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Original poster

Right now I want to send all my DS’s gifts back.

58 replies

SonProblem · 09/12/2020 20:36

I need some sensible advice. I’m very angry.

DS11. He has ADHD which I’m not sure is relevant. Maybe it is. Probably.

He Had gone through a phase of stealing in the past and I thought it was history. He started secondary school this year and doing well as far as I know. He’s very good at lying and concealing things. But I’ve had no contact from the school to advise of any issues.

To the problem, I found out last week he had stolen money from my bag on 2 separate occasions. It came to £50 total. I haven’t worked for most of this year due to COVID and have just recently started back. Im a single parent so it’s just my income and universal credit and he knows money is very tight right now. He had been going to the shop before school and buying himself hot chocolates and sweets and probably buying for his friends too. So I grounded him for 2 weeks which means he has no phone or tablet and said he had to sell some of his own things to pay me back the money he stole. He agreed to this.

This evening he asked if he could have a cookie after dinner, they’re the large ones from Asda. I said yes and just as he was leaving I spotted that two were gone from the bag so I asked him, he denied taking two until I asked him to empty his pockets.

Then later I discovered that his phone was gone from the place I had it hidden. I asked him and he denied having it. I asked him again for the truth and he handed it over.

He has just come in to the room in a strop and said “oh BTW I hate [item]” which is something I have gotten him for Xmas . So he has found his Christmas presents and will have seen his brother’s presents too.

I’m so angry with him. I feel like returning it all and letting him sit with nothing on Xmas day. That’s probably a massive over reaction and cruel but I just don’t know anymore.

Advice please.

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 09/12/2020 20:41

Take some time out and breathe. It’s been a stressful year for everyone, your son included. He needs love. Though his behaviour is terrible.

FortunesFave · 09/12/2020 20:43

He sounds unhappy OP. And stealing like this is often driven by a need...it's wrong of course but he may be struggling socially.

As for the cookie...I couldn't get annoyed at an 11 year old taking two biscuits. I think you might need to relax a bit regarding food.

Is he not getting many sweet things at home? That could explain his stealing.

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 20:46

It wasn’t the two biscuits that bothered me, it was the concealing it, and then denying taking it. He gets plenty of sweet things. Probably too much tbh. He’ll have something sweet after dinner every night. And at weekends we go and pick some things each for family night.

OP posts:

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formerbabe · 09/12/2020 20:46

The cookie thing is irrelevant...my ds is 12 and would totally take two. The rest of the stealing is not good obviously. If I were you, send back the gifts. Buy him something else...but nothing extravagant. He may actually have really wanted what you had originally got him so it might be a good lesson to learn.

FortunesFave · 09/12/2020 20:48

Have you spoken to his teacher? To see if he's ok at school?

Tenyearsgone · 09/12/2020 20:50

Don't send back his gifts. He's just lashing out by saying that.

Does he get pocket money?

helloxhristmas · 09/12/2020 20:53

He sounds really unhappy.

BloggersBlog · 09/12/2020 20:54

I would send the thing he doesn't want back and keep the money, not replace it with anything.
And take the sim card out of his phone in case he finds it again

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 20:54

@FortunesFave

Have you spoken to his teacher? To see if he's ok at school?
No but I will call tomorrow and arrange to speak with her.
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Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 20:56

@Tenyearsgone

Don't send back his gifts. He's just lashing out by saying that.

Does he get pocket money?

No he doesn’t. He gets his phone paid for, plus music lessons and an extra curricular activity. He gets money from my parents now and again. £5/£10 every few weeks.
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2020 20:58

I'm a huge fan of pocket money. I get things are tight thought.

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:00

@BloggersBlog

I would send the thing he doesn't want back and keep the money, not replace it with anything. And take the sim card out of his phone in case he finds it again
The thing he named was just a stocking filler costing about £3. Everything he saw was stocking fillers actually. One was a book he had requested, another a puzzle (he likes puzzles) and some sweets. I haven’t actually bought his proper present yet. Originally I was going to give him money as that is what his older brother is getting to go towards a specific thing he wants. But after he stole my money I decided I didn’t want to give him money any more and was going to buy a (secondhand) handheld device he has wanted. Now I don’t even want to do that.
OP posts:
Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:00

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'm a huge fan of pocket money. I get things are tight thought.
They are and tbh right now I would really begrudge giving him money after how he has treated mine.
OP posts:
Horehound · 09/12/2020 21:08

I remember stealing and it was basically because I had no money of my own and my parents didn't give me any to actually spend any time whatsoever. All my friends had money, some even with hundreds or thousands in the bank. I got £3 a day to spend on lunch in the middle of a city.
I think you need to start giving him picket money in exchange for some chores.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2020 21:08

That's a bit chicken and egg though. Giving pocket money gives you ammo. "If you wanted it you could have spent your own money".

Simplyunacceptable · 09/12/2020 21:10

He sounds unhappy. Maybe he’s being bullied at school? Is his Dad around at all?

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:11

I know. I’m just so angry. He knows how skint I’ve been.

How much is reasonable pocket money? Not that he’ll be getting it this side of the new year.

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Simplyunacceptable · 09/12/2020 21:12

I stole despite getting £100 a week from my Dad fwiw. I didn’t steal out of necessity, I stole because my parents didn’t give me any attention and I was absolutely miserable living with an abusive stepfather.

Kids tend to do things like this as a cry for help. The two biscuit thing is standard child behaviour though so I wouldn’t sweat that.

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:12

@Simplyunacceptable

He sounds unhappy. Maybe he’s being bullied at school? Is his Dad around at all?
No dad for several years.
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2020 21:13

@SonProblem

I know. I’m just so angry. He knows how skint I’ve been.

How much is reasonable pocket money? Not that he’ll be getting it this side of the new year.

I give mine her age every fortnight. So he would get a fiver a week ish. She has chores which are not linked to the money (clearing table) and can earn extra with chores that ARE linked like hoovering.

She is younger than yours, also with ADHD and it's really useful as a tool for teaching delayed gratification and choice.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2020 21:15

BTW I think mine gets a lot in relation to her peers. However EVERYTHING comes from that including her pet's food. She has learned responsibility from that certainly.

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:16

I thought he was doing so well. He had settled into school, has made a few friends. I’ve checked his phone for anything worrying and there isn’t anything.

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Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:19

Actually I’ve just found messages from one of his friends, the one he talks about most. He’s saying he got him sweets and then the friends says “don’t forget to get me a drink too. And chewing gum” Hmm

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GymMat · 09/12/2020 21:20

My DD is the exact same. Adhd and same age. She went through a phase of lying just about everything. I read that with an adhd brain they are more likely to lie but its not a mean thing just they say it before thinking about it type of thing. We are still working on the stealing and lying side. It'll all be different again next week you'll have calmed down by then. I get where your at.

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:23

@GymMat

My DD is the exact same. Adhd and same age. She went through a phase of lying just about everything. I read that with an adhd brain they are more likely to lie but its not a mean thing just they say it before thinking about it type of thing. We are still working on the stealing and lying side. It'll all be different again next week you'll have calmed down by then. I get where your at.
Thank you. How are you dealing with it? DS doesn’t know I’m angry. I didn’t react to his strop. He goes into fight or flight mode if he thinks you’re angry and I don’t fancy chasing him round the streets tonight.
OP posts: