Did anyone else’s mum have an alternative “fantasy” family whilst you were growing up

[Justiceishalfblind]

My mum did. She was obsessed with a professional cricket player. She was in love with him but the love extended to his (thin) wife and (sporty) children.

She would sit at the dinner table telling us merrily what that family had done that day.

I have never met anyone in real life with similar. Is this a thing?

That’s aggrandisement, isn’t it? The other gem that my DM did was to say that top chefs gave her the recipes for certain dishes (as if they personally gave her the recipes) and then I would find them in her cookbooks.

Ruby my Greek family originated from a TV programme that I watched as a young child about British women who met men in Zakynthos and moved there. There was one guy who just seemed so genuinely nice, he was from a farming family and this set the ground work. Most of my 11 brothers were named after men in this programme. My recent family are more of an eclectic mix, a few elements borrowed from The Yorkshire Shepherdess. Its quite odd as I have no interest in farming at all!

My ex-mother in law used to be obsessed with her sister's life and we had to sit and listen to endless descriptions of her sister's house including really small details about her carpet choices, type of window sil and superior double glazing choices, what she fed her grandchildren etc etc. all told in a low reverential tone which meant it was obvious that whatever the sister did was the correct way to do it and all in the best possible taste.
My ex-father in law had to go and mow her lawn and do loads of odd jobs for her too.

@seanbonbon

Palmstar I'm so sorry. That must be so hard to deal with but please understand that your mother not loving (or being unable to demonstrate her love for) you was her failing - not yours xx

@seanbonbon Thank you. I've come to terms with it now and am out the other side.

@Justiceishalfblind

Yes Palmstar I get that. My mum was into Diana too. She rang me early on the morning of the death and said “I wanted to let you know before you found out......” .....I thought my cousin had died.

Certainly I think the love we should have had was being redirected to these fantasy people.

Whereas there is nobody on earth I would want to spend head-time with than my kids. And my nice MIL is the same as me.

My mum was very probably a narcissist and sociopath. Diana suited her as Diana never answered back, or had an opinion or had any faults. Of course Mum never met her but was utterly immersed in her love for her. In fact I think Diana was the only constant in her life. Mum ruined every other relationship she ever had, but of course that was never her fault.

I am also a day dreamer and can pinpoint exactly why I day dream and why the content is what it is. I don’t know how dangerous it is, but I do notice that it ‘ramps up’ when I feel stressed.
Oddly I used to work with a young girl whose SM was obsessed with Westlife. She routinely told her DC’s ‘if the boys ever asked me to go on tour with them, I’d be gone and you’d never see me again’ Her DC’s were 3 and 5 at the time

My mother used to desperately wish I was like child stars on TV or wonder why I wasn't an accomplished ballet dancer/singer. Wouldn't have crossed her mind that their parents invested in them from a young age, made sacrifices, were the drive behind them, enrolled them to endless classes, enabled their hobbies and made all the arrangements etc. Lol.

@thecatfromjapan

Wow.

I love MN for the constant insight into the quiet derangement of others.

And the insight into the glorious variety of that derangement.

OP, that is quite bananas.

This. My mother did, I think, fantasise about alternative children, but it took the more ordinary form of ‘Why can’t you be more like Karen X?’ (Sickly-sweet neighbour’s daughter who simpered and embroidered tray cloths).

This thread is fascinating. As a PP said, we all need some degree of fantasy in our lives, and that's harmless or even beneficial as long as it doesn't interfere with normal functioning or relationships. Some of the parental fantasy lives on here clearly did, but @Justiceishalfblind I have compassion for your mum too. It's a rather sad story (and yes, also funny from a different perspective) from every angle. As they say, comedy is tragedy recollected in tranquility.

I sometimes get intense crushes, of a sort, on fictional characters from TV, film, or literature and think about them a lot for a while, but if anything it impacts my real life positively: it generally spurs a burst of creativity and I write some poetry and/or fiction, as well as enjoy a few idle pleasant daydreams and DH may get jumped a bit more often. Then it passes off. It's never about disliking my real life (although it's more prone to happen at times of stress or boredom) and nor does it happen with real people; it's about being creative and finding understanding.

My mother is always very protective of her fantasy friendships. No one is ever to blame or makes bad choices. Diana was worshipped when I was a kid, brilliant mother, very important she had never slept around (Sarah Ferguson had had a boyfriend before meeting Andrew). When she died they went full mourning, trips to London & Windsor.
Apparently the Queen is very 'wise', never managed to find out how she knows this.

How do your parents react if you ever question or are critical about their 'crushes', mine used to get very cross and then attack me as a teenager and young adult.
I occasionally get passed on parenting advice from Kate Middleton but she's no Diana (and my kids are older)

Thats not normal

this thread is rocking my world.
I have to go to work but will check in later.

I’ve not read the whole thread as wanted to get this down without DD interrupting me.
I have a whole fantasy world that I share with my sister. It’s been going on for about 20 years now. We are never part of it but it’s different people (Mostly made up celebrities) and they have various luck and misadventure. It used to be ludicrously detailed but much of it has fallen to the wayside over the years. We have generations and generations all that seemed to have happened quite organically. Some of these “people” have been a constant in my life for longer than DP and most my friends. I cannot go to sleep without thinking of them and making up things about them. Like other PP have said I have lots of knowledge about lots of random things that I have researched to keep things accurate. I also have fondness for really random celebrities because their likeness features heavily. It’s never affected my day to day life as no one apart from my sister knows about it. Though I did call my DD after one of the people as when we talking baby names I could only think of names we have “used”. This feels very weird confessing as it has been a large happy part of my life for so long. It’s like a comfort thing I think. Especially at the moment. Something consistent that I can control.

@RosieLemonade. Sounds a bit like the world that the Bronte sisters invented.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gondal_(fictional_country)

Sorry to say that Imperial doesn't offer Astrophysics degrees - I'm sure you meant a PhD

Hygge I clearly did not do my research there! No problem though, I'll change him to another more suitable course

some of these remind me a bit of the song 'My Perfect Cousin' by the undertones where the singer was endlessly compared to perfect Kevin. Unbeknownst to the adults Kevin was quite a sly little git. No idea whether there was any truth in the song!!

I also had a perfect cousin. But mum was rather bitter and jealous about her SIL and perfect offspring.
Perfect cousin and I are still friendly and she doesn't know she's to blame for me wanting to play the cello and have two staircases in an old house.

my dad was definitely partly to blame for mum retreating into her fantasy world.

Thinking about it, my DM does talk a lot about her brother's kids, my most successful set of cousins, and I suspect it is because they are leading the life she would have liked me and my brothers to lead. Not that we are unsuccessful, but my cousins have done mega-well (successful actress, big six lawyers, equally stellar spouses, amazing houses). She keeps me fully updated on every detail, and as much as I like them, I do think "why do I need to know all this". She's not bitter or envious, it's more that she talks about them as if they are her kids - they are that significant to her. My other 19 cousins don't get much mention, except what you would expect.

I think her own children don't give her the same scope for chit-chat.

This thread has been quite revelatory. I think previous posters are correct that for many people it’s about creating a safe, consistent and most importantly, controllable world. Things don’t just happen to you, perhaps this ties in with OP’s mum and the death of her mother. I understand it’s different to my own fantasies as these were real people she was reporting on, but she could still in most ways control the scenario, lovely things could happen vicariously without having to experience the negatives of loss and tragedy as they were not her actual family and she only saw them at this cricket ground.

I’m certainly aware that I use fantasies as indulgent fun, but also correctively. Thinking about it —all night— the men are always shits, behaving in ways seen in failed relationships or friendships that I’ve had. I then get to come out on top instead of hurt, I get to say the comeback I couldn’t think of at the time and probably most sadly they often change their kind and decide they do love me more than the other woman or that I am not just good enough but better. It’s a time when I do a lot of emotional reconciliation. Even moments where I feel I’ve failed as a parent can be corrected.

I don’t know if this comes from a life of feeling less than or constantly wrong/wronged, but I too find it peaks at times of stress. For example lots this year, with lots of drama as I think a way to exorcise my pent up feeling about the pandemic even though the pandemic did not actually feature at all in the fantasy world. Although OPs mum made a poor choice in sharing with her children I do think compassion is the way to go. It’s definitely a reflection of what was going on with her rather than any failings of her children.

I probably am quietly deranged, but it gets me through an I’m ready to be quizzed on a vast array of useless info as a consequence.

Ohhhh, this is so fascinating. I think I am definitely susceptible to excessive daydreaming though the commitment some PPs have shown to theirs is impressive.

Is maladaptive daydreaming more prevalent amongst women? All the examples here are mothers, aunts, sisters etc.

Omg Male daydreamers!
This rabbit hole just gets deeper .... I lost a nights sleep to it!

Going back to mum, the family she picked on were, in truth, terrific people. Imagine the sort of person you’d want nursing you in hospital.

Husband and wife were both very good company.

My dad walked out over the issue at 9ne point but he never blamed fantasy family and even became friends with them in a real way (sort of).

Yes, so that's the strange thing that I struggle to get my head round. She was over invested in their lives as an outsider, acting like they were part of her own family but never getting close enough to them to call them real friends (unlike your dad). I guess she was scared of rejection maybe? It is really sad. Does she struggle maintaining friendships?

I assume you've never spoken to her about it? No idea how you'd broach that one!