Did being a SAHM turn out well for you?

[MrsCremuel]

Another one of these threads I know.

Are there any people out there who love(d) it/got back into work/didn't get shafted during a divorce etc etc?

I know the risks and do not underestimate them, but would like to hear the positives too.

[quote Daisypaisy2]@Waxonwaxoff0 it’s interesting I think babies bring a huge amount of pressure generally.

@Heysiripissoff the bloody cheek of your EX husband!

It’s interesting that another poster mentioned that her needs are at the bottom of the pile.. that to me is unacceptable though and it’s not what motherhood is about. Even as a mother we had a life before that and it’s so easy to get caught up in mum life. I think that’s unhealthy from the start when your own needs come last.[/quote]
I agree. Mothers are people with hopes and desires and lived a whole life before marriage and kids. I am quite selfish by nature and live by the mantra "put your own oxygen mask on first". I would be useless to anyone otherwise.

I was a SAHM 30 years ago. I liked my job, but when my baby arrived, I found I loved being home with her more. It was a decision that put us pretty much on the breadline, but I was a teacher and knew I could get a day or two's work whenever I needed it in those days. Most people weren't so fortunate.
When I wanted to go back to work, I found some part-time stuff easily (my supply days here and there stood me in good stead as I'd made contacts and proved myself in various schools).

My part-time work turned into full-time very easily, and as I'd never wanted to be a head or deputy anyway, I got back to where I wanted to be without any prejudice.

I think I was very fortunate.

@orchidsonabudget

I think it's also interesting that often women are in "crap jobs with no prospects" Fewer men in this position

It's the way I was brought up though.

My dad didn't understand why I wanted to go to college. He didn't get why I didn't want a little job in a supermarket until I got married and gave it up to have kids.

So I had no encouragement and that's what I ended up doing. Although he constantly went on and on about my cousin the same age and her wonderful exams, uni etc. So it's upsetting that he never had that in his head for me.

Worked well for me. My wages would have been wiped out by childcare costs before ds was in school. I went back to work in the August before he started yr1.

I settled into work quickly, still see ds (I'm full time but long days so only 3/4 days a week) and have a social life pre covid. Dp picked up a bit more of the wifework but I still do more of it than him, but he also does ten more hours a week than me so it feels pretty fair. My career has undeniably taken a bit of a hit in terms of progression but is my no means over. I'm still quite junior but I'm also only 30 so plenty of time to climb the ladder.

All in all I'm glad I spent Ds's early years at home. I was young when I had him (22) don't regret any of it

@orchidsonabudget

I think it's also interesting that often women are in "crap jobs with no prospects" Fewer men in this position

It’s a man worlds.

I think this is a whole new discussion. It depends on your family and friends support network because if you don’t have a strong one it’s very hard juggling getting to work. Never mind trying to further your job prospects or study.

Maybe it's an age thing? As in, I wasn't a SAHM until later in life.

I married when I was 23, but didn't have my first child until 30. Then went part time for 6 years, then had second, went back for a few months, but then decided to give up for good. So I had 20 years of work already, and did not miss it AT ALL.

I haven't been in paid work since, but honestly I love my life. DH earns a good salary and travels a lot, so to begin with, not being in work was a godsend, as he wasn't at home Monday to Friday, and I had to be on-call 24/7. He has always been supportive, and values my role. It may be old fashioned, but it works for us.

I was SAHM years ago, stayed at home until children went to secondary school. When the children were babies, I found it hard as I felt alone and didn't have a car at the time, so everything was walks etc., no getting in he car and driving off to see friends. However, I thought it best for the children, one had extra needs and it worked for them.

Enjoyed it as the children got older, managed to learn to drive and got my own car etc., made thins a lot easier. Would still do the same all over again.

By the time the children were in secondary school, I needed something else and felt I'd lost out on employment....the world of work had moved on a great deal (I am talking of some time ago so everything had gone digital while I'd been at home). Took several courses then a short-term contract job for 6 months, then more training and got a great job with a big company. Have moved several jobs since, including moving across the country and then moving into a different (though related) field. Now semi-retired and work part-time.

If I had my time again, I would still stay at home while the children were small. But then again, if I had my time again I might choose not to have children at all.....!

I loved it, spending as much time as was possible with my children who are 12 and 10 now. My husband and I have taken early retirement now and both enjoy being able to focus on the house and garden and especially with the children and their homeschooling.

I was a SAHM for 15 years, as twee as it sounds those were the best years of my life and I could die tomorrow happy. Went back to work 4 years ago, that was a shock to the system and now I understand what people mean about living on the proverbial treadmill.

It worked out well for my family. In the 5 years I was a stay at home parent one of my Mum and my husband were seriously ill and my son had to have an urgent operation. I couldn't have kept working along side everything that was going on.

When I did want to go back to work I managed to get a part time, term time only job in less than 3 months. (Although I had done voluntary work for a year before that so I had a plan!) It doesn't pay well but its interesting and recent times have showed there are huge benefits to having a family friendly employer even at the cost of higher pay.

I loved it, 10 years as a SAHM, although I did three years of part time college to get some new qualifications when my youngest was 2 then started work again when he went to school.

I feel incredibly lucky that I got to spend so much time with them when they were smaller & wpipdnt have done it any differently, despite the fact that it was financially challenging! Different things work for different people, if it’s what you want to do and you’ve got a partner who will support that choice (& most importantly understand it’s not an easy occupation..) then go for it!

It can work out great for people, if they really love being at home and have a very respectful DH and a rock solid marriage and enough spare cash to build their own assets and a DH who isn't particularly vulnerable to redundancy or job loss and never gets seriously ill. It'll come down to how much you want to gamble on all of those factors, really.

That, really. My DH was a star. He totally respected my choice and me, he'd come home from work and cook dinner, and was a really involved dad and housework sharer. He was a teacher too, so was job secure, and we always knew I could get a job tomorrow, if it was necessary. There was a big shortage of teachers back then. Also we had good insurance for if he ever got ill and couldn't work. I wasn't building assets of my own, it has to be said, but that wasn't an issue for me.

Op of course it worked out for some people. No one thinks their marriage will break down or something will happen that leaves them skint. And about half of marriages survive without divorce. I’m not sure if the remaining what the stats are for ill health or redundancy etc,

All you can do is understand your own financial position, your pension, ability to get back to work etc, timescales, as well as the reality of not being financially independent, relying on your husband for money and how you’ll mentally cope being home all day.

Yes for me I had 15 years at home. However I also studied and volunteered during that time. I managed to retrain in a good career after studying for a degree. It was hard confidence wise but not impossible. I was very glad I upskilled as DH left so I became a lone parent after over 25 years of marriage. I don't regret time at home I loved any minute. But it is so important to keep your options open or hand in. I would have liked to work part time but wasn't possible at the time.

I was a SAHM for years and then used the skills I'd learned at home to start my own company so, yes. It worked out great! Am still happily married and my kids are genuinely lovely almost adults and adults. The marriage and the kids would have been the same if I'd worked thoughout, I think, as I would have been just as invested in them.

I am fully aware though that this was because my husband and I had the same priorities and worked hard as a team but there was still a lot of luck involved.

I’m not sure yet. I’m trying to move out of being a SAHM now which is difficult timing, so will report back in 5 years time

What I would say though is that I’ve always done something else as well - volunteering etc - which has made it much easier to get back into work.

I was a sahm for 12 years and (mostly) loved it. We had some specific reasons for doing it, we don't have family locally to help and dh has some health issues. I don't think I could have managed to take care of everyone and work as well.

I got involved with a lot of voluntary and community work which kept my professional skills up to date and meant I was pursuing my own interests and meeting lots of people.

I got back into the workplace almost 4 years ago right back where I left off (pre-pandemic, obviously) I'm really happy with the choices I made and look back very fondly on my years at home.

Yes I did it, 10 years.

Seems like a life time ago and yet I've only been back to work for 3 years!
We suffered financially, no wealthy dh here, lived financially on the edge, got free cycle everything... No hair cuts etc.
It was really hard and lonely at many points, looking back if I could have afforded just 1⃣ day in nursery (from 2 years) that would have been perfect, a Wednesdays to break up the week.

