I don’t have any friends. Do you and how did you make them?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I do have loved ones. I have my beautiful 3 kids and love my husband very much. I have a life long bestie who is like a sister and I talk to her every day, but she lives 2 hours away, so Covid aside, I only physically see her a couple of times a year. I have another school friend I talk to on the phone once a week, and a couple of other text based relationships. So I’m not completely alone but it’s not friends and physical in person contact is it?
I’m home with the baby and probably won’t return to work. While I am truly appreciative of my good fortune in this, it doesn’t lend itself to friendship with other 40 year olds. I take classes for interest etc, everyone else is much older retirees. They are lovely to chat to, but not a lot in common at such different life stages. Other Mums are much, much younger on average where I live.

My children don’t attend the local school, so their school friends are not nearby. My older kids are at the age where play dates are drop off and arranged by the kids, not easy to strike up a chat in that 2 minute window.

I talk to anyone I can- sidelines at kids sports, tried to go to mothers group with my babe, but was at least 10 years older with my third and they were on their first, so that fizzled. I tried to initiate those catch ups, but everyone has gone back to work/broke off into a splinter group with more in common (3 were in the same field etc so went off on their own).

I feel that we as a family initiate invitations that are turned down a fair bit. Especially at this time of year, people have extended family and we don’t.

We went on a family picnic today (allowed where we live) and asked 3 different families to come, they were all busy. A former colleague is moving to my town next week, I saw on Facebook. I messaged her to invite for coffee, no response.

My husband works alone, no options there. We moved to a new town 8 years ago and I haven’t made any real connections and it still feels like an outsider trying to break in, everyone has their family and friends and isn’t interested in making more.

My children have started to notice we don’t have friends, my daughter said: some Mummies are friends with other Mummies and they go places together”. It really broke my heart, because I don’t know how to make it happen, but I’d love to.

I’ve wanted to volunteer or attend a playgroup or anything! But obviously none of that is running, and the baby makes it harder.

How did you do it? Is there something I can be doing? I know for most, they are so busy and working and stressed and have their own commitments. How can it ever happen and can anyone recommend anything?

I have to have a hysterectomy. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. I have nobody to ask for help outside of my husband. I want to be part of a community. Growing up, we had lots of family friends! The adults would have bbqs and the kids would play. We had lots of fake Aunties and Uncles and our weekends were spent with others. I see on social media people doing this. Lockdown has changed nothing for me. We weren’t invited to any Christmas or NY parties anyway!
It’s really sad and I don’t know how to fix it.

OP - It sounds like you're trying hard and putting yourself out there which is amazing. Doing all the right things.
I think when you're starting from the beginning it really does just take time.

Many, many years ago I felt like this after university. I stayed local and all my uni friends left at the end. It's hard to make new friends when you have none to bounce off and it can feel like you're pestering people, with everyone having their own 'real' friends and you're trying to start something new. Many times it does fizzle. But it's no personal reflection on you. It's something that would happen to everyone, it's just more noticeable when you're actively looking for friends and keen to make small encounters blossom into more.

However if you keep doing what you're doing I strongly believe you will meet a friend you truly click with eventually and get yourself one proper local friend (who will no doubt over time gradually introduce you to others) but sadly it does all take time!
I wouldn't get too hung up on age specifically though, it's more about having things in common and also personalities that match. So keep all doors open and it might be that your new friend is younger/older!

I also agree with others that most of my adult friendships have been formed through work or volunteering so even if you did that one day per week eventually, that would be great for meeting people.

You sound really friendly and like you're up for doing lots of fun things so mainly just keep doing what you're doing and it will happen.

For what it's worth, your two long term friendships sounds great and I will love to have that, so in that aspect you're very lucky. True friends are the most important.

It's not that easy to make friends. I made a lot when eldest DC started school. That seems to be common but if you move somewhere obviously you miss that opportunity.
You make friends at school and uni as you are thrown together with people (digs, classes, travel to and from) day after day. So without much effort you get to know them well. A survey discovered that many long term friends had surnames next to yours alphabetically - so you'd met in a class scenario or a work training scenario - places where you would be regularly over a longish time.
The best places I have found is where you can talk openly but privately so a walking group where people often pair to walk, so your chat is more private, a small writing group - this situation brings out a lot of information about your life/childhood/views on the world so it's easier to 'know' someone/ a book group -these are usually quite small numbers. A hobby you are interested in, then you can go to exhibitions/ runs/ yoga retreats and get to know individuals that way.

