Am I ungrateful to be upset about baby’s first Christmas and no acknowledgement of it being my first as a Mummy?

[Wineandshine]

Fully prepared to be told I’m ungrateful but I’m just a little disappointed. It’s my baby’s first Christmas, I have put loads of effort into their presents and partners presents and got him a little present to acknowledge his first Christmas as a Daddy and I got nothing with mummy on it at all. Not even a card. He was born just after Father’s Day and whilst recovering in hospital I still managed to personalise a card and send a little gift. There was also no acknowledgement for the how awful the pregnancy was for me. I just feel so under appreciated. I have spent the last few days running around to make this Christmas special and I’m just really sad. Another thing is he never takes photos of me with our baby and when I ask he takes terrible ones and won’t take anymore as he’s bored. He is the only who can take photos because of lockdown, he takes loads of our baby or will take a random one of me asleep in my granny nightie. He did buy me a few nice presents but it just doesn’t feel like Christmas. I haven’t had time to enjoy any of it and I just want it all to be over.

No, I get it. He's normally very in tune with me, but I had to spell it out for DH that I would like a card from DD on her first Xmas. Nothing ridiculous, just a card with 'Mummy' on it somewhere. I do cards from her to her Grandparents who love them (and have them displayed for months after the event) and yet he still didn't think, "this is something Craic might like". It was important to me to mark it.

That being said I think there's more going on here than cards or presents.

@Wineandshine

We didn’t discuss it but his has been under the tree and wrapped with a gift tag that he saw and commented on. He didn’t even get me a card, he got all his family cards, grandparents etc. It just makes me really sad because even when the baby was born there was no acknowledgement, all the other partners from our Nct group put how wonderful there other half was etc. I was the one stuck in hospital with a very poorly baby in a stifling hot room which I wasn’t allowed to leave for a week with no visitors recovering from a c-section and when I was allowed home he went straight upstairs to finish his work because us coming home was clearly a disruption!

you want a card?

thats wierd to me, random things with 'mummy' on bought by DH or parents/IL arent as magical as we think, in fact its a bit awkward.

What was magical was when my 5 year old came home from school one day and gave me a little necklace he had bought from a lunch time school fayre, he had saved up pocket money without telling anyone to buy it, its still on my bedside table now 7 years later and the most meaningful jewellery I own even though its just a rope necklace with plastic charm - that was a meaningful moment because it truely came from my DS.

“First Christmas as a Mummy” really isn’t a thing. You sound like very hard work. I can understand wanting photos, perhaps you could buy a phone tripod and clicker from Amazon so you can take as many photos as you want.

I don't think presents are the issue here, OP. It sounds like you feel underappreciated and unsupported in general. Have you had it out with him? Told him how you feel and that it's unacceptable? Not so much with the presents perhaps, but when he disappeared upstairs when you came home from hospital, did you give him an earful? If not, you need to be more forthcoming. My DH was more supportive in my second pregnancy, because I was very clear when he'd failed to pass muster the first time! He did get me presents from the DC from day one, but I had made it clear I expected him to, so don't know if he'd have done it off of his own bat or not.

Also, just to be clear, when I say 'give him an earful', I do not mean shouting, which I don't think is ever excusable in a relationship. I mean getting your message across clearly.

It sounds like you have different ideas of what to expect on these days.

Like many people who have previously posted on here I wouldn't expect or buy for my dh anything that acknowledged his position as father at Christmas. We haven't ever bought things for each other from our dc either. To me, that would be just another job I'd have to do. But for you it's important so you need to tell your partner that and make it clear that's what you want to happen.

When my dc were about two I taught them how to make 'flowers' from pipe cleaners and paper. And egg boxes. And over the years they came to understand that I expect a bunch of these flowers for Mother's Day, that's what I want because they need to put some effort in themselves but at the same time they don't need to rely on dh to remember to do something. I'm their mother, not his.

Neither they or dh would have been able to guess that this is what I'd prefer over expensive flowers or gifts. Or if they had been able to guess of would have been a slow process of elimination with me being miserable every year till they got it right.

