Right now I want to send all my DS’s gifts back.

[SonProblem]

I need some sensible advice. I’m very angry.

DS11. He has ADHD which I’m not sure is relevant. Maybe it is. Probably.

He Had gone through a phase of stealing in the past and I thought it was history. He started secondary school this year and doing well as far as I know. He’s very good at lying and concealing things. But I’ve had no contact from the school to advise of any issues.

To the problem, I found out last week he had stolen money from my bag on 2 separate occasions. It came to £50 total. I haven’t worked for most of this year due to COVID and have just recently started back. Im a single parent so it’s just my income and universal credit and he knows money is very tight right now. He had been going to the shop before school and buying himself hot chocolates and sweets and probably buying for his friends too. So I grounded him for 2 weeks which means he has no phone or tablet and said he had to sell some of his own things to pay me back the money he stole. He agreed to this.

This evening he asked if he could have a cookie after dinner, they’re the large ones from Asda. I said yes and just as he was leaving I spotted that two were gone from the bag so I asked him, he denied taking two until I asked him to empty his pockets.

Then later I discovered that his phone was gone from the place I had it hidden. I asked him and he denied having it. I asked him again for the truth and he handed it over.

He has just come in to the room in a strop and said “oh BTW I hate [item]” which is something I have gotten him for Xmas . So he has found his Christmas presents and will have seen his brother’s presents too.

I’m so angry with him. I feel like returning it all and letting him sit with nothing on Xmas day. That’s probably a massive over reaction and cruel but I just don’t know anymore.

Advice please.

Thank you @Tangledtresses and @Barmyfarmy.

I think you can only take small steps. The Christmas gifts were stocking fillers so not a big thing, children will most likely take two biscuits rather than one. You can do sensible practical things - £50 taken from your purse £25 at a time is a lot of money not to miss - be more aware of the money you have - he clearly doesnt think you will notice, get someone to store your gifts (for his siblings sake) talk to school and work with them, talk to your son and have some clear boundaries. Give him lots of positive attention.

Please give him pocket money! We never had any and it was so humiliating. Friends going for coffee or to the cinema and we never could. If he;s spending it on what you say he is, he's just trying to fit in, to make friends and belong. Nothing wrong with that desire. You need to help him do that, not punish him. I get that money is very very tight this year but start by giving him a small allowance and discuss how he can use it. Ask what he;d like to spend it on. Talk with him.

£50 taken from your purse £25 at a time is a lot of money not to miss - be more aware of the money you have

It wasn’t £25 each time and I did miss it! The first time I asked him as soon as I realised and he denied it. He was very convincing. I spoke to his brother and he told me he had been going to the shop in the mornings before school and buying hot chocolates. So I searched his room the next day and found wrappers from sweets and chocolates. We were busy that evening so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him about it, (and you can’t simply just fire that at him, it really does need some thought about the way you phrase things or he will explode and run off.) The next morning (when I definitely wasn’t going to broach it and then send him off to school!) it was about 10 minutes after he left when I went to my coat and realised some was missing.

He’s gone this morning, refusing to talk to me and wouldn’t eat or take his medication. I’ve emailed the school and asked his form teacher to call me ASAP.

Stealing from you is awful. I'd imagine he's got himself into a situation with these other boys where they put pressure on him to buy stuff. Can you talk to him kindly about it? I know its so hard when you are struggling a bit financially. I'd definitely consider 10 a month pocket money but I'd be annoyed if he spent it on his 'friends'. If I knew the boys asking for things I'd speak to their parents. Good luck OP.

I don’t know any of his new friends. He travels to school, its not one of our nearest ones and I think the friends are from round that area. I know one of them is. None of his friends are in his class. They are from different classes. He sees them in the morning after he gets off the bus and at break and lunchtime.

I’m going to ask if his teacher can try and encourage some friendships with people in his class. I’m not sure what she can do though. He has a classroom assistant who sits with him and I think that might make it awkward to make friends in class?

None of his friends are in his class.

That sounds like they might have targeted him for what is effectively bullying. His ADHD makes him vulnerable and they've picked up on that to manipulate him.

Perhaps a lock on your bedroom door? Or a locked tin for money.