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Extremely upset don't know where to start.

63 replies

Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:11

Been in tears since 10am. I have a son with SEN and am battling to get him support and feel like I'm on a never-ending rollercoaster of phonecalls between CAHMS, GP, school etc etc. Trying to do my best for my son but it's an uphill struggle. We're seriously considering getting him assessed privately. I'm so stressed and worried. Also my own financial stress to contend with.

I also have a difficult relationship with my own father, we think he has the onset of dementia as he's very awkward to deal with (has never been easy to be honest but is slowly getting worse).He's getting very forgetful and contradicts himself constantly , also says people have said things when they most definitely havent and gets really angry and agitated when people try and tell him he's wrong . Last week he swore blind my old school friend lived on the same street as she did back in the 80s when o actual fact she'd moved to Ireland with her family long ago. He just wouldn't accept it and snaps "ok shut up, whatever" when we try to explain. He comes from a long line of personality disorders and volatile tempers, his brothers and dad were the same. Could be lovely but with that split personality lurking under the surface that would erupt the minutes things didn't go their way. He's been divorced from my mum for a few years now but still in regular contact. So today I took dad for an optician appointment, we agreed previously that I'd drop him off as close to the opticians as I could and go and find somewhere to park and he would go in for his appointment. He would then ring me when he was done and I'd drive back round and pick him up. He can't walk far you see. So I went off to sit in the car in a car park not too far away when a withheld number calls me saying it's the optician and can you come and collect your dad. I thought it odd as dad has his phone on him. Drove round and dad had a face like thunder standing outside, marched over to the car, yanked the door handle so hard and shouted "my mobile ran out of battery, the staff had to call you to tell you I was ready" . People were looking as they walked past, I felt very embarrassed. Proceeded to scream at me the whole journey home (20 min) with profanities. Turns out he's tried to ring me, his battery was flat and somehow this is my fault. I said calmly please don't shout at me, it's not my fault and he said "it f well is" . I always find shouting back makes him louder. I was shaking. Dropped him home, he slammed my door so hard on his way out.
I've come back to my house sobbing and shaking.
I'm sorry this thread is a bit rambling and disjointed. I just needed to get it out. My mum panders to him a bit but she knows what he's like, she just said it frustrated him when he couldn't get hold of me. I still don't see how screaming abuse at me is going to help matters!

It's made me feel so.low, anxious and worthless. If it wasn't for my son and little dog I would give up.

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:18

It just seems like everything is coming at me from all angles today. The school trying to get out of supportive DS, this episode with dad and worrying about debt. It's too much for me today. I'm tired, mentally, emotionally and physically.

OP posts:
minipie · 15/12/2020 12:18

Oh love Flowers. I can see that must be really worrying and horrible for you. It’s not your fault, at all, dementia unfortunately can bring aggression with it.

Do you have a partner? If so are they supportive? The SEN boards on here can be a great source of support and there is also a dealing with elderly parents board.

Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:21

Thank you. He's always been a different character but today was vile, there's no other word for it. It's never affected me this much before.

OP posts:
bearlyactive · 15/12/2020 12:21

Was he like this during your childhood, OP? Flowers

Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:22

*difficult character

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:27

@bearlyactive yes, not physically abusive but would roar at us as kids, his shouting has always scared me. We never went without, he provided but could be quite difficult to live with. It was literally like living with 2 personalities in 1 body.

OP posts:
bearlyactive · 15/12/2020 12:31

Would you say it has affected your adult life? Because it might be worth you seeking out counselling to help deal with all of this. I know it's easy for me to say though.

Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:31

I don't know why it's upset me so much today, I think it's because everything seems to come in one go sometimes and I can't cope mentally

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:33

@bearlyactive I've considered it , I think definitely will. I'm racked with guilt in case my ds has inherited any of that side of the family's 'bad' gene (for want of a better way to describe it)

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:34

I've always had really poor self esteem, have had mild depression on and off over the years and have anxiety, mainly social anxiety.

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:36

I have 3 degrees but haven't even used them yet as I don't have the confidence to make more of myself and the thought of a proper career terrifies me, so I'm doing a menial job purely to make ends meet. I just don't have the confidence to move out of my comfort zone. I'm fairly intelligent, always academic at school but seriously lacking in other ways.

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 12:38

I didn't mean that to sound big-headed or arrogant, just wanted to try and highlight things.

Thank you for the comments so far and kind words. Really appreciated

OP posts:
bearlyactive · 15/12/2020 12:39

The one thing that it is most important to remember, and again I know it's so easy for me to say this from an objective point of view, is that in no way does his actions and temperament reflect what sort of a person you are. From what I've seen on this thread, you sound like an incredible mum and a very, very strong person to spin all these plates at once. What he thinks of you, that its your fault for his phone being flat, is inaccurate and doesn't reflect on you at all. Counselling will help you realise and understand this. Flowers

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/12/2020 12:39
Flowers You don’t have to deal with your Dad if you don’t want to. It’s ok to step back and take yourself out of the firing line.

To borrow a phrase
"I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it,"

You don’t have capacity to deal with his behaviour right now.

DryRoastPeanut · 15/12/2020 12:42

If he can remember your phone number when his battery has died, he’s not going senile, he’s just a nasty twat!
Let him sort out his own travel for future appointments.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/12/2020 12:43

This book might help
Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553814826/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_l9k2FbZNDQKSM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

DPotter · 15/12/2020 12:45

My heart goes out to you. What an awful situation to be in.

Finding health care support can be so difficult, stress and time consuming and you're having to find support for 2 people.

Dementia is the pits. There is support out there - but the real challenge is getting the person with dementia to see they need help. Age UK have a very good website, with local contacts. You could make contact with the father's GP - they wont tell you anything but you can raise your concerns and maybe they could call him in for a 'check-up'. You could also contact social services to ask what support they can offer.

For now - could you step away from your father? Just for a break

TooManyDogsandChildren · 15/12/2020 12:50

Agreed Chaz. OP, you need to look after yourself and your DS right now. Don't borrow more stress.

As a parent of a (now adult) child with SEN, the system is always painful but the parents who succeed in navigating it are those who remain calm but utterly persistent. Every single mum I have met of a child with additional needs can tell you a long tale of their battles. Keep going, and keep trying to build rapport with the individuals within that system, but recognise you are not doing anything wrong and expect it to take time. Seek support from local groups for parents of children with SEN (your council should be able to give you contact details), relevant charities and IPSEA if necessary.

Ilovethewild · 15/12/2020 12:51

Op, really just wanted to say, having a cry is fine. It’s allowed and good at times.

I hope you acknowledge how much you have on your plate, it’s really tough emotionally these days, be kind to yourself.

Do you want to be around such behaviour?

IF you still want to do things for/ be around your dad, then start to think about how YOU can be different. Can you, e.g walk away when he starts to swear/go off on one, drive somewhere and walk out of the car, if you can’t kick him out! He needs to see that you won’t be talked to like that. It’s not ok, even if someone is unwell.

With dementia, people often need to be agreed with, it’s an accepting of that persons altered reality, I’m not saying he has dementia just saying some behaviours you describe are common. I think they are also in narcissistic disorders. I’m not a clinician.

Do something you enjoy

giantangryrooster · 15/12/2020 12:53

You are mentally overloaded Thanks. Agree with bearly that you could do with therapy.

But right now you need to prioritize your son. If you can talk to your dad, tell him you are struggling and if he cannot be civil you will not engage. If he promises and then explodes again, you need to stick to your guns and walk away from the situation. Even though you worry about your dad, you need to step away a little, let others deal with him, so no more ferrying around etc. (even though you think nobody else can do it, someone will have to step up or flag him to services). Take a break, you will be no good to others if you break down.

Wishing you self esteem and good luck.

Chloemol · 15/12/2020 13:04

Just stop doing things for him, he can get taxis etc

Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 13:06

Thank you all.
I feel trapped like I've got to help him as he's supported and helped me financially over the past few years so in a way I'm obliged to help him. Feeling trapped is defined how I feel, in more ways than one. Self esteem is crushed, I'm a shadow of who I should be. Just focus on the day to day, making sure my son is ok and my dog, they are my main concerns.
Thank you all

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 15/12/2020 13:08

I look at friends with careers and kids and think how do they cope? It would all be too much for me. I'd love to be working in the field I've studied for. I just don't have the belief in myself.

OP posts:
WeKnowFrogsGoShaLaLaLaLa · 15/12/2020 13:13

OP, with regards to your debt, can I suggest you approach StepChange and see if they can help? They changed my life eighteen months ago and did it with real care. Their support has impacted me in so many ways, honestly.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2020 13:14

I wouldn't take your Dads behaviour personally. Perhaps he does have the onset of dementia. You have got a lot on your plate. It obviously wasn't in any way your fault re the Opticians. I certainly don't agree with stopping doing things for him when you can. Sometimes good neighbours can help with lifts to appointments if there is one in your Dads area and assuming he'll accept help.