Feeling knocked down all the time

[Downandupdownandup]

NC for this.

I just am feeling it tonight.

I escaped an abusive marriage and for 6 years I've worked on me and my boundaries etc but 6 years later endless court cases concerning custody -not getting easier although we have got a restraining order -but he is fighting it and trying to get it lifted. Still custody is being argued.

Moved 6 hours away with court permission to start and new job and have a new start back in my home town. Moved in with my parents. They are in their 70s and they offered.

They now want us to move out only been here a few weeks -we agreed 6 months as my house needed to sell and is on the market. I need to get equity out and pay off a shit load of debt. I can not make ends meet and am in serious debt. I have no savings.
Tonight parents -told me I have a few choices -as they have 'changed their mind due to Covid' and yes they have form for this. I nearly relocated 17 years ago back home and at the last minute they withdrew their deposit for a house as I was about to exchange as it wasn't 'their' choice and they weren't sure. So I moved up North as I was angry -and an abusive marriage later I'm back with two teenagers. Except I had counselling as I wanted to make sure the move was for the right reasons and took a year to get this far. Today my mother complained of chest pains during lunch and had to sit down, and told me she was having a heart attack but wouldn't let me phone an ambulance and then buggered off to B&Q with my Dad. Tonight she told me she's ready "to top herself" due to Covid and me being here with the kids as they are going to infect her. The kids are as good as gold. We don't go out to see anyone (tier 2 going to tier 3) as they will not allow us. But they bugger off out 3-4 times a day.

Choices-

1. Move in with a friend 45 minutes away we would have one bedroom, but it buggers the children and their school etc as they have both started new schools. We could do this -if push comes to shove.
2. Move back to where I have a house -but I have no job the kids have no school as they have now starting GCSEs and been enrolled in local schools by court order.
3. My parents say they will find me somewhere of their choice to rent and pay upfront for 6 months and I will pay them back out of house sale
4. Parents say we can stay here if I don't go to work and the kids don't go to school
5. Other suggestions from my parents is give the kids to my ex - which I just think is ridiculous. As I spent a fortune reducing acess as he is abusive.

Right now I just hate my life. Any time things look like they are perking up or a light at the end of tunnell -I get someone or something giving me another kicking. I can't take anymore.

My Dad has just gone to bed and said "Can't do anything until tomorrow. Have a nice sleep and we can talk again in morning". I won't fucking sleep and it's not fair.

My head is spinning. Merry christmas.

Your parents are abusive too sorry

If I were your friend I would want to help you out. Please phone your friend.

OP please know things are going to get so much better for you. And please, please go NC with your abusive parents - you deserve so much more.

They sound exactly like mine - going NC with them was probably the most difficult, and the best thing I ever did for myself.

Ask your friend for help - that’s a great start.

And please know there is a total stranger here on Christmas Eve, sending you hope and lots of strength

I'm curled up in bed with eldest DD. Mid one is watching netflix on their kindle in their room and youngest one fast asleep.

My parents had a massive go at us for watching TV in my room etc this morning, calling me a disgusting, dirty, cow (in front of DC) and saying the bed was not meant for me and DD to be watching a DVD in and youngest sitting nicely on the floor (laptop on a chest of drawers, playing a film quietly)-saying they would need to replace the bed when we moved out and we would owe them £5,000 for a new bed and to recorate the room etc insisting we did it in one of the lounges. The reason for doing in the bedroom was to keep them out of the way of constantly being told off.

They therefore took my work laptop -ie netflix out of my room and said it wasn't to be used other than for me to do work in the study.

I'm not joking when I say when I arrived last week -I made a cup of tea. My father told me off for putting the wrong water in, I put cold in and not hot, the tap was too fast, I put in the main part of the kettle and that was wrong, I didn't warm the cup, leave the tea bag in long enough or enough milk etc. Youngest has been told off for walking on the carpets too heavily in his slippers (he wasn't drawing his feet etc). Constantly told off for not cutting his pizza properly, not drinking water properly,not sitting straight -the list goes on -it reminds me of my childhood. I was a nervous wreck when I left home.

I said to eldest DD it's like I was born with a huge heart shaped hole -wanting someone to love me, no one did and I got into an abusive love bombing relationship to fill the hole.

