Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Am I ungrateful to be upset about baby’s first Christmas and no acknowledgement of it being my first as a Mummy?

61 replies

Wineandshine · 26/12/2020 01:28

Fully prepared to be told I’m ungrateful but I’m just a little disappointed. It’s my baby’s first Christmas, I have put loads of effort into their presents and partners presents and got him a little present to acknowledge his first Christmas as a Daddy and I got nothing with mummy on it at all. Not even a card. He was born just after Father’s Day and whilst recovering in hospital I still managed to personalise a card and send a little gift. There was also no acknowledgement for the how awful the pregnancy was for me. I just feel so under appreciated. I have spent the last few days running around to make this Christmas special and I’m just really sad. Another thing is he never takes photos of me with our baby and when I ask he takes terrible ones and won’t take anymore as he’s bored. He is the only who can take photos because of lockdown, he takes loads of our baby or will take a random one of me asleep in my granny nightie. He did buy me a few nice presents but it just doesn’t feel like Christmas. I haven’t had time to enjoy any of it and I just want it all to be over.

OP posts:
Justa47 · 26/12/2020 05:59

@Wineandshine

Utterly your partners role to acknowledge that.
It’s a shame he did not but it does mean he is bad. He might even be heart broken when he realises.

Why don’t you make a thing of your first new year as a mummy and see if he catches on!

Be happy

LunaLula83 · 26/12/2020 06:03

Men just don't get the sentiment. Don't make it an issue. Its not worth it.

Schehezarade · 26/12/2020 06:12

Is he pissed off that the lovely family home he expected after baby arrived did not happen - you had the baby to yourself in hospital he was working at home with no acknowledgement of his sadness at not having the new baby there or support from anyone.
So when you arrive home he is still feeling sorry for himself.
Not sure what to do - you have both missed the first days /weeks together. A present would have been nice but probably he was feeling sorry for himself. A Daddy present is a bit daft though.
Also the photos sound a bit like punishment. Aren't there timers on iphones - can't you both make your 'we are all dressed up with perfect baby together for NY2021 photo' and send a happy family pic to all?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families
Motherofmonsters · 26/12/2020 06:18

I have to tell DH to take photos as he doesn't take photos of anything. So I just say take a photo of us.

I never think about presents from the baby at Christmas or birthdays. Granted DH does do it for nannies and grandads as well as me but I forget every year to do it. It's one of those things that aren't on some peoples radar.

Mdmd · 26/12/2020 06:26

I have never heard of having to have an acknowledgement of your first Christmas as a mummy. Do you mean on social media?

He did get you nice gifts.

Is everything else ok?

lifestooshort123 · 26/12/2020 06:28

I don't get the present and card bit - weird, it's as though you want constant praising for giving birth. I'd get photos sorted out by asking him to take some when you're looking your best. If you feel as strongly about gifts and cards then ask him to do it next time but it really is sweating the small stuff - possibly he thinks you're odd for having done it? I'd concentrate on him being more supportive day-to-day.

Billben · 26/12/2020 06:32

Stuff like this wouldn’t even register to me. You seem precious and immature. I foresee plenty of heartache for you I’m afraid if you are this expecting of things.

Dinosauraddict · 26/12/2020 06:34

It was my DS first Christmas too. My DH is awful at taking photos (just not interested) so baby and I do lots of selfies. I asked for one photo of the three of us in advance yesterday and he agreed but we still haven't taken it. I would've been very upset if I hadn't had a present from the baby, although I'm not sure the bottle of vodka he got me would've been quite what you were after. We also buy each other a small jokey gift from the dogs though too - so not getting a present from baby would've been very weird. I definitely put more effort in this year, but it has been a tough year - give people a bit more leeway. All that really matters is we got to spend DS first Christmas altogether, and that we're all relatively healthy. I nearly died this year, my perspective has definitely changed.