The thing I amreallylooking forward to won't happen for a couple of years yet - I want to send my kiddo out with one of my friends and a bit of cash, and have him pick me a present. I am 100% sure it'll be utterly bizarre (or, you know, some Lego that mummy will definitely really, really like) and I can't wait!
Yes this is super cute. My DD is nearly 4 and my husband was given a unicorn bouncy ball for father's day from her 🤣
For Christmas she chose her baby sister a stuffed toy banana and some chocolate buttons.

[quote TisTheSeasonToEatLots]@Persipan why would you want to send your child out with cash to buy you a gift so you can pretend they bought you something? Children make things in school, Christmas cards, decorations etc for their parents as a present, I'm far more appreciative of this than a box of bubble bath my mate picked for me with my child in tow. My parents still put our tree decorations we made in primary school on the tree to this day and we are in our 30s and 40s!!! The best gifts you receive as a parent are the ones your child has made, when they are actually old enough to make them.[/quote]
Well right here, once again, we have the problem of the thread: people deciding that the thing they like trumps the thing someone else has straight-up said they'd enjoy.

For me, I love giving people presents, and I love those presents to be thoughtful and something that person would enjoy. That's not a skill you develop overnight; it's something you continue to hone over a lifetime. I'd like, to some extent, to instill that love (and that skill) in my child, if I can. When he's old enough to be writing to Santa I fully intend that his list will also include a suggestion of what kind of charity he'd like to support or what help he'd like to send to someone in need, as well as just stuff he wants for himself. (And then I'll make that happen for him, if I can.) I'll let him have some say in what gifts he gives to close family. And so yes, I'd also like him to choose something for me. Getting to give someone a present that you chose is a great feeling, done right, and it's worth ten quid to give him that experience. And over time, I'd hope to get him thinking about what gifts people will actually like (not me specifically, but all recipients of gifts) and how to judge and determine that. So hopefully he'll never end up in a story like this, as the hapless partner of a sad OP.

There's just as much of an argument that stuff made at school is impersonal, too, given that making it has been set up by the teacher and the thing being made has been predetermined by them. And yet yes, I'm sure I'll love those things too.

[quote TisTheSeasonToEatLots]@Persipan why would you want to send your child out with cash to buy you a gift so you can pretend they bought you something? Children make things in school, Christmas cards, decorations etc for their parents as a present, I'm far more appreciative of this than a box of bubble bath my mate picked for me with my child in tow. My parents still put our tree decorations we made in primary school on the tree to this day and we are in our 30s and 40s!!! The best gifts you receive as a parent are the ones your child has made, when they are actually old enough to make them.[/quote]
the school make kids do that, its meaningless because the whole class are given a template and MADE to make mummy a card... my kid would never randomly choose to do arts and crafts but he did willingly choose to spend he pocket money on the necklace in my previous post.

What was magical was when my 5 year old came home from school one day and gave me a little necklace he had bought from a lunch time school fayre, he had saved up pocket money without telling anyone to buy it, its still on my bedside table now 7 years later and the most meaningful jewellery I own even though its just a rope necklace with plastic charm

Similar here. The primary school had a fair afternoon each year (kids only). I would give them money expecting them to spend it on some lollies or games you needed to pay to participate. When one of mine was 6, they spent all the money on some ornaments they thought I would love from the white elephant stall. They had bits broken off them and are absolute tat but all my child saw was that they were something associated with things I collected and they would be giving me something I would love which was better than spending the money on themselves (although obviously I collected nice collectors pieces not these things you could find in a pound shop). Well over a decade later these still take pride of place in my house.

That’s the sort of stuff that’s meaningful and an acknowledgment of being a parent. Not some naff card someone has pretended a baby has written and given to you. Also confused about having to have acknowledgment of now being a mum. Surely the baby sitting in front of you should be all the acknowledgment you need that you were pregnant, gave birth and now look after a baby?

There's just as much of an argument that stuff made at school is impersonal, too, given that making it has been set up by the teacher and the thing being made has been predetermined by them. And yet yes, I'm sure I'll love those things too.
I agree. The things my kid made at preschool are nice and I liked them, but i prefer things that she chose for me even if they're totally random