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Is anyone up I feel at breaking point and overwhelmed with guilt

106 replies

Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 00:22

Just that really. I feel above everything else that I'm being a shit mother to my 4.5 year old. I'm so snappy with him. He talks constantly and I can't bear it. Today he said mummy so many times that eventually I just went fgs what is it NOW and he burst into tears because all he'd wanted was to give me a cuddle and a kiss. I felt horrendous. His school will now be closed so he will be at home, both dh and I wfh in a flat with no outdoor space and I am also carer to a relative with a chronic illness. I feel I am pouring from an empty cup. I have no energy for work. I can't think of meals or cope with tidying up or cleaning.

I feel overwhelmed and can't see it getting better

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 02/01/2021 01:55

You are only human, and it's ok for your DC to have seen you acting like one, provided you said sorry and reassured them

This.

Also you may 'only' be working part-time, but you are a carer too and I know from experience that that is fucking hard work. The time, the brain space and the emotional processing it takes up is exhausting. Then you have the Covid factor - worry about protecting yourself and them and the impact it had on support services.
I'm caring for elderly parents and have a pretty self sufficient 16yo and it's almost breaking me, I can't imagine how tough it must be with a small child.

Could your DH take a day or two off work so that you can a/ have a bit of downtime and b/ contact the relevant agencies and see if you can get any extra support put in place?

And to those posters who are beating the OP when she's already down - do fuck off, and maybe see if you can get some empathy.

Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 01:59

italiangreyhound thank you Flowers

And thank you to everyone else who has been kind I so appreciate it

I also don't sleep which I'm sure doesn't help

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 02/01/2021 02:00

Don't feel terrible. Kids are such hard work at that age....to be honest, mine are teens and tweens and it's like they're still 4 at times.

I want to shout LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE every single day if I'm honest.

There's always one of them wanting something from me they could do themselves. I'm not talking about hugs...but "What can I eat?" and "I'm bored..."

SO WHAT!

Sorry. Your post seems to have started me up! Grin

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

JoyousSealion · 02/01/2021 02:01

@Saylethewayles

Give him a hug and tell him you get tired sometimes too.

That's just what I did, I sat him down and said mummy was wrong to shout, mummy just gets tired and sad sometimes but I always love him very much

You apologised, you showed him you were sorry, you had a cuddle. Don't be so hard on yourself. Ignore @bashfulclam and their unnecessary criticism, clearly they can't read and see that you're feeling guilty enough already. Apologising when you did something wrong and then making it up afterwards with a cuddle is what a parent should do when they do something wrong. Your kid will understand that. hugs please be kind to yourself. Can you get away for an hour or so some evenings? Go for a walk on your own or something whilst DH does bath and story time or something? Good luck.
AbbieLexie · 02/01/2021 02:03

Flowers its not a normal behaviour for you. You've acknowledged to your child it was wrong and apologised. Flowers New day tomorrow. You've a lot on your plate. I make a list the night before of what I need to do and some things I would like to achieve if possible. Be kind to yourself.

CormoranStrike · 02/01/2021 02:05

@Saylethewayles

So did you have a kiss and a cuddle?

Yes immediately, i felt terrible

Please don’t beat yourself up any more.

We’ve all had episodes like this; we’ve all snapped, or been exhausted, or had low weeks etc.

Please hug him and play with him and the love bombing will make him forget.

And arrange with DH so that you get at least a few hours on your own every weekend - just cos you work part time doesn’t mean you have to be superwoman. You are human, not perfect.

PodgeBod · 02/01/2021 02:11

I hope you're feeling a bit better now OP. It is hard at the moment. And its just been Christmas and if your house is anything like mine, routines and normality isn't back yet. My own 4 year old was in hysterical tears today because I accidentally ripped the bit of paper that came in her kinder egg (not even the toy itself!). Be kind to yourself, your little one still loves you completely and has probably already forgotten all about it

allthewaterinthetap · 02/01/2021 02:11

I think it's much harder when you have sensory problems to have kids off school and husband lurking around the house. Drives me insane.

groovergirl · 02/01/2021 02:21

OP, you're a lovely mum. You did the right thing and modelled good behaviour when you apologised. We all snap sometimes, and you quickly recovered your cool, so don't be hard on yourself.

If I were you I'd put his talkative nature to good use. How's his reading? Can he read you stories while you have a lie down? Or sit with you in bed and make up stories to entertain you? It could be the making of him. (I foresee a future comedian or chat show host Wink)

Now, go the eff to sleep!

