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Original poster

If a male colleague (above you) said this

71 replies

Anotherdates · 31/01/2021 15:18

What would you think?

After a meeting once, a senior male colleague said to me that I needed to stop playing with my hair in meetings as it was disrespectful to him and to clients, giving the impression I wasn’t interested.

At the time I was a bit taken aback - I never have and wouldn’t sit actually playing with my hair, though I may touch it, or move it regularly in a meeting. I may have also held a strand while writing etc.

Anyway it just came to my mind this morning and I feel furious about it! How dare he have said that!!! I no longer work with him but wish I had stood up to him. Am I being unfair here/did he have a point do you think?

OP posts:
Whendogsrulestheworld · 31/01/2021 18:08

@VodselForDinner

I don’t think I said it as a man in the original post?!

It was in the title of your post.

And mentioned about six times therein. I think OP was hoping for outrage
ClutchingMyPearlsAppropriately · 31/01/2021 18:09

Yup.

ClutchingMyPearlsAppropriately · 31/01/2021 18:11

I must say MN posters can be disappointing sometimes - when you need them to do what they do best, they betray you. Other times, they pile on for no reason. Just blowing like the wind!

Original poster
Anotherdates · 31/01/2021 18:12

@Whendogsrulestheworld oh yes you’re right!! 😂

I’m not sure I was hoping for outrage, I was genuinely interested in what people thought.

I think the fact it was a man did irritate me more than it would have done had it been a woman, though.

OP posts:
BerniesMittens · 31/01/2021 18:17

Film yourself while working. You'll be surprised how much you touch your hair, fiddle with pens, touch your face, adjust your sleeve etc without noticing you're doing it.

I filmed myself while practising for a presentation and was shocked by how much I was moving and faffing about when I thought I was standing still! It's incredibly distracting for the watcher.

OzziePopPop · 31/01/2021 18:19

Interesting. I’m autistic and have been told my playing (unconsciously) with my hair is likely a form of self soothing. I’ve had people (men on dates) comment they thought I was flirting but soon realised I do it subconsciously.

Whendogsrulestheworld · 31/01/2021 19:17

@Anotherdates sorry that was snippy of me - I apologise.
But I don’t think it’s a male/female thing. It does look like your bored and not engaging (which to be fair you may well have been).

Suzi888 · 31/01/2021 19:25

Men (and it is always men) picking their god damn nose Angry may be added!

ElectraBlue · 31/01/2021 19:40

Completely inappropriate comment.

Whether you touch your hair too much or not is irrelevant in itself. This guy should keep his sexist comments to himself and stop thinking he is here to judge your body language and appearance. Do you think he would have made the same comment to a man? I doubt it...

I can't believe the number of comments who are trying to justify that behaviour...haven't we moved on from the 1950s?

thinkfast · 31/01/2021 19:50

OP he might've had a point but we wouldn't know unless we were flies on the wall.

You've reminded me that many years ago I once sent a junior (male) colleague home. We were at court for a hearing and he couldn't sit still. Kept rocking on his chair. And yawning when our barrister was speaking. I quietly asked him a couple of times to stop, but he couldn't. So I told him to go home as it was giving a dreadful impression that our client's case was boring.

whiteroseredrose · 31/01/2021 19:52

I was filmed in an interview as part of a training course. I was mortified watching it back as I seemed to be constantly touching, twiddling and arranging my hair and I'd been unaware of it.

It was really distracting to watch, like a TV presenter who keeps flapping their hands around. Hard to concentrate on what they're saying.

NiceGerbil · 01/02/2021 23:23

I've worked with

Beard and moustache feelers/ twiddlers
Sniffers
A man who would pick dry skin off his scalp and drop it on the floor
Off the top of my head

And then

Men who interrupt
Talk over
Seem to be deaf to women
Etc etc

Of course women can talk over etc as well...

But

I have a youngish female colleague who is excellent at her job. She is going to be very successful. She has a habit of smoothing her side fringe every couple mins.

I could not give a toss.

I also could not give a toss about a young male colleague who does the same.

