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Original poster

Did being a SAHM turn out well for you?

86 replies

MrsCremuel · 25/01/2021 11:45

Another one of these threads I know.

Are there any people out there who love(d) it/got back into work/didn't get shafted during a divorce etc etc?

I know the risks and do not underestimate them, but would like to hear the positives too.

OP posts:

Daisypaisy2 · 25/01/2021 16:25

To the posters saying that they ended up separated. Do you think it was the fact that you was a SAHM? Or do you think that’s the way things worked out unfortunately.

ThePlantsitter · 25/01/2021 16:26

As somebody who spent a few years as a SAHM I would never recommend anyone does it but people do as they want, which is as it should be. If it's NOT what you want or if you're not SURE it's what you want just don't do it.

It's easier for the kids and any working partner you have. It might be better for the kids... but who knows. It might even seem easier for you for a while too, and it certainly has its rewards, but I would say the downsides vastly outweigh the good sides in the long run. You are not valued by society. You end up taken for granted by everyone, it's really hard not to be. It's boring and hard work and there is no sense of accomplishment. You never get feedback (and you'd be annoyed if you did). And then when it's time to start work again your CV is lacking compared to others, you have just got out of the culture of working, and if you do get a job the pay is shite and you're obliged to be managed by young whippersnappers with no life experience. THEN you have to manage the transition for the whole family between having a SAHP and not having one, which is huge.

If it's a choice between working part time and SAH I would take part time work every time. If you're both working full time it's a bit more complicated but I would see if there's a way you can each go part time before I gave up my job.

Toddlerandtwinstobe · 25/01/2021 16:27

I don’t think times are so different, but then I’m only speaking from personal experience. I’m 29 and I know generally I’m in a much better position than my Mum ever was at this age. Plus I’m not talking high flying careers here. I think if you are career focused it would definitely be more of an issue, more to factor into the decision. I am not really a career woman and probably never will be!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Heysiripissoff · 25/01/2021 16:28

@Daisypaisy2

To the posters saying that they ended up separated. Do you think it was the fact that you was a SAHM? Or do you think that’s the way things worked out unfortunately.

First marriage was.

My ex said he had no respect for me, I wasn't as bright as the successful women he worked with. But on the other hand, he didn't want Ds in a nursery anyway, so I don't know what he wanted.

Plus he knew I left school at 16 to work shit jobs when we met. So I was never going to be like the high level, high earning career women he knew and compared me to.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 25/01/2021 16:28

@Daisypaisy2

To the posters saying that they ended up separated. Do you think it was the fact that you was a SAHM? Or do you think that’s the way things worked out unfortunately.

Not in our case, it was the fact that we married and settled down too young in all honesty. I was 21 and he was 24 when we married and we had DS a year later.

Didiusfalco · 25/01/2021 16:29

I was a sahm for a few years after my youngest was born, until she went to school. It really was good in lots of ways and I found it more manageable than I had when working after first dc and juggling nursery drop off/sickness/sleepless nights. However in an ideal world I would have worked part-time. As she got older I started having sleepless nights about lack of pension and whether I could get back into work. When I finally got a job again I felt absolutely brilliant, and it made me realise that sahm-ing hadn't been great for my confidence. However, I don't earn an awful lot of money and this is unlikely to change any time soon.

UnicornAndSparkles · 25/01/2021 16:32

I took a 2y career break. I enjoyed it, and really valued the time with LG. But getting back into work was a worry as I'd missed so much and finding a job at my previous level with the required flexibility was difficult.

Flatcokeisnojoke · 25/01/2021 16:32

Being a sham held the family together, esp as DH had to travel 1-2 weeks a month and we had no family help

It has worked well for the family as a whole. It has worked well for DH and his career. It has worked well for the kids. I am not sure it was the best option for me to be honest

After 12 years I managed to get back in the job market and re-trainer myself (bloody hard that is! Am teaching myself software skills)

It’s hard being a housewife. It’s also hard to work and still do all the house stuff

Both are hard. Choose your hard

You’ll get lots of shit on MN for being a housewife, but not at all in RL in my experience

EssentialHummus · 25/01/2021 16:33

Leaving aside the (huge!) issue of financial security in the event of divorce or death, not everyone is well suited to it and you don’t know til you try imo. I loved mat leave - loads of activities with the little ones, lots of company with other mums, would happily have done it forever. Then everyone else went back to work! It was bloody hard for the next 6 months or so until I developed a rock-solid routine. I love DD and I’m by nature a bit of an educator so that works for us but my god, day after day without adult interaction just drained me.

Bemoreme21 · 25/01/2021 16:35

I've never been a SAHM only had 2 year long maternity leaves and my advice would be:

Build a secret running away fund of at least a few thousand while you are working in case the shit hits the fan.
Insist all money is family money and put into a joint account you can access.
Set up a private pension that you pay into every month.

Obviously some husbands are lovely and respect and appreciate their wives giving up their careers to look after their families and facilitate their own career. In my experience though not a single SAHM i know is on the receiving end of that respect and appreciation!
Mainly they end up being an unpaid servant as other PPs have mentioned but have no options now because they have no money of their own or job prospects. Hence my advice above!

