Are you ‘yourself’ with your In-Laws?

[Youngatheart00]

I ask because despite DH and I being together for 14 years and married for 10 I still feel uneasy around his parents. He and them are very close and speak often although as we live 5 hours drive away only see them a few times a year. I still feel the need to be a little fake, smiley, keep calm and carry on sort of character around them. Even after a couple of drinks I don’t really loosen up. I don’t generally have a hard time being genuine in front of others....although I am a ‘stick a brave face on it’ type of person and give little away, I suppose.

We are contemplating moving closer to the inlaws (in fact, their village!) and I’m not sure how I can / need / will behave.

Help - anyone else have a problem forming a relationship with their in-laws?

My inlaws have known me since I was 16, so they've seen the worst of the teenage angst and mood swings haha. I'd say they definitely know me better than my own family actually; they take an interest in our lives, they are warm and compassionate, and they can respect our boundaries.

I try to share the absolute bare minimum with my mother because she is jealous of everything that my life has become, and so she tries to twist and poison anything nice. My father & step mother don't know us particularly well as despite living less than 200m away, they don't really make much of an effort to spend time with us, and make it very clear that we're not "real" family.

I'd say the only thing we both moderate with my in-laws is our language and general weirdness/quirkiness - I have a mouth like a docker which nobody expects of me and would probably make them quite uncomfortable. So it's not so much that I'm putting on an act, it's more about not wanting to scare them away!

No. We have a strictly delineated realm of small talk, it's dangerous to go outside of that as we have different politics and values.

I get on pretty well with mine but would definitely not want to live in the same village!

Yes and no. I am myself but not fully relaxed.

Nope and I've been married for 32 years!
I'm really polite around them and listen attentively to boring stories about people I don't know doing things I'm not interested in. I come home and have to lie down in a dark room.

Fortunately they live a long way away so I don't have to see them very often.

yes.
my in laws are fabulous people.
my own parents however still see and treat me like I'm about 10 and I'm on edge the whole time of a visit.

@ChristmasUserName2020

My MIL is like a second mum. I don’t get why people are all weird about their in-laws.

I think it is lovely you can't picture the situation where you don't have a good relationship with your pil, it is a joy I have always wanted. Sometimes the pil are just plain horrible people (mine never talk about anyone unless it is to pour criticism upon them), sometimes they are well meaning but can't accept their offspring's adulthood choices enough to accept they have picked a partner of which they don't approve so they don't accept the Dil they have and try to mould them into someone else or just obstruct all expression of themselves the Dil may try to do. But anyone who has met the general public knows some are not nice people, and yet, presumably, often have families.

I tend to shut down a bit around them. It's awkward as it's a block of 4 days per year stuck in MiL's house.

Different points of cultural reference.
I'm 10 years younger than DH, her youngest child... the older S/BiL's are a couple of years younger than my mother.
My family is out of synch with the rest of the teenage/ young adult cousins.
I don't share MiL's taste in tame murder mystery repeats of the last 30-40 years.
I get grumpy from backache from awful, antiquated sofa and bed.
It's easy to end up sandwiched between DH and his brothers and be unable to penetrate a wall of loud, dull, technical conversation. (DS and a cousin have autism and I suspect that there is more of it in the family.) Last time there was a big family dinner, I ended up pulling out the kids' colouring after a couple of hours. Oh and they don't drink and lasting that long on just water was an achievement in itself!

They're good people and I don't dislike them, it can just be a tough 4 days. I'm better seeing the siblings in smaller groups. The easiest sister is in the same occupation as me and easier to chat with.

In the evenings, I tend to shut down and read. They must think I'm far quieter than I normally am.

I don't feel I can be my true self but I can relax around them.
I was 17 when I met them, I was quite shy and eager to please. I think that impression on me has stuck and 23 years on they they see me as a posh doormat.

parlourpalm possibly