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Original poster

'My husband prefers it this way, even though I don't'

56 replies

MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 10:24

Said by a very lovely woman that I work with. Some of us were having a conversation about lack of haircuts because of the hairdressers being closed and some of us are feeling a little bedraggled.

My colleague said that it doesn't matter to her because her husband likes her hair long even though she much prefers it short. She keeps it blonde because he 'doesn't like dark hair'. She wears dresses because he 'doesn't like' her in trousers. She said she supposes she could go 'against his wishes' and he wouldn't really mind but that she wants to keep him happy.

She has been married for 20 years and speaks very fondly of him and their family life so I don't believe that he's some controlling bastard but rather that she's prepared to put his opinion on how she looks above her own.

It made me think that I probably don't have my hair or dress the way that my DH prefers but that I choose to do it anyway. I don't suppose I would wear something that made him totally repulsed by me, but I pretty much wear what the hell I like whether he likes it or not.

To be clear, I think if a person is happy to dress/wear their hair the way a partner likes then go for it, but if someone would actually prefer to dress their own way surely they should?

And no, I know it's none of my business and no it doesn't affect me in any way, it just made me think?

OP posts:
Beamur · 28/01/2021 10:28

My husband prefers me brunette but I have my hair highlighted as that's how I prefer it.
I see what you mean though, I couldn't do something I was uncomfortable with just to please my partner but maybe if it was something he had strong feelings about but I didn't..

BobbinThreadbare123 · 28/01/2021 10:29

My XH used to pull this shit on me. Note the ex part. I can't imagine going through life having to dye my hair every few weeks because someone else didn't like the colour of my natural hair. Who could be arsed? I've got a lot of tattoos. DH doesn't really like them and he doesn't like piercings. I do precisely nothing about this because they were already part of me when he met me, and he respects my right to look as I wish.
I didn't mean for that to be ranty, as such. It just wicks me off; in this day and age everyone should be able to wear what they like, pretty much.

Original poster
MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 10:43

DH definitely prefers my hair blonde but I prefer it darker, so have it darker. I understand wanting a partner to be attracted to you but would hair colour really put someone who is supposed to love you, off you?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 28/01/2021 10:54

It's not just clothing, hairstyles etc.

Many threads about food will have comments from women who would happily have egg on toast, soup, vegetarian meals, fish and salad etc as their main meal but they don't because their male partner would not be happy with food like that as he 'expects' a large, meat heavy meal, that these women inexplicably feel obliged to provide.

There seems to be a lot of women cooking food that's not to their preference to please the men in their lives when the favour is rarely returned.

squashyhat · 28/01/2021 11:04

Well men don't do it do they? I can't think of a single time my husband has dressed to please me or vv. We compliment each other when we've made an effort but that's it apart from pointing out random food items which have found their way onto faces or clothes (a not uncommon occurrence).

Original poster
MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 11:05

@BarbaraofSeville

It's not just clothing, hairstyles etc.

Many threads about food will have comments from women who would happily have egg on toast, soup, vegetarian meals, fish and salad etc as their main meal but they don't because their male partner would not be happy with food like that as he 'expects' a large, meat heavy meal, that these women inexplicably feel obliged to provide.

There seems to be a lot of women cooking food that's not to their preference to please the men in their lives when the favour is rarely returned.

Yes, that's very true.
OP posts:
KittyWithStripes · 28/01/2021 11:10

BarbaraofSeville makes a really good point. I wouldn't serve those 'girl' meals to DH very often, even though I'd like to eat them more often myself.

Made worse by a year of lockdown when we're together every single bloody day Hmm

But I think most of us find a balance with hair/clothes etc that please partners and please ourselves, don't we? It's not a Me vs DH situation. I wear what I want, but sometimes I'll wear a dress as I know it will make him happy... but this is only if I don't mind much either way. Like most women I'd never go for something I actually hate.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 28/01/2021 11:14

In this house DH stays clean shaven and eats veggie dinners because that’s my preference. We live in a house I chose, with furniture and decor I picked. He has one room that’s just his where he keeps all his music and Lego models but the rest of the house is how I like it.

He likes me to approve/veto his outfits (back when we used to leave the house) and I always have the final say on big things like cars, holidays etc.

I do also do some things that are just for him, I make his lunch and sit through American Football matches.

Tbh I think having one driver and one passenger usually works, so long as it’s agreed and not abusive. My parents are the same.

sofiaaaaaa · 28/01/2021 11:16

I mean - I don’t find this surprising. It’s just a perpetuation of how society use to place gender roles. It is sad though.

SmellyPooHead · 28/01/2021 11:34

I choose my clothes but if my husband compliments me on it I am probably more likely to wear it for a special meal or something and he is the same
I wear my hair the way I want it, if he didn't like it I doubt he'd comment

Deathraystare · 28/01/2021 11:39

Actually some women dictate what their menfolk should wear/eat/speak to as well!

