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Original poster

How to share custody of 6 month old breastfed baby

79 replies

Roxy1988 · 30/01/2021 22:11

Hi I'm going through a breakup and my ex says he wants to have our 6 month old baby every weekend (2 days and 2 nights). Our baby is exclusively breast fed although has just started weaning. I am baby's main carer and she wakes a few times a night to be fed/comforted. My ex doesn't seem bothered about the breastfeeding and keeps threatening to give formula. I don't want to be unreasonable but I feel that she is too young to be away from me for such a long period of time each week. I would also have to give up breastfeeding I guess. Also once we break up there will be 2 hours between us which means baby will be going up and down the motorway each week for a total of 4 hours. And advice would be much appreciated!

OP posts:

MenoMom · 31/01/2021 10:24

A fantastic dad would not chuck his 6 month old out baby out of her home and cause enormous stress to her mother. He's not a good man and you don't need to be kind to him. If he wants out he needs to leave, not kick you out. If you want to leave to go to your family for support that's fine, but don't do it to make his life easier. It's about your daughter and you, not about him, he'll be involved if he wants to be, nothing you can do to make him be involved, so you don't need to bend over backwards to placate him. I think you need to allow yourself to get angry with him.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/01/2021 10:30

It’s possible.
He can feed formula to the baby and you can pump breast milk while so you don’t have to give it up. Another option, is you start pumping now and get a frozen cache going so that he can thaw and feed her breast milk while he has her.

It’s only 2 days a week and a 2hr trip each way isn’t that far. You can drive it during her nap time. She’ll sleep through it. You won’t even be going so far that you’d have to stop midway for a feed and nappy change.

I don’t think she is too young either. I put mine in 50hrs/week childcare at around 11 weeks old, so 48hrs with dad at 6 months is perfectly fine. Too, I’d think you’d want him to start as soon as possible adjusting his life around fathering his child a bit. If he goes a year or two living like a single man with no children, he’s going to become a disappearing dad when she is older and wants a relationship with him and you want a break.

bluebluezoo · 31/01/2021 10:31

Have you seen a solicitor? Do so now, and don’t leave before getting legal advice.

From bitter experience once you leave and are staying with family you are “housed”. If your dh then says he has nowhere to go if the house is sold a court will not make him homeless by ordering a sale, and you may not get your full share, or it may be delayed until circumstances change.

A court has a responsibility to your child and will not force you out.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/01/2021 10:32

*I agree you should not leave your flat or job. Stay put. The mortgage is in your name.

LolaSmiles · 31/01/2021 10:35

The flat is in your name so you don't have to leave.

A good dad wouldn't make his child homeless or expect his baby to go without breastfeeding.

Jeremyironseverything · 31/01/2021 10:35

My breast fed baby would take milk from anyone bottle feeding her if I was there but if I wasn't there, wouldn't eat at all.
Do you leave him with her at the moment? Try it for short periods now and build up.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/01/2021 10:37

A good dad wouldn't.....expect his baby to go without breastfeeding.

So all the parents who formula feed from choice are “bad”? It’s not harmful to not breastfeed or do mixed feeding of breast milk and formula.

Wtfmayte · 31/01/2021 10:41

This is madness.

Time to stand up for yourself and your daughter.

Your name is one the mortgage. It's your house. You make HIM leave!

SittingAround1 · 31/01/2021 10:42

How was the flat bought - as tenants in common ?
Did you sign a declaration of trust for his deposit ?

I agree with others if your name is on the mortgage, it'll also be on the deeds so the flat is as much yours as his. Don't let him kick you out.
Get legal advice for when you sell the flat.

LolaSmiles · 31/01/2021 10:46

So all the parents who formula feed from choice are “bad”? It’s not harmful to not breastfeed or do mixed feeding of breast milk and formula
The OP had said her baby is breastfed.
She has said he is a good dad.

If OP's ex was a good dad, he wouldn't stop his baby from breastfeeding when that's how the child is fed.

(FWIW I combi fed before this gets hijacked into a breastfed vs formula debate that's irrelevant to the OP).

Aalvarino · 31/01/2021 10:49

I cannot say this strongly enough... do not leave the flat. You are setting yourself up for serious financial.and legal problems that way.

Why is he insisting you leave?

partyatthepalace · 31/01/2021 10:52

Bloody hell OP - if the flat is in your name why on Earth are you moving out!?! Stay put - he can move out. If it’s in your name it’s yours - and more importantly he should NOT be forcing his daughter out of this home.

OP I know you are trying to diffuse the situation, but I actually think being clearer and firmer with him will make it easier for everyone. Get some advice tomorrow so you know where you stand before you get into details with him - but right now there are three key things he needs to understand 1) you will never stop him seeing his daughter 2) access has to happen in the way that is best for her - she is too young for overnights, it would be damaging to her 3) your daughters housing is paramount so you and she will be staying in the flat and he will need to move out till it’s sold.

