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Original poster

If a male colleague (above you) said this

71 replies

Anotherdates · 31/01/2021 15:18

What would you think?

After a meeting once, a senior male colleague said to me that I needed to stop playing with my hair in meetings as it was disrespectful to him and to clients, giving the impression I wasn’t interested.

At the time I was a bit taken aback - I never have and wouldn’t sit actually playing with my hair, though I may touch it, or move it regularly in a meeting. I may have also held a strand while writing etc.

Anyway it just came to my mind this morning and I feel furious about it! How dare he have said that!!! I no longer work with him but wish I had stood up to him. Am I being unfair here/did he have a point do you think?

OP posts:

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 31/01/2021 16:51

I’m male and have long hair, a female colleague I’m senior too told me when I touch my hair it comes across as I’m not concentrating. I was embarrassed and thankful someone told me.

Toorapid · 31/01/2021 16:52

I imagine if it was enough for him to mention it, it must be fairly annoying, or is there another reason you think he felt the need to say it?

I had a colleague who would click their pen constantly. Should that never have been mentioned.

And twirling your hair does make you look bored. It was sound professional advice.

partyatthepalace · 31/01/2021 16:57

If you ‘move your hair regularly’ in a meeting then you are fiddling with it.

It sounds like he was blunt rather than tactful, but he’s right - playing around with hair makes you look childlike and/or bored which is not professional. As an adult you should be avoid fidgeting - tie it back if it’s a habit.

LowlandLucky · 31/01/2021 16:57

Twiddling with your hair is very child like.

VodselForDinner · 31/01/2021 16:58

How long ago was this, and why are you suddenly furious about it?

Why do you take umbrage with such feedback coming from a man? Would hearing it from a woman somehow make it more valid?

Fidgeting with anything in a meeting looks unprofessional, and rude.

NiceGerbil · 31/01/2021 17:03

No it was out of line.

I have a male colleague who plays with his facial hair constantly. It's a bit annoying but it's his face! He talks sense and is good at his job surely that's what matters.

I've also worked with sniffers, people with annoying verbal habits (eh starting every single line with So) and all sorts.

I doubt he'd tell a make colleague to stop fiddling with his beard.

YANBU.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 31/01/2021 17:03

Sorry but i agree with him—it comes across disinterested and unprofessional in a meeting

Whendogsrulestheworld · 31/01/2021 17:06

@NiceGerbil he could well ask a male colleague to stop fiddling with say a tie. Dh has long hair at the moment and has taken to fiddling with it when I talking to him and I have said to him “stop doing that it’s irritating”.

IEat · 31/01/2021 17:09

I think you’re annoyed because you were embarrassed. Let it go move on . It’s one sentence out of the millions you have had said to you

Goatscheesewithhoney · 31/01/2021 17:10

Goodness. I am an adult with ADHD and I fidget. It has never been brought up to me by anyone in my workplace and I actually do it in order to help me concentrate, not as a distraction!

I didn’t realise it was a thing that causes so much distress to other people.

Piranesio · 31/01/2021 17:13

I twirl my hair around my fingers unconsciously when I'm thinking. I have no idea I'm doing it most of the time.

I'm good at my job and it's not hampered my progression. I'm sure some people find it annoying, but I'm sure they do things that annoy me too. Life, innit?!

unbotheredbutbewildered · 31/01/2021 17:13

I find it incredibly annoying when women touch their hair in meetings. It makes me feel like they can't be bothered to listen to me. I also feel like in meetings you should be entirely focussed on what is said - it is why you're being paid.

It all sounds very 'doodling my boyfriends name in hearts' as a previous poster has said.

I tie mine up and don't touch it from when I leave the house until I get home. Never felt a need to have it down at work...most people end up looking scruffy anyway!

Stovetopespresso · 31/01/2021 17:22

I suppose we all have unconscious tics dont we. maybe you could record the next meeting to see whether you do this a lot? I guess its annoying as its a very personal comment by a male and came across as patronising/ humiliating. but while tics can be tolerated but it might be a great way to learn what your body language says about you. you don't sound very aware of how you come across if you fiddle with your hair!