WouldLoveToGoOnHoliday · 25/01/2021 16:35

Has worked for me and my family. DH appreciates what I do at home, and doesn’t under estimate my contribution. We are now in our 50s. Turned out two of our kids had chronic health problems
Lots of people do look down on SAHM though, and it’s hard to maintain my self esteem at times. Possibly if you can keep some part time work going, that is a good idea.

Bemoreme21 · 25/01/2021 16:40

Also the other thing is find out what your financial situation would be if your DH was incapacitated or died suddenly? Could you get a job again easily? How would you provide for your family?

If you don't like your job can you find a part time job you do like?

Cocopogo · 25/01/2021 16:42

Love being home with DC but sadly my career is now in tatters.

Frequentflier · 25/01/2021 16:42

No, it has turned out terrible. However, it wasn't my choice, so I do not beat myself up about it. I have turned it around by going for a career change, but I miss my old career.

Respectabitch · 25/01/2021 16:45

It has worked well for the family as a whole. It has worked well for DH and his career. It has worked well for the kids. I am not sure it was the best option for me to be honest

I think this is probably the SAHM issue in a nutshell. It means that your role literally becomes to facilitate everyone else. Not to be facilitated or benefited yourself in any way. Your needs are quite literally at the bottom of the pile and are often treated tacitly as if they don't exist.

It can work out great for people, if they really love being at home and have a very respectful DH and a rock solid marriage and enough spare cash to build their own assets and a DH who isn't particularly vulnerable to redundancy or job loss and never gets seriously ill. It'll come down to how much you want to gamble on all of those factors, really.

Heysiripissoff · 25/01/2021 16:47

@Bemoreme21

Also the other thing is find out what your financial situation would be if your DH was incapacitated or died suddenly? Could you get a job again easily? How would you provide for your family?

If you don't like your job can you find a part time job you do like?

I'd be fucked, quite frankly. If he died or left.

I'd have to work back to back 12 hour shifts in a care home (or another min wage job) and rely on top up benefits and somehow find childcare to cover 12 hour shifts.

But I made this situation myself by not giving a fuck about education or careers when I was young. We rent, will never be able buy a home as Dh has a good job but pay is abysmal.

I have two girls and I'll be doing everything in my power to make sure they don't go the same way. Because I am okay with my choices on a day to day basis, but if I think about it too much l panic.

(And I've had people say retrain - I did! I spent 2 years back in college in my mid 30s, all it got me was a different coloured tabard and 20p more an hour and the debt of the course).

User5437585479 · 25/01/2021 16:47

*They'll only be positive stories until they're not! Two years ago I'd have posted about how wonderful it was. Now it's a very different story.

This.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 25/01/2021 16:48

It wasn't my choice (postpartum psychosis after dc1) but so far it's working for us. However as other posters have said...I have a "running away fund", can spend whatever I want of dh's salary and have a civil service pension plus a private one of my own. I'm also due to graduate with another degree this year having studied throughout the time I've been at home. I do quite a bit of voluntary work with transferable skills to the area I want to return to work in.

Dh respects and appreciates me though. He's also happy with me being at home and admitted once I recovered from the psychosis that he preferred me being a sahm.

Heysiripissoff · 25/01/2021 16:50

I do love my children though. And I wouldn't change being with them everyday for a second.

But I have given up almost half my life to look after a house and other people.

LadyGrey4 · 25/01/2021 16:53

So far so good here.. I love being a SAHM and being here for my 3 kids. But I'm also doing a Masters and managing my income property so I'm not totally checked out from work. I'll probably go back to work part time when my youngest is 5 or 6. I never ever want to do a corporate 9-5 in an office again though. Life is too short to waste it sitting in a dark conference room... I want flexibility and need to be available for my kids and my husband will probably be back to traveling by then.

Daisypaisy2 · 25/01/2021 16:53

@Waxonwaxoff0 it’s interesting I think babies bring a huge amount of pressure generally.

@Heysiripissoff the bloody cheek of your EX husband!

It’s interesting that another poster mentioned that her needs are at the bottom of the pile.. that to me is unacceptable though and it’s not what motherhood is about. Even as a mother we had a life before that and it’s so easy to get caught up in mum life. I think that’s unhealthy from the start when your own needs come last.

orchidsonabudget · 25/01/2021 16:57

I think it's also interesting that often women are in "crap jobs with no prospects"
Fewer men in this position

Autumn101 · 25/01/2021 16:58

Been a SAHM for 13 years and about to go back to work - I never thought or planned to be at home so long but changed my mind after DS1 was born!

I have loved it and extremely glad I’ve been able to do it. DH was always fully supportive of me staying at home, very respectful, all finances shared etc.

Therarestone · 25/01/2021 17:00

Yes. Loved it and it was a blessing in lockdown 1 when I didn't have to worry about balancing kids and work. I could see my kids through their first few years at school, be there at drop off and pick up every day.

Then the right job came along that fit in with the family and now that's what I do part time.

Husband has always been supportive no divorce here (yet. Ask me again after this lockdown)

Pyewhacket · 25/01/2021 17:02

Hated it. My brain was starting to atrify so hired a nanny and went back to work. I didn't do all those hard years of training and all that study, exams and qualifications to sit at home looking after a small infant that slept most the time. It would have been like going shopping in a Ferrari. But each to their own. If that's what you want to do then happiness all round. Just not for me.

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