Did anyone else’s mum have an alternative “fantasy” family whilst you were growing up

[Justiceishalfblind]

My mum did. She was obsessed with a professional cricket player. She was in love with him but the love extended to his (thin) wife and (sporty) children.

She would sit at the dinner table telling us merrily what that family had done that day.

I have never met anyone in real life with similar. Is this a thing?

“Just to clarify incase anyone is following my fantasy life I don't actually live on the farm, but I frequently visit and my dc spent a large portion of their childhood there.”

Holy Mary Mother of God!!!

Can I ask, in non-fantasy life do you have actual flesh and blood children? Are the children on the farm different?

“So I surreptitiously photocopied my siblings' photos of their mates on nights out, stuck them up around my bedroom mirror in halls, and pretended that they were photos of my friends and forgot to hide them when my brother came to visit”

PMSL

When I was younger I had a fantasy family, including an older brother that was (showing my age) Martin from EastEnders. He had a lot of friends who played football and they all fancied me

Can I ask, in non-fantasy life do you have actual flesh and blood children? Are the children on the farm different?

Yes I have actual children who are totally amazing, they are the same on the farm as they are in real life.

“He had a lot of friends who played football and they all fancied me”

:)

I'm loving reading about other fantasy lives! merry Martin was lovely, good choice for a brother. I might get him a job on our farm, in lambing season my two brothers are run off their feet.

I do this, sort of... and yes David Baddiel’s stories do resonate a bit!

I do have a fantasy family, several fantasy lives which I dip in and out of. Like a previous poster I have often included a celebrity in these fantasies, but usually on the periphery, so as an example in one I’m a successful doctor advising films and tv and as a consequence have become friendly with Ellen Pompeo (of Grey’s Anatomy fame) but Ellen doesn’t feature heavily in the day to day fantasy if that makes sense.

The core is I’m always flawless. It’s tied into having very low self-esteem. In my actual life I’m not struggling, have a happy family life and not exactly too much to complain about.

At times of stress I do often retreat into the fantasies and although I have NEVER discussed with anyone outside of a therapy appointment, I can get quite involved and do associated research. My most recent one is set in Australia, and as a consequence I now know quite a bit about the place and find myself being able to reference this, and that’s the part I can let slip. At Christmas we were (how thrillingly) discussing global healthcare and I ended up going into some detail on the Australian healthcare system and DH is clearly thinking WTF?!

I did see a psychologist who discussed the concept of maladaptive day dreaming but I wasn’t diagnosed as such. My understanding is that it isn’t recognised by lots of HCPs. In the main it’s harmless, occupies my mind and I find it a comforting coping strategy.

She was born before her time - she'd have loved Instagram!

“I can get quite involved and do associated research. ‘

This just keeps on giving :)

Ruby I think you and I could be friends, I love your commitment to the cause. I also need to research for my fantasy life, I'm quite au fait with fertility clinics in Cairo (where my cousin-brother was conceived)

@thecatfromjapan

Wow.

I love MN for the constant insight into the quiet derangement of others.

And the insight into the glorious variety of that derangement.

OP, that is quite bananas.

Quiet derangement of others

Actually it all sounds sad and rather unhealthy. Particularly when it is done at the expense of enjoying the love and company of your own perfectly lovely family instead.

But it’s the research to me that makes it fun! Choosing the house, the kids and their names, picking my wardrobe, the interior style etc. It’s usually all vastly different to my own, it’s playing at being someone else.

Also important to say that in my fantasy I’m the only one who’s perfect, what with it being my fantasy! The husband especially is always a shit, who of course adores me. The irony being that my real life husband is opposite of a shit and adores me. Why would I dream about a worse situation?! Recently en fantasy, I’m considering an affair and went on a mini break with man from fantasy work, but it was disastrous and fantasy me spent time fantasising about being back at home not on the shit weekend away. Meta.

I did this once at a very low time in my life. I had a fantasy relationship with someone I worked with and would spend the entire commute happily day dreaming about it.
I had a violent partner and the job was awful so I think it was very much a coping mechanism. I actively looked forward to the time I could indulge in these day dreams. Then one day I realised the only thing that was keeping me happy was something that existed solely in my imagination. That was a tough time but probably good that I realised and eventually made changes to my life.

These days I occasionally imagine giving acceptance speeches for various awards.

I’d just like to clarify that the “sad and rather unhealthy” bit in my comment related to people who impose their fantasy life on others. It wasn’t aimed at all the happy day dreamers!

@jamesfailedmarshmallows did you spend time trying to decide which would be the best clinic? Interesting choice, what led you to Cairo?

I am certainly committed, all these long lockdown walks have really given me time to indulge. I can spend walk after walk deciding if fantasy family go for third child or not, or considering the schools on Sydney’s northern beaches.

As an insomniac, I often also rehash fantasy events and ‘do them better’.

My mum was weird in lots of ways but, no, this wasn’t one of them. If I did fantasise about other family lives sometimes, I’d never dare share that with my DC. I’d never be able to forget it.

Ruby IVF was in its infancy in Egypt in the early 90s (when cousin-brother was conceived) and my aunt and uncle went there as it was cheaper than Europe, and Cairo was the best as it was the capital. My family had to sell a largish portion of the land which was very valuable as it had a waterfall to fund the treatment, but nobody minded as they had been TTC for 15 years. Unfortunately shortly after cousin brother was born his mother developed postnatal psychosis, which may have been caused by incorrect dosage of hormones at the clinic.

My mum was always very keen on other people's families. I and my family are really disappointing to her, despite us actually having significant niche fame.
I thought I'd struck gold with a major anniversary present (Emma bridgewater, totally my mum's taste, but it's hidden in a cubbyhole in the dark). Gifts from cruise ship aquaitances are prominently displayed.
We hear an awful lot about people we have never met and my parents have very little contact with.
it's lead to me keeping more and more quiet with them after for eg. my choice of dds name (you can spell it, unusual but you've heard it over the years) was broadcast to my cousin's as ridiculous, over the top, she'll change her mind. My cousins went for full on international, non UK, names which got praised to the skies.

I dread being asked to write or say any kind of eulogy, I might have to ask the amazing couple to do it who they get a round robin Xmas letter from.

My mother told me she used to invent long stories about her fantasy life every night before going to sleep...
This is me! I can't sleep without doing it, and can't remember a time when I didn't do it. It's maladaptive daydreaming. It can spill over into real too- I can lose days to a daydream, playing out fantasy scenarios in my head. Mostly nice ones, always placed about 5 years in the future, and my children are always there somewhere... So I'm dating Benedict Cumberbatch and he really gets on with my DC and teaches the youngest to play chess... That sort of thing.

It does have a flip side though. When I'm feeling awful and on the verge of tipping into depression, I have intrusive thoughts about being beaten up, and it feels like they come from the same brain space as my daydreaming iykwim. Also, I do play out many different branches of possibilities about whatever's going on in my life, which can be good or bad.

Never told anyone about this irl. It's not about being dissatisfied with my life at all, but maybe a bit about wanting to be at the centre of my own story if that makes sense, instead of feeling like a bit player in my own life.

Ruby I also love doing a rehash! My twin brother was getting married to a dentist colleague he had been going out with for years, the wedding was planned, outfits arranged, I had my speech written etc but then I had a more suitable wife at the last minute, so his original wife-to-be got her head turned by a colleague with a lift apartment in NYC so she called off the wedding. DB was gutted but I introduced him to someone much better and their honeymoon resort was even more luxurious than the first one.
Both of my fantasy families have farming backgrounds, the Greek ones were poor peasant farmers but my current ones are much more modern and specialise in rare breeds which is very lucrative, so I've done a fair bit of research into high tech farm machinery and specific breeds of sheep.

I live for probably 20 minutes a day in another life. I have several world's, they slow change and I revisit and rebuild old ones. My current one, off there now, is an amazing concrete shelter built into an alp. My bit has a big glass window with blast doors and a secret entrance.
In my 20s my imaginary friend used to regularly be on my train commute.
I don't share with my family.

AllTheThingsHeSaid, I do it too, it's very comforting. I am a young woman, confident and independent, have intelligent, articulate parents to whom I can talk, a sister, grandparents and aunts and uncle. They all support me (and other children in the family), in our ambitions and give me plenty of space to grow.and live my life.

I imagine different scenarios.

Nobody else knows.

@jamesfailedmarshmallows Makes sense, although i meant more how did real life you create this fantasy?

Am interested as OP's mum created this from knowing them, whereas I've only ever operated through some very weak series of events. My land down under sessions came from listening to a podcast, where they mentioned a specific beach in Sydney, which I googled and that was it, created an entire life around it. In the past it has been a song, a scene from a film, never done anything based on anyone I know in real life.

Do you know any farming families in real life?

Sorry am fascinated because I have never discussed that i do this with anyone apart the therapist who was not at all indulgent!

All my fantasy family is definitely about me being centred and adored by male family members. When I was pregnant or had a newborn my 'brothers' would insist that I go to the farm and sleep whilst they took it in turns to do the night feeds and cooking. They basically gave always been there when I have needed support unlike my father.

My DM used to talk about her friend, The Duchess of... (RL Duchess), what she wore, what she said, the Christmas presents she received. And then I twigged, because DM was a teacher in a posh girls boarding school and The Duchess was the mother of a girl she taught.