SirGawain · 31/01/2021 17:25

Since you no longer work with him I would let it go. In the past I has work with some people who made particularly rude comments to me and others. I no longer have to deal with them so I don’t waste any time worrying about it. You need to move on.

Coffeeandcocopops · 31/01/2021 17:26

I had to do a presentation to a group of external examiners as part of a professional qualification. Our college arranged some practice sessions with people within the profession. My feedback from one of these sessions was to not fiddle with my hair as it was not professional. I never gave it anymore thought as I decided they were right - it is irritating and unprofessional.

WeatherwaxOn · 31/01/2021 17:37

Hard to know without having been present but I find hair-fiddling really irritating and distracting. If you need to keep rearranging it then you need to find a style.

I also find paper-shuffling, chair-swinging and other fidgeting behaviour distracting in meetings.

Elieza · 31/01/2021 17:41

Why’s it annoying you so much now? You no longer work with him.

What’s the real question you are asking here - “does my male boss fancy me and find me twiddling my hair sexy and distracts him from a meeting as he’s too busy dreaming of bumping uglies with me, and should I ask him out”?!

I’d suggest your hair twiddling should be done out of school time, er, I mean out of work time. And whether or not he fancies you we can’t tell. I’d suggest not as fiddling with things IS very annoying on video calls!

Original poster

Anotherdates · 31/01/2021 17:42

Thanks for the replies! I don’t think I said it as a man in the original post?!

I think it’s the idea that someone (man or woman) feels it’s ok to tell me not to touch my own hair. As for it being fidgety, it’s hardly affecting anyone else!

It seems many people find this offensive though, so seems to be my issue

OP posts:

Original poster

Anotherdates · 31/01/2021 17:46

@IEat why would I be embarrassed about touching and fiddling with my own hair...

But yes, I have moved on. Literally to another company. I just wondered whether I was being unreasonable in my view of this. Seems most think I am!

OP posts:

Whendogsrulestheworld · 31/01/2021 17:57

Am starting to see you may have had other issues with honest feedback.

NiceGerbil · 31/01/2021 17:59

I think lots of people have unconscious tics.

I've noticed it's worse with zoom meets and it's the cleverer people- I think they are always going at 90 mph in their heads and one said it's to keep their head in the conversation which is harder when it's remote.

You will also notice the talkers literally covering their mouths in meetings in order to be polite and not interrupt with all the idea they're having

It really doesn't bother me.

Tbh I'd rather people were relaxed and focused on the conversation rather than spending a part of their brain distracted by trying to suppress their natural tics.

ClutchingMyPearlsAppropriately · 31/01/2021 18:03

@multiporpose

''Maybe he had a point then! I think I feel cross about it as why should he tell me whether I can or should be touching my own hair''

but why did you feel the need to say it was a man? It seems that was more the issue than his instruction.

That's exactly what it was. The 'male' and 'man' bit in all of OP's posts was to cause the sort of stir OP was hoping for. 'How dare a man tell her anything about her body?'...that sort of thing.

I'm quite surprised at the response (which I agree with) and I'm pretty sure OP is too (not to mention disappointed), hence the backpedaling.

VodselForDinner · 31/01/2021 18:05

I don’t think I said it as a man in the original post?!

It was in the title of your post.

grassisjeweled · 31/01/2021 18:06

I agree with him. Hair fiddling is very irritating and just seems try hard girlish

GrimSisters · 31/01/2021 18:07

There's a person in my women's group who does this constantly and I'm on the verge of asking if they've got nits (only half joking). In this particular circumstance, I suspect they do this because they think its a womanly thing to do but none of the rest of us do it.
I've seen people do all sorts of weird sh*t in meetings, including a chap who has an under desk cycle (or at least that's what he says it is). All the jiggling and the puffing make you wonder though.
Sorry OP, I think your boss is well within his rights to mention it!

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