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Original poster

Did anyone who left baby's sex a 'surprise' feel disappointed?

93 replies

Lelophants · 08/01/2021 13:54

Just curious really! Loads of people go on about wanting to find the sex out during pregnancy so they're not disappointed at birth, but I've never seen a post on here by someone who was disappointed by having a surprise at birth. I've seen lots of people feel disappointed or strange by finding the sex out in advance though!

Has anyone had this?

Obviously people do as otherwise Henry VIII wouldn't be so famous and knocked off different wives. On here though?

I feel like it's generally quite hard to be disappointed once you have a baby in your arms, which is why I never found out Grin but maybe I'm wrong!

OP posts:
Darklane · 08/01/2021 19:06

There was no way of finding out when I was pregnant, you know...back in the Stone Age Grin
But my DM’s friend took one look at me when I was six months & said you’re carrying a boy. She was right.

dinglethedragon · 08/01/2021 19:10

I had a horrible first birth - GA - and had been convinced I was having a boy - so when I was told it was a girl I remember thinking "oh good" - which was interesting as I hadn't been aware I'd really wanted a girl.

110APiccadilly · 08/01/2021 19:11

No, although there was a slightly comedy moment - I had an EMCS and they obviously thought we knew the baby's sex because rather than telling us it was a girl, the first thing they said was, "Do you want to hold her now?" and when DH and I chorused, "Her?" I think they felt a bit guilty for not announcing it more conventionally. Not that we cared!

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Families
Dailyhandtowelwash · 08/01/2021 19:11

A friend of mine was told she was having a girl, but got a boy. It took her quite a while to get over that shock as she had her daughter in her mind, with a name and a sibling relationship to her sister etc. all in her head. She felt like she'd lost her a bit. She would never put it as strongly as mourning, but I think it was a factor in her PND.

MirandaWest · 08/01/2021 19:20

Didn’t find out with either of mine. Thought DS was going to be a girl.

Then thought DD would be a boy. I remember the day before she was born a midwife checked her heartbeat and this suggested she was a boy. She even said it would be nice having two boys under 2 Grin.

When she was born she went blue and had to go and have some oxygen and I was just going “bring back my baby” and had no idea whether it was a boy or girl. Was glad when she was brought back about a minute later but was just amazed she was there at all and then just a little surprised she was a girl :)

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/01/2021 19:22

I didn’t find out with any of mine. First two were boys, third a girl.

Birth was quite quick and hassle free with DD but even so, by the time she came out I was too tired to really notice or care whether she was a girl or boy! Midwife kept saying “look what you’ve got..!” but the umbilical cord was in the way, so I was just like “I can’t really see”. I think she does add a different dynamic to our family than having 3 boys would have done, but I like to think I’d have been equally in love with my 3rd son if he’d arrived.

Elledouble · 08/01/2021 19:24

Nope. I was convinced I was having a girl til the second the midwife held him up Grin And then my brain just went “of course he is. He’s your son.”

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/01/2021 19:39

@2021ComeAtMe

My experience (but could be wrong!) is that those who leave it a surprise genuinely aren't bothered either way. I was in this camp - boy or girl, I didn't care 🤷‍♀️ DD arrived and I was delighted and exhausted.

Whereas the people I know who do find out want to be organised for it's a boy or a girl, so buy gender-related clothes etc and have a preference and want to find out earlier than the birth so they can get their head around it.

I appreciate this might be incorrect for some, but it's right going by the people I know.

Mine all had gender neutral rooms and clothes ready for them. Reds, oranges, black & white stuff etc - in fact they all wore the exact same babygro as their first outfit, with little animals all over it. Makes it tricky to work out who’s who in the photos but they soon got their own personalities and of course it didn’t take long for everyone to start buying DD pink clothes AngryGrin
nildesparandum · 08/01/2021 20:51

@lifestooshort123
This is what I remember when I had my two 1969 and 1972.
Both born by EMCS because of life threatening conditions in labour so I was just pleased we had all survived.

Offerdecisionneeded · 08/01/2021 21:36

My first baby was a surprise and I was convinced a boy, but she’s definitely a girl.
My second and third (twins) we also kept a surprise, despite having a million scans.
Every single time I’d say ‘we don’t know their sex’ to the sonographer.
It was pretty magical when they were born to suddenly have two healthy boys. I hadn’t been able to visualise life as a family of five before then.
No disappointment whatsoever.

Subordinateclause · 09/01/2021 08:23

Perhaps not what you're asking but I found out in pregnancy and honestly don't think the joy that that brought throughout my pregnancy (which, like after birth, would have been the same joy regardless of the sex) would be worth swapping just for the split second moment of surprise at birth - I was exhausted after labour and just don't think it was the time for some great reveal! I loved knowing the sex of the babies in my tummy and like most people I know who found out, it was nothing to do with buying gendered clothes and all to do with knowing as much as possible about the baby I was carrying. People often act like finding out the sex is some purposeful, slightly unnatural act when I think it's now the opposite - you are actively choosing not to find out when the information is clearly visible to the sonographer or to yourself if you have a medical background, and I didn't want other people to know more about my baby than I did.

