Books for 16yo on toxic behaviour in relationships?

[earlydoors42]

My 16yo DD's boyfriend is lovely most of the time, but toxic at others. For example - she is "not allowed" to add boys to her social media, even though she knows them and they are her friends. He punishes her for this by refusing to speak to her for hours at a time (saying "Don't fucking speak to me" if she tries to talk to him).

Is there a good website I can direct her to, or a book that would be suitable? Obviously she knows it's not ok but ends up apologising to him and changing her behaviour.

Thanks for any suggestions.

Of course I support her and tell her his behaviour is not ok but it would be useful to have an official source too! To help her now and in future.

Bump

Sorry, I don't have any recommendations, but please protect her from him. He sounds very controlling.

My dd aged 17 and I have just finished this -

Mummy’s Little Angels: A mother’s agonising story of losing her sons to a murderous father www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0091958571/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_G.28Fb5VBE5X3?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Not sure if it’s the right sort of thing but the poor woman’s sons were murdered by her abusive husband who she got together with when she was just 16 (he was older). The majority of the book is about how he gradually controlled her more and more and how she didn’t see it creeping up on her as she didn’t recognise signs of early abuse. Well worth a read. The author is now an advocate against domestic violence.

I actually think all teenagers 16 plus should read it.

Not a book, sorry, but this website may be useful?

It's a new site by Women's Aid to provide advice about relationships and abuse for young people.

loverespect.co.uk/

I suppose you could talk to her about the offence of controlling and coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship.

1. Understanding Controlling or Coercive Behaviour

In September 2012 the Government published guidance which may assist prosecutors to better understand the nature and features of controlling or coercive behaviour:

Domestic violence and abuse is defined as:

Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim
Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour

There's a reason it's bowman offence in its own right which can attract a lengthy prison sentence.

Book-wise, Into the Darkest Corner is a (fictional) story of domestic abuse. If I remember correctly the controlling behaviour at the beginning of the relationship was written off as "romantic", as it so often is. It's a good book, and one I'll be offering my dd to read when she's old enough. It's obviously an adult book, though, so not sure whether you'd be happy with your dd reading it.

He sounds awful. I hope she gets away from him.

I don't know where the word "bowman" came from in my previous post 🤔

Thank you for all suggestions. I will look into them all. Luckily it's lockdown now so she can't see him even though she wants to (despite it all - sadly).

There's a book by Holly Bourne called 'The Places I've Cried in Public'. It's fairly recent, very readable and aimed at the older end of young adult so ideal for your daughter I'd say. I really rate her writing on all sorts of issues like mental health and this one is excellent on toxic relationships and how they can develop while seeming to be really 'romantic'.

Just remembered BBC programme 'Is This Coercive Control?' which may be helpful.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p08v5pwj

While your DD may not be in a violent relationship, I’d really recommend the BBC3 drama Murdered By My Boyfriend for a relatable, unflinching look at how coercive control works:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b047zl98

@Aspiringmatriarch

There's a book by Holly Bourne called 'The Places I've Cried in Public'. It's fairly recent, very readable and aimed at the older end of young adult so ideal for your daughter I'd say. I really rate her writing on all sorts of issues like mental health and this one is excellent on toxic relationships and how they can develop while seeming to be really 'romantic'.

Came here to say exactly this

@Aspiringmatriarch

There's a book by Holly Bourne called 'The Places I've Cried in Public'. It's fairly recent, very readable and aimed at the older end of young adult so ideal for your daughter I'd say. I really rate her writing on all sorts of issues like mental health and this one is excellent on toxic relationships and how they can develop while seeming to be really 'romantic'.

I completely agree with this book. It's amazing, one of the best books I've ever read. It's a great read while also being a great way to teach young women to spot red flags in relationships. I would definitely recommend it to any 16 year old girl.

I'll look the Holly Bourne book up myself for my daughter I think. I try to talk to her at any opportunity about controlling relationships and red flags to look out for. Even watching Friends offered some opportunities (looking at you, Ross!). Being in a relationship with a man can be so dangerous for women. Or saying no to a man, or leaving a man.

Glad others have echoed the Holly Bourne book and articulated better than me - it's done in such a clever and powerful way and I wish she'd been writing when I was a teen. She never talks down but is so bang on the money with teen issues.

Sorry I missed the extra messages, I will look up everything suggested and order that book. Thank you all.

What an interesting book. Noted. Thanks. I wonder if I could persuade my Ds1, to read it. Not because he's ever been in a toxic relationship, but just to enlighten him.