VainAbigail · 26/12/2020 06:48

@Billben

Stuff like this wouldn’t even register to me. You seem precious and immature. I foresee plenty of heartache for you I’m afraid if you are this expecting of things.
This ^
whatwherewhywhenhow · 26/12/2020 06:51

Whether it’s right or wrong, the reality is that Christmas becomes a lot more about your kids and their experience and parents tend to take a back seat to that. You’re just not the centre of the universe anymore. Like I said, not saying that is right or wrong but maybe your husband is thinking more of the child than you. In our house that’s accepted and deemed reasonable. If you feel otherwise then you need to communicate that.

Roselilly36 · 26/12/2020 07:02

Sorry you were disappointed OP, definitely a communication issue, I know I am guilty of expecting my DH to read my mind at times too. Say what you want/need or expect, and your partner should do the same. It will save you both a lot of stress.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2020 07:34

@Wineandshine it sounds like your sadness at the lack of acknowledgment at Christmas is just scratching the surface of a deeper issue of communication.

This comment of yours is telling ...

when I was allowed home he went straight upstairs to finish his work because us coming home was clearly a disruption!

He is emotionally absent from your relationship and doesn't invest in any of the opportunities like your homecoming that would otherwise have made you feel loved and special to him. Is he always this cold?

Feeling lonely in a relationship is the worst feeling of all.

Aria2015 · 26/12/2020 07:41

@Wineandshine I remember 3 months after my first was born it was my birthday and my dh did make a lovely effort (as always) but I didn't get a card 'to mummy' and I was unexpectedly disappointed. I just gently mentioned it to my dh and he's always remembered since. I know it's nice to feel acknowledged and appreciated as a mum, especially in those early months so I get your disappointment. I'd just be honest with your dh, thank him for what he got you but just say how much you'd appreciate a card or little something from your baby next time as it would mean a lot to you.

As for the photos, most of mine are selfies lol! But perhaps telling your dh that you're looking into some rather pricey photo shoots for someone to take some nice professional photos when lockdown eases might give him a kick up the bum!?

zigaziga · 26/12/2020 07:45

So he got you nice presents but you’re sad he didn’t specifically get you a pretend present from the baby?

I honestly can’t get my head around this, but then I’m someone that didn’t want or expect (or indeed, receive) anything for Mother’s Day until my child was old enough to learn about Mother’s Day at school and make a card. I can’t quite get my head around why you would want a present from an adult with a fake label on it saying it’s from the baby? Isn’t that bit actually meaningless?

I think not taking photos is a different matter and you should be able to have a

Djouce · 26/12/2020 07:49

@LunaLula83

Men just don't get the sentiment. Don't make it an issue. Its not worth it.
I’m female. I don’t get the sentiment. I don’t think we even got our baby Christmas presents for his first Christmas — I mean, he was only about eight months and hadn’t really progressed to toys — far less ‘acknowledging’ my first Christmas of parenthood. You say your husband got you some nice presents — would your life only have been complete if you got some kind of bad taste apron with MUMMY’s FIRST CHRISTMAS on it, that was supposedly from the baby?
chocolatesweets · 26/12/2020 07:54

I know what you mean - bless you. Sounds like you had a difficult time being pregnant and want some acknowledgement for that - which is totally understandable. Have you talked to anyone about what was difficult? As a mum, you are expected to self sacrifice - which you don't have to do. There is a lot of social pressure to do so though. I think you need to talk to someone about these issues. Best wishes.

mrsnibblesisahero · 26/12/2020 07:56

Photos absolutely. First Christmas as a Mummy, I don't get that either I'm afraid.

SpiderGwen · 26/12/2020 08:00

Sorry, OP, I’m afraid YABU.

That’s not a Thing. I don’t know anyone who had a “first Christmas as a mum” card or gift.

Irre247 · 26/12/2020 08:12

I don’t think you’re being precious at all and am a bit shocked by some of the replies you’ve had.