Pyewhacket · 02/01/2021 02:30

I find it helps to get out in the fresh air. If you can take junior for a walk you can make it into a mini adventure for him. I also keep a journal and write down exactly how I feel. It’s for my eyes only so I’m brutally honest with myself. I’m also NHS critical care so I’m taking notes as I want to write a book about all this from a frontline experience. It’s tough for lots of people, you’re not alone. Give your boy a cuddle and let him know he’s loved.

longdarkwinter · 02/01/2021 02:31

OP I remember being stressed about snapping at one of my dc when they were that age.
An experienced play therapist on the team I worked in told me that it was the repair that matters not the rupture.
You did a good repair so don't worry too much.
It is very normal human behavior.

mathanxiety · 02/01/2021 02:40

I do say (nicely I hope) that sometimes mummy needs him to be quiet but its like he has to tell me every single thing that's in his head at all times

He is at such a difficult age. Still not quite at the point where he fully appreciates that you and he are separate human beings and that you have your own thoughts and the need to finish them and focus on your own work, but at the same time fully verbal, and inclined to go on and on about stuff that is only significant to him, and repeat interactive games until you are tearing your hair out and climbing the walls. Playing by himself for long stretches may be a challenge. Children around this age with siblings often spend a lot of time squabbling and fighting. It's tough.

Don't worry about snapping at him, @Saylethewayles.
You are allowed to state your needs forcefully every so often. You reconnected afterwards, and hopefully he came away reassured that all is ok.

Any mother who says she's never yelled at her child has to be a liar IMO. Or a robot!
That constant stream of consciousness, verbalising every single thought can drive you batty.
We've all had that moment when your head explodes and you find yourself snapping/shouting.
YYY to that.
Don't set unrealistic standards for yourself, OP.

Try to state your needs consistently though, as it will benefit you all if he gets to the point where he can play independently and develop his ability to concentrate on an activity.

Give him a pep talk about people needing their own space as well as the feeling of connection, and maybe try to establish a set routine to his days so that you can rely on some quiet time when you don't feel so bombarded. He won't feel rejected if you ask him not to follow you around, probably more relieved that you have organised his whereabouts for him. For instance, tell him you're going to have a cup of tea in the kitchen and you would like him to stay in the sitting room and draw pictures of zoo animals while you have it. Thank him for staying put.

Could you and your H find some age appropriate interactive learning sites he might enjoy, that would keep him occupied for a stretch of about two hours (with breaks) in the morning and another two hours in the afternoon? Try to get out for another set amount of time.

It is important that your H, regardless of his job and its demands, takes part in the daily parenting. Being a partner isn't only about providing an income, and don't fall into the trap of believing that bringing home the bacon absolves him of the requirement to support you as his co-parent and as his partner. You need daily uninterrupted time that is completely 'off duty' to spend a while inside your own head.

Try to set a little time each weekend for actual time off for you.

Try to do week-long or even two week-long meal plans too - the burden of deciding what's for dinner every day, then cooking it and clearing up afterwards sucks the joy right out of life.

I think counseling would be a good idea, but your sleeping problems may indicate you need to see your GP. Melatonin might offer a solution, or anti-anxiety meds.

PerseverancePays · 02/01/2021 02:56

I also had children who if they had their eyes open then they would be talking, non stop all day. The mummy, mummy, mummy refrain I basically trained out of them but it was very hard. It was very intense for a few days when I was teaching them that they were only to say mummy once and then wait for me to look at them and then they could say their thing. Now I’m doing the same thing with my equally chatty grandchildren.
One of the things I found most helpful was when we came in from outdoors they had to go to their rooms and play quietly for twenty minutes and they weren’t allowed to talk to me or to each other. Total life saver. Sometimes one would have to have the kitchen timer in with her while she waited for the twenty minutes to be up, but she soon got used to it. I did it from the time they were three. The endless talking; it was the most exhausting thing. I feel for you.
I had a fairly solid routine as well, I found it less tiring than not having one.
You are not intentionally giving your child a hard time,;occasionally things are not optimal, (normal) but from what you write , in the balance of things you are providing him with a loving, safe home and
that makes you a great mum. Give yourself a break, and a hug.

ScienceSensibility · 02/01/2021 03:01

@Saylethewayles

Why are people telling me I shouldn't be snapping at my child and I need to find a way to cope

Do you not think I know that it is the reason why I have posted. Why else would I post

Do some people just get a kick out of making people who are already at rock bottom feeling even worse.how is it helpful.

Fuck em OP! Don’t let them get to you, there are far more posters empathising with you and recognising where you are!

This won’t have done your child one iota of harm, so don’t dwell on it.

Think about tomorrow and small steps you can take to feel better. You count too.

