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Original poster

How to share custody of 6 month old breastfed baby

79 replies

Roxy1988 · 30/01/2021 22:11

Hi I'm going through a breakup and my ex says he wants to have our 6 month old baby every weekend (2 days and 2 nights). Our baby is exclusively breast fed although has just started weaning. I am baby's main carer and she wakes a few times a night to be fed/comforted. My ex doesn't seem bothered about the breastfeeding and keeps threatening to give formula. I don't want to be unreasonable but I feel that she is too young to be away from me for such a long period of time each week. I would also have to give up breastfeeding I guess. Also once we break up there will be 2 hours between us which means baby will be going up and down the motorway each week for a total of 4 hours. And advice would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
RichTeaCheddars · 30/01/2021 23:54

Milk is the main source of nutrition before 1. The baby can't be away from you for that long. Every baby is different but mine is 8 months old and still feeds frequently. And multiple times in the night for food/comfort. If she was away from me at night she just wouldn't settle.

Overnights can't happen until the baby is older.

ComDummings · 30/01/2021 23:55

Absolutely get a court order

ComDummings · 30/01/2021 23:56

That way contact will be set out and he won’t be able to threaten you as easily

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bellropes · 30/01/2021 23:58

Men like this are sadly predictable. They like as much contact as possible from an early age so they can increase it in order to avoid paying child support. Leave and let him do the chasing through the courts. With a bit of luck the courts will have a backlog due to the pandemic. On no account share the travelling or allow more than an hours contact supervised.

If he's a control freak type he'll harass you through the courts for the next few years. Show no kindness or do any favours for this type of person. They make lousy fathers as well.

HurricaneBitch · 31/01/2021 00:17

I was unavoidably away from my ebf baby for one night when she was 5 months old, my mother-in-law couldn't get her to take a bottle at all, she ended up having to dribble milk into her mouth from a spoon. Plus my boobs were incredibly sore, I had to pump and dump several times. The whole thing was horrendous and I spent most of the night on the bathroom floor crying. We were both too stressed to even consider it again.

partyatthepalace · 31/01/2021 00:24

I think you do need to get a court order to sort out money and access OP.

AnotherEmma · 31/01/2021 07:13

I assume you're not married and the house is in his name only? If so, you've put yourself in a vulnerable position. If not, he can't kick you out as you have the legal right to stay.

It does make sense for you to live with/near family for support, so if you got to the point where you had to justify the move in a court case for contact, you should be able to argue that it's in baby's best interests for you to move.

Is he abusive at all? (Emotional, mental or financial abuse, not only physical?) From what you've said he sounds like a bully.

Everyone keeps talking about a court order but he might be the kind of man who tries to threaten/bully you but actually doesn't bother taking legal action. The first step would be mediation although you would not be required to do this with him if he was abusive and you had some evidence of reporting it to some kind of official channel (not just police but also GP, women's aid etc).

Original poster
Roxy1988 · 31/01/2021 09:55

We are not married, we have a mortgage on the flat which is in my name but the deposit was paid by him so that's why he sees it as his flat which technically it is. We have been together for 7 years and he has never been abusive in any way shape or form. He just loves his daughter. I don't think he understands the importance of such a young breastfed baby being close to it's mother. I tried to talk to him last night and said I didn't want her apart from me for such a long time each week and he got very upset thinking I was going to stop him seeing her (which I would never do). He suggested just a day a week or a night maybe every other weekend and I feel that is a compromise but I still feel she is too young to be away from me for even a single night. I just don't know what to do. After talking we are going to try and live amicably so we can both be there for our daughter until the flat is sold.

He is a good person and a fantastic Dad I just don't think he understands.

OP posts:
PeterPandemic · 31/01/2021 10:00

If I were you I would get legal advice.
It may be better for you in the long term if you moved now and set up a status quo - I don't know.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 31/01/2021 10:04

He is a good person and a fantastic Dad I just don't think he understands.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He's really not a good person if he can't see that the best thing for your DD is short visits from him.

