If you have two young kids do you ever get any "me" time?

[SebastianTheCrab]

DH and I have one toddler and it's just full on. I'm someone who needs a lot of downtime/alone time, I can't stand having to interact with people all day (even DH) and I have found the intensity and neediness of having a small child extremely difficult to be completely honest, especially as he gets up at 5am every day.

The way we cope, especially during lockdown, is taking turns throughout the day so the other can nap/work/have downtime. It's very fair and it gives us both respite. (We do also do have family time each day when we're all together). But even in normal times the rota would apply during weekends/after school because we get zero family help.

We're very on the fence about #2 (especially me). I just can see either/both of us not coping alone with two and/or each kid wanting a different parent, basically making our rota system impossible.

I've also noticed when I speak to my friends who have two kids on video calls they can make it maximum 10-15 minutes without their DH "accidentally" letting one and then both kids burst in and derail the convo followed by "apologetic" dad so we then have to end the call.

So my question is, if you have two kids do you get any alone time regularly - as in, on a daily basis? Just even half an hour to sit quietly and not be bothered during the day (not after kids are in bed).

What I would say is that, having 3 children, if DH has 2 of them and I just have 1 of them that feels like a break.

The one thing I wish I had realised about just having one child was how easy just having one child was.

To be fair, I wish I had realised how easy it was just having 2 before number 3 came along

My friend with 2 doesn’t really like her DH going out cycling that much anymore as she struggles with 2 on her own

I have a 2.5 yo and and a 10 month old. I get me time every day, mainly during their nap (i make them have a nap at the same time) and in the evening (they go to bed at 8pm).

But you are right in that it's reduced from having, of course you are more busy. You can still have your break though, the other parent just has to take them both which is fine.

The other thing is, now I have two, the times I am just looking after one feel like a relaxing break! Practically as relaxing as being alone!

Nope

Not every day, no. Unless you could time at work? I guess the drive to work is alone time. At weekends we make an effort to give each other some time out by one of us taking both out, but this is usually so the other one can work or clean rather than relax.

This is what CBeebies is for! I have a 5 and 2 year old. It gets easier when the oldest starts nursery/school as you get a bit more time out of the day.
You set them up playing with something, drawing or in front of tv and escape with a cup of tea! If you don't get them used to entertaining themselves for a little bit, you'll never get time, they will expect you to enable their play, creativity etc. And they will play together sometimes!

When our second cwas born, I was on maternity leave and first was in nursery 4 days a week, it was bliss! (I had a very sleepy newborn, so plenty of down time/time to keep on top of the house, I even watched some Netflix etc).
When second turned 9 months it all went out of the window. Feels like no down time since - I lost my job, reduced nursery sessions for eldest and cannot wait for him to start school this year

Well, yeah, when they're a baby you can't expect any alone time, but having two (especially close together has its benefits) mine are 5&3 and entertain eachother for hours. They've been up since 6:30 but me and Dh are still upstairs having a lie in (keeping an ear out obviously) and they've just been happily playing, giggling together in the younger ones room. They really are best of friends and life would be far harder if we just had one, as DD would require far more stimulation from us. Not saying we don't interact with our kids, but I couldn't imagine letting DD get up by herself and sit on her own for hours on a morning, she'd get bored, with the two of them they never seem lonely. We get plenty of downtime as the kids don't need us for their entertainment.

Mine are four and nine and alone time is still rare unless they both have an ipad in their hands.

Mine are 10 and 6. I don't get much alone time. Dp does as much as he can but he works shifts so often isn't here. If I'm not with children then I'm working. I cant get out for exercise alone for example because someone (me) needs to be here with the children. I can't phone a friend for a chat without probably being interrupted, or run a bath or read a book. My two are fairly demanding in different ways, even though they're getting older.

My alone time will be popping to the shops for an hour to run errands if dp is home.

Well my 6yo and 3yo are happily playing together downstairs while I'm allegedly showering but I'm MNtting instead. No downtime on working/school days unless TV is on, but weekends we do some time as a family and I usually get a couple of hours in the afternoon.

Currently, my almost 5yr old has started school, and 2 and a bit yr old still naps, so I get 1-1.5hrs after lunch. On weekends and holidays eldest gets tv during this time so it’s pretty sacrosanct. I can imagine once nap goes then this time will be tv time for both and still be a quiet time for everyone. Also DH and I will take turns at doing morning routine so that other can exercise, lie in, shower in peace. Also they now play together for periods, some more days than others, but it’s pretty common to get at least 30m in a day where they go off elsewhere and I get breathing space.

Still very full on though and I find that in an hour of peace, I need most of that to ‘decompress’, and it’s not enough to do something with. I also feel like my relationship has suffered for the sake of alone time, it’s more driven by DH and means a real sense of shift work at times, I’d like more time the 4 of us but he is far less into that and I resent that a bit.

I think take caution from people who say you get no me time. Everyone parents differently and every child is different, what was easier about having a 3 year old and a baby than just a baby for me was the baby didn't scream if I walked out the room (whilst strapped in a bouncer etc) because his brother was sat next to him, they are company for each other. Not that it gives you me time as you can't exactly leave them, but it makes it less "relentless" if you don't feel strapped to a baby. As they get older they play (and fight....)

