Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Keeping maiden name post marriage, any problems?

107 replies

Siw2020 · 27/12/2020 13:31

How many people actually do this without any issues?

The only thing I don't like about it is having a different name to any future DCs. Double-barrelling would not work for us (DP already has a very long surname).

Makes sense for us both professionally to not have the same name. Also, I just feel like this is my identity, it just feels a bit historical to go by your father's surname until you marry and then taking on husband's....

Would love to hear of people's stories where this has worked with no bother.

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 27/12/2020 15:36

I have kept my 'maiden' name (hate that term, it's just my name!). We got married 6 years ago and have three children, the children have their fathers surname because I'm NC with my entire family so didn't want my children to have any association with them, otherwise they would have had mine.

I've never had any problems at all, it doesn't bother me at all having a different surname to my children, I gave birth to them and have raised them so am pretty secure in the fact that I am their mother. The only people who seem to have a problem with it are DH's family who insist on sending cards to 'Mrs DHsurname' but I don't really care and only correct them if they hand me the card in person.

There is the occasional assumption that DH and I aren't married (I rarely wear a ring) but I don't care about that either! I have never travelled abroad with the kids by myself so have no idea whether that would be an issue.

My eldest child has said he would like me to have the same name as him, but I have just explained that my name is my name and it doesn't matter and makes no difference to our relationship. I will not change it.

OutedByHobby · 27/12/2020 15:48

It is such a thing amongst passive aggressive in-laws isn’t it? Mine were the same although thankfully they’re now ex-in-laws. Neither SIL nor MIL had been to university or had a career before marriage and I think they thought marriage was an uplift in status. The whole Mrs John Smith thing was their way of signalling their traditional rightness when actually all it did was show they’d learned their manners from Tatler and Debrett’s rather than not being obnoxious.

CrypticQueen · 27/12/2020 15:55

I kept my name - zero issues ever, in any context. Children have my surname as their middle name. And I’ve used Ms since I was about 15 and at 51 not an issue either.

Notchangednametoday · 27/12/2020 16:02

My children have their Dads surname , I use a mix - banking married name, but professional use maiden name. Household bills are a bit of both!

My maiden name quite unique so a lot people who know me use that to refer to me (in place of my first) even husband!

Husband not bothered. We did discuss using my surname and he was happy to change his - I regret that 20 odd years later we didn’t but it’s just a name .

Helocariad · 27/12/2020 16:03

Kept my maiden name and use Ms. Never had any problems! I believe it's becoming more common now, particularly for women with a professional identity before marriage. 😊

jillypill · 27/12/2020 16:11

I kept my name, the dc have dh's surname but my name as a maiden name (it's a name surname if that makes sense). Travelled with the dc without dh a few times & no problems.

OchonAgusOchonO · 27/12/2020 16:15

@Helocariad - I believe it's becoming more common now, particularly for women with a professional identity before marriage

I don't know about that. I got married 28 years ago and pretty much every woman I knew at the time kept their names. At work, the only women who have changed their names are the younger ones and they have mainly done it once they have children.

Musmerian · 27/12/2020 16:28

It’s actually far more hassle to change as you have to inform everyone of your new name. I’ve been married twice and kept my own name throughout. DCs have two different surnames which doesn’t cause any bother. I travel a fair bit and have never had an issue at airports with any of them. Only issue is annoying PILs who don’t approve but that’s their problem.

Shireslass · 27/12/2020 16:29

Kept my name and Miss here. My daughter has both of our names. I like that we did that, however, I think we were lucky our names go together. It could have been an issue if they did not.
I have never wanted to change my name and I do not regret it in the slightest.

Original poster

Siw2020 · 27/12/2020 16:55

I don't have any issues with people taking on their DHs name or even being referred to as Mrs marriedname myself it just sounds a bit strange when you think about it.

I think I will stay Dr Maiden as thats my professional identity but also feels like me. Mr and Mrs Married i'm totally fine with. How exactly do you only change your name in your personal life but not professional?
I.e I think i will keep my name at work, passport, driving license etc (so all formal forms of identity). I have an unusual surname and DP has a long one so double-barrelling just wouldnt work for us neither would having one as a middle name so i guess future DCs will have to take his name otherwise it would like we aren't married? Also as though they are siblings with their cousins (brother's DCs).
I probably will be travelling abroad with future DCs as have family overseas so don't want any problems.

OP posts:

Milomonster · 27/12/2020 17:03

Kept my maiden name and it’s largely been bother-free apart from at airports when I travel with DC (who has his father’s surname). It also has its benefits in the case of divorce.

