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Original poster

'My husband prefers it this way, even though I don't'

56 replies

MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 10:24

Said by a very lovely woman that I work with. Some of us were having a conversation about lack of haircuts because of the hairdressers being closed and some of us are feeling a little bedraggled.

My colleague said that it doesn't matter to her because her husband likes her hair long even though she much prefers it short. She keeps it blonde because he 'doesn't like dark hair'. She wears dresses because he 'doesn't like' her in trousers. She said she supposes she could go 'against his wishes' and he wouldn't really mind but that she wants to keep him happy.

She has been married for 20 years and speaks very fondly of him and their family life so I don't believe that he's some controlling bastard but rather that she's prepared to put his opinion on how she looks above her own.

It made me think that I probably don't have my hair or dress the way that my DH prefers but that I choose to do it anyway. I don't suppose I would wear something that made him totally repulsed by me, but I pretty much wear what the hell I like whether he likes it or not.

To be clear, I think if a person is happy to dress/wear their hair the way a partner likes then go for it, but if someone would actually prefer to dress their own way surely they should?

And no, I know it's none of my business and no it doesn't affect me in any way, it just made me think?

OP posts:
WhatKatyDidNxt · 28/01/2021 13:27

Yep it’s bollocks and l won’t tolerate it. It’s not all about him Confused. For example my fiancé really hates legging, l like them for relaxing in and exercising so tough.

I hate facial hair and wish my fiancé would be clean shaven. He has a full on beard and hates shaving but l don’t go on about it to him. I mentioned it to him once as he asked and l don’t go on about it

@JustAnotherUserinParadise but a handbag doesn’t directly impact on him. Surely she’s the one carrying it?!

Fizbosshoes · 28/01/2021 13:30

I bought a pair of really hot pink jeans, I thought they were really nice but as soon as I showed DH I could tell he didnt like them. I still liked them so didnt want to return them, but admit I dont wear them that often knowing he doesn't really like them, but I most if my clothes I font give DH a second thought.
In the old days when we used to go out DH occassionally asked my opinion on what shirt/jacket to wear.

Triffid1 · 28/01/2021 13:43

I think it's a fine line between controlling and a mutually agreed (albeit not discussed) system whereby one person's preferences are taken into account. It also depends if it goes both ways - eg does your colleague hate having to remove spiders and other creepy crawlies, taking out the bins or men wearing shorts and does he then accommodate this? Also, if she DID want to wear trousers - eg because she was going walking wit a friend - would she feel self conscious about it or would she wear them but perhaps choose to change quicker than you or I might on return home?

It's in the attitude and how it makes the person feel. If they feel constricted and under uncomfortable pressure then clearly it's bad. If it's part of a mutual give and take, then I think it's probably okay.

Kilcaple · 28/01/2021 13:49

Every time she says it, look baffled and ask her why she goes along with this shit. Or ask her what changes to his hair colour, style, clothing etc her husband has made for the last twenty years to accommodate her preferences, or if it's all one way.

I wouldn't serve those 'girl' meals to DH very often, even though I'd like to eat them more often myself.

That's hilarious. 'Girl meals'? Hmm In this house we're both vegetarian, plus DH does virtually all the cooking.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 28/01/2021 13:52

@WhatKatyDidNxt I know! I thought that was ridiculous tbh... both her for going along with it and him for actually having an opinion on women's handbag straps!

Original poster
MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 13:56

@Deathraystare

Actually some women dictate what their menfolk should wear/eat/speak to as well!

I remember a colleague who loved her soon to be husband's 'bad boy' look, then when they married he was no longer allowed to wear earrings!

To be clear, I think if a person is happy to dress/wear their hair the way a partner likes then go for it, but if someone would actually prefer to dress their own way surely they should?

@Deathraystare please notice I did day 'person' not women as I've come across exactly what you describe too, I only used the woman in my OP as an example as it was recent and got me thinking.

OP posts:
Kljnmw3459 · 28/01/2021 13:57

Well I don't know, I think there's a balance. My dh went through a phase of insisting on wearing bell bottom suit trousers....in 2015... I did tell him that I wouldn't go out in public with him if he wore them. He still wore them but not when we went out together.

Equally he has vetoed some of my fashion choices. But if it was a constant thing and never feeling like we could wear what we actually wanted then that wouldn't be acceptable imo.

Lucieintheskye · 28/01/2021 14:02

Dh likes my hair, makeup, clothes etc in a certain way and that's how I wear them. The same as I like him wearing certain clothes or styling his hair a certain way so he wears them how I like it. He sees me more than I see him so if he likes my hair dark and up then I'll happily wear it dark and up. He's kept his beard long the whole time I've known him because he knows I like it and he likes it because I like it. It's not always toxic. Sometimes people are just happy to please their partners even if it doesn't please them.

Original poster
MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 14:04

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets

In this house DH stays clean shaven and eats veggie dinners because that’s my preference. We live in a house I chose, with furniture and decor I picked. He has one room that’s just his where he keeps all his music and Lego models but the rest of the house is how I like it.

He likes me to approve/veto his outfits (back when we used to leave the house) and I always have the final say on big things like cars, holidays etc.

I do also do some things that are just for him, I make his lunch and sit through American Football matches.

Tbh I think having one driver and one passenger usually works, so long as it’s agreed and not abusive. My parents are the same.

With respect, I heartily disagree with this. I can't imagine wanting to 'approve' a grown man's clothes. He might ask me if something looks ok if he's not sure but he's asking for my opinion (which he doesn't always take on board, he doesn't have to) not to tell what he needs to wear.

