Why is nobody talking about this Christmas conspiracy?

[SinkGirl]

Over the last few years I’ve started to suspect a growing conspiracy, as it’s worse every year...

I firmly believe that manufacturers of all products are in a conspiracy with wrapping paper manufacturers, to package every item in a way that makes it approximately 1cm too wide to be wrapped up using the width of the wrapping paper, so you have to turn it around and use the length. Then the packaging for smaller items is made to be too big for the many offcuts. This is the only explanation for the fact that this has happened with EVERY BLOODY THING I HAVE WRAPPED THIS YEAR. I would avoid it and go for gift bags but they are in on it too.

This must be deliberate and I’m sure it goes all the way to the top.

Also, Amazon being on a mission to fill up by recycling bins across the country by sending every item in a separate box that’s at least two sizes too big, and filled with paper that barely compresses. Have yet to figure out their motive but I’m sure there is one.

I really wanted a yule log in my tesco order but the normal size ones were out of stock so one to serve 10 practically added itself to my basket. Tesco wants to keep me fat, clearly.

What other Christmas conspiracies am I missing?

@Ohdoleavemealone

I think you just havn't cracked it yet OP. Those boxes where you are thinking you will need to use too much, just turn it 45 degrees so it looks like a diamond and wrap it. Uses less paper!

But then the patterns would run diagonally... just the thought of that brings me out in a cold sweat.

It isn't just wrapping paper though, is it?

Baking foil manufacturers are in on it too. Looks wide enough, but they make it so it is 1mm too small to go over the food and the tin.

And don't get me started on cake tin sizes. Despite having cupboards full of the things, every recipe ever written calls for a cake tin in a size I haven't got.

I also don't understand how anyone is getting slimmer this Christmas. I had physio last week and he expressed surprise that I had not managed to get fitter but indeed had got fatter. Apparently everyone is now enjoying exercise more because without a commute they have more time for it.

What fresh hell is this? Why are they all not eating 3 Choranges at once? Is there some weird exercise conspiracy that I don't know about?

The best think I ever did was buy a tape dispenser. Just a big old heavy thing with serrated blade. It's brilliant.

Someone has hoarded all of the dark chocolate oranges - not a one to be bought in these parts. Probably the same bastard who has scooped out all of the chocolate so that the slices are now paper thin and concave.

5050 - I got these, they're brilliant. And reusable!

Scissors. Always hidden just before you need them

I save the off cuts for small stocking presents. But agree that things are made the wrong size for paper or paper is too small for gifts! I cut a lovely piece for a box to find it was 1cm too short to go round 🙄 So it now sits in the bag waiting the right size gift.
I was very happy this morning when the last piece on the roll fitted my last present perfectly! Not sure how it happened, but I was very impressed.

I have been known, for running out of Christmas wrapping paper, with a few more presents to wrap, so I use reasonable pieces of left over different papers, cut square pieces from them and sellotape them together, to make another sizeable piece for another present, so I end up with multi patterned wrapping paper, so quite distinctive looking,, waste not wan't not is me.!

My local Aldi has some sort of memory wipe on the entrance which means I can’t remember how many children I have so I come out with too much or not enough chocolates and need to go back.

Sprouts are a Christmas conspiracy. Tradition to eat them with Christmas dinner so everyone dutifully buys them.

No one has sprouts at any other time and no one actually likes them. ‘Traditional Christmas Dinner’ was just set up as a massive marketing exercise to sell sprouts.

@noelgiraffe you talk a lot of sense in all your other threads, but you are wrong about the sprouts. Sprouts are delicious. I always cook extra so I can keep them in the fridge to have some cold for snacking on.

This has really cheered me up! I have felt so low today. A d it’s. Ice to read something lighthearted!

[quote thenewaveragebear1983]@noelgiraffe you talk a lot of sense in all your other threads, but you are wrong about the sprouts. Sprouts are delicious. I always cook extra so I can keep them in the fridge to have some cold for snacking on. [/quote]

Cold sprouts are so 2020.

Every shop has a memory wiping section under the entrance as I always forget how many children I have or the size of gifts meaning I end up with shit loads of the wrong paper left and then last year's Santa paper sitting there and I'm all "I can't use that. They'll remember!" They won't.
I also treat the whole of December as the chance to eat. This isn't a conspiracy I realise. And every year I forget tags

todger Not just me then

use Japanese method of wrapping on diagonal or make cloth christms bags to use again and again - I started makeing a few each year and this year we are wrap free - wooo bin all to ourselve rofl

I am a pretty obsessive crafter - I can knit or crochet or paper cut you something insanely complex but no matter how much I try I can neither cut now sew fabric in a straight line. I once did a papercut with hundreds of tiny parallel straight cuts but give me a sewing machine and I can’t do it.

I am going to say this is also part of the conspiracy, because that’s better than me just being useless.

I can’t believe no one has mentioned the ultimate Christmas conspiracy - that people still eat turkey even though it’s horrible and there are hundreds of better options. Every year I hear people talking about how to make their turkey moist and the efforts they are going to - it’s just a bigger, shitter chicken. Buy something else!

@RB68

use Japanese method of wrapping on diagonal or make cloth christms bags to use again and again - I started makeing a few each year and this year we are wrap free - wooo bin all to ourselve rofl

Have been increasing my stash upcycling children's clothes now I have admitted to myself that I will never get around to making quilts from their baby stuff.

Oh and the best thing is how quick it is to wrap, just bung it in a bag.

@FlappingPancakes

I was unable to buy one chocolate orange. They came in 3s. Which clearly forced me to eat 3 chocolate oranges rather than one.

I have about 1000000 metres of foil all year yet when I suddenly need foil for the turkey, it's the end of the roll

The sellotape fairy goes around the hour before I wish to wrap presents and hides all the sellotape usually 1 hour after every nearby shop has closed

I've spent 2 weeks telling dp to shut up with his conspiracy shit - he has been non stop on his Covid conspiracy theories for months now. Last 2 weeks we have been arguing because he insisted Boris would cancel Xmas and I said he wouldn't dare. He is the happiest dp in London today because he was right and I was wrong

I got over that chocolate orange one by buying a box of 12. #sorrynotsorry.

Michael McIntyre is very funny about sellotape.

Double sided sticky tape manufacturers have a good thing going and are 100% in cahoots with wrapping paper manufacturers.

Firstly, it's virtually impossible to peel off the backing without setting aside 2 hours to attempt to do so, and without breaking at least 3 finger nails in the process.

And, if you're lucky enough (you won't be) to think you've got hold of it first time, what actually happens is that the whole strip comes off, bringing the wrapping paper with it. So you crumple the paper up in a fury, throw it on the floor, swear loudly, resort to gin and, hey presto, suddenly you become an expert wrapper. Until you sober up that is ...

I bought an individual card for a friend, £3.50 [faint].
Wrote on the card, wrote on the envelope.
Hell's Xmas bells, the card was too big for the envelope !!
Had to cut the top of it off

We have written every card and wrapped every present and now have the remains of both last year's and this year's wrapping paper along with various tags. Also bits and pieces of various boxes of Christmas cards. I like themes and I like things matching so I will find this incredibly aggravating every time I look at them over the next year. Having to calm myself with the first Baileys of the season 🤣

@Deathraystare

Sorry, but I have that title, after opening his birthday present, DP told 8 year old DS he had done a good job of wrapping his gift