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We teach our kids not to lie..

78 replies

MrsKingfisher · 28/12/2020 07:55

Then we lie to them about Father Christmas! I've often wondered why children are taught (by most parents) that telling lies isn't a good thing yet parents the world over tell their kids a whopper then brush over it when they find out Santa isn't actually real.

I do love the whole Father Christmas ideal but why is it ok to tell lies to children when we try to teach them the opposite?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 29/12/2020 08:58

Yep, traditional parenting norms are completely inconsistent! Well, they aren't, but it depends which lens you're looking at parenting through. If you're looking at it through the more modern lens of parenting being teaching children about the world/supporting developmental skills, then it's inconsistent. If you're looking at it through the more traditional lens of using a hierarchical structure to get children to behave manageably, while they're young enough not to understand what is dangerous or inconvenient to others, then it works fine because the rule is children don't lie to adults in order to benefit themselves - it's a respect thing which goes one way by design.

Firstly there's no real black and white "lying is bad" - we do acceptable lying in many contexts and it's considered absolutely fine/preferable to telling the truth. For example "Do you like my new dress?" (when you think it's hideous) "Thank you Grandma, what a lovely present!" (when you hate it).

Secondly stories/pretending are a form of lying (you can differentiate it, but essentially to many young children, and even more so for children with a condition like ASD, it's still fantasy vs reality). You can see sometimes in ASD kids' recollections of school that taking something too seriously can be seen as impertinence when really they are just confused because they think that a teacher would always tell the absolute truth, and not use stories/metaphor/etc to explain something.

Personally I don't go out of my way to "preserve the santa story" - we just treat it as a festive story really and don't take it too seriously. But I am also not particularly arsed if my kids lie because it's really no indicator of moral decay like people used to think. Most of the time it's a completely normal developmental stage, and it's our job to help them understand when it's appropriate to lie and when it's not, not to come down really hard on certain forms of lying and then also punish them for not lying at other times - it's confusing.

IME people who "hate lying" are the worst liars themselves! DH gets really worked up about it yet I've heard him tell some absolute corkers to his parents and even bosses/colleagues before! I rarely ever lie, I have a terrible memory and it makes me anxious, but I am not especially bothered by the kids lying if I can see why they were doing it, I'd rather address that.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 29/12/2020 11:54

@Cheeeeislifenow you've misunderstood what I'm saying. It's perfectly ok to keep the magic and meaning of Christmas alive, but it's not ok to 'preserve' the Santa story for years on end.

I gently switched to talk about the magic of Christmas around the age 8 stage - and then when the questions started about whether FC was real or not started around the age 9 stage I answered honestly.

Now well into double figures we still have FC sack put out on Christmas Eve and enjoy pretending that 'he's on his way'! But we all know it's not real.

A gentle transition from a lovely fairytale to reality stops all the 'you lied to me' and 'we're teaching our children not to lie, but tell them a big lie about Christmas' comments.

I'm glad your teenagers enjoy the Christmas festivities. We do too.

But I really feel for children and especially teenagers who are strung along for too long. They are made to feel like fools in front of their family and peers, and quite rightly feel they have been lied to.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/12/2020 12:24

Not this again!

There are lies and lies - white lies, fibs, whatever - either to allow small children some magical excitement for a few short years, or to avoid upsetting someone or hurting their feelings.

Do you never tell fibs? Do you tell someone straight out that you think their new hairstyle/new kitchen/dress is horrible? Or that the present they just gave you is going straight in the bin/to the charity shop?

I must have told hundreds of ‘lies’ to my mother when she had dementia - when the truth would have been terribly upsetting and she was going to forget whatever I said so quickly anyway.

I dare say some pious types would prefer to tell a parent, ‘No, you’re never going home. I’ve told you a million times that you’ve got dementia, you can’t even make yourself a cup of tea any more.’
Or
‘No, of course you can’t go and visit your parents! What do you mean, they must be getting old and could do with some help? They’ve been dead for 30 and 50 years!’

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