Get advice on Monday. You will need some formality I think, but often it’s done through a mediation service not court. But there is no way anyone will order the baby to stay away overnight or travel up and down motorways, it would be really bad for her.

I am sure you are both upset but he needs to start thinking about his daughter not himself.

Also - watch this guy over money. Make sure that gets sorted out in mediation or court too. Fight for the best income for your child.

smoothchange · 31/01/2021 10:54

He is a good person and a fantastic Dad I just don't think he understands.

Does he have learning difficulties?

Santaiscovidfree · 31/01/2021 10:59

Op please re read your opening post. Nothing at all says he is a great df
..
It really is you versus him.
The sooner you wise up the better.
For you and your baby..

Couchbettato · 31/01/2021 10:59

OP you'll be making a rod for your own back if you agree to leaving and agree to every weekend.

The courts wouldn't see a single mother who owns a house out on the streets unless you set that precedent.

You need legal advice and you need to put your foot down. He needs to leave. If he wants to see your daughter he comes to you and he visits, and he does the travelling.

Do not subject your daughter to a 4 hour round trip every weekend. Do not leave your house that you are legally responsible for paying for. Do not let this man child push you around.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2021 11:01

The flat is not technically his. It is legally yours. Did he put it in your name only because he has another property. No way can you leave this flat. You are responsible for the mortgage. Will he then be a lodger? You need legal advice on what to do next.,

Jobsharenightmare · 31/01/2021 11:03

Going through the courts is best for your baby OP even if it means hassle for you. It's the only way if your ex isn't being reasonable.

AnotherEmma · 31/01/2021 11:03

"we have a mortgage on the flat which is in my name but the deposit was paid by him so that's why he sees it as his flat which technically it is."

What on earth are you on about? There is no "technically" here. Legally if the mortgage and deeds are in your name, it's YOUR flat. He has no legal right to stay there and you can tell him to leave. Was there some kind of legal paperwork drawn up to protect his contribution in the form of a deposit? Why isn't he on the mortgage?

AnotherEmma · 31/01/2021 11:04

I can't believe he wants to make you and baby homeless, and is insisting on overnights for a 6 month old, and you're still trying to describe him as a "good guy"

The bar is SO LOW!

Violetroselily · 31/01/2021 11:10

Is the mortgage solely in your name? Who is on the deeds? Download a copy from Land Registry for £3 if you're not sure

Dailyhandtowelwash · 31/01/2021 11:22

OP, although many posters are saying to go to court, you will in fact need to attend mediation before your case can before a judge. Mediation can also cover financial arrangements if appropriate. IF your ex is genuinely well meaning and just lacks understanding of how legal home ownership works, and what the best interests of his child are, mediation alone will enable you both to work this out. It is NOT a hostile act to suggest mediation, it’s sensible, and no one should hate you for it.

If on the other hand it turns out that he knows what he’s doing, and is not willing to agree a fair approach, then you’ll have done what’s necessary to proceed to court. Mediation is also not suitable if your relationship has been abusive. A good mediator should be able to pick up on that although I suspect many don’t. A mediator should also be able to explain the sort of things a court might require of him that he won’t have considered, including limitations on where either of you lives.

You need legal advice, and please don’t leave your flat until you have it. A family law solicitor will explain all necessary steps re child contact, and also be able to give you the best advice on your property entitlements with all the facts in front of them.

Please don’t just let him tell you what to do, or hold you to ransom by ‘getting upset’. You are also entitled to be upset.

Redwinestillfine · 31/01/2021 11:23

Why are you letting him chuck you out of your home in your name? Legal advice, then court. Nip this in the bud op.

User0ne · 31/01/2021 11:43

Another one saying you need legal advice.

He is not a good dad or a good/nice man.

If a friend's partner made them and their 6m old child homeless by kicking them out you'd think badly of them surely? If not then I'm not sure anything people on the internet say is going to be enough to help you.

I have 2 DC who were ebf. Me and DH tried to get them to feed from a bottle for 3m before I returned to work when they were 10 and 11m. Both were bottle refusers. Both refused milk out of sippy cups, off spoons etc It isn't everyone's experience but it isn't uncommon.

wendz86 · 31/01/2021 11:47

My ex left before my youngest was born. She was breastfed and he would come visit her here until a few months old then he would take her and big sister out for a couple of hours when older. She didn't stay overnight with him till over a year and stopped breastfeeding.

nellly · 31/01/2021 12:29

Omg don't leave the flat you're in real danger he'll just stay there and you'll have to pay the mortgage!!

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