Have you got the flat in the market yet and is he helping to get it ready for sale?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/01/2021 10:05

The mortgage is in your name. He leaves. Now. Get the police involved if he doesn't shift.

Santaiscovidfree · 31/01/2021 10:05

You can't just walk away from a mortgage... You are legally responsible for that debt...

SpaceRaiders · 31/01/2021 10:08

Clearly he hasn’t thought this one through, has he? He won’t be getting shared care of a 6 month old baby even if he goes to court.

Glenchase · 31/01/2021 10:10

Say no. Tell him he can visit whenever he likes but he can’t take the baby away from you. If he disagrees tell him to go to court. No judge will allow an EBF baby to be taken away from its mum for more than a couple of hours.

picklemewalnuts · 31/01/2021 10:14

Tell this good man he needs to educate himself, then come back to the discussion.

How has your financial situation come about? Mortgage in your name, his deposit, etc?

I'm quite concerned that you are convinced he's a good guy, when his behaviour suggests otherwise. He may have groomed you to believe he's always right. Of course, I could also be totally wrong, but that's why I'm asking for clarification.

NotMyDayJob · 31/01/2021 10:15

Don't leave if the mortgage is in your name. The mortgage is in your name but he's still trying to make your baby DD homeless? I know it's hard but you need to stay put and he needs to go. Involve the police if necessary. Putting your daughter first means protecting her home not moving two hours away and being homeless

Matilda1981 · 31/01/2021 10:16

My advice is whatever happens DO NOT agree to every weekend going forward - this will set a precedent and when the baby starts school you’ll only ever see your child during the week and you’ll never have any weekend time!

MerryDecembermas · 31/01/2021 10:17

I'm concerned you are planning to move out of a flat which has your name on the mortgage. You need legal advice. Stop telling him things or listening to what he says. He is not your friend now, he is the enemy and you must protect yourself from him financially, emotionally mentally and physically.

Please get proper legal advice

CutsOffCorners · 31/01/2021 10:17

If the mortgage is in your name, it's your house! Don't leave. He can bloody leave!

titchy · 31/01/2021 10:18

We are not married, we have a mortgage on the flat which is in my name but the deposit was paid by him so that's why he sees it as his flat which technically it is.

FFS why didn't you put this in your first post?!!! It's your house. As much as his. Don't move. See a solicitor. You could even try an occupation order to get him out.

Oh and he isn't a fantastic dad. He's a shit dad. Fantastic dads don't try and make their kids homeless.

Wise up!

DianaT1969 · 31/01/2021 10:19

Are you working or planning to go back after maternity leave? How will moving 2 hours away affect your job/benefits situation?
Any equity in the house?
I agree that if you start with shared custody, make it midweek days and not weekends. Why should he have the convenient (no childcare cost) days?
It sounds as if you really need to toughen up.
Is there another woman involved?

unmarkedbythat · 31/01/2021 10:20

Re the breastfeeding, no, his ideas around custody and contact aren't realistic.

Re everything else, I don't think he's the good man you have said he is and I think you should get legal advice wrt your home.

NeedToKnow101 · 31/01/2021 10:21

Ugh! He is awful. Even my abusive ex didn't push for overnights with our small breastfeeding baby, who I was the main Carer for.
Get help in getting rid of him, including police. This type of abusive prick thrive on intimidating and isolating vulnerable women.

Triffid1 · 31/01/2021 10:21

The mortgage is in your name and yet you are moving out? WHY? you are still going to be responsible for those mortgage payments. the fact that he paid the deposit is irrelevant, and unless you have some kind of documentation that says its his money that paid it, the bank really isn't going to care (well, they won't care anyway, but I guess a lawyer Might).

He's not sounding like a "nice" man if he wants to kick you and your baby out of your home.

PegasusReturns · 31/01/2021 10:24

Do not leave the flat I cannot stress this enough.

You have a legal obligation to pay the mortgage and he has none.

How much deposit did your ex put in? Is there a way you can raise funds to pay him back?

Are you currently on maternity leave? And still paying the mortgage? If you move to your sisters you are going to give up your home and the immediate opportunity to earn a salary. Do not do this!