Extremely upset don't know where to start.

[Sunmoonstars77]

Been in tears since 10am. I have a son with SEN and am battling to get him support and feel like I'm on a never-ending rollercoaster of phonecalls between CAHMS, GP, school etc etc. Trying to do my best for my son but it's an uphill struggle. We're seriously considering getting him assessed privately. I'm so stressed and worried. Also my own financial stress to contend with.

I also have a difficult relationship with my own father, we think he has the onset of dementia as he's very awkward to deal with (has never been easy to be honest but is slowly getting worse).He's getting very forgetful and contradicts himself constantly , also says people have said things when they most definitely havent and gets really angry and agitated when people try and tell him he's wrong . Last week he swore blind my old school friend lived on the same street as she did back in the 80s when o actual fact she'd moved to Ireland with her family long ago. He just wouldn't accept it and snaps "ok shut up, whatever" when we try to explain. He comes from a long line of personality disorders and volatile tempers, his brothers and dad were the same. Could be lovely but with that split personality lurking under the surface that would erupt the minutes things didn't go their way. He's been divorced from my mum for a few years now but still in regular contact. So today I took dad for an optician appointment, we agreed previously that I'd drop him off as close to the opticians as I could and go and find somewhere to park and he would go in for his appointment. He would then ring me when he was done and I'd drive back round and pick him up. He can't walk far you see. So I went off to sit in the car in a car park not too far away when a withheld number calls me saying it's the optician and can you come and collect your dad. I thought it odd as dad has his phone on him. Drove round and dad had a face like thunder standing outside, marched over to the car, yanked the door handle so hard and shouted "my mobile ran out of battery, the staff had to call you to tell you I was ready" . People were looking as they walked past, I felt very embarrassed. Proceeded to scream at me the whole journey home (20 min) with profanities. Turns out he's tried to ring me, his battery was flat and somehow this is my fault. I said calmly please don't shout at me, it's not my fault and he said "it f well is" . I always find shouting back makes him louder. I was shaking. Dropped him home, he slammed my door so hard on his way out.
I've come back to my house sobbing and shaking.
I'm sorry this thread is a bit rambling and disjointed. I just needed to get it out. My mum panders to him a bit but she knows what he's like, she just said it frustrated him when he couldn't get hold of me. I still don't see how screaming abuse at me is going to help matters!

It's made me feel so.low, anxious and worthless. If it wasn't for my son and little dog I would give up.

I'll definitely look into that thanks, just feels like a big whirlwind going on around me at the moment and no place to start!

It's OK to accept it's all getting too much. I'd let your dad sort himself out in future if he can't keep it civil. That leaves you to focus on your son and finances which is enough for anyone

Honestly....leave your Dad to your Mum.

He's got a few health issues at the moment so that's probably contributing to his irritability. Still no need to take it out on other people. Thank you all I take it all on board.

I've experienced caring for my dad who had developed dementia. It was awful, upsetting and stressful and at times he was terrible to deal with. And he'd been a lovely caring dad before dementia. Doesn't sound like yours was as pleasant to be around as he could have been even before then. So I know it really takes a toll. Diagnosis too takes ages and needs a certain degree of cooperation as he would need to be seen by a doctor, take a memory test and so on. It may be necessary just to step back for now. Is your mum still living with him? If so, you know he at least has someone there with him.

Even though he's helped you in the past, it's ok not to accept being shouted at. That doesn't excuse it. You can say 'I'll talk to you when you've calmed down' and leave. That is allowed!

Even though your dad has helped you doesn't mean he can treat you as he wants. Look up Fear, Obligation and Guilt (fog). You really need to step away a little, your son is the future that's where your priority should be.

Can you persuade your mother to contact social services for a full care assessment? They may be entitled at least to some help for getting to appointments etc.

So far as your son is concerned, have you applied for an EHCP?

not surprised you are feeling upset.

If your father has the start of dementia he is going to get more difficult I’m afraid so it’s worth starting to get more support in place for him (and indirectly you).

Even if his temper is dementia you don’t have to put up with him abusing you. If you have the same gp, you can tell them about his behaviour, they can’t tell you about him but it helps them build up a picture for diagnosing him.

