Hello again Everyone. Yes, it was me who said "once you've invested a certain amount in Project DJ, I think there is quite an incentive to stick with it", which a couple of people commented on. So it's ironic that I then fell off the wagon shortly afterwards. Why, when it had been going so well? A few reasons, I think:
- I was sleeping really badly, which was making me tired and fed up.
- I was eating too much sweet stuff, which was making me feel awful (I'm hypoglycaemic - which in itself is enough of a reason to stop drinking, as alcohol lowers your blood sugar even more).
- I couldn't go for my usual "me-time" walk around the dene, as it was icy and treacherous.
- With this new variant, I've decided to stop going to Tesco for the moment, and do click-and-collect instead. So we are running out of things, especially fresh veggies. Plus, I know I'm weird but I love going to Tesco.
.
- DH is still drinking.
- Just felt bleak.
I had made a lovely chilli, and I suddenly thought, it would be so nice to have some wine with this, and the next thing I knew, I'd had a glass and a half of DH's red. Then the next night, DH suggested that we have a take away and the bottle of decent Champagne that was left over from Christmas, and I thought, bugger it.
I was on the verge of abandoning DJ completely, because I had already blown it, and because it just felt like more restriction and confinement, on top of what we are enduring right now. But I've changed my mind, and I'm going to hop back on the wagon (if you'll have me 
). Quite relieved to see I'm not the only one!
This little episode has actually been quite valuable, if only to show me once again what I know in my heart of hearts - that I can't moderate. The minute I have a drink, a switch in my brain flicks and my focus then goes from whatever I'm doing to "when can I have another drink? Where will the next drink come from? How long will it last?" etc etc. I've just downloaded William Porter's new book, and he addresses moderation at some length, explaining why it can really be purgatory. He concludes that "I don't understand how anyone who has previously had problems with drinking could somehow teach themselves to want the first drink but not the next", on the basis that alcohol is an addictive drug. I appreciate that there are people on this thread, like OP, @Dugee and @pointythings, and people like my husband, who can moderate successfully, but personally I don't think I am one of them.
Logically, this means that I should view DJ not as a time-limited period of abstention where we count down the days until we can resume drinking, but as a route to stopping permanently. I know others on this thread have said the same thing. Anyway, I am going to take it one thing at a time, so the immediate goal is to finish DJ.
I've spent today stocking up on some resources: some nice face stuff, a load of supplements to support my body while it's detoxing/adjusting, and a couple of books. I'm thinking about splashing out on an Apple watch, so that I can get things like heart rate and sleep info (although I don't feel I deserve it at the moment ).
Apologies for this huge vent. I feel so ashamed for cracking when so many people on here have so much more to cope with than I do.