Having a first baby is so completely life changing, even without any complications, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a partner to acknowledge and recognise that through a few simple gestures.

You’ve acknowledged he is now “daddy” not just “OH” and I don’t think a “mummy” card is too much to ask for.

As for photos, I’m exactly the same with 2 kids with 2 dads, they just don’t think and it feels weird to ask someone to take more photos- especially when it’s the natural, spur of the moment ones that are the best- you don’t want to have to pose, you want them to just capture a moment.

I think if you can gently point out that you are upset and expect him to be defensive at first, it might give him a kick up the bum in time for Mothering Sunday.

Irre247 · 26/12/2020 08:16

Also I think there’s a difference between wanting a “mummy” card when it’s the first Christmas you have been a mummy, so the first opportunity to get a “mummy” card, and a “congratulations it’s your first Christmas as a mummy” card, which probably doesn’t exist.

OP just wants some acknowledgment that she grew, delivered and has been raising a tiny human and as a result is now a mummy. She’s acknowledged OH’s new status as daddy, she’s done her part.

Persipan · 26/12/2020 08:17

I think that applying your own specific standards of giving gifts to receiving them from others is a recipe for disappointment.

This. OP, I think some of the replies on this thread have come across a bit 'why would you want such a thing in the first place?' which is missing the point. It's totally fine to want whatever approach to these things you want. Your dea of having something to commemorate your first Christmas as a mother sounds really sweet. (Heck, what I wanted to do to mark this, my first Christmas with my baby, was to stage a Christmas card photo of us where I'm the girl from the test card and he's the clown doll. And I did, and it's awesome. You do you.) But it does sound as though your partner doesn't approach things in quite the same way, and if you haven't absolutely spelled out the significance of what your wanted (in words, not just by getting him similar things in the past) then I can understand why he might not have realised that.

May I wholeheartedly recommend, in this horrible year, getting yourself a present? Circumstances (I'm a single parent, and my dad who is our bubble came down with some horrible lurgy that may or may not be that lurgy a week ago and still can't get out of bed, let alone drive a couple of hundred miles) meant that I was on my own with the baby for our first Christmas yesterday and I totally did give myself a couple of things I wanted. Get yourself something really nice that's exactly what you wanted to mark this Christmas with your baby.

On the photos front, I've discovered that my phone does a really handy thing where if you take a video, you can export frames from it - it can be a bit easier than taking selfies or trying to use a timer, when you want to take pictures of yourself with your baby.

The thing I am really looking forward to won't happen for a couple of years yet - I want to send my kiddo out with one of my friends and a bit of cash, and have him pick me a present. I am 100% sure it'll be utterly bizarre (or, you know, some Lego that mummy will definitely really, really like) and I can't wait!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/12/2020 08:44

Never heard of first Christmas as a mummy either. I thought it was only school that did cards and arty things for children to give to their parents when they are old enough to do themselves.

I’d find it weird if my DH expected me to thank him for becoming a father, likewise the same reversed.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/12/2020 08:46

OP just wants some acknowledgment that she grew, delivered and has been raising a tiny human and as a result is now a mummy

Presumably though she wanted a child so just went through the process of pregnancy to have one. Nothing unique about it.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 26/12/2020 08:46

May I wholeheartedly recommend, in this horrible year, getting yourself a present?

This is absolutely stellar advice. It took me far too long to figure that out. It becomes even more important once you start a family. Treat yourself, love yourself, value yourself. Buy yourself something nice and enjoy it.

TisTheSeasonToEatLots · 26/12/2020 08:47

@Persipan why would you want to send your child out with cash to buy you a gift so you can pretend they bought you something? Children make things in school, Christmas cards, decorations etc for their parents as a present, I'm far more appreciative of this than a box of bubble bath my mate picked for me with my child in tow. My parents still put our tree decorations we made in primary school on the tree to this day and we are in our 30s and 40s!!! The best gifts you receive as a parent are the ones your child has made, when they are actually old enough to make them.