OP, you sound lovely and I don’t think the issue lies with you so stop beating yourself up. I have always been someone that has made friends very easily and kept them for a long time, but I am also struggling a bit with friendships right now, and I think a big part of it is that I have moved and moved for work (and marriage), and so have my friends. Modern life has a lot to answer for! You can easily find yourself in a position where you have lost touch with friends due to geography, or even as you said you may still have good friends who are geographically distant, but you need people physically close by as well of course. People typically think of loneliness as something that happens to the elderly but lots of younger people are lonely these days too for various reason, but a lot of it is simply modern life I think, people moving or being too stressed and busy to worry about friends etc, let alone the giant wrecking ball to any semblance of a social life that is COVID.

Where do you live? You mention state lines so I’m thinking not the UK? Like I said, I’m in a similar position to you and I’ve found it much more difficult to make friends since I moved to England and I think part of that is that English people seem naturally more reserved. I come from N Ireland and used to live in Scotland and I do think it’s easier to make friends there generally. But it’s not impossible. I have more acquaintances than friends locally but some have eventually become good friends over a long period of time and effort! Two friends I met on a single parent holiday, our kids are similar ages and we just clicked, they aren’t on my doorstep but close enough that we can meet up and do something together on a Saturday, which we try to do once a month in non COVID times. One friend is the parent of my child’s friend from primary school. And I have some acquaintances that I met through church, cub scouts (I volunteer as an assistant), work, and other parents of my child’s friends from primary school.

Don’t stop trying to make friends and don’t take it personally if rejected especially at the moment with COVID, lots of people are just hunkering down with their families. I agree the MLM thing is super annoying. Although I do have one acquaintance who does this. I actually buy some of her stuff sometimes, partly just to be supportive to her as she needs the money and I know her friendliness isn’t solely based on the MLM stuff, we were friendly long before she started doing that and it’s not like every interaction we have is MLM marketing. Lots of people do MLM these days, personally I wouldn’t but it’s not unusual and some people are able to be proper friends as well as doing MLM without shoving it in your face all the time.

Someone else mentioned an app, depending on where you are geographically I should think apps like that mentioned would be a good idea. I am on a single parent app in the UK called Frolo which has potential for me for making friends. I know you aren’t a single mum! But there are other apps out there too. Meet-up in normal times is a definite possibility. At one stage I was a member of a social club in London called Spice UK and met some lovely people through that and some potential friendships formed there too.

You mentioned classes etc, totally know what you mean about it mostly being older people and although I think you can be friends with people from a different generation I personally appreciate that it’s not always quite what you are looking for. Maybe think about whether you could try some new interests or hobbies that attract a different crowd, even if it’s not your greatest passion just for the company. Something active like rambling clubs, cycling clubs etc might have a younger crowd. I get frustrated when people tell me to do hobbies I enjoy as a way of trying to meet men - honestly the things I most enjoy are the sort of thing that attract pensioner women so that doesn’t help! Sometimes it’s more important to meet people than the exact activity. The thing about mums mostly being younger where you are too definitely sounds like it could make things more complicated although you might have more in common than you think regardless of age if you both have kids of similar age. It’s difficult in COVID times but after (dear God please soon) I would try to reach out to your kids friends parents, perhaps suggest that you all do something together sometime or invite them for dinner etc. I know you can leave it to the kids at their age but there aren’t any rules to say you can’t independently make friends with their parents. Volunteering somewhere even just an hour a week was my other thought to give an extra point of contact.

Lastly don’t forget you have a nice husband and good friends who are geographically distant and that’s not nothing. What I’d give for a nice husband 😂 So don’t let your daughter make you feel bad - my kid could easily say “some mummies are married to men that love them” and it would be equally a dagger through my heart 😢 But I agree you need friends too and local ones. I really don’t think it’s you though, I feel one has to make a huge effort these days to meet and keep friendships but it is worth investing your time and effort in it in my opinion. And will be much easier when the pandemic is better... 😬

@joystir59

It isn't rocket science.

Well aren't you a charming lady??

You're brave to ask this question here op. Good luck with any good advice you get

I know how you feel OP. It's hard to make friends even when you know in yourself that you'd be a good friend.
I have 295 'friends' on Facebook and put out a happy new year message last night. Only 1 person, my dh liked it. I just don't know what I do wrong. Though in my case I think it's my eye, it makes people uncomfortable and I don't get included.
I hope you find some one like minded to be your friend. Maybe download a friendship app, see who's in your area?

@joystir59 not the first time I've seen you respond to someone like that.

Wonder what you get out if it.

@SquarePeggyLeggy I'm sorry, it is so hard I know
. I have no advice but sympathy. Whereabouts are you? You sound lovely.

If you are in Manchester let's go for a brew!

I only made friends at uni and at mum groups where I was lucky to fit the demographic. In the decade in between I didn't make a single friend despite repeatedly "putting myself out there". Sometimes your face doesn't fit or you don't meet the right people.

It's depends on the person as to how much you want to try. Some people can keep trying, failing and picking themselves up unscathed but for others the resentment builds up and you have to take a break.

I think ideal scenarios are when you find something you enjoy doing regardless of the company but that brings you together with people. Or becoming friends with one sociable person who introduces you to other friends. Or if you are new to the area finding other new people may work better than wasting time on people who've had the same friends for 30 years and aren't interested. I think you have to be really confident and charismatic to create something from nothing when it comes to friends.

Ignore the dicks on here. People relocate a lot these days and it's easy for a perfectly nice person to find themselves friendless due to circumstances.

I’m really glad someone has mentioned motherhood being isolated. I thought it was just me. I have two children with Sen and so immediately was set apart from people as I couldn’t take my kids to groups as they found it too overwhelming at the time. Now they’re older and I’m lonely. There’s not loads in the way of special needs groups and a lot of the parents are so busy trying existing it’s hard to make friends. Are you quite confident OP? Sometimes I think it’s down to luck more than anything and giving off vibes of confidence.

I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to say that I feel like I’m in the same position.

Could people maybe not be taking your invitations because of covid? They might be anxious about meeting people so are avoiding meet ups with new friends?

My issue is an inability to small talk I think. Like I just hate talking randomly to people I don’t know. I literally don’t know what to say and can’t wait to get away. Once I actually know people I can chat easily and be social or but I can’t just ‘make’ it happen.

There are some apps - maybe try and treat it like dating? Meet Up and Bumble BFF are the two I can think of.

Any hobbies you can do? Beginners running clubs are really great for meeting people. I struggle with making friendships and met loads of people through running regardless. I think something about the shared pain and being hot and sweaty messes together creates bonds and pushes down boundaries.

Agree to try to make outgoing friends. I met my best friend through one outgoing lady who I got chatting to on a night out. Realised we both worked at the same place once, exchanged numbers and the outgoing lady text me the next day (and kept texting). I met some of her friends in time, and voila, I met my best friend.

@AIMD

I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to say that I feel like I’m in the same position.

Could people maybe not be taking your invitations because of covid? They might be anxious about meeting people so are avoiding meet ups with new friends?

My issue is an inability to small talk I think. Like I just hate talking randomly to people I don’t know. I literally don’t know what to say and can’t wait to get away. Once I actually know people I can chat easily and be social or but I can’t just ‘make’ it happen.

I used to be like this with small talk. I still struggle a bit but use the general rule that people love to talk about themselves so just ask them questions and also compliment something about them (genuinely).

If meeting a couple, I always consciously try to give the female much more eye contact than the male too.

@AIMD small talk is a bit of a skill, you have to practice. I try to chat, even just one small question or remark in a shop/playground/bus stop.

OP I feel you. We moved four years ago and I only made friends in the last six months. I'm on a smallish island so there's only so many people who you can meet up with at the moment!

I think a key difference is that my friends are similar to me in that they aren't local so don't have existing friend and family commitments in their free time. We also have similar age children but not exact- as a new Mum I think I got too caught up on this. I also made an effort to smile more than normal and try to make eye contact a little as normally I'm very shy.

Motherhood is very isolating.

@joeysapple those are good tips. If I know I’m going to be in a situation with lots of new people I do sometimes prep some conversation topics in my head on the way. Sounds really sad when I write it down but it helps me feel prepared for awkward silences.

I think part of the reason is I just can’t quite be bothered to and don’t have as much of a desire to chat to people. Although I’d like a couple more close friends I wouldn’t want any more acquaintances that I feel I have to chat to when I see them in the street or to be in a friendship ‘group’ as I have accepted that actually I just don’t like those situation.

In a way covid had been great for me as it’s been less pressure to do social things though I miss be active and doing different activities).

@joystir59. Not sure how you can have an friends? You seem vile.

