Is anyone up I feel at breaking point and overwhelmed with guilt

[Saylethewayles]

Just that really. I feel above everything else that I'm being a shit mother to my 4.5 year old. I'm so snappy with him. He talks constantly and I can't bear it. Today he said mummy so many times that eventually I just went fgs what is it NOW and he burst into tears because all he'd wanted was to give me a cuddle and a kiss. I felt horrendous. His school will now be closed so he will be at home, both dh and I wfh in a flat with no outdoor space and I am also carer to a relative with a chronic illness. I feel I am pouring from an empty cup. I have no energy for work. I can't think of meals or cope with tidying up or cleaning.

I feel overwhelmed and can't see it getting better

Good lord I have no idea what the people berating OP on this thread think they are achieving. OP really don't beat yourself up, it happens to most parents as we are human beings. Messing up and apologising is actually teaching your child something, it's not something to hate yourself for. It is very difficult circumstances at the moment. Go easy on yourself xxx

Oh I empathise OP I’ve done the same myself. I’m a single parent and my dd won’t sleep on her own so I feel like I have zero time for myself! Will your ds settle to an activity? Lego, colouring etc? My dd would do those things herself but I hated all the imaginative play with sodding dolls 😆. This stage does pass and now when I explain I need 5 mins peace she’s old enough to amuse herself for a while.

I think most parents are guilty of the same thing. Forgive yourself and move on.

My heart goes out to you. you sound absolutely exhausted. I too have been in a similar situation but without the extra intense complications of Covid. These are extremely stressful times and we are all human. There are 6570 days in 18 years so one little snap or loss of patience on one day is not going to be remembered. Please try to be kind to yourself. I know people won't agree but I would be buying a kids tablet and headphones for when you really just need a break. Load it up with Jolly phonics songs, writing and maths apps, Number Jacks and educational programs. I did this with my child and it helped so much in school. Also I used to let him sit in the EMPTY bath with just a tub of water and some squeezy bath toys or you could get some bath chalks. I'd let them mess around and then just have a quick bath and change. I also had a small indoor trampoline, a quiet one, he'd burn off a lot of energy on that and was much calmer. I also used to get him to help with chores. Things like sorting laundry, tidying etc. I often used earplugs just to cut down on the noise levels. I have heard of ear plugs that are used for tinnitus that reduce sound and help you feel calmer. One last thing check that you are taking time to eat. I have zero patience when I'm hungry. I hope it get better for you soon.

@StormcloakNord

Also to everyone saying "it's not okay to snap at a child" the nicest thing you could do on a thread like this is fuck the fuck off, in all honesty.

OP knows it was shit, the kid is fine, he's not going to grow up traumatised cause he yapped his mums ear off for an hour and she snapped.

All you're doing is rubbing salt in the wound and you know fine well you are. Take your pearls, and go away. Far away.

Quite right

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have sensory issues from ADHD and PTSD and I've found some things that help.
I was beating myself up and crying my eyes out over snapping at my little one a few weeks ago, I talked it through with my counsellor and she said even she does it sometimes, that nobody handles situations the perfect way they want to.
She said that one way I could reduce my low frustration tolerance at the time was to increase my self-care, to refill that cup that's so empty. She had to tell me the same thing a week later because I got off Skype and never found time to really do anything, but after I finally focused on spending about half an hour every couple of days on self-care (even stupid things like practising deep breathing in the shower) I started to feel better.
Another thing she showed me was called a butterfly hug, I suggest you look it up, it interrupts your fight-or-flight and gets your thinking brain back online.
I really recommend Yoga Nidra as well, I discovered it when I had PND and it's great, you basically go through every muscle in your body and consciously relax them, you can do it silently while you're in bed and you don't need to move at all. There are Youtube videos showing how to do it.
Sending you an un-mumsnetty hug and I hope you feel better soon.

I have been that parent, snappy and overtired with a clingy toddler. He is now 11 and a funny sensitive and loving kid who asks me of I'd like a cup of tea sometimes and we have fun projects together. Still my shadow but no harm done from occasional gripe on my part when he was small. There was always more love as I'm sure there is for you. It'll be alright x

You sound like me. And no, it's not that great and I feel shitty a lot. My son's the same age and I have sensory issues too. He is incredibly loud and wants attention all. the. time. And the truth is that I am human and I get annoyed with it 14 hours a day non-stop. I don't know the answer but I definitely get it.

He does have a tablet. By christ I could not live without that!!!

I do have ADHD which is a major contributing factor to my irritability. I have been trying more and more to just remove myself from him when I can sense my patience is running out but he tends to just follow me and I dont want him to feel rejected

Don't feel bad - being snapped at by your mum is character-building! He'll have forgotten all about it five minutes later.

