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Original poster

Am I ungrateful to be upset about baby’s first Christmas and no acknowledgement of it being my first as a Mummy?

61 replies

Wineandshine · 26/12/2020 01:28

Fully prepared to be told I’m ungrateful but I’m just a little disappointed. It’s my baby’s first Christmas, I have put loads of effort into their presents and partners presents and got him a little present to acknowledge his first Christmas as a Daddy and I got nothing with mummy on it at all. Not even a card. He was born just after Father’s Day and whilst recovering in hospital I still managed to personalise a card and send a little gift. There was also no acknowledgement for the how awful the pregnancy was for me. I just feel so under appreciated. I have spent the last few days running around to make this Christmas special and I’m just really sad. Another thing is he never takes photos of me with our baby and when I ask he takes terrible ones and won’t take anymore as he’s bored. He is the only who can take photos because of lockdown, he takes loads of our baby or will take a random one of me asleep in my granny nightie. He did buy me a few nice presents but it just doesn’t feel like Christmas. I haven’t had time to enjoy any of it and I just want it all to be over.

OP posts:

Fishfingersandwichplease · 26/12/2020 01:39

Not ungrateful at all OP - sounds like your partner just hasn't thought about it at all. If it is important to you which l assume he knows, he should have pulled his finger out just wait til your baby is older and they start making you cards etc. My DH very rarely gets me a mother's day card - says l am not his mum but dd is older now so my mum takes her to get one and l although l remind him he is not my dad, l wouldn't be so petty as to not get him a father's day card. Hope baby had a lovely first Christmas xx

hellohello202011 · 26/12/2020 01:44

Don't know if it helps but my husnband ever since baby was born takes horrible photos of me. Just like you said - random photos or videos where I have greasy hair and ugly t shirt or gown. No acknowledgment of me being a mum or something for a Mother's Day etc

WeAllHaveWings · 26/12/2020 01:52

Did you discuss and agree to get Christmas presents from the baby to each other? Not everyone does/wants to.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families

Original poster

Wineandshine · 26/12/2020 02:01

We didn’t discuss it but his has been under the tree and wrapped with a gift tag that he saw and commented on. He didn’t even get me a card, he got all his family cards, grandparents etc. It just makes me really sad because even when the baby was born there was no acknowledgement, all the other partners from our Nct group put how wonderful there other half was etc. I was the one stuck in hospital with a very poorly baby in a stifling hot room which I wasn’t allowed to leave for a week with no visitors recovering from a c-section and when I was allowed home he went straight upstairs to finish his work because us coming home was clearly a disruption!

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 26/12/2020 02:01

Have to say it would never occur to me that I should get a present from a newborn. As for acknowledging your difficult pregnancy? I don't understand what you mean. I developed a chronic illness during my first pregnancy but how was my husband supposed to acknowledge it? It just is.
As for photos just tell him. My husband took poor photos too so there are very few of me and my kids. If you are not getting something out of this relationship that leaves you feeling unappreciated then spell it out to your partner.

Seafog · 26/12/2020 02:09

It sounds like you and he have a very different idea of how you want to be thanked. It sounds as though you want him to tell other people about it, but he doesn't seem to recognize that.
Are there other ways that you guys use that are better for communicating ?

Bamboo15 · 26/12/2020 02:13

I see where your coming from OP - all the communication comments aside if he knew you were getting hi. Something it’s a bit rubbish he didn’t return the favour and do the same. Spend some time in the new year making something for your self with you little one paint print of there little hands and feet with their name on or maybe a locket for yourself with a little picture or a brilliant selfie with the baby for you to keep.

Coyoacan · 26/12/2020 03:09

I'm sorry you feel like that, but has your partner changed in this respect? I mean I could never do the things you want him to do, it is just not in my nature, but if he used to go in for details like that and now he doesn't, that is another thing.

HoppingPavlova · 26/12/2020 03:19

Sorry to say but if my DH got me a present from the baby (or kids) or a Xmas present specifically because I was a mother I would think he was barking mad. If he expected this from me he would be very disappointed. It seems exceedingly odd.

NatriumChloride · 26/12/2020 03:19

I find the whole wanting a present as a mummy on Christmas a big weird. Mother's Day I get... But your first Christmas as a mummy? I mean it's a little weird to want that specifically acknowledged.
I do get the bit about the photos. You need to spell this out to him as maybe it just hasn't occured to him.

Laserbird16 · 26/12/2020 03:23

You really need to communicate with your partner. You not being ungrateful but you are being unfair if you have expectations that you hope your partner will guess via a series of hints and then take offence when he doesn't. It's a really unhealthy way to live your life in general. His 'thoughtlessness' isn't deliberate malice just not picking up on your 'vibes'. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. You're allowed to want things, it doesn't make it any less special if you say the words out loud.

Mintjulia · 26/12/2020 03:28

My dp did once thank me for our ds - I think it was in a Mother's Day card, but it wouldn't occur to him ((or me) that anything needs saying on the first Christmas. It all sounds a bit contrived to be honest

I think you just have different standards in terms of public demonstrations of affection.

Did he buy you something lovely for Xmas?

katy1213 · 26/12/2020 03:31

First Christmas as Mummy - is that even a thing? I can't imagine the sort of crappy gift that would come with that inscription! Something from Clinton's Cards? Be glad!

GADDay · 26/12/2020 03:33

I think that applying your own specific standards of giving gifts to receiving them from others is a recipe for disappointment.

The best way to avoid disappointment is to be really really clear, well in advance about what you want and how it should be delivered - risk of this approach is that you will look like a nutjob...

GintyMcGinty · 26/12/2020 03:40

I think you are disappointed he isn't guessing your wishes. Sounds like you need to communicate them more effectively to him.

First Xmas as a mummy isn't a thing I've ever heard of before.

I don't understand what birth acknowledgement you are looking for.

The photo thing - again you need to talk to him about it.

FortunesFave · 26/12/2020 03:44

Not everyone thinks like this OP....I don;t...and I'm a Mother. If your partner doesn't know you expect this, then he won't do it.

You just need to talk to him....it's quite a specific expectation and not one everyone likes or even considers.

RaRaRasputinHardBastardToKill · 26/12/2020 03:45

Photo thing is understandable the presents and card thing is bonkers! You’re a mum. That’s the prize. You get to have an amazing role that some people would give anything to be able to have. You don’t need cards or gifts to tell you what you already know. The baby’s first Christmas is something to get excited about and buy presents for (pointless because your baby has no idea but fun!) but how often do you expect to be praised and acknowledged - baby walks (mum should get a present?) baby’s first birthday (mum gets present?) baby’s first poo in the potty (mum gets present?)
Mother’s Day, yes, definitely. In infinite small ways (being made a cup of tea, having your dinner made when you’re knackered) etc etc - yes. But no, every major celebration from now on will be about it being your baby’s first not your first as a mum.

The pregnancy thing - it’s done. Hopefully he was supportive during your pregnancy but it’s not something you should expect to be rewarded for afterwards. You have your baby!

If your DH is thoughtless in other ways then pull him up on it. Sorry your Christmas hasn’t been what you expected but I think it’s your expectations that have been a bit skewy rather than your dh (who has bought you nice presents) doing something wrong. Don’t ever compare him to other NCT Dads. Gushy posts on Facebook or a nice present are easy but do they make you a good dad - not at all. Doing your fair share of nappy changes, walks round the block with a baby who won’t sleep, night feeds, making dinners etc is MUCH more important.

I feel for you OP, being a new mum is bloody hard work and a it takes a while to shift into this new identity, you can get overlooked while everyone fusses over the baby so tell your dh if you are feeling down or unappreciated. That stuff is really important and I suspect at the heart of your Christmas let down about presents. Take care.

Topseyt · 26/12/2020 04:34

@HoppingPavlova

Same here. Sorry OP, none of what you describe would bother me in the slightest. I don't see that he has actually done anything wrong.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 26/12/2020 04:56

I wouldn't expect presents to be labelled as from the baby, although if one was I would think it cute/touching.

Once you have kids pretty much everything is about them. Obviously you shouldn't put up with being taken for granted, and it is important that your husband is supportive and appreciates you, but I think the way you've framed it as "first Christmas as a Mummy" is a bit odd. Obviously it is your first Christmas as a mum, but the day isn't really about that - it's your baby's first Christmas.

Lizadork · 26/12/2020 05:03

Invest in a selfie stick and get good at setting timer on camera to take pics from a distance. It is what i had to do with my first born. Talk to him about how it makes you feel to not have these memories and havibg tp put up with his impatience when you snap nice pics of him without complaint.

LadyMinerva · 26/12/2020 05:20

The one thing I've learnt about men over the years is that they are the worst mind readers in the world. You have to tell them what you want and then let them think it was all their idea.

If you are going to spend your life assuming that someone else is going to make you happy you're going to have a bad time!

klfahah · 26/12/2020 05:43

Ive never heard of the first Christmas as mummy thing but I can totally relate to how you are feeling as I'm always the one who has the children making lovely handmand special cards for their dad or grandparents but no one thinks to have the dc make one for me which I'd love and treasure as it's something they've made especially for me. I never get Xmas gifts or birthday gifts valentines, mothers day gifts bought for me from the dc because no one thinks to do it. Also photos no one ever takes my photos with the dc unless I ask which kind of spoils it as I'd love some natural pics where we're just in the moment. I have hundreds of their dad or GPs with them but none of me which makes me sad. I've mentioned it many times but nothing changes as they still never think to do it.

villainousbroodmare · 26/12/2020 05:48

The photos thing, yes, seems common and it can be upsetting. The answer is to get dressed and ask for pics to be taken. And ask often.
The rest: YABU and very immature.

tara66 · 26/12/2020 05:54

I did not even understand what you meant OP - what exactly what the problem was - until I read the above replies. Agree it is not known to me the idea of a ''baby to mummy'' present but I think re. the photos - just prepare for a photo session and tell DH to take the pictures - give him a camera.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2020 05:58

I was left chronically ill during / after pregnancy and it got worse when dd was around 3. My dh didn’t acknowledge how difficult my pregnancy was after the event. For me, it was finished after giving birth. I then had the recovery.

Bringing you home and going upstairs to work is really shit. As for the week in hospital after the birth, how supportive was he then?

I think you’re centring on the wrong things tbh. The not being given presents etc seems symptomatic of not been treated as though he cares for you.

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