Extremely upset don't know where to start.

[Sunmoonstars77]

Been in tears since 10am. I have a son with SEN and am battling to get him support and feel like I'm on a never-ending rollercoaster of phonecalls between CAHMS, GP, school etc etc. Trying to do my best for my son but it's an uphill struggle. We're seriously considering getting him assessed privately. I'm so stressed and worried. Also my own financial stress to contend with.

I also have a difficult relationship with my own father, we think he has the onset of dementia as he's very awkward to deal with (has never been easy to be honest but is slowly getting worse).He's getting very forgetful and contradicts himself constantly , also says people have said things when they most definitely havent and gets really angry and agitated when people try and tell him he's wrong . Last week he swore blind my old school friend lived on the same street as she did back in the 80s when o actual fact she'd moved to Ireland with her family long ago. He just wouldn't accept it and snaps "ok shut up, whatever" when we try to explain. He comes from a long line of personality disorders and volatile tempers, his brothers and dad were the same. Could be lovely but with that split personality lurking under the surface that would erupt the minutes things didn't go their way. He's been divorced from my mum for a few years now but still in regular contact. So today I took dad for an optician appointment, we agreed previously that I'd drop him off as close to the opticians as I could and go and find somewhere to park and he would go in for his appointment. He would then ring me when he was done and I'd drive back round and pick him up. He can't walk far you see. So I went off to sit in the car in a car park not too far away when a withheld number calls me saying it's the optician and can you come and collect your dad. I thought it odd as dad has his phone on him. Drove round and dad had a face like thunder standing outside, marched over to the car, yanked the door handle so hard and shouted "my mobile ran out of battery, the staff had to call you to tell you I was ready" . People were looking as they walked past, I felt very embarrassed. Proceeded to scream at me the whole journey home (20 min) with profanities. Turns out he's tried to ring me, his battery was flat and somehow this is my fault. I said calmly please don't shout at me, it's not my fault and he said "it f well is" . I always find shouting back makes him louder. I was shaking. Dropped him home, he slammed my door so hard on his way out.
I've come back to my house sobbing and shaking.
I'm sorry this thread is a bit rambling and disjointed. I just needed to get it out. My mum panders to him a bit but she knows what he's like, she just said it frustrated him when he couldn't get hold of me. I still don't see how screaming abuse at me is going to help matters!

It's made me feel so.low, anxious and worthless. If it wasn't for my son and little dog I would give up.

It's hard to judge the issue with your dad here OP. If it was dementia, I would suggest the technique of just agreeing and moving the conversation on as it can cause considerable distress to someone when their mind tells them one thing and someone else is insisting on something else (used to work in care and doing this was part of my training).
But if he's always been 'difficult,' shouting and being unreasonable, I would probably suggest stepping back a bit and leaving him to it.

WRT your ds, it's so so hard but you have to keep fighting. If he needs more help, keep pushing and pushing but you absolutely have my sympathy (my nephew has a disability and I've spent more time than I care to remember writing emails and making calls for my sister who has dyslexia, relentlessly pushing for help that it was clear as day he needed).

With the debt, have you done the basics of writing down income vs outgoings then looking at when you can do to either lower income (switching suppliers, cancelling things you don't need) or upping income (much harder now in Covid times).
If you're willing to give more details, some posters can be very helpful with this kind of thing.

Overall, in the short term, have a cuppa, have a breather and remember you're not responsible for everything and everyone. You're one person, you can only do so much and right now, you need to get the tears out and rest.

