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Original poster

Hospice visitors WWYD?

63 replies

Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 10:21

DH going to the hospice for palliative care. Death not imminent but doctors struggling to get pain managed.

Hospice rules are two visitors, but they need to be the same two every time. DH has me and two teenage sons.

How is it possible to make the choice on who the visitors should be? WWYD?

I've tried making a case but so far, they're not budging. In hospital he couldn't have any visits at all, so this is some sort of improvement.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 26/01/2021 10:25
Flowers

How long is he likely to be in the hospice?

If only for a short while, then either just you or the 2DC. Based on who is most able to cope with waiting a bit longer. I would not have one DC but not the other visiting.

PotteringAlong · 26/01/2021 10:25

Just you

londongirl12 · 26/01/2021 10:27

Oh how awful. I'm so sorry OP. Have you sat down with your sons and discussed it? Personally I would do maybe you, I can't imagine your sons would be happy if only one of them could see him.

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londongirl12 · 26/01/2021 10:28

I actually think this is disgusting. How on earth is the hospice thinking this is the best thing to do for their patients?? All because of Covid

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 26/01/2021 10:29

Just you.
And take iPad or similar for short FaceTime while you are there.

PeigiSu · 26/01/2021 10:31

Do you know how long he’s likely to be in at all? I know in our local paediatric department they are allowing for some changeover between visitors for the longer admissions.

Hospices often have gardens as well, sometimes that beds can go into, would they have any flexibility to allow that for the third person? I know it’s January...

Do they have a family supportive care team or person? Might be worth a chat with them. Often can do more flexibility for young people.

Has anyone in the family expressed any opinion so far? Thinking if one of them has a shared interest e.g. a game that could be done virtually that might be an option?

Really sorry you are going through this.

itbemay1 · 26/01/2021 10:36

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What a difficult decision to make. I'd be inclined to let both the DC visit and you can FaceTime or call?

ConspiracyOfOne · 26/01/2021 10:41

This is outrageous. How similar do your sons look? I highly doubt anyone would realise if they swapped in a visit a day or two apart.

ConspiracyOfOne · 26/01/2021 10:41

Also contact your Mp

AuntieStella · 26/01/2021 10:50

How on earth is the hospice thinking this is the best thing to do for their patients?? All because of Covid

Experience Sad and the need to protect the whole community.

Ideally from the covid-control pov, it would be no visitors or just one (especially with patients they expect to discharge after a while). But it has become two because they know that a visitor may need another person as support. But it can't keep expanding numbers indefinitely

(Different procedures for terminal residents close to death)

Family member had to do without seeing DC for several weeks because of risky treatment (pre-covid). Those sorts of rules are never put in place lightly or without understanding of impact. But it's done because it's important

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 10:57

I don't know, it might have made sense initially, but now? Staff are all vaccinated (I know someone who volunteers there and even she has been vaccinated) and given the choice between a risk of Covid and dying without seeing his sons, I know what DH would choose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 10:58

(Different procedures for terminal residents close to death)

Not here still only 2 consistent visitors.

I haven't even considered his mother and father Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 11:11

He was admitted to hospital as an emergency just over two weeks ago and we've learned that his condition is terminal in that time. No one has seen him since and as he is transferring directly to the hospice, there's no opportunity to even wave him off.

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/01/2021 11:17

I would ask if it could be 2 from same household, so dc can alternate. Otherwise just you, How long is he likely to be there? Ds didn't see dh for over a month when only allowed one consistent visitor (me). Unlikely his parents or even one of them would be allowed in addition to you.

blue25 · 26/01/2021 11:19

Just You

7yo7yo · 26/01/2021 11:19

What a horrid choice to make.
Maybe you and depending on the relationship, one of his parents and FaceTime the others?

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 11:22

I think it would be OK to be just me if he was going in from home, I can't imagine boys will want to visit daily, but he was whisked off in an ambulance 2 weeks ago with no one, for a minute, thinking it was this serious and they haven't see him since. They need to see him at least once, surely?

OP posts:
DaisyDreaming · 26/01/2021 11:23

I know it’s easy for me to say but I would try not to stress about it yet. Wait until he is there and see if they come up with a plan. Sometimes it doesn’t take them very long to do symptom management and get things set up for going home

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 11:25

Parents are estranged, so I'm not really giving them a thought but I know I will get a lot of stick for that once he's gone. They don't yet know that he's ill, which is how he wants it.

It absolutely desperately sad. In usual times he'd have a wide circle of friends who would pop in for a bit of banter too, to make his last weeks have some quality about them.

I just want the boys to have one last hug Sad

OP posts:
LemonySippet · 26/01/2021 11:31

Is his care very complex OP? In this terribly difficult circumstance, I wonder whether being at home would be at all possible? Sorry if that's a stupid idea, not knowing any of the ins and outs of it, but just wondered if there was opportunity for a nurse at home or anything. Flowers

Santaiscovidfree · 26/01/2021 11:36

Send 1 dc in wearing a hoody and a hat.
Next visit same hoody and hat on the other dc?
Rock and a hard place op...

steppemum · 26/01/2021 11:37

One step at a time.

You say that while he is terminal, death isn't imminent.

Is there a possibility that he might come home for a few days?

I would be working towards that, even 2-3 days at home would allow everyone to visit.

AnnaMagnani · 26/01/2021 11:43

Rules are likely set by Public Health England - some hospices have closed to admissions completely due to Covid outbreaks which is essentially far more unfair as then no-one is getting any care at all.

If he absolutely cannot be managed at home his care must be very complex - how you decide is going to be personal to you and your family but I think the idea of you only plus iPad for facetime is good.

It's very hard times in palliative care because of visiting rules, I work exclusively in the community and am managing some very difficult situations as no-one wants to be admitted anywhere because of visiting. I hope you find the right decision for you and your family.

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 11:44

@LemonySippet

Is his care very complex OP? In this terribly difficult circumstance, I wonder whether being at home would be at all possible? Sorry if that's a stupid idea, not knowing any of the ins and outs of it, but just wondered if there was opportunity for a nurse at home or anything. Flowers
That's certainly the aim but atm he can't move, literally flat on his back, and they can't get his pain under control. If/when they do he will come home.
OP posts:
Original poster
Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 11:45

Sons are quite similar but one is 6'4" and the other 5'10"!

OP posts: