etc, that he'd have said the same.
But, if down the line more comments are said then remember that this is when it started.

Crowsandshivers · 31/01/2021 16:26

I had a colleague that used to do this and it drove me insane. She would sit and twist it around and around her fingers.... blah.

Wenolikeexplodeythings · 31/01/2021 16:28

Holding a piece of your hair whilst writing notes in a meeting does sort of give the image of a teenage girl twirling a lock of hair whilst she scribbles her boyfriends name with hearts all over her jotter.

You cant play with your hair at work; its childish and distracting. Doesnt matter that he is a man. If he was a superior to you then its perfectly OK for him to talk to you about unprofessional behaviour.

MiniDoofa · 31/01/2021 16:29

@Whendogsrulestheworld

Actually I sort of agree with him. It looks like you’re bored - and is therefore can look disrespectful - even if you’re doing it unintentionally.
Exactly this. Doesn’t matter what your intention is, or wether you’re oblivious to it, it’s still unprofessional and therefore disrespectful. Sometimes the feedback that’s the hardest to hear is the stuff we actually need to be told. Speaking from experience and after having made the suggested changes.
LynetteScavo · 31/01/2021 16:31

I do think he had a point.

Playing with your hair can look like you're bored or like you're flirting. Neither is appropriate in the situation you described.

justanotherneighinparadise · 31/01/2021 16:31

Do you think he thought you were being flirtatious and thus distracting him in that way or do you think he just found it annoying in the way you would if someone kept tapping their pen on the table?

tenlittlecygnets · 31/01/2021 16:32

wouldn’t sit actually playing with my hair, though I may touch it, or move it regularly in a meeting. I may have also held a strand while writing etc.

You hold your hair while writing? Why? Does it help you write? That doesn't sound very professional.

Sounds like you touch your hair a lot more than you think...

I'd take the feedback on board. Maybe you could ask a trusted colleague if they have noticed you playing with your hair?

PegasusReturns · 31/01/2021 16:32

I’d be grateful someone gave me the feedback.

Years ago whilst on work experience a very senior man said to me that I looked much better now I wasn’t spending the day tugging my skirt down.

At the time I was both mortified and cross, however on reflection the skirt was too short and I’m glad that I learnt the lesson about appropriate clothing early on.

Lots of people engage in irritating and/or distracting behaviour. Most of the time of one person is irritated others are so it’s always good to be made aware.

Nicolastuffedone · 31/01/2021 16:35

I agree with him. I used to work beside someone who twirled her hair when you talking to her, I was never quite sure she was listening to what was going on. All she needed to add was some bubble gum......

sofiaaaaaa · 31/01/2021 16:40

Actually it does sound like you touch your hair A LOT

You admit you regularly mess with it

HibernatingTill2030 · 31/01/2021 16:44

I work with someone who twirls their hair a lot, and looks disinterested and bored with whats going on.
Tie it back for meetings?

WhatsYourNameMan · 31/01/2021 16:50

Hmm this is interesting. I do touch my hair in meetings and don't think I'd realised it could be seen as annoying or disinterested. It's kind of a comfort thing. Definitely going to stop now!

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