Twistered · 02/01/2021 03:14

Do some people just get a kick out of making people who are already at rock bottom feeling even worse.how is it helpful

Yes op sadly on MN they do.
Ignore them
You're human Flowers

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 02/01/2021 03:33

Wow so many judgemental and oerfect parents ok here lets see how many of you make it through the teenage years without snapping at your kids
OP you apologised and you gave him the affection immediately .it does seem like your overwhelmed so anything you can do to reduce load / stress may help , can dh do couple evenings where you get time to yourself ?
Everything is so much harder now with is all being confined in as well.
Also if you need help from gp or anyone def ask for it

Yummymummy2020 · 02/01/2021 04:18

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, this is an awful time and you need a bit of time out. Your hands are tied with bubbles and childcare, but are you getting any little bit of time purely for just you? Like a half an hour for a bath or even a walk alone with some music? It’s so so important and can help a ton with stress from young kids in this. You have a lot on your plate, you need to mind you to mind others. And working part time isn’t easy either you have a lot of responsibilities outside of work too so don’t feel crap!

NewYearsEveWedding · 02/01/2021 07:27

Much love to you OP. Some horrible responses on here.

Our children learn a lot from us, including the less-than-perfect things. My DD knows about my miscarriages, she saw me a bit scared giving birth prematurely to DS (even though she was prem too), but she saw me learn things from hospital. She told me just yesterday that it was great that the doctors taught me how to look after him.

I’ve been snappy with DD, had no patience with her, I shouted just this week at her. Parenting is bloody hard. But she saw me apologise, I tried to explain how I was feeling (exhausted with newborn DS) and that I’d try harder. She knows how much I love her. As does your DS.

Your son will learn from you too, especially when you apologise. My Dad used to shout at me, but I don’t remember him ever saying sorry, or explaining things to me. There’s a huge difference between the two.

Again, much love to you. Guess we can’t all be perfect parents like some on here......

spaceghetto · 02/01/2021 07:36

I went to bed feeling exactly the same. I came up with a list of things we could do tomorrow and have made sure we have outside time as that makes us all better. You are not a bad mum, the time we are living in is stressful and scary and it's tough having no time to process your own thoughts and feelings without having endless requests from dc on top. You had a blip, highlighted it to ds and moved on, don't dwell on it or beat yourself up about it.

Twickerhun · 02/01/2021 07:41

I also went to bed feeling exactly the same after I snapped at my 4 year old.

Today is a new day. Be kind to yourself.Flowers

Emeeno1 · 02/01/2021 07:47

God I would love to be inside the heads of people writing, 'it's never ok to snap at a child'! Really? What level of self-deception makes you think you never lose your temper, say or do the wrong thing, make bad choices, have a bad day, get stressed or find it hard to cope with a situation.

Because you are either a liar or an automaton or insufferably self-righteous. All far worse traits than being an overwhelmed parent who snapped.

Heymumma29 · 02/01/2021 08:07

Can I just jump on here quickly and tell you what an incredible mum you are? Please don’t beat yourself up for snapping, we all do it and this year, far too often I can imagine.. (apart from those on this thread who evidently shit roses while living in their diamond motherhood mansions Hmm).. It’s perfectly normal to get overwhelmed at times, especially being in such a confined space while you are both trying to work. My daughter is 3 and it’s near impossible to work from home with her, she absolutely hates not having my attention 24/7 and will happily communicate that as soon as I get my laptop out. Definitely agree with the others, fresh air does us wonders even if it is just 20mins riding her bike around the estate. If you need to take a moment in the bathroom to take a deep breath and count to 10, then do it.. honestly, mental health is so important at the moment too so remember to give yourself that little processing space if necessary.

Seriously though, please do not beat yourself up. Your son will not be scarred forever because you shout occasionally, it’s NORMAL and anyone who says it isn’t can get to fuck Grin He will remember the amazing cuddle afterwards and the love you are continuing to show him. When he is older you can look back and know you did the best job possible under the circumstances xx

Sunnysideup999 · 02/01/2021 08:42

Please know that you are not alone, and we all snap sometimes. It’s fine - you’re human!
I have a 4 year old and 5 year old and it’s relentless and draining and suffocating . The endless talking, asking, questions, wanting, cooking, cleaning, laundry, serving... I often want to scream and scream or run away. Mine both like to talk non stop and sometimes I have to put headphones on and explain that I need 20 mins quiet time. Do what you have to do to get through this.
I also some times go for 30 min lie down in a quiet room - and just put the TV on for them. It’s not perfect but it helps.

NoToMisogyny · 02/01/2021 09:09

Please remember OP, all we need to be is ‘good enough’ mothers/ parents. This hectoring other mothers for all-too-human and universal moments of frustration is beyond shitty. Personally I wouldn’t want my children seeing me indulging in THAT kind of behaviour as I feel it would be much more damaging.

At every other point in history, parents ranted and raved, hit their children etc etc and yes we’ve changed for the better in many ways, but an over-obsession with parenting isn’t healthy either. Children are resilient and the most important thing is that they know you love them.

Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 11:45

Thank you all for your lovely comments. I did manage to get some sleep and we are having a chilled morning - had a bath together with one of his bath bombs (he loves them) and now doing one of the craft kits he got for Christmas. Will do a walk later.

I still have my head in the sand about work really and panic every time I think about it but baby steps.

OP posts:
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