You do not have to do this, OP. There is no contract or obligation we're born into. There just isn't. There are expectations. There are demands. But those are negotiable and should always be on your terms. Your dad is your dad. He's not your keeper. You aren't his. Just because you're his daughter doesn't mean you're duty-bound to put up and shut up. So he helped you out financially in the past. He's a parent. That's what we do. You'd do the same for your own child. There's no I.O.U. attached, but some parents have a wonderful way of making you feel like you're drawing breath for them as well as yourself. It's unkind. It's unfair. And yeah, it's the dementia, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. That doesn't mean you are obliged to sacrifice your life, your well-being, and the mental health of yourself and those around you. That doesn't mean it's ok. It means that you understand that his dementia is encouraging what is already his 'pain in the arse' abusive character. It's encouraging what was already there. Your mum divorced him (it sounds like he was bloody impossible to live with. Why grow old with that?! She's washed her hands of being responsible for him. Good on her. She gave the best years of her life to a very difficult man. And maybe she was just exasperated with fatigue in the end. It can be soul destroying).
I'd be putting him on the waiting list for a local care home. Dementia is a beast. My dad had it. My MIL had it. Both were absolute loves and total pleasures to spend time with and it was still utterly and totally soul destroying. It broke me. It was the constant risk of serious injury, the serious injuries themselves, the total inability to look after themselves, that just became too much. I was going through a divorce, had a small child, and the worries of looking after very unwell people just sent me spiralling. You must look after you, OP or you'll get ill. Your dad will be ok! You are more at risk of not being ok. You've got so much on your plate. I wouldn't feel guilty at all, in fact I'd feel it would be the responsible decision, putting him on the waiting list of a (NHS) care home. I don't know how it works here in the UK, but would you need to have him assessed to see if he's a candidate (my guess is, he's definitely a candidate)? In the meantime, I'd talk to your GP about getting district nurses involved in his care.

OK, breathe, take 5 minutes.
Father
Son

Two entirely separate things.

Attend to basics, are you sleeping ? eating? Remember the metaphor of the oxygen mask on the plane..put your own on first.

What support can you enlist?
Can I suggest an old school style list with pen and paper?

Oh and heres something for your list.....attendance allowance. A little known thing which anybody with caring reposibilities can claim.

"It's hard to judge the issue with your dad here OP."

Well indeed.

Often traits become worse with age as people becoming more selfish/less patient.

It's made me feel so.low, anxious and worthless

Nobody has the power to do this.

OP,
Great advice above.

That type of verbal abuse would leave anyone terribly upset.
It's even awful to read about.

You have so much on your plate.

Your father is not your responsibility.

Your son needs you well.

Your father sounds like he has contributed and caused you to have a very hard life.

Please step back and leave him to your mum.
Tell her to call his GP to arrange help.

You need to mind yourself for your son.
Your soubd amazing juggling so much.

Hello, sorry for the delay, had school run and homework/dinner/dog walk chaos after school. Thank you to all who have written on here ,I will read through. Feel better as the day has gone on. Some kind words on here so thank you much appreciated

Your son and yourself are the priority. Not your DF, dementia or not. And you're not 'obliged' to run round after him.
He will only get worse. You need to put boundaries in place now or you will go under. Carers, cleaners, gardeners, taxis, pharmacy delivery, online shopping etc etc. He will refuse no doubt. Probably due to having to pay (they all do) but you could live 500 miles away and they would have to manage.

And as for the financial support - yes, that was decent of him, but it doesn't mean he owns you. Would you feel free to behave like that to your son on the grounds that you'd helped them out and therefore he owed you? No. Nobody should have to put up with that kind of abuse. It goes far beyond the ordinary bonds of kindness and help that link functional families.

Financial support is what parents do for their children, when the can.
This support is NOT handcuffs.

YOUR son is YOUR priority.
End of.

Please mind yourself.
You sound wonderful.
You need space and peace to utilise your education.

I'm sorry, dementia can totally change a person and it's really upsetting to see. My lovely, kind, gentle grandad who always thought the world of me became aggressive (physically and verbally) and very vocal about the fact that my DH was raised Catholic. He was so far removed from the man I knew it broke my heart.

With regard to your debt, I agree with pp about StepChange. I was in a pit of despair with £14.5k of debt and they helped me without judgement. Earlier this year I made my final payment and the relief is indescribable.

It sounds like things are really tough for you

Thanking you all. Had to go over mum's earlier and dad was there and giving me the full on silent treatment. I'm in a much better place mentally and emotionally today and have brushed it off whereas yesterday it floored me. You are correct, my son has to be my focus and all my energies at the moment are centred around him to get him support. We have a video call with the SENCO after Christmas and they're getting an Ed Psych in too so finally the ball is rolling.
One particularly unpleasant event regarding dad was back in 2001, I can't remember exact details but he totally lambasted me verbally with a loud voice in front of relatives at a family party. I can't recall what it was over but my God I was mortified!!! That event has stuck in my mind all these years later. I tend to forget it then when he shouts again it suddenly brings that event flooding back. Mum panders to him, seems reluctant to rock the boat, so to speak. Knows exactly what he's like though. She doesn't drive so makes it awkward.
Thanks again