I agree that lots of walking outside really helps. Frequent, short, brisk walks are best.
Crayons and plenty of paper to draw everything he saw on the walk can help to reduce the need for constant talking.
Talking books, music/ songs on whatever device you have using headphones can buy you half an hour of peace.
Eating lunch and snacks together and chatting during this time works too.
Having a routine and a timetable with blocks of different activities is calming. If you can negotiate with your employer that you will have to do your work in short blocks over the week that could take the pressure off.
Your dh will have to step up and parent while you care for your relative.
If relative is shielding and you are the carer, you can get all the shopping delivered to one household, get their medicines delivered too.
My friend is a carer for 2 family members. He gets one big delivery of everything to his house, wipes and sorts everything into separate boxes and drops it to the relatives. It saves him hours and the supermarket only does one delivery.
A slow cooker is a great help too.

@Saylethewayles if you have ADHD too, another thing that has enormously helped me is putting earplugs in. You can still hear stuff through them, I can still hear people talking etc, but they really take the edge off when you get auditory overload. I just get cheap ones from the supermarket.

I do have ear defenders which I find helpful

Explaining makes a big difference.

Doing what my mother did, which is losing her shit and going ape and then it all being "forgotten" was not the right way.

Sitting them down, saying sorry and explaining that we all get tired and pissed off and that it doesnt mean you love him less makes a massive difference. Its what I did with my kids as I didnt want them to have the experience I did, and thats what you are doing.

He knows you love him even when you are snappy and pissed off, thats good. My kids know that too. And you know what? Brady Bunch Mummy is unsustainable, we all have bad days and its no bad thing that children realise that!

Mine also has a tablet which does keep him amused but that's more guilt! It's the only way I can bet anything done, though, he will follow me to the toilet, everywhere ....

I always think small boys are a little like dogs. They need to be taken out and ran every day. They need to expend energy and get fresh air otherwise they get bored and start chewing things and barking 😁

And when I'm walking my dog I'm looking at my phone and not paying attention all the time (13 years does that to you!) so it's easier than being in the house. You could do similar maybe? Adding things like "show mummy how fast you can run to the tree!" Etc. He's probably bored snd needs some exercise. And I know hubby works full time but he could take him put and do boy stuff on the weekend for half a day while you recharge. You aren't supposed to work 16 hour days seven days a week regardless of how much your financial contribution is.

I have been known to lock myself in the loo for longer than is necessary as its the only room he can't get into!

If you have ADHD he might have it too?

Definitely as much time outdoors as possible. It's not possible for someone to wfh properly in a flat with a small child there.

I think that even though you are looking after a vulnerable relative you still need some support. Do you have a friend with similar age child? Take turns to have the boys - even if it's trip to the park?

@BashfulClam

I’m being realistic. This is a 4 year old and yes the OP is bloody shattered but snapping at him to the point it made him cry isn’t helping him or her. He feels scared and she feels like shite. It’s made everything worse for her. If you feel like that you need to take control of your impatience and remember that being snappy hurt and upset both of you. I remember that feeling! Can you ask your GP for help, is there a care plan in place for the relative you help? I think you need help in so s way as you can’t keep going like this feeling trapped with too much to handle

You are one fucking nasty

I think he definitely shares some of my adhd traits though he's already a lot more methodical with more focus than I am. I'm really slapdash and can't concentrate on anything.

But he definitely has the over talking and he also has some sensory issues around noise.

Re "Give him a hug and tell him you get tired sometimes too.

That's just what I did, I sat him down and said mummy was wrong to shout, mummy just gets tired and sad sometimes but I always love him very much"

Perfect.

OP Please ignore any people who are making you feel worse. (That includes me but I just wanted to share one thing....)

I read this parenting site today and it has a lovely message.

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/unconditional_love_parent_mistake

You don't need to read it all, but the main thing is every time we make a mistake as a parent (and I do it all the time) we can use it as a chance to model something nice/good/great/developmental etc.

So if/when it happens again you can just say to DS you're sorry you snap and you are we all get cross sometimes and it's best to just say sorry etc.

Plus it will get better because as your ds gets older he will be better able to cope with time on his own, amusing himself etc. I don't mean to wish away his young years but I mean that some of this stuff does get easier (and again if this is not helpful, please ignore).

XX

Any mother who says she's never yelled at her child has to be a liar IMO. Or a robot!
That constant stream of consciousness, verbalising every single thought can drive you batty.
We've all had that moment when your head explodes and you find yourself snapping/shouting. And then you feel awful.
I promise this will fade into a non event.
You're a good mum and suffering from the curse of mother guilt.
Please forgive yourself. Your child will have done.
Anything you can do to cut corners atm, just bloody do it.
You snapped because you're stretched so thin. You apologised and reassured him you love him.
He's ok.

PS my dd is on the autistic spectrum and had issues around scenary things like clothes. That has also got better with time.

sensory...

Op most mums snap. It’s human especially under stress. You sound like a very caring mum trying her best. Kids forgive very easily. Just be loving and caring but don’t beat yourself up if sometimes you shout, cry, get fed up, want to be alone. It’s normal.
Get help from your OH if you have one. Get out every day somewhere for a walk or to the playground even if just for 20 mins. Get some good films on tv via Netflix or similar.
You can do this, one day at a time