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Original poster

Are you ‘yourself’ with your In-Laws?

85 replies

Youngatheart00 · 15/12/2020 22:59

I ask because despite DH and I being together for 14 years and married for 10 I still feel uneasy around his parents. He and them are very close and speak often although as we live 5 hours drive away only see them a few times a year. I still feel the need to be a little fake, smiley, keep calm and carry on sort of character around them. Even after a couple of drinks I don’t really loosen up. I don’t generally have a hard time being genuine in front of others....although I am a ‘stick a brave face on it’ type of person and give little away, I suppose.

We are contemplating moving closer to the inlaws (in fact, their village!) and I’m not sure how I can / need / will behave.

Help - anyone else have a problem forming a relationship with their in-laws?

OP posts:

ethelredonagoodday · 16/12/2020 22:10

Yep totally. Been together for 20 years plus now and still feel on edge in their company. Don't see them very often so is not a huge problem though.

ethelredonagoodday · 16/12/2020 22:14

As in yes, I have a problem forming a relationship with them!

Avondklok · 16/12/2020 22:19

Mine are dead. Only met MIL once ever. I have a good relationship with my SILS though and DHs family in general. We're all very different as people I think but we have a laugh whenever we get together.

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Dogsaresomucheasier · 16/12/2020 22:20

No way in hell! DH is all charm and grace around them and saves his being a miserable git, (largely disability related,) for me.

I have to help him maintain the illusion for his mother!

Branstonchunk · 16/12/2020 22:21

I am with MIL and her partner, and I am with FILs partner but definitely not with FIL

lljkk · 16/12/2020 22:23

No but... I'm not myself with anyone. Rather sad, I realise.

Kolo · 16/12/2020 22:26

@grassisjeweled

Not at all. And they speak a different language!

As a consequence of this they don't 'get' me at all

My ILs speak a different language too. Think that's made things very difficult with them. I also don't see them enough to have any sort of meaningful personal relationship with them. In a good year, maybe once or twice. 2020 not seen them at all. I don't feel 'myself' with them. I'm not exactly acting, but I'm definitely not lying on the sofa in my pants and farting at 7pm when I'm round their house.

AGnu · 16/12/2020 22:30

My PILs are genuinely lovely, caring, kind people. They'd hate real-me! They're the epitome of Britishness, very prim & proper. Many people would say similar about me when they first meet me because I'm quite shy & hide behind a "good girl" façade. I can't keep it up for long though & as soon as I've known someone longer than 5 minutes I'll be more myself.

They're wonderful people but I know they'd never choose someone like me to be their friend so I play the part that's expected of me as much as I can & try to avoid staying with them for more than a few days because it's exhausting! I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable by being me though! I don't think I could drop the act now, even if I wanted to.

Pikachubaby · 16/12/2020 22:44

Yes I am myself with them, I am not a people pleaser by nature anyway (more of a contrarian)

There is a weird psychological thing I have noticed that the less you care if people like you, the more they like you , generally, does anyone else find this?

I am not rude or unpleasant though (obviously) and will make an effort, easy as I genuinely like them.

As a sort-of- MIL myself now (), I hope DS’s GF feels comfortable with me too

mistermagpie · 16/12/2020 22:49

I'm myself, I think. Well, they don't really like me so I'd be doing a crappy job if I was pretending to be better than I really am.

But I'm an angsty, awkward version of myself that I really don't like. I recently realised that I have never much liked my BIL (SILs husband) because I only ever see him when he's with them and he does the exact same things that I do! He's probably really laid back in real life.

thelegohooverer · 16/12/2020 23:25

No. I’m very quiet, barely have anything to say (mil talks over me when I do and fil can never hear me anyway) and take everything too literally.
With my own family and friends I’m bubbly, chatty and have a wry sense of humour. They wouldn’t recognise me, and honestly I don’t recognise myself.
I dread visiting them because I don’t like me very much around them but it hasn’t grown easier over the years.

ghostmous3 · 16/12/2020 23:29

Nope mil is nearly 80. Dsil is 56, dp is 50. Nice lovely well spoken family who arent very emotional.

In front of them I'm calm, no bad language and well to do..at home I'm sweary and emotional and not very posh.

I do feel very awkward to be honest. Lovely people but I've only been with dp a few years and I'm not married like they all are so feel a bit on the edge

ProfYaffle · 16/12/2020 23:35

"As far as my pil are concerned I am barely a person in my own right" - yep. My in laws consider me dh's substandard helpmeet. We're over 20 years down the line and they still don't know what my job is.

I've gone from a polite version of my usual self to a slightly too snarky slightly too drunk version of my usual self in their company.

Valkadin · 17/12/2020 08:20

My MIL once said she loved coming to mine and DH house as she could be herself, I took that as a huge compliment. My FIL was not nice and I was glad when he died as he had bullied MIL and to an extent DH. They had been divorced for years and it’s too complicated to explain but he made that woman in to an anxious wreck for decades including two decades after divorce.

MIL said she feels like I’m her guardian angel as I have a habit of ringing when she feels she needs advice or support. She has also said how it’s obvious DH and I love each other and was brilliant when DD died. My own Mother was a vile creature and MIL has been more like a Mum to me than anyone else ever has. It was not immediate, relationships take time. Our likes and hobbies could not be more diametrically opposed but I see two women who both really love the same people and it sort of made them love each other if that makes sense.

RosesAndHellebores · 17/12/2020 08:34

I thought they were marvellous for the first five years of my marriage and let down all my barriers. Then slowly but surely MIL revealed her inner bitch. Very pass ag and very opposed to mine and DH's view regarding our children's education.

We had a lot of difficulty with fertility. Her all time classic when her dd had twins was "it's such a relief that xx can perform". Both her dd's left the UK straight after university. They haven't visited much in the last 30 years. I know why.

pringlebells · 17/12/2020 08:35

I am now, it took my a few years though. They never had certain expectations or anything I just always felt uncomfortable. Once I had my DS I relaxed more around them and can be myself.

spreadyourwingsandfly1 · 17/12/2020 08:45

Mine is brutal has no filter and believes I earn mega money!
She is also extremely mean. Penny pinches over little things. They moved nearer to us recently which has its issues.

peaceanddove · 17/12/2020 08:48

@Pikachubaby

Yes I am myself with them, I am not a people pleaser by nature anyway (more of a contrarian)

There is a weird psychological thing I have noticed that the less you care if people like you, the more they like you , generally, does anyone else find this?

I am not rude or unpleasant though (obviously) and will make an effort, easy as I genuinely like them.

As a sort-of- MIL myself now (), I hope DS’s GF feels comfortable with me too

Yes, I have noticed this too. I am sociable, but am perfectly content in my own company. I'm often described as self contained and self sufficient. I like people but certainly don't need them, and I'm not a people pleaser, as a rule. And, yet I somehow have tonnes of friends? I think it's because I'm not demanding at all and definitely not needy.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 17/12/2020 09:19

Mil is now the last of our parents alive, so watchful kindness is the current mood. Disinhibition due to dementia is a bit enraging, but it'll come to us all.

Thirty years ago, when I first met them, I was struck by how similar and how different they were to my own DPs. Two men brought up in RC boarding schools, two women with artistic streaks and difficult mothers. Mil was much more anxious, Fil was much calmer.

I never really wore a mask, they didn't with me.

InTheCludgie · 17/12/2020 15:35

When I do see MIL, which isn't much in recent years, I'm quieter than normal as she tends to 'latch' onto things you say and bombard you with a million facts about whatever you have just mentioned.

As an example, a few Christmases ago she literally cornered me in the kitchen to tell me random facts about some food or other, as I had just asked DS if he wanted any of this particular food. I turned round and there she was, edging closer toward me as she talked. I hate people in my personal space so walked off as fast as I could, leaving her standing on her own in the kitchen.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 17/12/2020 15:45

Nah I’m not myself but my polite self, try to take interest in their lives and the various relatives. But they have a very different life to me and dh, they don’t get us and vice versa, doesn’t mean we can’t be polite and have a conversation though.

No way would I move nearer them

Milkshake7489 · 17/12/2020 15:46

I'm only 100% myself with my husband, sister, and mum.

But I'm nearly myself with my inlaws... definitely as close to the real me as I am with other close family members and friends.

I've known them since I was 19 though so that probably helps!

KumquatSalad · 17/12/2020 15:48

I am pretty much myself with FIL and SMIL. I’m most definitely not with MIL. She’s a really difficult person and I know she dislikes me. She has done right from the start and seemed to have decided to dislike me before she ever met me.

So I just stay very much in the background and say very little when I see her (which is not often). She’s only here to see the DSC and, to a much lesser degree, DH and the baby (but he’ll never be as important to MIL as her golden child, DSD). She certainly isn’t interested in me, so it’s best that I just leave them to it.

parlourpalm · 17/12/2020 15:52

@peaceanddove

No, not at all. MIL and I are poles apart. She is dismissive of my education and is the quintessential '50s housewife. I genuinely couldn't care less what she thinks of me. Privately, I despise everything she represents and wouldn't even blink if I never saw her again.

However........I do care very much what DH thinks of me, so for his sake I act like the perfect DIL and MIL praises me to the skies. Ironic, really.

Are you my sister in law?!

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 17/12/2020 15:54

No, I'm just me. Taught FIL some really bad words so he says but secretly he knew them anyway. They always say I'm the daughter they never had and frankly I am lucky to have an excellent relationship with them. Same in reverse for my dh and my parents.

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