Instead ex made it bigger -and now how they hell to I fill it? I just want to be loved. I'm not bad person or mum -although accordingly to them DGC will end up just like me -because "I'm their mother and have screwed them up".

We then sat in the lounge and watched the snowman and they got up and went in their bedroom that was 8pm and we haven't seen them since. The house is all locked up and silent.

So I guess they went to bed without telling us or saying goodnight.

I need to be strong for my kids.
I haven't ruined them as my father says. Neither have I messed us all up. After all this -we will be debt free and have a deposit for a house. Eldest wants to buy a house when she finishes medical school and live all together. At the moment that's a dream a lifetime away but we will see.

We moved here for them as well as us, to "enjoy their final years" what a joke.

I'm thinking back and this is one of the worst christmases ever.

@Greenleaf2

OP please know things are going to get so much better for you. And please, please go NC with your abusive parents - you deserve so much more.

They sound exactly like mine - going NC with them was probably the most difficult, and the best thing I ever did for myself.

Ask your friend for help - that’s a great start.

And please know there is a total stranger here on Christmas Eve, sending you hope and lots of strength

Thank you. I did go NC. I did for 2 years after the house situation. It was awful. I have no other family. I felt very very lonely. How do you cope? how do you heal? because I didn't. I had counselling and worked on boundaries etc

I thought I had a good network of friends and then covid hit and the nice relationship over the last 3 years got really nice -phone calls x4 a day I felt really supported.

Then we put the house on the market, I got a job here, the kids got into school within walking distance and now poof ...........here we are 6 months later.

Your parents are nasty bastards OP.

The big thing that helped me was realising my parents didn’t actually have my best interests at heart. That was very difficult to come to terms with, it helped me get clear on things, and take care of myself. And I had loads of therapy - with good therapists. Some of them really aren’t good at all.

The other thing I found super helpful was the relationships board here on Mumsnet. There are many more people than you think in your situation. You can probably ask the admins here to move your post. Really helpful, knowledgeable posters there.

Take care OP. It will get better .

Also - your kids sound bloody brilliant.

Your parents are awful OP, they’re abusive. Please phone your friend and go NC with them.

Check out the Stately Homes thread on Relationships where you will find others who have toxic parents.

Well this morning we are up. I didn't sleep well. The kids have opened their presents and enjoyed it.
My parents had a go at me for their expensive bottles of stuff I got saying "We told you not to get us anything, yet again you didn't listen".

Each DC gave me a present, which I had brought myself.

My parents -nothing -not even a card. Heard a hushed conversation from them between themselves about "Are you going to get her presents?" and the reply "No let's leave it and maybe give them to her for her birthday" (that would be July then if they were talking about me) might not have been referring to me of course, although I expect it was.

@TheSilveryPussycat

Check out the Stately Homes thread on Relationships where you will find others who have toxic parents.

I will do.

Ok my Dad has just spoken to me and said "Sorry we didn't get you anything for christmas we've been too busy!" WFAT and then said "Don't now getting go getting upset and ruining christmas day, you will ruin today and well as yesterday for the kids too"

They are plain nasty and you are their scape goat for everything.

Your parents sound awful, but I also think fundamentally adult children need to make themselves independent of their parents, otherwise everyone gets trapped in a cycle of bad behaviour (which includes both histrionic cardiac symptoms and sulking upstairs refusing to eat when you are an adult with teenage children).

Personally I would move back to your house, put the children back in the school they have presumably recently left, and get the house sold. Option 3 depends on your parents doing what they say they will do, and also keeps you tied to them like a resentful teenager. Asking to be housed when you own a house is tricky too. Going to your friend's might be a short term option, but is unlikely to be sustainable for long.

I don't think I was sulking upstairs with teenage children, more that being told off every 30 seconds for anything from walking too heavily on the carpet or not sitting up straight to watch TV, was stressful and we thought it would be easier if we kept out of the way. We were just trying to keep out of it.

Unfortunately I have no job to go back to -my post is filled and no way to pay the morgtage on the house. All the kids were at outstanding schools and their places have been filled -private bus places lost etc. So what then? No income. Also having gone to court to relocate and been given permission to do so -I've wasted a few more thousand and ex will take me to cleaners and go for custody of youngest -he's already demanding 100% of all school holidays. I'd be in default of my new contract -lose places at the local schools they were in -all were over subscibed etc -truly awful. It's a nightmare.