@SquarePeggyLeggy

Yes I think that could work. Yes my choice to stay home, I’ve been home too long for my old career and am in the situation where it doesn’t make a lot of sense financially to take a junior position doing something else due to childcare fees etc. And that’s put me out of sync with a lot of people my age because they’re in the thick of it or didn’t take time to be home with kids so have gone on to super successful careers and can’t relate to my life. Or maybe think I’ve done the wrong thing stopping work... or who knows?

Some of this might be your own insecurity too. You mention about people with super successful careers not relating to your life - but I've had the opposite problem, because of having a busy job and being a single mum I never got to meet anyone at the school gates or do couples dinners etc and so was really isolated, I always felt on the outside with the SAHMs who had more time to catch up with each other. Maybe it's also worth having an open mind about who might welcome your friendship, I'm sure you have a lot to offer.

[quote AIMD]@joeysapple those are good tips. If I know I’m going to be in a situation with lots of new people I do sometimes prep some conversation topics in my head on the way. Sounds really sad when I write it down but it helps me feel prepared for awkward silences.

I think part of the reason is I just can’t quite be bothered to and don’t have as much of a desire to chat to people. Although I’d like a couple more close friends I wouldn’t want any more acquaintances that I feel I have to chat to when I see them in the street or to be in a friendship ‘group’ as I have accepted that actually I just don’t like those situation.

In a way covid had been great for me as it’s been less pressure to do social things though I miss be active and doing different activities).[/quote]
You do need to make acquaintances to make friends though. It takes time.

I think the problem is you often get stuck at the awkward acquaintance stage and it gets more awkward with time rather than less.

Firstly, pandemic + new baby = being realistic on what's possible in the short term.

Good friendships come from real shared values and interests, or shared experiences. Pick things you are passionate about and pursue them, it helps you find people you like. Sport and choirs seem to be v good for this.

Also, I find it interesting that you seem to dismiss people older or younger than you as not friend material. Be more open minded!

Finally, it really is okay to have a small number of close friends.

Obviously Covid makes it a lot harder but I've made so many friends through volunteering- we've moved a lot (work reasons) & I've been a SAHM but have always done loads of volunteering and met so many like minded people along the way - some become good friends, some remain acquaintances but they are all friendly, positive people.

@FunkBus

Lots of sarcy and unhelpful replies here but for many of us, it is hard.

I met one woman who is incredibly sociable and she invited me to meet her friends and then I met their friends and it went from there. I think that works. You have to make one or two really outgoing friends. But it is a struggle and takes time.

I agree. You can’t just meet friends like that.

Agree you shouldn't dismiss people outside your own age range, when I had my baby we had just moved to a new village & knew no one, no family for miles around - some of the kindest, most helpful people were women who could see that I needed a break and were more than happy to meet for a coffee, offer me a couple of hours of 'babysitting' etc - one lady just loved taking my baby out for a walk in his pram. I also met some wonderful people through delivering meals on wheels and driving folk to hospital etc - true they couldn't offer 'child care' as such but they were interesting people to sit and chat to - I used to take my DS into the old folks home & the residents just loved meeting a baby- and that sort of thing had a positive effect on my life and made me feel good.

Obviously I appreciate it is much harder in Covid times but as a PP said, what are your passions? Focus on them and not just on 'making friends' and that's how you meet like minded people.

And, I know this sounds harsh but I do meet people who say they 'can't make friends' and in most cases it's because they don't put the effort in ... it's not always enough to just invite someone round, I would much rather someone says to me 'shall we do X together' and then see how the friendship develops.

I think it’s all too common sadly.

I moved here when my DS was in y4, so by then all the parents had become friends and those groups were established. He went to secondary and parents at secondary don’t form friendships in the same way as they’re not at the school gates.

Added to which I split up from my eXH and then developed a serious illness in addition to the fact I am visually impaired, and unemployed, and the reality is that the possibilities for making local friends are simply not there.

I do have some friends I’ve made over the years, even friends I was at school with, but no-one local.

The one thing I would say though is that people who say they have huge groups of friends don’t always have close friends, more social circles, iyswim.

Also, school mum friendships are generally short-lived. You become friends with someone because you have your kids in common. Kids grow up and go to different secondaries, and invariably those friendships move off in different directions.

I think it is fab that you have your bestie. I have around 10 what I would call close friends but absolutely none of them I could call up when I need to hide a body. I really love the idea of having a close relationship with someone like that, even if it is mainly on the phone.

So although I don't have anything to add about making friends, just wanted to say that relationship sounds really lovely!