I don’t have any friends. Do you and how did you make them?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I do have loved ones. I have my beautiful 3 kids and love my husband very much. I have a life long bestie who is like a sister and I talk to her every day, but she lives 2 hours away, so Covid aside, I only physically see her a couple of times a year. I have another school friend I talk to on the phone once a week, and a couple of other text based relationships. So I’m not completely alone but it’s not friends and physical in person contact is it?
I’m home with the baby and probably won’t return to work. While I am truly appreciative of my good fortune in this, it doesn’t lend itself to friendship with other 40 year olds. I take classes for interest etc, everyone else is much older retirees. They are lovely to chat to, but not a lot in common at such different life stages. Other Mums are much, much younger on average where I live.

My children don’t attend the local school, so their school friends are not nearby. My older kids are at the age where play dates are drop off and arranged by the kids, not easy to strike up a chat in that 2 minute window.

I talk to anyone I can- sidelines at kids sports, tried to go to mothers group with my babe, but was at least 10 years older with my third and they were on their first, so that fizzled. I tried to initiate those catch ups, but everyone has gone back to work/broke off into a splinter group with more in common (3 were in the same field etc so went off on their own).

I feel that we as a family initiate invitations that are turned down a fair bit. Especially at this time of year, people have extended family and we don’t.

We went on a family picnic today (allowed where we live) and asked 3 different families to come, they were all busy. A former colleague is moving to my town next week, I saw on Facebook. I messaged her to invite for coffee, no response.

My husband works alone, no options there. We moved to a new town 8 years ago and I haven’t made any real connections and it still feels like an outsider trying to break in, everyone has their family and friends and isn’t interested in making more.

My children have started to notice we don’t have friends, my daughter said: some Mummies are friends with other Mummies and they go places together”. It really broke my heart, because I don’t know how to make it happen, but I’d love to.

I’ve wanted to volunteer or attend a playgroup or anything! But obviously none of that is running, and the baby makes it harder.

How did you do it? Is there something I can be doing? I know for most, they are so busy and working and stressed and have their own commitments. How can it ever happen and can anyone recommend anything?

I have to have a hysterectomy. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. I have nobody to ask for help outside of my husband. I want to be part of a community. Growing up, we had lots of family friends! The adults would have bbqs and the kids would play. We had lots of fake Aunties and Uncles and our weekends were spent with others. I see on social media people doing this. Lockdown has changed nothing for me. We weren’t invited to any Christmas or NY parties anyway!
It’s really sad and I don’t know how to fix it.

Does anyone else feel this way?

You make friends by being friendly and helpful to others.

By reaching out and engaging with people.

It isn't rocket science.

Initiating invitations is an attempt to do those things. There’s only so many times you can turned down.

I've had to be really brazen with it. If I see another mum in a park with similar aged children I chat to them. If we get on I say we might as well be friends would you like to exhange numbers? Sometimes this has turned into many more meet ups sometimes it has dwindled but you have to try! So go back to primary mode and ask people if they want to be your friend lol!!

Are you living in a city? Seems peculiar that other mums are younger, I can absolutely understand how that would be an obstacle to having similar chat.
Is it your choice that you won't return to work?

Lots of sarcy and unhelpful replies here but for many of us, it is hard.

I met one woman who is incredibly sociable and she invited me to meet her friends and then I met their friends and it went from there. I think that works. You have to make one or two really outgoing friends. But it is a struggle and takes time.

FWIW I have absolutely no interest in engaging with the other mums in my boys class, I feel like I've missed the boat in terms of bonding because I work full time. His Dad is more involved in the parent community, it's just not my thing.
Maybe turn it around and talk about not feeling compelled to have 'fair weather friends' out of convenience if it's mentioned again?
Having an operation coming up can't be easy, I'm sure you'll get through it but can empathise. It would be lovely to have someone to lean on sometimes!

@FunkBus

Lots of sarcy and unhelpful replies here but for many of us, it is hard.

I met one woman who is incredibly sociable and she invited me to meet her friends and then I met their friends and it went from there. I think that works. You have to make one or two really outgoing friends. But it is a struggle and takes time.

100% agree, motherhood can be really isolating

When I had my hysterectomy, dh had just lost his job. It was great timing. But I was very very ill and almost bedridden beforehand and mine was the most invasive surgery you can get. Lateral 8 inch scar - above belly button to pubic bone. Everything removed including cervix.

I’ve had major surgery twice since. So this second surgery was brutal as dh went straight back to work. Dd went to a childminder every day before school and 2 times a week after. The other 3 days people brought dd home for me, some of the time dd had play dates first on these days. The third time dh had to isolate for 14 days after and dd was at secondary so no childcare required albeit it was bloody hard.

I would insist your dh takes the first week off work then works from home for the second. That is long as you can get your dcs in school / nursery during the second week. He will very very likely have to isolate for 14 days after and even if he doesn’t, you should ask him to. You will feel exhausted. I have been muddling through and have times of been largely bedridden for years from when dd was 3.

If you can have one of your parents come and help after your dh goes back to work, that would be a good solution.

Yes I think that could work. Yes my choice to stay home, I’ve been home too long for my old career and am in the situation where it doesn’t make a lot of sense financially to take a junior position doing something else due to childcare fees etc. And that’s put me out of sync with a lot of people my age because they’re in the thick of it or didn’t take time to be home with kids so have gone on to super successful careers and can’t relate to my life. Or maybe think I’ve done the wrong thing stopping work... or who knows?

