Are you ‘yourself’ with your In-Laws?

[Youngatheart00]

I ask because despite DH and I being together for 14 years and married for 10 I still feel uneasy around his parents. He and them are very close and speak often although as we live 5 hours drive away only see them a few times a year. I still feel the need to be a little fake, smiley, keep calm and carry on sort of character around them. Even after a couple of drinks I don’t really loosen up. I don’t generally have a hard time being genuine in front of others....although I am a ‘stick a brave face on it’ type of person and give little away, I suppose.

We are contemplating moving closer to the inlaws (in fact, their village!) and I’m not sure how I can / need / will behave.

Help - anyone else have a problem forming a relationship with their in-laws?

Yes totally, never felt relaxed there infact never felt so unrelaxed

God no. I'd hate them to know what a mean spirited cunt I am. Only dp knows how bad I really am!

Yep I’m the same. I find spending time with them hard as I have to be all bubbly, chatty and jokey. If I’m quiet I get critiqued by them via my DH and I’ll get given them cold shoulder for not making an effort. So now I feel I have to be like a flipping talk show host . It’s not natural for me and I find it exhausting

Yep totally same after 10 years. Would never want to be closer than we are - which is about two hours

Tough question. I am myself with them to a point as I am with most people but I don't agree with the things they feel strongly about. The are religious and judgemental at times. Very sexist. See women as the housewife and makes far more superior. So I bite my tongue. They are nice people. Different generation.

In answer to your question the same village is too close imo

Yes and no. I swear less and I'm a bit less gobby, but I'm still definitely acting like myself. Just myself for more polite reserved company.

Glad I’m not alone in this.....

Yeah also thinking same village might just be a step too far. A wonderful house has come on the market but I’m just mentally fast forwarding to them ‘popping in’ and me having to get my DIL Mask on

I love my inlaws, they're great. They also think I'm great but I am just the best version of myself around them! They know my nice easy going side. It isn't a lie, it's just that I have great respect for them and I want them to like me. However they dont know everything about me. Why should they? I am much more compliant in front of them han I usually am. They assume I am as left wing as they are, so i don't mention that I voted UKIP or that I am a Brexit supporter (which may surprise them as I am half indian and they are white english). They don't know that I once had a relationship with a woman, or that I slept with their son the first night I met him.

I offer no advice other than they don't need to know everything about you xxx

@Stompythedinosaur

God no. I'd hate them to know what a mean spirited cunt I am. Only dp knows how bad I really am!

😆😆😆

Yes and no. I swear less and I'm a bit less gobby

Hah - me. Although i'm definitely not the sort to let them make little digs and get away with it like loads of people do on here - I will say something back every time because i'm a gobshite

Yes better than around my family when they lived or I saw them.

Same as @CorianderQueen for me. Myself but the polite less argumentative version.

No. I love them dearly but I'm a wreck around them. Think Hyacinth Bucket and her nervous neighbour. I go all fingers and thumbs and don't know what to say. DH and I have been together for 12 years but they still intimidate me!

Yes I'm totally myself with my MIL (no FIL, he died many years ago) - we've known each other over 12 years.. although I probably don't swear as much in front of her 😆 Me and my SIL both get on well with her, she has no daughters so she quite likes having some female company after raising three rowdy boys.

Yes and no.

I am constantly running around offering food and drinks when they come.

If they were not there I'd be lazing about on the sofa.

Was myself when I met them

Now I badly regret it

I wish I stayed formal all along and never beleived their love bombing

Stay formal!

Best advice is, if you were gonna grow warmer together it needs to happen gradually and through your DH. So moving to the same village without much effort form DH to get you used to them abs vice Versa might put a strain on your relationship

You know him best and how he manages relationships

How was his childhood and how is he with his parents ?

I think if, in all that time, you've only met up a few times each year, then you haven't really got to a place where you are more relaxed.
It is natural to be very much 'on your best behaviour when you are first "taken to meet the parents" by your love one - everyone wants to make a good impression. It sounds like you've not really moved much beyond that into 'relaxed mode' ?

I'd have thought though, that if you are in your own home, you would surely be more relaxed, and it is them that would be 'the guests' in your home.

Not at all. And they speak a different language!

As a consequence of this they don't 'get' me at all

Hell no. I watch every word, movement, even what I eat/drink. They're judgemental a*seholes & anything they don't agree with, no matter how tiny, elicits an agressive lecture, interference or vile verbal abuse. They don't get it's why most friends/family have distanced themselves - including me.

So no, I don't act myself. But if they start on me they realise quickly they can't bully me because I tell them to bugger off & yes, DH sees it too & backs me.

Definitely not! My MIL is very religious and she'd be ashamed if she knew my real moody side! She had a glimpse of the real me when we had DS2 and I was 2 days post birth, she was sticking her nose in and getting in my way.

They're contemplating moving closer to us and I'm dreading them 'popping over' unannounced 😩

God no. Yet neither is DH. It was one of the first things I noticed about him thirty years ago. He even puts a 'posher' voice on. TAlks to his parents like remote relatives and is very submissive and non confrontational. Won't challenge or question them at all. Everything's nicey nicey.
Still does it now.

No, not at all. MIL and I are poles apart. She is dismissive of my education and is the quintessential '50s housewife. I genuinely couldn't care less what she thinks of me. Privately, I despise everything she represents and wouldn't even blink if I never saw her again.

However........I do care very much what DH thinks of me, so for his sake I act like the perfect DIL and MIL praises me to the skies. Ironic, really.

peaceanddove harsh!

Wow. I wrote this thinking I might be the only one! I feel I’m pretty much ‘authentic’ with everyone else - friends, colleagues, my own family, but there’s something about them that makes me feel I can’t let my guard down and have to be overly jolly.