So just go back??

I can't lose this job.

@Downandupdownandup

Ok my Dad has just spoken to me and said "Sorry we didn't get you anything for christmas we've been too busy!" WFAT and then said "Don't now getting go getting upset and ruining christmas day, you will ruin today and well as yesterday for the kids too"

Oh god, they are winding you up so that when you get upset you look like the crazy one. I know how hard it is (I already failed at this with my ex this morning) but grey rock, grey rock, grey rock/ smile and say "no problem I have all the gifts I need here with my beautiful children" or similar. If you want them to leave you be, be neutral, if you want to annoy them somewhat then be blissfully untouchably HAPPY and know it is not forever. Also the carpets thing sounds like my Stepdad. My mum wonders why I dont visit that much. I could write a dissertation on the reasons!

In your shoes I would scramble to make sure you can stay where you are however possible, this includes not letting your parents provoke you into leaving even earlier by picking a fight (although you dont want to be there longer than absolutely necessary); agreeing to their offer of help with the rent but not relying on it; peddling furiously to get somewhere, anywhere to rent/stay. You can always trade up when you are bit more established and I think even a tiny space that is yours is better than being beholden to your parents.

"My parents had a go at me for their expensive bottles of stuff I got saying "We told you not to get us anything, yet again you didn't listen"."

I mean you could say something like "Oh, but I want to treat you while you are still here and in possession of your faculties. You are getting on a bit so we cant take christmases for granted anymore". I mean dont actually say it, it would likely inflame things. But you can think it.

I'd take the money off your parents but ONLY if they give it to you upfront in cash/bank transfer before you start searching. Knowing their history they may withdraw the offer at the last minute.

Oh this is horrendous. I am sorry. You must all have such terrible anxiety. I really think I’d do whatever I could to get the DC away from your parents.

@YourWurstNightmare

I'd take the money off your parents but ONLY if they give it to you upfront in cash/bank transfer before you start searching. Knowing their history they may withdraw the offer at the last minute.

If they take out the contract -fine.

Viewing somewhere Tuesday.

Think it will be good for us actually as hard as it is.

Feeling better. Kids asked me to go on the walk. DF walked ahead and said nothing to me. Feel much better now and looking forward to the future and going on contact on my terms when we move out.

And bugger I’ve just ordered myself some nice lounge wear, some nice bookmarks and a lovely book on art. Self love on Xmas day. I’ve apologised to the kids for crying. They said they understood and I said when I’m back from dropping youngest off tomorrow we will write New Years resolution. I want to learn more about famous art. Eldest has a book of Shakespeare a day which they wanted and I’m going to do some self learning and education and work on me 13 months of me.

For what its worth your teenagers sound great (I am sure they are not perfect and have their moments but from what you have written they sound like good 'uns). Additionally, you yourself said that you had a number of good friends in your old area who turned out to be very good friends when Corona happened. One even offered to let you and your children stay in her small house - I know it isnt suitable but to have someone willing to offer that is rare!
I am not saying this in a twee count your blessings way - I am sure you are aware you are fortunate already. However it is not JUST luck - to have such well raised teenagers and good friends especially after what you have been too says a lot about you as well. You sound like a lovely, decent person despite your abusive ex and your parents, for that reason alone I think you will come through this OK. While it isnt an ideal situation for your children, I think seeing you struggle and deal with knockbacks etc will be helpful to them in the long run - to show that life goes on after disaster and despite the best efforts of shitty people is actually one of the best lessons you can give a young person.
And the resolutions ideas sound great. I am already jealous that your eldest wanted a shakespeare book for Christmas.

Oh my goodness this sounds a very hard situation for you. I honestly would go back to your house wait for it to sell and find somewhere new. I think you parents renting you somewhere sounds great in theory but reading how they are with you it will just be used as control then they will have access to start controlling your DC’s.
However disruptive I would go just pack up and go home but plan where you would like to move to. You don’t have to go NC with your parents but perhaps live a couple of hours away and dip in and out at your choice.
Hope things improve for you OP.