Sorry, feeling quite despondent, Can you chat with me?

[Lua]

I have called the samaritans, no answer....

Oh I wish I could answer and talk to you. I am here though, and do try the Samaritans again when can as you already did well trying and that’s important.

Meanwhile What’s up and do you want to talk about it? And is there someone else you can ring who could help in RL too?

We can chat @Lua

Keep trying @Lua but talk to us until your call is answered.

Where would you like to start?

thank you! I had a big row. Me and the kids said things we can't take it back. I feel dead inside

I'm here! X

I had suicidal thoughts before, but I just realized I have the perfect way to fo it and I am quite scared because I am very impulsive.

Was the argument with your children or with a partner?

How old are your children?

Every little thing is such a small thing, but this snowball has been rolling for such a long time. I don't see any way to stop it or to make it better. I am gamaging my kids mental health,

children. 15 and 18.

I have been very stressed at work, and very resentful of the lack of help.

Arguments feel awful at the time and for a period afterwards, but I bet it won't feel so awful in the morning. We all say horrible things we don't necessarily mean in the heat of the moment.

My DD tried to help me, and went wrong. She feels like she can do anything right, and now I feel I can never be happy with anything. They asked to leave and go to their fathers. I asked to please not walk away on me because it would hurt me, they said I am hurting them. They went

Can you have a chat with the kids snd explain it’s just a bit of a pressure cooker right now for lots of people. Could you all go out for a nice walk together and have a talk?

I don't have really anyone else. This has been an ongoing problem.

I have split from their dad about a year ago, and have lost a couple of times and told them to leave.... It is horrible, I know.

They're tricky ages. It's hard not to lose your rag when you have almost adult children that you feel take you for granted. I had some blazing rows with my mum at that age. We both said and did horrible things. Now I'm older and have perspective I realise I was a hormonal unpleasant teenager and my mum was probably depressed. It didn't scar me.

They have left now of their choice in the last 3 weeks.

I don't have anything to live but them, but I can live when they are around...

Definitely keep calling them.

Well you know what you can't take back @Lua...killing yourself and leaving your kids without a parent. They will forgive you for an argument and vice versa but they will never forgive you for killing yourself and leaving them alone to deal with the repercussions.

What happens if you are successful and they find you lying somewhere dead? Or (perhaps worse) if you're unsuccessful and you end up horribly maimed or unable to move i.e. completely paralysed? Graphic images but this is the result of what you're talking about.

Yes, I have been the same. But I don't want to be like my parents. I try so hard... which is of course why I fuck it up so much....

Things are so much bloody tougher at the moment. Parenting teenagers is a thankless task at the best of times, let alone due the worst of times. It won't always be like this. I promise things will improve.

but they will never forgive you for killing yourself and leaving them alone to deal with the repercussions.

they never forgive me if I continue to be a horrible mother

I just know myself, and even though I know I should just let it go. I can't.
I try every week, and am constantly telling myself to let it go, to ignore the brumbs of food everywhere, the fact that I am called a cunt by my son on a regular basis. But eventually, I always can keep it down, and I complain...

Things ALWAYS get better. Maybe not today or even tomorrow but there will come a day in future when you're glad you didn't do this. Make sure you take your Vitamin D (so vital if you live in the UK or somewhere we don't get much sun at this time of year). Maybe also book a doctor's appointment and see if you're deficient in anything else. Food can have a massive impact on your mood, e.g. big sugar crashed if you eat too much sugar/carbs?

They will throw in my face what happened today.

My dd did say that she was "paying me back" because I wasn't supportive when she had a panic attack 3 years ago. Even though, once I properly understood what happened I sorted out cancellling, talk to school and have to the best of my ability, been there for her.

They need you and love you, even if they don't show it right now. Maybe some time at their Father's will do you all some good. It gives you a break and hopefully they will realise all you do for them. Have you seen a doctor? Some medication might help get you through this. It sounds like you've had an especially tough year.