Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Hospice visitors WWYD?

63 replies

Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 10:21

DH going to the hospice for palliative care. Death not imminent but doctors struggling to get pain managed.

Hospice rules are two visitors, but they need to be the same two every time. DH has me and two teenage sons.

How is it possible to make the choice on who the visitors should be? WWYD?

I've tried making a case but so far, they're not budging. In hospital he couldn't have any visits at all, so this is some sort of improvement.

OP posts:
Bloodybridget · 26/01/2021 11:49

I really don't think people should be suggesting that OP tries to get both her DSs in by subterfuge, she must respect the rules the hospice has set up. But OP i do understand the dilemma, and hope both the boys get to see their dad. Wishing you all strength and comfort.

HibernatingTill2030 · 26/01/2021 12:19

What a horrible situation. No advice, just sympathy and thoughts to you all.

MegaClutterSlut · 26/01/2021 12:42

What a horrendous choice that has to be made. I personally couldn't choose in this situation, I'd have to go by myself. The situations sad/bad enough as it is Sad

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes General health
Shallow07 · 26/01/2021 13:14

No advice but so sorry for your situation OP Flowers hope he can come home soon so you and your DS's can spend lots time with him

DazedandConfused27 · 26/01/2021 13:17

Op I am in the same situation at the minute with my ddad. We were initially told the same thing. But the hospice gave me a lateral covid test and once that came back negative I was allowed in too. In your circumstance please ask the question, obviously it will be at the discretion of the hospice but they can be accommodating.

Updatemate · 26/01/2021 14:12

@Santaiscovidfree

Send 1 dc in wearing a hoody and a hat. Next visit same hoody and hat on the other dc? Rock and a hard place op...
I was actually going to suggest something like that. How similar in age and size are the boys?
Mwnci123 · 26/01/2021 14:22

I hope they get his pain under control and you can get him home soon op 💐

NerrSnerr · 26/01/2021 14:27

Please don't try and send them both in disguised as each other, that's really irresponsible. Staff also will try to get to know patients and their families, it's insulting that PP think they wouldn't notice.

It's really shit but they need to try and reduce the risk of a Covid outbreak. Staff will have only had one Covid jab and many patients will be too unwell to have them (or immunocompromised by chemo etc). A Covid outbreak in a hospice is devastating for all involved.

AnnaMagnani · 26/01/2021 15:10

If you think the staff of a small unit won't recognise 2 teenage boys within a day you are very foolish, and also unfair on all the other families there that have made similarly heartbreaking decisions.

Also a Covid outbreak in a hospice, full of frail, immunocompromised patients is a disaster. And a hospice has a small staff bank, of highly specialised nurses - if they are off sick or isolating it is a struggle to even keep it open.

lunar1 · 26/01/2021 15:16

How old are the boys? If it was me or DH we would want to see our children if they were older teens, to give them a goodbye. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this is for you, I'm so sorry.

BlueTimes · 26/01/2021 15:17

I’m so sorry. Flowers

I agree that it should be just you visiting. Just because the staff are vaccinated doesn’t mean extra visitors wouldn’t increase the risk to patients and potentially mean they die sooner than needed. It’s cruel enough to be dying, let alone for that to be sped up and their family miss out saying goodbye because it’s unexpected.

Hospices do make exceptions and it’s for those patients who are in their very final days.

AlternativePerspective · 26/01/2021 15:25

People really need to stop suggesting that the OP disguise the kids so they can both go in. The rules are there for a reason, and if she is found out which is a real possibility, then there’s a risk they could ban all of them from visiting.

Aside from which it really isn’t fair on the other patients or families who are having to do the same.

OP, hospices are actually usually very good at pain management, and if his death isn’t imminent then it’s possible that he will make it home before the worst happens.

For now I would just go in by myself and FaceTime the boys from there...

compulsiveliar2019 · 26/01/2021 15:33

Bollocks are the rules there for a reason. Hospices should be using their discretion at times like this. It's not like the op wants to bring large numbers of extended family. It's 3 people all from the same household.

Op if I were you I would take it to the hospice management. I would also offer to get the boys tested prior to visiting. If they don't relax it I would be making a formal complaint. Then get MP involved and if necessary the press.

Cheersdickie · 26/01/2021 15:46

The hospice I know from last year had a really good discretionary policy. It was 2 visitors for patients who were in as a blanket rule, but a chat with the matron about particular family dynamics meant they found a way to make it work for everyone - and i mean everyone! And the hospice did an amazing job at being covid-free so it is absolutely doable. I would recommend speaking to the matron/sister of the hospice, explaining the situation and seeing what leeway could be made just so both your sons could visit your husband once and you as the solo visitor from then on.

Mindgone · 26/01/2021 15:47

@Santaiscovidfree

Send 1 dc in wearing a hoody and a hat. Next visit same hoody and hat on the other dc? Rock and a hard place op...
I would definitely do this! I’m so sorry for you and the impossibly difficult time you’re going through 💐
AdditionalCharacter · 26/01/2021 15:51

So sorry you're going through this. Flowers

I'd say go by yourself, it's impossible to chose which son gets to visit.

Could it be an option for one/both your sons to visit him through his bedroom window?

TheCanyon · 26/01/2021 15:51

I'd personally let the boys go.

LittleRa · 26/01/2021 15:57

I was also going to say you go with one boy one day and then with another boy on another day, perhaps a few days later, wearing the same baseball cap each time, presumably they’re also wearing face masks. Just brazen it out and walk on through reception. You only have to get them each in once, after that you can go by yourself.
So sorry you’re going through this Flowers

binkyblinky · 26/01/2021 16:12

I would say, the sons, and you could perhaps use FaceTime? As you can't really choose between the two of them.

Are they his children, or yours as a couple? Either way, if it was me, I'd choose the children. But such a difficult decision- so sorry OP. Hopefully things can change soon x

ForTheLoveOfWine · 26/01/2021 16:22

I really feel for you.
I don’t know if this would work but if you have one dc who could visit more could he video call the other dc? So they are both involved?
What an awful situation to be in x

AnnaMagnani · 26/01/2021 16:23

On a practical note - this isn't an end of life admission, it's a symptom control admission. He isn't going to be in the hospice forever, he will be coming home.

There will be a lot of practical conversations to be had about care at home, what the house looks like, equipment etc. For those saying the boys, not the OP - the OP going is an absolute must as she is best placed to have all these conversations between her husband and the hospice staff about what he wants, what can happen in the home, what she is prepared to do as a carer and so on.

selectivemutism · 26/01/2021 16:27

@Santaiscovidfree

Send 1 dc in wearing a hoody and a hat. Next visit same hoody and hat on the other dc? Rock and a hard place op...
This.

You’re from the same household and like you said one last hug

Beaniecats · 26/01/2021 16:29

@londongirl12

I actually think this is disgusting. How on earth is the hospice thinking this is the best thing to do for their patients?? All because of Covid
Yes its obscene and inhumane
HibernatingTill2030 · 26/01/2021 16:33

I doubt the hospice even wants to enforce this rule. But the alternative is no visitors at all. while in this particular case, if it was up to me I would make an exception, what about the next family, and the next? Most service users would have several people who want to visit them. It's just not feasible, so they have to draw a line somewhere. Imagine if the staff had an outbreak- who would look after the service users then?

AnnaMagnani · 26/01/2021 16:34

It's not a last hug. As the OP has made very clear, this is an admission for pain control prior to her husband coming home and death is not imminent.

The myth that hospices are only for end of life seems to be alive and well on this thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread