If you have two young kids do you ever get any "me" time?

[SebastianTheCrab]

DH and I have one toddler and it's just full on. I'm someone who needs a lot of downtime/alone time, I can't stand having to interact with people all day (even DH) and I have found the intensity and neediness of having a small child extremely difficult to be completely honest, especially as he gets up at 5am every day.

The way we cope, especially during lockdown, is taking turns throughout the day so the other can nap/work/have downtime. It's very fair and it gives us both respite. (We do also do have family time each day when we're all together). But even in normal times the rota would apply during weekends/after school because we get zero family help.

We're very on the fence about #2 (especially me). I just can see either/both of us not coping alone with two and/or each kid wanting a different parent, basically making our rota system impossible.

I've also noticed when I speak to my friends who have two kids on video calls they can make it maximum 10-15 minutes without their DH "accidentally" letting one and then both kids burst in and derail the convo followed by "apologetic" dad so we then have to end the call.

So my question is, if you have two kids do you get any alone time regularly - as in, on a daily basis? Just even half an hour to sit quietly and not be bothered during the day (not after kids are in bed).

No. I’ve got 3 and, although it’s getting a bit better now they’re getting a bit older, the one thing I never get is down time or time alone.

I work full time. Up, out, work, pick all the kids up, home, tea, bath, bed. There’s not half an hour in that to sit and stare into space...

I’ve got 2 under 2 and there isn’t much alone time, especially since the toddler stopped napping. DH does take them out for a walk or drive so I get some quiet time, but there’s always something to do around the house.

It’s really difficult. I’m hoping it’ll improve when they start school, as I work part time so will have some days off when they are gone.

Op i could have written your post. I'm not having any more children though. I don't know what the answer is except I'm hoping after covid that classes and fun things will open up so I don't have to entertain DD all day.

I have a horse and I run which I manage to make time for, it can be hard to fit everything in.

I don't generally have any 'sit on my own with a cuppa' time, no. If I'm ever in that situation I tend to feel guilty for not doing anything?!

Honestly? I have 3 and it's hard. It was easier with 2 though. DH and I have an understanding that occasionally one of us goes and has a 'Do not disturb' hour in the bedroom (our house is quite small so nowhere else!) But it's not quite the same as time alone. It's hard to carve out that time but I think that's because there's an element of guilt for just wanting to be on your own that's different from meeting a friend. I also stupidly took a job at my children's school so I don't even get the commute to myself. I do go running and walking which is a good way to get time alone. I think it depends massively on how understanding your DH is.

I have two smalls- both toddlers. It is difficult and yes, I can go the whole day without a second to myself but my dh and I triy very hard to ensure we both get time to us. I have had a few zoom conversations over an hour long in the day without one of my children bursting in so it is possible. In some ways it is easier with two because they entertain each other and play together.

I have 2, ages almost 5 and 6 months. I manage a 30 min run or yoga every other day usually while dh does bathtime with them. Tbf we planned it this was so the big one was starting school when little was born so I also do get naptime completely alone too (I'm back at work shortly though so that'll go out the window soon)

I get a couple of hours on preschool days as the eldest is out and the youngest is napping. Sometimes if they both nap I’m lucky.
Me time isn’t a daily occurrence.

I have a 4 and 6 year old and nope I don't really get alone time, me and my husband take the odd turn in getting up with the kids at weekend so other can have a lie in but that's about it

I've never heard of daily alone time

Sounds like some magical mystery to me.

Screen time

I get a half an hour sometimes when the younger (2) is napping and the older (6) is colouring or reading. Or when they play together. Or when they have a friend over.

My first is actually much needier than my second. I think it's second child syndrome, he always had to get on with it and play by himself more. Whereas my first still wants my attention every minute when it's just the two of us.

We can now socialise with other parent friends for some time though with only minor interruptions while the kids play together. It really does get better. Age 3 was a major game changer in terms of the oldest developing some independence and being less in my face.

I've always made sure we've both gotten down time. It gets easier as they get older but for the baby/toddler days I think one key is spacing them right, 2 years apart I guess gets it out the way quicker but seemed more painful from what I've seen of friends, 3 years enabled us to have a sleeper, potty trained etc, he was in nursery so nap times for baby meant a break for me (kept him in nursery 2 days a week when I was on maternity leave) Always ensured both were in bed for 7 (from about 4 months when past cluster feeding etc) that gave us evenings.

Never been afraid to let them have sleepovers with mum (even when she lived 150 miles away) when I finished BF at 6 months she would come down and let us have a night out or we'd get a hotel.

Went back to work at 9 months, the hour commute on the train there and back reading and having a hot drink was the most relaxing part of my day!

Alternating lie ins and bedtimes.

The first 6 months were tough, as with any baby, when life had to revolve around them, but after that I found it easier to get them to adapt to a family lifestyle I was happy with that enabled us some free time. Not everyone would agree with my parenting style, but it's kept us sane and our now primary school aged kids seem happy and secure to me!

Hi @SebastianTheCrab, I have two, small age gap, and like you I need alone time. Pros and cons. It was very hard when they were little, but now they are older, they play together beautifully and are great company for each other, which means I get plenty 'me' time.

I occasionally get to go to the loo on my own. Does that count as me time? I find having two means they can play together, so in a way it helps. Obviously play can also mean fighting and screaming, but overall there is more good play than bad.

I have a baby and a 4 year old and I get a few hours "alone time" every other weekend...to do the housework while DH takes them to the park (we alternate)

My DM will also happily take the eldest for a day at the weekend (support bubble)

It's a bit hard to say because I've only ever had 2 children in 2020 so a lot of things have been shut.

Mine are just getting to the stage when they can play with/entertain each other for 10 minutes while I drink tea...only a few more years until I can tell them to go play in their room for a bit!

(and 2021! ...last year feels never ending)

We have 2 just 4 year olds. It’s better than 2 y/o and they will sometimes play for 15/20 mins before a major fight or starting something dangerous.
I’m happy to let the kids play themselves and try to encourage it. My husband needs more alone time but also encourages them all the time to play with him instead so it’s counter productive.
During this Christmas holiday period the kids have watched 20/30 mins tv once or twice a day and I don’t usually watch with them but use the time to do other stuff but husband watches tv with them which I think is pointless!

When they were young my time alone was my commute to/from work (went back when they were six months), when I was eg cooking at weekends (during week I had to do it with one or two children attached / in room) and occasional child-free trips to shop/library/church etc. And occasional evenings once they weren’t permanent attached to the breast! Rarely got more than 10-15 mins to just sit on my own.

But it gets better. Free preschool hours the term after they are 3 means time with just one of them - and if you are lucky enough to have a napper (I didn’t) then you may get time then. And as they get older they will play together sometimes so releasing you. Of course it depends on child but overall in the long run it is in my view easier with two (though depends on child - two of my DDs would definitely have been easier once they were age 1+; two of my DSs would not as much clingier and anxious).

Mine were in bed for 6-30 pm so then it was our time !

No, you get no me time. It's relentless. It's also wonderful but it's strange how something can be wonderful and relentless at the same time! I do get evenings: we've always been lucky/strict with bedtimes. If I didn't get those 4 hours in the evening I'd be a lot less sane

You sound like me and TBH this is one reason why we are sticking to one child

I have a 2 and 1 year old. They don't get out much beyond a walk and a trip to the park so I feel guilty they're missing out on groups and softplay trips. I don't get me time, I'm a mess and really should make some time for me though. Even on a night time when they're in bed I don't manage to achieve much cause I'm so tired. That being said, I wouldn't change it. We have so much fun during the day.

The only managed to get any time to myself was when my youngest started school, as I work part time. Even if I said to dh please look after the dc for half an hour, there would always be some sort of interruption from one of them. When they were little going to the supermarket in the evening alone was considered me time!