I remember a colleague who loved her soon to be husband's 'bad boy' look, then when they married he was no longer allowed to wear earrings!

Mylittlepony374 · 28/01/2021 11:40

My husband likes long hair. Around April/May 2020, in a fit of lockdown boredom, I chopped my long hair up to close to my ears. All he said was 'do you like it like that?'". I didn't because it looked fucking awful. But I just can't comprehend not feeling able to do that because my husband won't like it.

BarbaraofSeville · 28/01/2021 11:41

I know a long haired man who's wife made him have his hair cut short when they got married. She had to admit that she hated it and he was then allowed to grow it long again.

Biscoffaddict · 28/01/2021 11:45

A girl I was in school with once uploaded an old photo of herself with blonde hair and said how she missed it being that colour. Someone asked why don’t you die it again and she replied that she can’t because her husband likes her dark. Fuck that for a game of cards! I’m always dying my hair different colours. Any man who doesn’t like it can fuck off!

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2021 11:47

I can see both sides, I think it’s right to dress and wear your hair as you please. However on the flip side if my husband grew his hair long, grew a handlebar moustache and started wearing jogging bottoms all the time I’d likely tell him he looked like shit and to get himself sorted. 🤷‍♀️

cheeseismydownfall · 28/01/2021 11:48

I think a lot depends on where these preferences are coming from.

I wear my hair short because I think it suits me, and my DH agrees. But if DH honestly thought that as an individual I looked better with long hair, then I'd certainly at least consider growing it. I don't feel particularly strongly about it, and he is my much loved husband. On the other hand, if he expressed a blanket preference for long hair on women and short hair isn't feminine, or some such shit, I would tell him to fuck off.

In a healthy relationship don't think it is helpful to be so black and white about this stuff. I don't think wilfully ignoring a partner's preferences is any healthier than blindly bending over backwards to please them.

notalwaysalondoner · 28/01/2021 11:56

It goes the other way too - I strongly prefer my DH in certain clothes, without a beard etc. I wouldn't leave him or be mean to him if he didn't oblige, but he doesn't care that much and so mostly follows my preferences. I think in a happy relationship most people trade off their own preferences with their partner's the whole time and find a happy medium - if you care not at all about their opinion, why are you with them (provided it's expressed in a respectful way and doesn't result in any punishing actions if not followed)?

HollowTalk · 28/01/2021 11:56

I think having one driver and one passenger usually works, so long as it’s agreed and not abusive.

That is really odd. I can't imagine wanting to be the driver or the passenger. Why not just be equal?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 28/01/2021 12:31

It’s just personality. Dh is quite passive and I’m assertive, and he likes not having to deal with decision making. This is a man who has been known to dither for hours about whether to have a bath or a shower (I’m not even kidding, we have this discussion most Sundays...).

It suits us both. We’ve been together for fifteen years and have never really argued about anything.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 28/01/2021 12:45

Mmh I dislike beards, DH sometimes says he would like to grow one - but he never does because of me.
Similarly, he dislikes certain items of clothing (denim skirts for ex) and therefore I don't buy these.

I guess as long as one doesn't feel strongly about the thing the other ones dislikes it is fine. If DH was trying to prevent me from eating a food I liked I would laugh and ignore him - and he would do the same!

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 28/01/2021 12:46

I think it's fine as long as it's not too extreme AND goes both ways!

A friend once told me her husband doesn't like handbags with long straps, so she doesn't have one, even though she'd prefer it - that seems extreme to me!
DH likes my hair shorter, but I like it longer. Every so often when I have a drastic cut I think "oh he'll like this" but I don't change my behaviour for him!

PattyPan · 28/01/2021 12:50

My DP prefers it when I don’t wear makeup so I don’t but that’s less effort so it’s fine by me! I also pester him to shave so it goes both ways for us. I am vegan and DP is not but he is happy to eat whatever I cook for him despite the lack of meat. I think it’s fine as long as there’s no coercive element.

amusedbush · 28/01/2021 13:00

DH prefers my hair long but I don’t keep it that way to please him. In fact, just before we went back into lockdown I cut it up to my shoulders because having it long was annoying me.

I know he also prefers bright lipstick over heavy eye make up but I love my winged eyeliner and feel ridiculous in lipstick so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

On the flip side I can’t stand shaved heads on men. DH once shaved his hair off and I said nothing but thankfully he didn’t like it either Grin

PickAChew · 28/01/2021 13:10

One act of rebellion against my ex was cutting my hair short. It featured in some fairly revolting sexual fantasies of his so losing it was quite liberating.

Cherryberrypies · 28/01/2021 13:19

My DP loves short hair but mine is very long. Every so often I cut it shoulder length and he always comments how much he loves it but he also loves it when I have my long hair tied back so anything pleases him really ha

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