I care about. Expertise. Eloquence. Efficiency. Accuracy. Being both friendly and professional with the clients. Etc etc

Having people obsess on their minor tics will actually distract them from focus as some people do this, especially clever ones, to stay present rather than having their mind whizz off with a load of different ideas/ solutions.

I'm glad I don't work in some of your industries!

ScienceSensibility · 02/02/2021 01:31

It seems to be a very YouTube/Essex/Instagram thing to be constantly fiddling with the long (fake) hair. Stroking the extensions to make sure they are still there?

Who knows! Anyway, it is very irritating and looks ‘off’ in a professional setting. I would also have given you the same feedback and expect you to stop doing it in meetings.
Body language is an unconscious method of communication, and you are giving messages with your physical actions.
I hope you’ve broken the habit? At work at least.

NiceGerbil · 02/02/2021 01:41

That's a very bizzare and dismissive response.

I was a chronic hair twiddler as a child. In the 80s. I'm not from Essex.

It was an unconscious habit/ tic.

Why does it matter? I don't get it.

I work with loads of people with annoying habits. Who cares if they are good at their job, engaged etc?

I'm finding this conversation bizarre tbh.

NiceGerbil · 02/02/2021 01:45

One of the most intelligent people i know, whon the clients love, and who gets shit done. Is a terrible fidgeter. Hair, facial hair. Pacing even.

He's trying to stay grounded in the meet with all the thoughts he's going off on.

Yet again. I'm glad I don't work in some of your industries!

It's so trivial. Woman. Great ideas, articulate, well liked, efficient, problem solving. Etc etc.

Yeah fuck she's playing with her hair!

I mean come on.

ScienceSensibility · 02/02/2021 08:24

@NiceGerbil

That's a very bizzare and dismissive response.

I was a chronic hair twiddler as a child. In the 80s. I'm not from Essex.

It was an unconscious habit/ tic.

Why does it matter? I don't get it.

I work with loads of people with annoying habits. Who cares if they are good at their job, engaged etc?

I'm finding this conversation bizarre tbh.

What you did as a child isn’t relevant to the discussion.

We are talking about the habit in the workplace, where adults go.

SweetPetrichor · 02/02/2021 10:17

He definitely had a point. It doesn't look professional. I can't think of anyone sitting hair twiddling in any meeting I've been in and I would find it distracting and childish. Fiddling is fine, as long as it's pretty inconspicuous! Hair twiddling is not.

Divebar2021 · 02/02/2021 10:34

If you’re in a meeting with more senior managers and clients then the expectation around behaviour would be different than a meeting with just your team or peers. A meeting in a board room is different from a coffee shop - context is everything. Just because a male manager pulls you up on something doesn’t automatically mean you’ve regressed to the 1950s unless he’s complaining about your skirt that’s not showing your arse clearly enough. I get it- it’s embarrassing to be singled out but I’ve also worked with women who continually sweep their hair off their faces or will tie it up in a bun while sitting in a meeting. It’s really off putting.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 02/02/2021 11:10

As for it being fidgety, it’s hardly affecting anyone else!

I’m afraid it can very much affect others. I find sitting near fidgeters when trying to concentrate so distracting and makes things so much more hard work. I also agree with it looking as though you’re distracted, not fully focused on the meeting (even if you are), which would come across as unprofessional. So it’s a two fold issue, and I suspect you also fiddle with your hair more than you’re aware. But it’s embarrassing to have your habits highlighted like that so I can understand how you feel.

Coffeeandcocopops · 02/02/2021 16:55

A friend of mine does this constantly, in the old days when we could go to pubs her hair would go up. Then it would come down. Then she would twist it into a plat. Then tie it onto a bun. It was so irritating.

NiceGerbil · 02/02/2021 19:02

Again, I'm really pleased I don't work in the industry of many on here!

I find it really interesting that no one has responded to

If someone is excellent in every way but fidgets, why would you want them to focus a part of their brain (the reason you hire them) on trying to suppress unconscious tics, rather than having your full attention?

It really is style over substance for many on this thread. Wouldn't wash in my industry. People are valued for their competency, accuracy, knowledge, ability to express their ideas clearly etc etc. Not whether they fiddle with their hair or moustache or whatever.

Bizarre.

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