I'm also not of the school of thought that a child needs undivided attention all the time. If you're the kind of parent who values time to yourself, in my experience you can work with your partner to get it.

The biggest risk I think is if you have a child with needs that require much more hands on parenting, be that medically or due to personality, not everything is within our control, but I wouldn't say 2 kids inevitably means you have no time in itself, that wasn't my experience.

The older one can mean you have a little helper who entertains younger one . I needed to do a job application once , I explained it to my 5 and 3 year olds , left them with play dough while I applied , an hour and a half uninterrupted time . I sent off application then we went swimming as a reward . Couldn’t have done that with one child of either age . I remember thinking I had more mental privacy after I had 2 cos of them entertaining each other . But the first few years were v v tough . It’s been better for them for social skills to have a sibling I believe and great for me now they re older to have 2 .

@Invisimamma are you really getting no time alone at all though at those ages? Mine are 10 and 6 and right now I'm in bed watching TV, DH is working away for 4 months, my kids are downstairs playing. My 10 year old brought me up orange juice, and they get themselves breakfast. I'm not exactly "alone" but I am getting downtime this Sunday morning!

God no. Basically one of us always has a child to deal with or 2 children if it's just one of us. I wldnt like to be outnumbered with 3!

It's so much more full on and stressful than I imagined. Was especially hard in the newborn days with very little sleep and active crazy toddler that doesn't care that I've had 2 hrs sleep all night.

We've just got though the first year. Sleep is better now but the days are full on mental! She's not just walking around but now attempting to run, climb, jump and is generally even more mental than my first and I didn't think that was possible.

What I find really hard is that I feel like I tidy and clean all the time and yet the house is a riot. Older one now pulls out a million different toys everyday. The little one is always spilling stuff, making crumbs and pulling stuff out the cupboards.

It is relentless 😂 I do wonder now why so many folk have 2-3yr gaps but maybe just doing what everyone does 🙈 I think having one in school and baby wld be gd for a bit less stress but age gap wldnt be ideal and wldnt have worked for us with childcare around work for so many years.

If you aren't sure about another then I wouldn't. I was sure I wanted another but even then it's mental. Fun but exhausting!

Only one friend said going from 1-2 is sooo hard (she then chipped in going from 2-3 is fine coz it's already mental and no time to urself so no change).

@Happynewtier

Well, yeah, when they're a baby you can't expect any alone time, but having two (especially close together has its benefits) mine are 5&3 and entertain eachother for hours. They've been up since 6:30 but me and Dh are still upstairs having a lie in (keeping an ear out obviously) and they've just been happily playing, giggling together in the younger ones room. They really are best of friends and life would be far harder if we just had one, as DD would require far more stimulation from us. Not saying we don't interact with our kids, but I couldn't imagine letting DD get up by herself and sit on her own for hours on a morning, she'd get bored, with the two of them they never seem lonely. We get plenty of downtime as the kids don't need us for their entertainment.

This! My boys are 8 and 6, it was more difficult when they were really young to get any time for myself, but honestly they spend so much time playing together - that's when I tend to have me time now! And it does get much easier as they get older. Sometimes I'll go sit with them thinking I haven't chilled with them much that day and they'll ask me if I want to go chill in my bedroom so they can play in peace

Very rarely, even more rare now their dad has decided he and his girlfriend are 'extremely worried' about covid and won't be seeing them for the foreseeable

@shallbe I suppose there is more downtime than when they were little, but there no 'me' time where I can get on with something entirely for myself without anticipating being interrupted, so I just don't bother.

My youngest is still really hard work, and seeks almost constant input into whatever he is doing. But this morning I did have a nap on the sofa whilst he watched TV as it was very early, but then he woke me to make his breakfast then he wanted to play a board game, now he's drawing but he'll keep asking me to look at what he's doing.

But I couldn't for example choose to meet a friend or go out to exercise because someone needs to be here for the children even though they're older.

After the youngest hit one, we got pretty strict about scheduling in alternate weekend morning each (he goes riding and I go running) with both need the headspace (and exercise), also used screen time very strictly get the time I need to prep food etc. I REALLY miss commuting to work and this was my time for staring into space. But no not as you mean.

I’ve found it has started to get a bit easier with mine who are now nearly 2 and 41/2. I’m sure lockdown made it feel much harder so not sure how I’d have felt under normal circs but i found two much harder than one.

I really missed losing the nap as a break. I felt I had to give the older one attention and 1:1 time during naps as it was often carnage when both of them were together. I also find that they tend to bicker which is exhausting but also tag team wakings of a night. We can have nights of uninterrupted sleep but it seems like they both choose the same night to be up or unsettled.

They are now getting to a point through where they’ll play together for a bit before arguing and can play independently. Life also feels calmer when we do things separately on a 1:1 basis. It’s quite nice taking my 4yo to the pub or a cafe for example and she’s becoming quite good company.

I wouldn't do it if you feel like that.I stuck with one as I felt the same and its the best decision I've made.Ds is nearly 7 and things are so much easier now.

@Invisimamma yes I'm not getting out on my own much atm with DH working away, I haven't napped on the sofa in the morning in years though! I've let the kids get up (after 7) for a long time now, and they can get their own breakfast at this age.