Otherwise, it's gone so quickly, their childhood flies by, and I'm so so glad I did it.
I adore my work, dc see mum working, we have small benefits of my wage, small security of two salaries etc and I work around the dc.

Id err on the side of caution putting any non verbal dc into care unless it's absolutely necessary.

I think it depends on your circumstances, I went back after DC1 but then found out DC2 had SN so I had to be at home. Things had moved on so much in my industry I didn’t return, but did part time work once DC2 was 10. Then retrained as a florist which I loved, but DH then got posted abroad, it was too good a move to turn down so I had to give everything up again. Can’t work where we are, it’s frustrating in some ways but not in others.
I do feel very cross/sometimes worried that I’ve ended up being supported my someone else, I was very independent when young due to my parents separating, I didn’t intend it to work out like this.

10 years in here. Wouldn’t change it at the moment. Nice for balance for our family. Worked out well financially for us.

But neither of us had the option of part time and both very demanding jobs. If yours and dhs careers can cope with part time then it’s much easier to keep a foot in the door.

I also keep sane by volunteering, like pp.

I had a well established career when I became a sahm. I stayed on at work as a consultant, doing the occasional small project. So I earned some money and kept my professional contacts. As dd got older I took on more work. By the time she went to school I was ready to go back to work and they didn’t just rehire me, they promoted me and gave me a generous raise.

The key was having a good education and a highly skilled job.

It worked out well for me. But if I had my time again I don't think I'd risk it. I was very lucky to find an interesting, fulfilling, reasonably well paid job as soon as I wanted to go back to work. I started my job the same day my youngest started reception! I love my job, and now my DC are getting a bit more independent (youngest is 11) I really appreciate that. My job has become an important part of my identity again (whereas as a SAHM you are defined by your family). Looking back I'm surprised I risked that!

As other posters have said, I was also lucky that DH respected and valued my contribution and I had full access to our shared finances.

Waves at @BigWoollyJumpers (from Oxbridge thread) I didn't know you were a long term SAHM too!

I sort of fell into being a SAHM, relocated for Dh's job when Ds1 was a toddler. I was full time before Ds1 then part time after he was born. I gave up my job with the move and we both assumed I would walk into the equivalent job post move. However it became clear that my health was massively improved by being a SAHM and we were planning another child. We could easily manage on one wage.

Ds1 is now almost 18, Ds2 is almost 15. I haven't done paid work for over 16 years. I do think it does depend on what relationship you have with your Dh and whether you have access to all money and aren't struggling financially.

So for us, married 21 years, so far, very successful. I was very happy in the role I carved out for myself. Yes I put everyone else first to an extent however Dh put me and the boys high up the priority list too, he made every sports day, every special occasion at school, takes all our birthdays off work so he can be with us etc, home for a family dinner every night. Generous with money, I have my own car, don't answer to him about the money I spend. I make life easy for him, he makes life easy for me.

I've been a SAHM for over 3 years. We did initially say I'd go back to work at less part time when LO started school full time but Covid happened and we are now planning a second child so will be out of work for some time. I was in a minimum wage job and we decided it wasn't worth my going back once we took childcare into account. OH works random hours so have to consider myself a single parent when it comes to a job which doesn't help.

Mostly it works well. All my friends work though so it can be very lonely. OH does resent it sometimes when he comes home after a hard day and hears about us having had a lovely day out.

I want to go back to work at some point as even my earning £10k a year would make a massive difference in terms of our leisure activities. Also I'd start paying into a pension again which would be helpful for when we retire.

No it didn't. I was always exhausted, unhappy. I felt like I'm failing everything from parenting to careers. It was relentless, unhappy, stressful, and I have lost most of I had. I had to change my careers and to start from scratch, it took me 18 months working for free just to be accepted to a new (low paid) job. I couldn't afford to work, I had to lose money to preserve my career and I didn't. Maybe it was a wrong decision. I don't know....my children never had babysitters or nannies, never went to the nursery until 2,5-3 years old and it was always me or their dad. I want to believe it benefited them somehow. And yes, I didn't miss anything from their early years.