I don’t have any friends. Do you and how did you make them?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I do have loved ones. I have my beautiful 3 kids and love my husband very much. I have a life long bestie who is like a sister and I talk to her every day, but she lives 2 hours away, so Covid aside, I only physically see her a couple of times a year. I have another school friend I talk to on the phone once a week, and a couple of other text based relationships. So I’m not completely alone but it’s not friends and physical in person contact is it?
I’m home with the baby and probably won’t return to work. While I am truly appreciative of my good fortune in this, it doesn’t lend itself to friendship with other 40 year olds. I take classes for interest etc, everyone else is much older retirees. They are lovely to chat to, but not a lot in common at such different life stages. Other Mums are much, much younger on average where I live.

My children don’t attend the local school, so their school friends are not nearby. My older kids are at the age where play dates are drop off and arranged by the kids, not easy to strike up a chat in that 2 minute window.

I talk to anyone I can- sidelines at kids sports, tried to go to mothers group with my babe, but was at least 10 years older with my third and they were on their first, so that fizzled. I tried to initiate those catch ups, but everyone has gone back to work/broke off into a splinter group with more in common (3 were in the same field etc so went off on their own).

I feel that we as a family initiate invitations that are turned down a fair bit. Especially at this time of year, people have extended family and we don’t.

We went on a family picnic today (allowed where we live) and asked 3 different families to come, they were all busy. A former colleague is moving to my town next week, I saw on Facebook. I messaged her to invite for coffee, no response.

My husband works alone, no options there. We moved to a new town 8 years ago and I haven’t made any real connections and it still feels like an outsider trying to break in, everyone has their family and friends and isn’t interested in making more.

My children have started to notice we don’t have friends, my daughter said: some Mummies are friends with other Mummies and they go places together”. It really broke my heart, because I don’t know how to make it happen, but I’d love to.

I’ve wanted to volunteer or attend a playgroup or anything! But obviously none of that is running, and the baby makes it harder.

How did you do it? Is there something I can be doing? I know for most, they are so busy and working and stressed and have their own commitments. How can it ever happen and can anyone recommend anything?

I have to have a hysterectomy. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. I have nobody to ask for help outside of my husband. I want to be part of a community. Growing up, we had lots of family friends! The adults would have bbqs and the kids would play. We had lots of fake Aunties and Uncles and our weekends were spent with others. I see on social media people doing this. Lockdown has changed nothing for me. We weren’t invited to any Christmas or NY parties anyway!
It’s really sad and I don’t know how to fix it.

[quote OhToBeASeahorse]@joystir59 not the first time I've seen you respond to someone like that.

Wonder what you get out if it.

@SquarePeggyLeggy I'm sorry, it is so hard I know
. I have no advice but sympathy. Whereabouts are you? You sound lovely.[/quote]
I think the clue is in the user name.

The poster takes joy in being a shit-stirrer.

You sound really lovely, OP.

If you're anywhere near Liverpool, I'll be your friend.

I agree with brazen: not in a pushy way but you need to put yourself out there. Finding the balance between persistence and not being needy is tricky, but it’s a numbers game: the more you ask the more you get.

I’ve moved several times for work so have had to do the starting again with a new group and it’s tough.

First, set yourself a time period where you say yes to everything: Every random coffee, volunteering opportunity, walk or shopping trip. Even when it’s with people you don’t imagine you’ll have anything in common with. Even when it’s MLM. Just get out there.

Second, invite people out: not just a non specific let’s catch up but “I’ve got a morning off on Tuesday do you fancy a walk in the park”. If the answer is no or no response leave it ten days and then ask again. I can remember feeling sick with nerves when doing this for the third or fourth time but some of those recipients are now my best friends.

You just need to keep putting yourself out there, understand that you’re the new comer and that you’re trying to fit into established lives and routines. In fact I’ve had people say to me “I’d love to see more of you but I don’t have enough time for my existing friends”.

Thank you, all good tips.
I could definitely do volunteer work when Bubs is a little older.
I’m definitely not dismissive of different ages, they’re dismissive of me (not the older ladies). I’m in Australia, I’m planning to join the CWA. The leader told me: “I’m not sure you’ll enjoy it, we’re all retirees”. I said: “well I’m a retiree too!”. So I’m still going to go, I won’t let it put me off.

Op ignore the nasty comments!

There is no magic cure.

I had this issue after I had dc2. I was a different age from the local/baby group mums so never made friends in all those years.

Tbh I don’t think it will happen for you until you return to work/study.

The women in my family all worked full-time in careers in education. The reason for that was that we had the same holidays as our children in school. I can't remember my mother having many friends outside the family, except for church.
It is old-fashioned and much sneered at on this forum, but as a single mother working full-time, the few female (non-relative) friends I had I made through church activities. These are the women I call now that most of my family is gone. During our lock-in time we kept in touch and helped each other -- ordering groceries, organizing deliveries etc.