Feeling knocked down all the time

[Downandupdownandup]

NC for this.

I just am feeling it tonight.

I escaped an abusive marriage and for 6 years I've worked on me and my boundaries etc but 6 years later endless court cases concerning custody -not getting easier although we have got a restraining order -but he is fighting it and trying to get it lifted. Still custody is being argued.

Moved 6 hours away with court permission to start and new job and have a new start back in my home town. Moved in with my parents. They are in their 70s and they offered.

They now want us to move out only been here a few weeks -we agreed 6 months as my house needed to sell and is on the market. I need to get equity out and pay off a shit load of debt. I can not make ends meet and am in serious debt. I have no savings.
Tonight parents -told me I have a few choices -as they have 'changed their mind due to Covid' and yes they have form for this. I nearly relocated 17 years ago back home and at the last minute they withdrew their deposit for a house as I was about to exchange as it wasn't 'their' choice and they weren't sure. So I moved up North as I was angry -and an abusive marriage later I'm back with two teenagers. Except I had counselling as I wanted to make sure the move was for the right reasons and took a year to get this far. Today my mother complained of chest pains during lunch and had to sit down, and told me she was having a heart attack but wouldn't let me phone an ambulance and then buggered off to B&Q with my Dad. Tonight she told me she's ready "to top herself" due to Covid and me being here with the kids as they are going to infect her. The kids are as good as gold. We don't go out to see anyone (tier 2 going to tier 3) as they will not allow us. But they bugger off out 3-4 times a day.

Choices-

1. Move in with a friend 45 minutes away we would have one bedroom, but it buggers the children and their school etc as they have both started new schools. We could do this -if push comes to shove.
2. Move back to where I have a house -but I have no job the kids have no school as they have now starting GCSEs and been enrolled in local schools by court order.
3. My parents say they will find me somewhere of their choice to rent and pay upfront for 6 months and I will pay them back out of house sale
4. Parents say we can stay here if I don't go to work and the kids don't go to school
5. Other suggestions from my parents is give the kids to my ex - which I just think is ridiculous. As I spent a fortune reducing acess as he is abusive.

Right now I just hate my life. Any time things look like they are perking up or a light at the end of tunnell -I get someone or something giving me another kicking. I can't take anymore.

My Dad has just gone to bed and said "Can't do anything until tomorrow. Have a nice sleep and we can talk again in morning". I won't fucking sleep and it's not fair.

My head is spinning. Merry christmas.

Congratulations on your new job and making the move! If you have a job, can you afford rent? Or are you covering mortgage for the house?

Can your ex move into the house in the interim? Or can you switch to interest only until the sale?

This is horrendously stressful, at an already tense time of year - but depending where you are, perhaps your bank would be willing to discuss options?

I can't afford rent. One of the reasons for relocation is we can't afford the mortgage. Ex has his own house. Can't rent it if I'm selling it etc

Not slept here -going to be a long day.

God - that is awful

Least bad option would be for them to rent the place as at least you would be away from them. Obviously there is the issue of where it is etc/cost But I don't think you can stay with friends in one room - particularly when it looks like schools will shut

Can you rent out the house you're paying a mortgage on?

I'd take them up no the offer to rent but if they've form for letting you down / bring controlling don't pin hopes until it's signed and sealed.

Speak to your local Shelter, Womans Aid or Local Authority Housing office. They will be able to give the correct up to date advice for your area. Best of luck xxx

Well from one abuser back to abusive parents

I would speak to shelter and see if your parents kick you out whether the local council will have an obligation to house you locally due to

Having escaped an abuser
The move was court approved
Connections in area
The house is being sold
Your job is here
Local connections
Currently resident

Etc

Hopefully you will have a case for their help in staying in your current area. They may do a rent deposit scheme. When abuse is involved there are obligations for them to help despite you owning a property so long as you can evidence you are selling it.

This sucks OP
The only option that you haven’t covered is your parents making you homeless and getting an emergency council place
Horrible stress
But in
My city (London) it works
People get housing

Either way I wish you well and hope that my the end of 2021 you 3 have a stable home and education

Thanks. At the moment they are trying to peel the teenagers away with promises of christmas treats and drinks. Called eldest down and asked them what time they wanted lunch. I said I didn't want any -not eaten since yesterday lunch -myself, so they said they would make a nice christmas lunch for themselves and the kids. They have forbidden me from phoning a friend and going to hers, as it is "unfair and I always ruin everyone's christmas" so I feel like I can't ring her or anyone - I just feel tempted to drive back "home" at least my house has no one bullying me. I had so much counselling and after years of going NC with my parents, things were finally much better.

So I expect they will be popping champagne any minute (seriously) for their "christmas drinks" whilst I'm in tears upstairs. We went out for a walk this morning and when we came back they were out -we didn''t have a key and had to wait on the drive for an hour. We aren't allowed a key etc.

@hopeishere

Can you rent out the house you're paying a mortgage on?

I'd take them up no the offer to rent but if they've form for letting you down / bring controlling don't pin hopes until it's signed and sealed.

Yes potentially but not by the 1st January.

I'd go for option 3 OP.

Let them sort out this problem. They invited you there now they've changed their minds, let them pay for somewhere new. If they can afford it, surely you could rent somewhere new very quickly?