Milomonster · 27/12/2020 17:05

Sorry - the one area it has been a small chore is when you have to tick Miss/Mrs/Ms. I either refuse, if asked verbally, as I don’t see the relevance or I cross out and use my professional title (Dr).

UsefulZombie · 27/12/2020 17:11

DP and I recently got a civil partnership which felt better for us personally than marriage. I didn't change my name and DS has my surname, as will any future children. No issues at all thus far, although maybe societal expectations are different because we didn't go down the more traditional marriage route.

movingonup20 · 27/12/2020 17:19

It can be a pain going overseas, you need to carry birth certificates, ditto to anything that requires consent until they are old enough to corroborate. Mostly it will not be an issue but when there is an issue it can be bad. I did take exh's name (haven't bothered reverting) friends who didn't have had some issues over the years mostly immigration travelling alone

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/12/2020 17:21

I kept my name but gave dc dhs name. He is danish and so are they and we live in Denmark. It is difficult to get apprenticeships or jobs with a foreign sounding name.

The only issue was when I needed to travel with infant dd. Different name and different passport so took the birth certificate with me. I did get asked for it. The second time I offered the bc to the officer at the airport and she looked at me, looked at dd, looked back at me and said youre all right love.

CrumpetandSausage · 27/12/2020 17:27

I haven’t changed my name. Was a Ms before marriage so no change there either. Never saw the point in changing my name. Children have husband’s surname. Have travelled overseas with them when small. Was suggested I should carry their birth certificate which seemed pointless because of the sheer amount of information required to get them passports in the first place. As soon as they are old enough to answer questions it is quite clear to immigration officials they are my daughters by their answers.

LividLover · 27/12/2020 17:28

I’ve been married twice. Changed name when I was young and dumb.

Deed polled it to something different when I divorced.

Remarried on the understanding I would not be entertaining a fourth surname and we have our baby an utterly ridiculous double barrel because it was the best of a dodgy bunch of solutions.

Kids I teach are baffled that I can be married and not be Mrs or name change. I get pernickety about use of Ms on occasion as I hate Miss, but accept that’s quite unusual.

Nomaigai · 27/12/2020 17:35

@HermioneWeasley

I’ve kept my name with zero issues.

When I travel alone with DCs I take birth certificates, but never been questioned about them having a different surname. They have my surname as a middle name.

I have been once but managed to argue my way through. Only time it's ever been an issue. I didn't plan to travel alone with them though (DH's trip was cancelled) so I had nothing to prove it except their word (and the fact they look a lot like me!)

Craftycorvid · 27/12/2020 17:39

Never changed my name, but have to go through the same tedious explanation so many times. No, I’m not Mrs, I’m Ms. No, I didn’t coincidentally marry someone with the same surname. DH is not ‘Mr Crafty’. And yes, older people who address cards to us as ‘Mr and Mrs DH’s surname’ regardless.

allycat4 · 27/12/2020 17:42

I absolutely believe that people should take whichever name they like (obviously!!).

However, I always find the argument "I'm so established in my career I can't change" spurious. Anyone (man or woman) who is that established can expect people to adapt to a simple name change!

ExpensivelyDecorated · 27/12/2020 17:47

Mine have DH's surname. I've never travelled abroad without them or been questioned by anyone as to whether I was actually their mother, it has always been accepted without question. We thought it was more likely to happen to DH if he was the one with a different surname to the rest of us.

ExpensivelyDecorated · 27/12/2020 17:48

Travelled abroad with them and without DH I mean. I did used to carry BCs just im case though

Blogdog · 27/12/2020 17:51

There’s no real issue keeping one name for work and a different one for your personal life - it’s rare the two worlds crossover in day to day life unless you live in a very small town. The one exception is if you travel for work and need to use your passport. I kept my maiden name for work and on my passport for this reason, however did have colleagues who had a different name on their passport. Again, as long as whoever was booking the flights/hotels (I worked for a large company and we had a travel office) was aware of this and knew to book in the correct name it wasn’t a problem. It’s pretty common these days so no one really cares.

bluebluezoo · 27/12/2020 17:52

I kept my name. Zero issues. Kids are late teens now.

Travelling no problem. Once got stopped and they asked eldest who I was. They said mum. That’s it.

I quite like having a different name to my kids. It means dh has to deal with the school/sports club facebook/whatsapp drama as they can’t find me .

HappyAsASandboy · 27/12/2020 17:53

I use both names. I have bank accounts in both and own property in both. My passport and driving licence are both in my married name because I didn't think things through quickly enough, but if I need photo ID in my maiden name then either passport or driving licence plus my marriage certificate works fine.

As a married woman your entitled to use Mrs HisSurname. And you are, of course, entitled to use your own, maiden, name. You don't have to choose one or the other

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread