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Original poster

Did anyone else’s mum have an alternative “fantasy” family whilst you were growing up

144 replies

Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 13:56

My mum did. She was obsessed with a professional cricket player. She was in love with him but the love extended to his (thin) wife and (sporty) children.

She would sit at the dinner table telling us merrily what that family had done that day.

I have never met anyone in real life with similar. Is this a thing?

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 03/01/2021 17:36

That does sound pretty shit OP - I mean its funny when you say it so matter of fact like that, initially, but no, not good. My STBexH had a breakdown years ago he used to imagine that he was friends with people who he barely knew, and create a "relationship" with them in his mind; he rarely said anything about it though. Nonetheless I think it sounds broadly similar. Has your mum ever acknowledged she has a MH issue?

Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 17:41

Yes Palmstar I get that.
My mum was into Diana too. She rang me early on the morning of the death and said “I wanted to let you know before you found out......” .....I thought my cousin had died.Angry

Certainly I think the love we should have had was being redirected to these fantasy people.

Whereas there is nobody on earth I would want to spend head-time with than my kids. And my nice MIL is the same as me.

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DishingOutDone · 03/01/2021 17:41

Actually the more you describe it the more it does sound familiar; I've known other people do it but not quite in the same intense way. I think its born of a longing for things to be "better", of dissatisfaction with your own lot and basically to feel needed in a certain way.

It sounds very sad, how do you cope with this memory now?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
wheelsonthebus21 · 03/01/2021 17:41

Sounds like a form of escapism for something that is happening (or not happening) in real life.

Even though this may be unintentional, it sure can cause distress for those around her. Well done for acknowledging this, OP, and I hope you find peace knowing these things do happen (per PPs).

thecatfromjapan · 03/01/2021 17:41

I agree with Seanbonbon.

Did your mothers experience a traumatic event before or during your childhoods?

I wonder if some of this was driven by a fear of loving vulnerable, fragile human beings.

It's very 'safe' to go through the motions of loving an illusory object. There is a lot of 'as if' about it. Your feelings aren't truly engaged - not in the potentially devastating way they are when you wholly, utterly love another person (particularly children).

So you are 'safe' from a potentially devastating loss if anything happens to your love object.

I wonder if it was a self-protection?

Even so - you are both utterly irreplaceable, unique and deserve to be loved without reserve.

Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 17:53

I have never really been able to talk about it. It’s been shameful because I didn’t have the words. Then a couple of years ago I heard a radio interview with a comedian whose mother had been obsessed with golfers during his childhood. He described it - a bit that stuck in my mind involved there being a giant cardboard cutout of Lee Travino in the hallway :). I mimick the tone he used when I describe it now.

Your STBX’s issue does sound similar.

“That does sound pretty shit OP - I mean its funny when you say it so matter of fact like that, initially, but no, not good. My STBexH had a breakdown years ago he used to imagine that he was friends with people who he barely knew, and create a "relationship" with them in his mind; he rarely said anything about it though. Nonetheless I think it sounds broadly similar. Has your mum ever acknowledged she has a MH issue?”

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SisterlyCare · 03/01/2021 17:55

My mum’s fantasy family is her sisters family..

Her sister enjoys the attention and tells her amazing -untrue- things about her messed up family. My mum had an aweful marriage and really struggled to find a stable relationship and my aunt knew exactly what she needed to say to score points and my mum totally is in love with her sister and family and kids at the cost of her own kids.

I think on my mums part it’s inferiority complex
Her sisters part it’s superiority complex and a bit of narcissism

There is an obsessive dynamic going on where one sister gives a fake image and the other one is completely obsessing over it

Needless to say, I dislike my aunt now after I realised she isn’t who she pretended to be all along and her own kids told me of the horrors

Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 17:57

Re acknowledging mental health, no she remains in denial about her various MHissues.
In her defence she was subjected to a psychiatric intervention in the late 60s after losing her own mother.
Her own mother was, I think, the love of her life. My dad said that mum’s mum was the nicest person he ever met.
Psychiatry in the 60s was, I think, more likely to cause PTSD than cure it

So by the time I was born in the 70s, an awful lot of damage had been done..

OP posts:
Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 18:00

Yes this ( though in our case the cricket players family were quite innocent)

“my mum totally is in love with her sister and family and kids at the cost of her own kids.
I think on my mums part it’s inferiority complex”

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thecatfromjapan · 03/01/2021 18:01

Justice, I really hope the response on this thread tells you you need feel no shame.

It's sad.

As a mother, I feel so sad for you.

I even feel sorry for your mother. Opening my heart to my children has been one of the most profound joys of my life.

But mainly, I experience a strong wish that your relationship with your mother had been different.

I also hope very much that life gifts you everything you need to make your present and your future wonderful and whole.

Twatalert · 03/01/2021 18:02

I had a fantasy family as a child and into adulthood, but I wasn't in it. My childhood was horrible, I did not feel loved or accepted, and imagining this kind and loving family before sleep gave me great comfort. I see it as a coping mechanism.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 03/01/2021 18:08

That's sad OP and would hurt me.

I think it is a the grass is greener mentality and obviously an obsession. Your mum probably thought that this family were the perfect family with perfect lives. Of course they will have had their own struggles but she never knew about the struggles so they seemed perfect.

Did your parents have money issues? Maybe a reason why she idolised this other family.

Don't take it as a suggestion that you weren't good enough for her. I think it was just envy.

Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 18:14

Thank you cat that makes me a bit teary.
A great deal of comedy is about shame. I think it’s no coincidence that the radio interviewee was a comedian. So making it sound funny helps.

The long term effect is that there are tight limits on the degree to which I can trust her.

Finding out bits about her childhood and inferiority fears and the trauma of losing her one true love -her mum- and the ghastly interventions afterwards - all that helps me feel some compassion although she remained in denial.

Her relationship with my children has been better. So that’s good.

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Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 18:20

‘I even feel sorry for your mother”

This is helpful. Usually I just get directed to the “Stately Homes” threads when I post about my family but for me with this issue, it just isn’t the way to go.

Learning more about what caused the obsession is what helps. Understanding her story, which I think is a bit of a tragic one. Compassion is power.

About a year ago I said to mum that she should have been a solicitor and to my utter astonishment she said “you’re probably right”. That has never happened before or since.

OP posts:
missnevermind · 03/01/2021 18:25

I came to tell you that one year my mum adopted the participants of big brother 😁 Would tell us she had put the telly on to watch the kids.
My youngest at the time would come running in to tell us my brother was on the telly.

2bazookas · 03/01/2021 18:26

My sister had a fantasy friend who lived with us and was a PITA because we all had to accommodate his demands. But she outgrew him when she started school.

Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 18:27

:)Miss

It is funny

OP posts:
ssd · 03/01/2021 18:29

Christ no..my mum was normal.

Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 18:29

Bazookas - it was like something a toddler would do. Also like something an insecure teenager would come close to doing.

OP posts:
ssd · 03/01/2021 18:29

Well normal to me Grin

Original poster
Justiceishalfblind · 03/01/2021 18:30

Sad ROFL Grin

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Putthegasfireon · 03/01/2021 18:42

Al my life, up to about 3 years ago, I (very sadly) had an alternative fantasy life, where I would be married to whatever film/rock star took my fancy that month (just for an example). I believe it's an actual condition called maladaptive daydreaming (or something). It would be very, very incredibly detailed.

However, there isn't a cats chance in hell I would have told anyone about it, least of all my kids Confused The only reason I'm confessing now is because I stopped and this is anonymous.

MoltenLasagne · 03/01/2021 18:44

We were, kind of, my mum's fantasy family. We'd hear from her friends and coworkers all about the amazing things we were supposedly doing and we had to live up to these images she created of us, and of course sustain this narrative of her perfect parenting.

She still does it in her "round robin" Christmas cards. DH likes to find out what the alternative reality Lasagne family has been up to. People who vaguely know me through my Mum must think we're really snobby and kind of strange.

Kanaloa · 03/01/2021 18:50

I suppose I used to do this when I was young. I would make up a husband, kids names, what my house would be like. Stopped when I was a teen though!

Mangermaid · 03/01/2021 18:51

I'm not sure if this is similar but my mam was obsessed with a little girl she used to babysit as a teenager. The girl died when she was 9 years old. As a child I was always being told about this tragic little angel and it was made clear that I'd never be as good as her. My middle name is the same as the dead girl's first name. Never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything and still suffer from crushing self doubt at 62.