Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is anyone up I feel at breaking point and overwhelmed with guilt

106 replies

Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 00:22

Just that really. I feel above everything else that I'm being a shit mother to my 4.5 year old. I'm so snappy with him. He talks constantly and I can't bear it. Today he said mummy so many times that eventually I just went fgs what is it NOW and he burst into tears because all he'd wanted was to give me a cuddle and a kiss. I felt horrendous. His school will now be closed so he will be at home, both dh and I wfh in a flat with no outdoor space and I am also carer to a relative with a chronic illness. I feel I am pouring from an empty cup. I have no energy for work. I can't think of meals or cope with tidying up or cleaning.

I feel overwhelmed and can't see it getting better

OP posts:
Original poster
Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 00:55

I feel like I want to quit my job yes but I am worried I will regret it and I feel so ungrateful as I am so lucky to have secure work and a flexible employer

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 02/01/2021 00:55

Honestly? At 4 I think he needs to not talk constantly- and I’d teach him when you put your hand up- palm towards him in a “stop” gesture- it means he needs to stop talking. It’s a very helpful aid when you’re on the phone or with someone and your child is noisy or saying something out of turn. It’s quite an effective thing for him to learn that constant talking isn’t always welcome- and at 4 he is more than capable. It’s okay to need some peace and not be talked at constantly. He won’t be broken by this and actually did he really need to tell you that right at that moment? Probably not.
New day tomorrow. Make a game of the hand gesture thing. Look at getting small chunks of me time for your own health like walking with child on a scooter so you can have some space and walk at a decent pace. Or a nice bath at night with wine.

Original poster
Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 00:56

I do say (nicely I hope) that sometimes mummy needs him to be quiet but its like he has to tell me every single thing that's in his head at all times

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
HunkyPunk · 02/01/2021 00:59

Op, don't fret. The fact that you apologised to your ds and gave him a cuddle and told him you loved him will have had a far greater impact than you momentarily snapping at him.

If I'm feeling overwhelmed by things, I always find it helps to write a list of what needs doing and maybe a rough timetable. I don't always stick rigidly to it, but writing everything down means I don't have to keep it all swirling round in my head, if that makes sense!

changingnamesandkeepingsane · 02/01/2021 00:59

You are living under difficult circumstances. If the worst to come out of this is him finding the biting point of his mother's frustration then I think he's doing ok.

You are a human with emotions, and frustrations. You are not a machine and it would be a disservice to raise him to think you are.

Give yourself a break

babbi · 02/01/2021 01:02

Give yourself a break OP.
You’re exhausted and drained ... one little snap is not going to damage your boy ...
You’ve cuddled him and he is much loved .

We have all had moments as mothers. !
We are human and not perfect .

Be kind to yourself and get some sleep and try to rest when you can .

Take care x

Isadora2007 · 02/01/2021 01:02

its like he has to tell me every single thing that's in his head at all times
Yes but he needs to learn he doesn’t. School won’t appreciate a child who think everyone needs to hear what’s inside their head. Cute when he’s a toddler perhaps but he’s a preschooler now. So it needs to stop.

Brinn · 02/01/2021 01:05

They need to learn eventually that a constant stream of words affects people! Sure, you would have picked a different time/method to teach that, but it's okay. You can talk about it with him. You sound like a good person, this is fine. We all snap sometimes. People who don't probably have even more disturbing problems.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 02/01/2021 01:06

I’ve two very energetic and loud boys. They’re fine now but when they were younger, I did find it all very, very overwhelming at times.
My tips are to make a routine - get up, plan an active morning activity (run round the park, splash in puddles etc etc) - basically burn off a lot of his energy. Home by lunchtime, in the afternoon, read him books for one hour, then do creative play eg play dough, Lego’s or whatever then TV for one to two hours whilst you make dinner etc. Dinner then bath then bed. Break it into chunks. Boys definitely need to be exercised daily.

larlypops · 02/01/2021 01:06

It’s normal to have times like that and I’ve snapped at mine before, I’m only human. We have a cuddle and I’m open, sorry mummy was feeling ....... because ....... same if mine have a tantrum I tell them it’s ok if they’re feeling ..... and we talk about it.
Times are hard right now take each day as it comes, try get out daily for a walk, dance with your LO in the living room, try and get enough sleep. Hugs

Mistlewoeandwhine · 02/01/2021 01:06

Also tell your DH to take a day off work, take your son out for the whole day and you can lie in bed. You sound exhausted.

Hill1991 · 02/01/2021 01:08

@BashfulClam

I’m being realistic. This is a 4 year old and yes the OP is bloody shattered but snapping at him to the point it made him cry isn’t helping him or her. He feels scared and she feels like shite. It’s made everything worse for her. If you feel like that you need to take control of your impatience and remember that being snappy hurt and upset both of you. I remember that feeling! Can you ask your GP for help, is there a care plan in place for the relative you help? I think you need help in so s way as you can’t keep going like this feeling trapped with too much to handle
Oh please everyone shouts at their child at some point in there life OP immediately apologised and cuddled her son, no lasting damage done he's 4 will not even remember it.
Cleverpolly3 · 02/01/2021 01:10

@BashfulClam

You need to take a deep breath before snapping at him. Think how that must have felt for a little child, I’m sorry you feel overwhelmed but don’t take that out on a child. My dad had no patience and that kind of snapping has affected both me and my brother later in life. I have no confidence and cannot stand up for myself for fear of making people angry.
Whilst I agree with your observations in terms of what general long term parenting like this does to a child I think you are being unfair to transfer that to this thread. Snapping once at a child is not remotely the same thing as what you endured. Sorry but it isn’t. The OP’s remorse is further evidence of that.