I want to be with someone who I can discuss things like holidays/cars/home etc with on an even keel. If he decided he could suddenly have the 'final say' on things like that, that would be the end for us.

But if it works for you and your DH then that's great (and I mean that), it just wouldn't be for me. I don't want a passenger and I don't want to be one either.

OP posts:
Original poster
MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 14:06

It's not always toxic. Sometimes people are just happy to please their partners even if it doesn't please them.

I'm not saying it's toxic @Lucieintheskye, I suppose I just wouldn't feel like DH loved me for the way that I am if he wanted me to change me.

OP posts:
LadyTruck · 28/01/2021 14:28

My DH prefers a certain hair colour, lipstick & style of clothing on me. But that's where it ends. My hair is currently a different colour to his favourite on me. He doesn't comment aside from do you like it. Plus I've been living in loungewear since WFH & have worn makeup maybe twice in lockdown Grin

yearinyearout · 28/01/2021 14:31

Well I prefer my DH with a beard, and he has a beard because he knows I prefer it. Guess that's the same thing. Sounds a bit concerning that she's doing so many things that are his preference though.

Apple31419 · 28/01/2021 14:36

If she doesn't mind changing stuff, then that's up to her. It's only abusive if she feels personal about it. I have done my hair certain ways for exes, but I don't mind that. But I genuinely don't mind doing a lot of things that others don't like🤷‍♀️
What I don't like - and actually feels very personal and offensive to me is recieving presents, I hate it!. I wish people would respect those boundaries and not the ones that mean nothing to me
(And I mean people close to me that know the boundaries I don't expect everyone to guess)

Original poster
MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 14:41

What I don't like - and actually feels very personal and offensive to me is recieving presents, I hate it!. I wish people would respect those boundaries and not the ones that mean nothing to me
(And I mean people close to me that know the boundaries I don't expect everyone to guess)

Sorry @Apple31419 I don't understand the context of this - sorry if I'm being dim!

OP posts:
Kilcaple · 28/01/2021 14:54

If she doesn't mind changing stuff, then that's up to her.

Yet she told a colleague in the office in the course of a single conversation that she prefers her her hair short, but keeps it long because her husband likes her hair long. She prefers her hair dark (possibly its natural colour?) but keeps it blonde because her husband 'doesn't like dark hair' (!). She also dresses entirely in dresses because her husband 'doesn't like her' in trousers.

Her appearance is completely different to her own preferences and considerably more high-maintenance because she prioritises his opinion of her appearance above her own, and because to do otherwise would be 'go against his wishes'.

Apple31419 · 28/01/2021 15:08

Apologies as I'm not very articulate!
What I mean is I don't care about some things (hair and clothes), but do care about other things (present etiquette).
I can change my hair or tweak my clothes for a partner, but I'd be offended and feel intruded about the present thing. It's a bad example because it clashes with Brit culture and probably harder to understand.

Apple31419 · 28/01/2021 15:11

I still prefer certain hairstyles, but it's not "me" enough or important to me to really want to keep it a certain way
Hobbies on the other hand - don't touch my hobbies!

Kilcaple · 28/01/2021 15:22

What do you mean by the present thing, @Apple31419? You don't like being given presents? You need presents to be offered or accepted in a certain way?

And I don't think hobbies are at all similar to the situation the OP describes. Assuming they aren't dangerous, freakishly expensive or take up some colossal amount of time, surely no partner is going to say 'I don't like you knitting' or 'You'd look much better fencing than you do hillwalking'...?

Original poster
MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 15:57

'You'd look much better fencing than you do hillwalking'...?

GrinGrin

OP posts:
Ghostlyglow · 28/01/2021 16:08

DP has quite strong opinions on how he likes me to look and makes a bit of a fuss if he doesn't like something. The main problem from my point is what he likes is how I dressed when we first met when I was 24 - I'm 55 now. I do my best.

Apple31419 · 28/01/2021 16:19

I've had complaints about spending too much time or money in a hobby that sort of thing.
Or concerns about getting badly injured, and coming home too tired! I won't compromise on that, but will on other things

Bagelsandbrie · 28/01/2021 16:25

I think it’s a curious one because when most people are at the dating stage most people want to be attractive to their partner. So if they know the person likes short skirts / heels / hair down / hair up etc people go along with that. But it’s somehow frowned upon in a marriage. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing things to your appearance to make your partner find you attractive- but it’s a different story if doing so makes you miserable in the process.

Original poster
MacDuffsMuff · 28/01/2021 16:43

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing things to your appearance to make your partner find you attractive

Oh I don't either @Bagelsandbrie but if I feel more attractive or happy with a look and my DH prefers something else - my feelings on that trump his. I

OP posts:
PillowSandwich · 29/01/2021 09:58

@Ghostlyglow

DP has quite strong opinions on how he likes me to look and makes a bit of a fuss if he doesn't like something. The main problem from my point is what he likes is how I dressed when we first met when I was 24 - I'm 55 now. I do my best.
That's pretty outrageous, if he is essentially requiring you to present your self looking 24 when you're 55! Hmm
Howshouldibehave · 29/01/2021 10:01

This post interested me as I’ve been married for 20 years as well (now 44) so got me thinking. I don’t actually know how DH prefers me to look! He often says I look nice, but not because of x. My hair is long because I like it long. I dye it because it’s a bit grey-he’s never commented on either really.

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