Have you talked about ways of mitigating the risk for them in the meantime? Could you go straight up to change your clothes and shower as soon as you get back when you've been to work/school?

Have something to eat OP, you'll feel better for it. And try not to react. If it's any consolation I think there are so many of us feeling a bit let down this year by 'family'.

Its rubbish for you and rubbish timing. You will probably be happier out of the house and away from them but that doesnt tke away from the worry right now as to where you are going to live. I can also guarantee that if you had not moved down you wpould be hearing a load of nonsense about how isolated they were because of covid and you living so far away. In the meantime as others have said I would accept their offer to rent you somewhere but meanwhile be peddling furiously to ensure you werent reliant on that for long.

Oh god, op, let the nasty, bullying bastards pay for your home for the next 6 months. Don't bloody pay them back either! When the house is sold and you're sorted, go back to nc. Fuck em, op! They're vile. Think of your great future and have a secret smile to yourself. You'll be free from all of the abusive walkers soon enough. Hold your head up high that you will never be like them and onwards!

Not walkers!!! WANKERS, FUCKING WANKERS!!!

Whatever you do cut contact with your parents afterwards. Your parents are horrible to you.

Phone your friend if she offered.

Let them find you a house and pay rent on it for six months.

This allows you and you children space together and you sell your house and get your job under way.

Focus on getting the house sold and then go back NC with them when its all done.

Hi op. Call your mate and see if you can stay with her. You'll and your dc will be much happier away from such toxic miserable old farts.

Well we had a huge row and I packed the car up. Kids crying and was looking at a 6 hour drive back to a cold, unheated, empty fridge and freezer etc My Mother threw the turkey and our christmas presents saying I was selfish and running away "like I always do". Kids crying. Eldest was sobbing saying the row made her feel like my ex husband did -she is no contact with him. Saying it's not my fault I'm always abused but she hates the rowing and can't cope as she thinks it just makes me ill and I was so ill with the ex -down to less than 6 stone at one time as I just couldn't it. She cried remembering being 8 and him hitting me calling me a selfish cow and said I never deserved it but all the time it screwed her up and she just wanted him to stop and he never did until we left.

My father says I ruin everything and Covid is not their fault. But that we can't stay as things with Covid are worse not better and the kids all go to different schools increasing the risk. Ex says he is picking them up boxing day whatever the risk to my parents. They are screaming that if the youngest goes -court ordered -he is not coming back.

I just want to crawl into a hole and die. My life is shit -it's been shit since birth.

I phoned my best friend and she can't believe that they are back to being vile after years of being nice. Then she cried as her Dad died 2 years ago and she said, that listening to me made her realise how wonderful he was compared to mine. It's horrid. So I made her cry too.

What a sodding christmas.

@madroid

I'd go for option 3 OP.

Let them sort out this problem. They invited you there now they've changed their minds, let them pay for somewhere new. If they can afford it, surely you could rent somewhere new very quickly?

Have you talked about ways of mitigating the risk for them in the meantime? Could you go straight up to change your clothes and shower as soon as you get back when you've been to work/school?

Have something to eat OP, you'll feel better for it. And try not to react. If it's any consolation I think there are so many of us feeling a bit let down this year by 'family'.

The kids strip to their underpants in the garage and clothes in the machine then straight in the wash etc -

I have two teenagers and a 6 year old.

@Fluffycloudland77

Whatever you do cut contact with your parents afterwards. Your parents are horrible to you.

Phone your friend if she offered.

At times I have been years NC but it makes me miserable. I went no constact once for 2 years and it was horrid. Really horrid. Exes family are abusive so eldest have no contact with them. They are the only family we have and we have just moved 300 miles to them to be closer. I've had counselling. They are both so loving and nice at times. I'm always painted as unreasonable -they are just nice folk trying to keep safe etc. They are very wealthy but it is clear they see me as pathetic and I don't want to take money from them.

Please go to your friends.

Your parents aren't nice they are controllers. They are reasonable only when they are in control and calling all the shots.

Loving parents would have already sorted out helping you into rental. For their DGC even if not for you.

Honestly how can nc be worse than this?.

This is hideous and whatever they say this is not your fault.

Go to your friends. On the 28th present to the council as homeless.

Go NC with your parents.

For those of you saying NC I'm 45 and I've tried going NC several times. Not talking to them for years but then I'm lonely. They and I go up and down and up and down and up down etc but after 10 years I really thought it was on the up -3 really really good years-very nice to me on the whole and now it's back down low again.

I just hate it. I want to take a bottle of paracetemol and go out for a long long walk and not come back That's how I feel. Youngest can go to my ex and eldest too. Game over. That's how I feel. I won't -because I have been lower and more suicidal before and always made it through to morning.

Sat at xmas eve dinner, I'm crying. Parents making jolly talk and making jokes. Little one loving their jokes. Eldest two -looking at me I'm trying not to cry and my mother says "For god's sakes pull yourself together. You're runing xmas ever it's not fair on A & E" etc. I just want to die.

If this was a man doing this to you the freedom program would be recommended but your parents seem to like causing you problems then have a go at you for being upset.

It’s no bloody wonder you feel suicidal, who wouldn’t? Total mind fuck.