And btw the people I asked for help to bring dd were not big time friends. I don’t have those due to my health. They were parents of dd’s friends, who I got on with and like, who I knew could bring dd home with very little hassle. Ie they lived nearby or drove past my road. I also made this a rota so that each person needed to do it once a week. They did it for approx 5 weeks so not a big ask really.

As for making friends, I agree you need to be a bit brazen. It’s ok to ask someone to be your friend, swap nos etc. I have done so.

We don’t have any family support, I’m an orphan and my FIL lives in another state, with closed borders, and is hopeless anyway.
I couldn’t even think of anyone to ask to take the kids to and from school or anything like that, we really don’t know anyone close by. We will probably have to structure it like that with work from home but the surgeon has said 3 months. I will try to time it for the school term at least. And can ask for nursery days too, that’s good advice.
I hope you are ok, chronic bad health is so draining. Thank you for the reply.
We actually had to plan a c section for the baby, to take place when the children were at school, because we have nobody to stay with the children while I was in hospital if it had happened in the night etc, and I didn’t want to labour alone. So our situation has impacted our birth choices.
Covid has just underlined how isolated we are, my life is like this all the time. I honestly didn’t realise how different other people have it in terms of physical contact to miss.

joystir59 the op has literally given a number of examples of how she has tried to reach and out and be friendly to people.

Op, I have moved a lot (as an expat) and agree that a very persistent approach is required! As soon as you see someone with similar age children, get chatting, give them your number and ask if they'd like a coffee sometime. My most successful friendships in adult life (bar a baby group with DD1) have been through work though, can you get a part time job when your youngest is a bit older just for the social aspect? I don't think baby groups work so well anyway when you're on a 2nd or 3rd child, the bonding is over teething, sleepless nights and ounces of milk which you're kind of over by number 2! Work is a good bet, even if you don't make money from it you may well make some friends and that is very valuable.

Honestly, you have to be prepared that it won’t happen and accept it. I moved to England 11 years ago and no one was interested in being my friend. I put myself out there, just like you, but it never happened until a few years ago I made friends with a work colleague. Just live your life and enjoy what you have, and hopefully a friend will come along soon.

I will try to be brazen! It’s happened more than once that I’ve met women who’ve invited me over to like school Mum nights, or been really friendly and invited over, only for it to be bloody MLM. I have to convey that I’m not doing that in my own invitations!

I'm sorry op. It's harder as you get older, can you afford to hire a nanny while you recover? A really extroverted one?

Have you tried Peanut? It's essentially online dating but to make friends. Lots of mums use it and I met someone that way.

OP, if you’re in the UK, I don’t think the brazen approach will work. It puts people off.

Just be you. You sound really nice. Relax, and you’ll find friends.

As for the practical stuff - do you have money to throw at the situation? Maybe spend what you’d have spent on a holiday last year on a short-term au pair or similar?

Thanks. It is hard. I’m sorry to hear you have no family support. My fil is beyond useless too and lives abroad. We would also have the same border issues right now as well. I didn’t have much family help either after any of my surgeries. My mother came after my hysterectomy, which was really useful as she played with dd and helped with food. But my dh was there so not essential. She didn’t come when I really needed help - ie after the second. As I said, brutal. This is why I told dh he would need to take the week off this time.

I think the surgeon is realistic with the 3 months. The internal healing is very very tiring. You will have hundreds of stitches. However, you will very likely find you can drive short distances before that but idk how far school is. Do you kids take the bus maybe? Idk if you’re in the US or Aus etc.

I would also find sources of easy to cook food. Some ready made meals etc. Ready made is more expensive of course but good for bad days. Your energy will fluctuate. And don’t be afraid to have a lot of pizza / fuck it days with your kids. Dd ate a lot plus frozen veg and nuggets type meals and I gave her bread (part baked bread) instead of pasta, which is easier than a heavy pan.

I also got dh to move pans / casserole dishes when cooking and cooked larger quantities of pasta / rice / jar sauce meals and added extra frozen veg to them. I could then just microwave meals when needed for dd / me etc. Dh sorted himself out for the evening - I make him a big, nutritious salad packed lunch to help with this - again doing it in batches and adding the lettuce daily. He’s pretty used to that with my health. When I need something, I have my mobile on me at all times and phone dh so if your dh is wfh, you may find it easier to just phone him and ask him to come to the kitchen. All about finding ways to minimise energy expenditure...

And get yourself food delivery slots for when your dh is there to accept deliveriesn if possible. That way he isn’t leaving you alone with the kids just to buy food.

Will the surgery be vaginally, keyhole, c-section style or lateral? This also deffo makes a difference.

"100% agree, motherhood can be really isolating"

Yes, I am surprised by how isolating it is. What I've found is that even when I make mum friends (which is hard enough because everyone has different schedules), there's a lot of issues with competitiveness or people giving unasked for advice. I just want to meet other chill mums! Not people who are going to berate me for not breast-feeding or who want to know which milestones my son has reached and when.

@joystir59

It isn't rocket science.

For some people it is harder than others.

Hats off to OP for asking and making the effort.

I have lots of friends, from different places and stages in life.
I have some friends from childhood, some from school, some from uni, some from when the kids were little, some from work, some meeting my husband's friends.
I talk to people I meet on the beach, at trade shows, hiking or in line at the grocery.

If I were in your position, I'd look for opportunities to volunteer, where you can meet people with similar passions or interests.
Is it possible to look for a part time job, just to get your face out there meeting new people?