Ask social services for help, they may be able to point you at local volunteer drivers to help with appointments for example.

I agree with others, you have your own life and problems. If your dad is so ungrateful for your support, you should let him take care of himself. He can get taxi to the apps for start. You don't deserve his abuse, no matter what.
Please take care of yourself.

Being sandwiched in with caring for parents and caring for children is very stressful.

A friend's parent had dementia. She said correcting her mum made her angry. She thought the anger came from fear. Rather than admit she was confused with her children and, was must be wrong, she would shout to shut everyone up to convince them that they had it wrong. He might have felt completely justified in shouting.

The other thing is parents who shout but don't hit do not see it as abuse. If kids are walking round on eggshells, just because someone isn't physically aggressive, doesn't mean it's not an abusive relationship.

sorry, don't know how that posted without me previewing to ensure it made sense...

But do ask for help from your mum. You have enough on your plate.

Please look after yourself.

You sound absolutely lovely OP. I am so sorry you're going through this.

You are clearly very intelligent, very able and extremely self aware. Any employer would be lucky to have you. Are you three degrees in similar areas that point in any particular direction?

It’s not your fault his phone battery ran out - you know that You have a lot on your plate and you’re still standing. Be proud of yourself. Try to prioritise and allow yourself to say No sometimes. If it makes you feel bad to say No, tell a white lie.

I sympathise hugely with the lack of confidence and understand what you mean completely. Don’t dwell on that and don’t put yourself down. It doesn’t help. You’re a good person and you’re doing ok. X

Agree with poster who recommends that your Dad needs a full medical assessment. I work with people with dementia and from what you say I wouldn't rule that out as the cause of his deteriorating behaviour. He sounds like he has always been a difficult person to get on with. You sound like a lovely daughter and Mum, trying to do your best for everyone. I hope you get the support you and your child need.

Oh OP - I have a SEN child so I understand. I also had one of those fathers, though mine didn't shout and lash out - he just ignored and didn't talk to us at all.

I know this isn't the done thing, but I so wish I could just give you a huge hug. Make you a cuppa, have you put your feet up and just take care of you for a while so you can unwind. But I can't, so a virtual hug will have to do.

"I feel trapped like I've got to help him as he's supported and helped me financially over the past few years so in a way I'm obliged to help him."

This may be how you feel, but it isn't true, no matter how much our underfunded care system and the patriarchy might say it is.

Your dad's support to you was not a downpayment on his elder care.

If he has dementia - get it assessed pronto - insist on any bit of help he is eligible for and do not let him, society, HCPs or anyone around you pressure you into taking on more than you can.

Your son needs you more.

Your mental health and wellbeing matters.

Dementia is an absolute bastard.

But not all outbursts will be because of it though.

In fact if it's dementia causing him to scream profanities for 20mins, does he not need carers who can deal with it?

Oh you sound amazing so sorry you are having it so tough at the minute. I have a 14 year old son with Autism & it’s not easy. I would take a step back from Dad & take care of you xx

My mum has severe dementia. But in the early stages the specialist told us that unless her delusion was dangerous or harmful to her or to others, don't challenge it. She said the best thing was to 'enter their world' rather than try to force them back into ours. What you cannot agree to, just try to ignore and change the subject.

So if he says your friend lives down the block, unless he's putting on his coat at midnight to walk there, just smile and nod. If he says 'Johnny stole my wallet' unless he's gearing up to call the police or threatening to hit Johnny, just try to let it go and redirect. Don't agree, but don't argue. You will never be able to convince someone that their delusion isn't real and chances are that all you will do is agitate them or make them angry, or worse yet violent. I know it's not easy to do. We are by nature grounded in reality and it's hard to let someone's 'unreality' go unchallenged.

My mum said there were 'people having parties under her house' (in a 3 ft crawlspace). That my brother was 'keeping women captive in his closet'. She accused us of drugging her and stealing her money. She said that our dad was on his way home and to set the table (he'd died 10 years earlier). Did we want to argue with her? Of course we did. But it wouldn't have done any good. But instead we agreed where we could, redirected where we could, and ignored what we could.

Of course the day came where we could no longer ignore because she began calling the police on people and took to knocking on the neighbour's doors 'for help' in the middle of the night. At that point we found a lovely place for her in a specialist care home. If your dad truly has dementia, you may want to start preparing for that now.

I've got to help him as he's supported and helped me financially over the past few years so in a way I'm obliged to help him.

I don’t think you should feel obliged. First, I don’t think anyone is ever obliged to put up with someone shouting and swearing at them. No matter what that person has done for them.

Second, he is your parent, you are his child, those are different relationships with different responsibilities. Parents are obliged to look after their children, they choose to have them knowing they will need to look after them and help them make their way in the world - the same doesn’t apply the other way round.

Lastly, it sounds like although he helped you in some ways he definitely harmed you in others. I’d say that’s another reason to let go of any sense of obligation.

Don’t feel bad about your job situation by the way. Sometimes, when you have a lot on your mind, you’ve got nothing to give to a more challenging job. It doesn’t mean you’re not clever, or even that you’re not confident, it just means your abilities are being taken up by your home situation and there’s not much left for work. You are keeping up some kind of work which is great, and hopefully will have more energy and head space for a higher level job in a while.

I can understand your frustrations. DS is dyslexic but it doesn’t cause massive issues. Over lockdown I noticed DD1 (13) was struggling, so I was organising dyslexia testing privately and asked her school to complete a questionnaire. The SENCO Kicked off at me, I pushed back and sure enough they have diagnosed slow visual processing and a reading age of 8. (This was after telling me she couldn’t be dyslexic as she was in the top set for everything -ignoring the fact her brother was too and he was dyslexic!)

I also had a dad with a hair trigger temper.

Be kind to yourself. It is a time of year that puts a lot of pressure on mums.

From what you say that is definitely the onset of dementia.
They have these facts floating in their heads, but the framework of time and place is gone. So they will place themselves and others in the wrong time. Same with dates, the person can't think forwards and backwards in time like we can. The dates are just floating about with nothing to pin them on. Likewise, they don't seem to know what season it is.
The big indicator of dementia is that the person doesn't notice their mistake. So therefore it's logical for them to blame others for causing these 'mistakes' in their lives.
There's no point arguing points of information with him. Just nod and agree.

Also technology like phones and the TV remote become baffling and they don't know how to use them. But don't notice, that it's something they used to be able to do. They might do it fine one day then 'someone has done something' to it.
Try not to take your Dad's behaviour personally because it's not.
But limit your exposure to him as much as possible. His behaviour and reactions have nothing to do with you or the person you are.

Dealing with either of those is a huge strain, having both your son and your father to advocate for is a heavy load to carry.

Don't forget to try and take care of yourself. I know it sounds self-indulgent but think of it as like being in an emergency situation on an aircraft. If you don't wear your own oxygen mask first and breathe deeply until you're okay, you won't be able to support the others to also put their masks on.

Not sure if you're aware, but MN have a SN section and the posters there may be able to help with advice on getting the help your son needs.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_chat
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs

This technique may help you to cope better with your Father's condition, it can remove a lot of the arguments caused by "correcting" people with dementia.

www.contenteddementiatrust.org/what-is-the-specal-method/

My mother is like your father, OP - it is so damaging. Rest assured that in the dentists all of their sympathies will have been with you. I'd try to distance as much as possible, but i do know how hard it is. It's as if an abusive parent imprints themselves on you somehow.
Feel proud that you have made a lovely family of your own away from him, and focus on giving yourself a break and then on your DS. You and he are the ones who needs your energy right now. Your Dad should be way down the list.

If he can remember your phone number when his battery has died, he’s not going senile, he’s just a nasty twat!

This comment from another poster isn't true OP. Dementia does not impact on all memories equally. If (and only if) you want to, you can access information from your local Alzheimer's Society to educate yourself on why trying to reason with someone with dementia and orientate them back to your reality becomes a futile strategy as the dementia progresses.

Take care of yourself.