Ploughingthrough · 09/01/2021 08:26

I didn't find out either time, I was elated when I had a girl the first time and equally elated when my second was a boy. I never had a preference either time so I wasn't bothered about knowing in advance.

ShaunaTheSheep · 09/01/2021 08:42

I found out first time as i wanted to get my head around having a boy. The next two were surprises - I liked the anticipation of wondering If we would have all boys, or a mix.

missmouse101 · 09/01/2021 08:44

I was desperate to know during each pregnancy but I wanted to wait until the birth for the ultimate surprise. I don't care about clothes colours, nursery theme etc. We had a mix of stripy, yellow, green, little animal patterned things which were lovely for either. Was sure first was a boy but she was a girl. It was wonderful to wait and not a disappointment at all. We aren't meant to know, in the grand scheme of things.

Original poster
Lelophants · 09/01/2021 08:46

Kind of proving my point that if you wait you're less likely to have months of gender disappointment. I had a preference and chose not to find out for this reason, thank goodness!

I had a brief moment of "oh!" and then elation after a hideous labour. So glad I didn't find out when pregnant before I had established a bond.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lelophants · 09/01/2021 08:46

@ShaunaTheSheep

I found out first time as i wanted to get my head around having a boy. The next two were surprises - I liked the anticipation of wondering If we would have all boys, or a mix.
I also like the anticipation! Whilst hating it. Worth it though.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lelophants · 09/01/2021 08:48

@Subordinateclause

Perhaps not what you're asking but I found out in pregnancy and honestly don't think the joy that that brought throughout my pregnancy (which, like after birth, would have been the same joy regardless of the sex) would be worth swapping just for the split second moment of surprise at birth - I was exhausted after labour and just don't think it was the time for some great reveal! I loved knowing the sex of the babies in my tummy and like most people I know who found out, it was nothing to do with buying gendered clothes and all to do with knowing as much as possible about the baby I was carrying. People often act like finding out the sex is some purposeful, slightly unnatural act when I think it's now the opposite - you are actively choosing not to find out when the information is clearly visible to the sonographer or to yourself if you have a medical background, and I didn't want other people to know more about my baby than I did.
I do get this. I did find it hard to picture my baby and bond when pregnant, but I dont know if it would have really helped. I djdnt want t anyone else to know either! Also as awful as it sounds, it's a bjt more boring for everyone else once they know.
OP posts:
WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 09/01/2021 08:49

I found out on all but 1. I think because I knew what the others were, I assumed my guess of boy was a fact. So when my dd popped out it was a total and utter anticlimax. DH and I were confused and yes, disappointed. We had to reframe the family we had imagined/assumed in our minds and it felt weird and confusing on top of the exhaustion and very hot room. It sounds worse than it was, it was really no big deal, we adore little girls. We were just confused. Got over it in half an hour or so but it took me months to not say I had two boys and a girl. (Two girls and a boy). Was weird.

whensmynexthol1day · 09/01/2021 08:51

@Subordinateclause I agree. There's quite a lot of unnecessary smugness about not finding out. For us it had absolutely nothing to do with gender disappointment- rather that we'd had four years of infertility followed by 3 rounds of ivf. I knew that I was pregnant from week 2 . It had been such a long wait I just wanted something nice to hang onto, to be able to give my baby a name etc without waiting yet another 3 months.

Mrsmadevans · 09/01/2021 08:51

Genuinely didn't care. After 13 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages l just wanted a healthy baby .

AlternativePerspective · 09/01/2021 08:53

Thing is, hospitals can and do get it wrong, more often than we realize. In fact I know of several hospitals who will no longer reveal the sex because they’ve got it wrong and then faced legal action.

It didn’t even occur to me to want to know, and it was less of a thing when I was pregnant 18 years ago. For me, knowing the sex of the baby would have just topped off everything whereas if I’d known beforehand giving birth would have seemed like an anticlimax.

When my mum was pregnant with me my nan (her MIL) was convinced I was a boy, to the extent that when she heard I was a girl she rang the hospital and said “I’ve just been told my daughter in law had a little girl and I think there’s been a mistake.” Grin

EssentiallyDelighted · 09/01/2021 08:55

We didn't find out during pregnancy with either of ours, it just didn't interest or bother us either way. For me the only possible advantage of finding out beforehand is that we could have narrowed down name choices. Even when they were born finding out the sex wasn't all that important, it was just so lovely to finally meet them.

AlternativePerspective · 09/01/2021 08:56

And I don’t get this notion of gender disappointment and needing time to get over it.

If you’re trying to conceive then it’s because you want a baby, surely? If you’re going to be disappointed if it’s not the exact sex you wanted then perhaps you shouldn’t be trying to have a baby in the first place.

Octoblockswim12345678swim · 09/01/2021 08:56

Perfectly put @Subordinateclause this was it for us too. Also we had a child already and I thought it would be easier for him to visualise and be excited to meet a baby we had already named.

tigerbread20 · 09/01/2021 08:59

I wasn't disappointed but for a few minutes I was very HmmConfused that I had a boy as I'd spent the previous 7 months convinced he was a girl.

In subsequent pregnancies I have found out to avoid the situation.