@Saylethewayles

These are testing and difficult times. Who is anyone else to say what you should or shouldn’t feel. You have been brave and insightful enough to identify you are struggling.
I think you need to take a project management approach to this. What are must do things every day.
Find time to do something just between the two of you so this way you son knows you have taken on board how this affected him. Make some time out time my eldest likes this he can talk to me about anything and everything.
Get out for some fresh air if you can perhaps incorporate learning
Take a break when DH gets in . I’m a single parent so don’t have this but you do so work together.

Above all though don’t beat yourself up for this incident.
All parents make mistakes

Cleverpolly3 · 02/01/2021 01:11

@changingnamesandkeepingsane

You are living under difficult circumstances. If the worst to come out of this is him finding the biting point of his mother's frustration then I think he's doing ok.

You are a human with emotions, and frustrations. You are not a machine and it would be a disservice to raise him to think you are.

Give yourself a break

Couldn’t agree more
Original poster
Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 01:12

School won’t appreciate a child who think everyone needs to hear what’s inside their head.

He hardly says a word at school, his teacher didn't believe he was so chatty at home

I was the same as a kid. Silent at school but bent my mother's ear at home

OP posts:
Original poster
Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 01:13

Thank you for all your kindness. I am looking into getting some zoom counselling. I had counselling before when I first had DS and had PND and found it really helpful.

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 02/01/2021 01:16

I think it's really important to remember that it's perfectly okay to tell your child to go and play alone for a while, for a set time. Use the TV, a tablet, anything to give you a bit of peace.

This isn't normal times, when it's impossible to get him outside somewhere to burn off energy it's perfectly fine to let him whittle time away at a screen or in his room

Energised · 02/01/2021 01:16

I am sorry but it's not okay to snap at a child because they are doing the norm, you are obviously over doing it and need to step back, because you are overloading and it's unacceptable to take it out of your child. We now as parents are left in unpredictable situations and as a parent myself i understand but it's not your child's fault, and next time before u snap count to ten and think cause at the end of the day a four year old is not responsible for mummy snapping, mummy is and mummy is old enough not to put herself or her child in a situation where mummy has to say sorry, I do hope that u find an alternative to snapping as this lock down isn't over yet.

moomin11 · 02/01/2021 01:17

OP I feel for you, you are not a terrible mum for snapping at your child - you are human. You felt awful immediately and clearly still do, you told him you were sorry and explained why you were struggling. It sounds like you have a very close relationship and that is something to be treasured but it can also feel quite intense at times - my DD wants me 24/7 she is my little buddy, but at times it can feel claustrophobic now that we are home together so much and can't do what we used to. Can you get any additional support for your caring responsibilities? Can your DH help out a bit more? Just because you work part time it doesn't mean you can't ask for help - if you are struggling he should want to help, you are in this together x

StormcloakNord · 02/01/2021 01:18

Also I shudder to think what Mumsnet would have been like in the 60s when all parents actually did was shout at their kids and tell them to get outside Grin

pandora206 · 02/01/2021 01:18

Maybe try encouraging some imaginative play, such as using small worlds materials - animals, people, sand, water, blocks, vehicles, puppets. This would involve vocalising to the characters rather than to you, and would be a good way of channeling his need to communicate. It is quite possible that he is lonely with current restrictions and is missing having others with whom to play.

Original poster
Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 01:19

Why are people telling me I shouldn't be snapping at my child and I need to find a way to cope

Do you not think I know that it is the reason why I have posted. Why else would I post

Do some people just get a kick out of making people who are already at rock bottom feeling even worse.how is it helpful.

OP posts:
lavenderlove · 02/01/2021 01:19

You're not a bad mum, a bad mum wouldn't be feeling guilty! I know exactly what you mean when they just talk constantly, actually feels like my brain is buzzing! Don't feel bad about grabbing him a snack and putting tv on/giving ipad etc if you start to feel overwhelmed. It's better for both of you if you get that bit of chill/quiet time

StormcloakNord · 02/01/2021 01:20

Also to everyone saying "it's not okay to snap at a child" the nicest thing you could do on a thread like this is fuck the fuck off, in all honesty.

OP knows it was shit, the kid is fine, he's not going to grow up traumatised cause he yapped his mums ear off for an hour and she snapped.

All you're doing is rubbing salt in the wound and you know fine well you are. Take your pearls, and go away. Far away.

Original poster
Saylethewayles · 02/01/2021 01:20

I should say my DH does loads but it is difficult because we are in such a small space that its quite hard to actually have time apart even when one of us is with DS iyswim

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread